July 6th, 2003
Never question the power of prayer, except in wonder. After the crappiest day on Wednesday, I felt a weight lift off me on Thursday and knew right away it was the prayers my friend had promised me. Then I remembered that to get through this loneliness, I have to thank God for what I have, and what I have to look forward to... More than I can imagine. Thanksgiving and hope, it sounds so outdated, and it's the light of Christ shining in my life... Needless to say, I had so much joy, and I recieved so many blessings I hadn't expected... My week was incredible. Needless to say though, the loneliness is like this knife in my throat whenever I walk alone, and I cry... I cry alone at night, and try to hide it at work. I'm crying today, but I'm still grateful. :-s :-]
I really can't put enough thoughts together to have anything else to say I can express... The end. lol
July 2nd, 2003
The Completely Pointless Personality Quiz
waaaaaa... I feel like an empty cardboard box right now. *sigh* Its another month before Nathan comes home and these months are like years. Oh, and it will probably be that long until we even talk on the phone again. I am sooo excited that he is coming home, but i have to cut that off so i only cry at night over how much i miss him... Nah, it doesn't always work though. I have one big Nathan shaped hole in my life right now.
June 6th, 2003
How do I describe it... Every dusk is beautiful, how it lingers, so fragile and indefinite, whispers of color pervading, and the sun's last breath slowly fading. Ethereal. Tonight, it was like everything embraced me, but I still felt wild and free, it was the hand on my waist as I danced. The day still hung everywhere, the sweat still warm on my back, drifting breezes carrying no chill. Light kept eroding from the air, but the sky was still burning with the last colors of the sun. Beauty, smoke kissed purple. Resignation in slowly fading orange. Behind me were hills cloaked in blackness, houses sparkling with light. Closer trees were illuminated by streetlights long deserted by the gulls. I felt a part of all this, swallowing, I could drink it down. My eyes were like a mirror as I watched it all fade, and as the darkness set in, I turned back home.
May 28th, 2003
Sometimes you only have enough light to take the next step... Thats all I have right now. I know God is showing me that I need to move out, and I'm ready. The weird thing is, as much as I would like to someday go to college, I don't see how I can if I move out now. But then before, moving out did not seem like a possibility, and it now is. So really... God has opened one door for me and I'm going through. I don't know what's waiting on the other side, but I'll trust Him with that because of His love for me. I've never had the luxury of living under the pretense of certainties, and I only hope that that much remains certain.... Because, ohmygosh, its so much fun!!
May 11th, 2003
Ok, so this might be kind of random, but my mind is on spin cycle right now... Its not too repetitive though... If it were one of those washers with the clear door, you would see a variety of socks rather than the lone red one over and over again as it gradually gets the snot whipped out of it.
I miss Nathan sooo much right now... Its different than during the combat though, not a melancholy missing him... Its an "I can't wait to see him soon" kind... I got to hear from him secondhand, and it was amazing, like light being poured into my very soul. His spirit shone even through regurgitated news, as well as his bravery and love for me and for others... I really really love him a lot... I'm pretty sure that his birthday was last Friday, but because I'm stupid, I forgot the exact date and don't have it written down... So I have to guess. :-s I bought him a TON of food, and I made cookies. (I know I'm always making cookies. lol) I'm kind of worried though, because I got white and dark chocolate chips on a whim, and he hates dark chocolate... I don't even know if he likes cookies all that much... Lol, see how dumb I am when I just stress over everything? It will be the thought behind it that he will see and appreciate regardless... And its not the end of the world. (If they're stale when they get there, they can always feed the starving zoo animals with them anyway.)
I bought my mommy this sweet mothers and daughters book for Mother's Day, and I read it lastnight. (You have to preview these sort of things.) As I was reading one of the stories, it occured to me though... I'm a girly girl. I'm sensitive, I'm whimsical, and I still pick wildlowers when I go on long walks. My whole "calloused and tough" facade was just that... Maybe I've had time to heal, but really... I don't need to fake being unhurt or unoffended by everything, nor do I have to be as good a guy as a girl. Thats just ironic competition, with no winner. I'm a girly girl with my strength deep down, no facade. If the people can't take that, its not my problem. (:-D That felt really good!)
I talked with my friend's sweet little sis on the phone tonight, for like, a half hour or so. She is soooo smart and sweet! We talked about animals, and got all the way into how life is formed and into evolution versus Creation. After I hung up the phone, I just wanted to cry, because here is this little girl looking into the intricacy of God's creation, and being awestruck by it, and I'm seeing this beautiful little girl that God created, and being amazed at the depth of her mind and soul at 10 years old... And the love God had for her when he created her... I was just sooo struck by how great God is.
Well, thats all I care to squeeze from my already squeezed out brain right now... *envisions playdough* `:-| I think actually, going to bed is a good idea. ....a very good idea... *looking at this dead guy's portrait in her history book* Wow... This guy had a really nice facial structure for the 1800's... His nose is a little too pyramid like though. Not that I'm interested, lol... Uhh, especially since he's pretty stiff by now. ...WHOA! Ok, yeah, night night everyone before I get anymore weird!
April 10th, 2003
Update... I'm taking the quarter off and I'm going to start working fulltime. :-) This might sound crazy and all... But its actually a very safe decision since I'm graduating from highschool in June, and I don't need to take anymore courses to graduate. I've realized why I was failing too. I've been living my parents dreams rather than my own. Living on a boat and going to college, but thats why I'm burnt out, and have been for so long. Thats why I have no dreams of my own, no ambitions, no goals. I can be content with where I'm at right now, and wherever God has me, but I can't be failing at school as well, because I'm just flushing my energies and opportunities down the... drain. ;-) I'm a little scared, sure, because I don't know what this decision will reap, but it looks like it will be a good thing, and I love to take risks anyways. >: -D I wrote a poem about the vertigo I'm experiencing and put it on my blog if you want to read it.
I'm also realizing how weak my faith is, and how I need to trust God. I'm taking a day off from reading the news, like a fast, to symbolize what I'm putting my trust in. One of the things God has stuck in my head lately, is Jonah 4:5-something. (lol) Its about how Jonah was sitting on a hill in the sun, and he made a little shelter on his own for shade, but God went the extra mile, and made a vine grow up right away, which gave him 'great comfort.' Then God sent a worm to gnaw on it, and it withered away. Jonah was seriously upset and got mad at God, and God basically told him that he caused the vine to grow, it wasn't for him to get upset about. (The Bible says it a little differently, I'm paraphrasing.) He reminded me of that on nights when I was crying alone because Nathan was gone... Then he reminded me again recently when everything we had is faded, and it couldn't feel further away. God blessed me beyond measure, in a way I will never deserve, I have no right to hurt because I don't feel the power of that blessing. Rather, I'm soooo thankful for how he blessed me in the first place, and I find peace in remembering that it is not gone... That at this instant, someone 7,000 miles away is holding me in his heart. He's my vine.
April 8th, 2003
*sigh* Its my second day back at school after the break, and I'm already feeling it set in... That, "I'm trapped, ohmygosh I hate being here" mindset... I'm getting depressed, and slipping inside myself. Today on the bus ride home, I was sitting next to Rose, a really sweet neighbor of mine that I ride to school with, and I started telling her how much I hate school right now, and I just started crying right in front of her... (Which was embarassing, but she was understanding.) I just could not hate this any more, and I'm trapped in it. I don't need to go to school right now, but I have to because my parents make that a term of living with them. I don't have the money yet to move out, and moving out on good terms with them looks like a complete impossibility, so I can't get their support with helping me get my life started... I am just so burnt out, and so ready to do anything to get away... I'm not suicidal, my life is God's, whether or not my future seems bright it belongs to him. I just... I wish I could be sometimes. *sigh*
April 1st, 2003
I've been wondering lately how to pray for Nathan. It all started when I was walking home one day after reading a really discouraging letter, and I was praying... And for the first time, his not coming back wasn't a distant fear, but a tangible possibility. So I stopped praying for a second, and just said "God, not my will, but yours be done!" Since that day, I was pretty confused, praying for him to come home, but more than anything, that God would be glorified either way. If he didn't come back, I reasoned, I would lose all my desire to live, so I would want to be able to hold onto the only thing I will have left, which is Christ, and I wouldn't want to pray in a way that would leave me feeling like he failed. But then later I was thinking, and I thought, God is the first reason I live. I was being selfish giving him second place, though I didn't realize that that was what I was doing. Also, last Thursday, I was talking to a youth leader guy that knew Nathan and he was like, "pray that the bullets miss, why wouldn't God want him to come back." Well, I had to dismiss his insight, because I can't grasp the will of God, all I can do is accept it with joy. So now I pray only that Christ's will will be done, because I know that if his will is for Nathan to come back, he will be faithful to do that. Yeah... I think I might have it figured out... :-]
March 14, 2003
I'm still trying to reconcile my mind to the fact that this is reality and not just a dream... Nathan called lastnight!!! Its still completely surreal, but hearing his voice again... I can't dream something that amazing. This was such a God thing too, because I had just gotten home from Bible study... And I knew that I would not get a call from him until he got home... I've never been happier to be proven wrong though. Anyway... It was amazing, because for 10 minutes, I actually felt alive again, and not like I was just trying hard to pretend. Just a note of bittersweet hapiness, one that will carry. : )
March 6, 2003
Right now I just have to thank God, because he showed me once again, that my life is never too black to be illuminated with his love! I just had one of the crappiest days since... Last week. (hehehe) I walked home from the bank in tears and sat down with a heavy heart, ready to cry some more when the phone rang. It was my wonderful, sweet friend, and I spilled my heart out to her, and she encouraged me in Christ sooooo much! ... And then we laughed harder than I've laughed in... Lol, I dono how long! I need to put up this gorgeous metaphor she gave me... She got this from a Bible study.
This lady wanted to know how silver was made, since the Bible refers to the refinement process, so she asked a Refiner to explain it to her. He told her that while you're heating it, you have to watch every second without looking away, because that could be the second it cracks. You know when that it is done when you can look into it and see your reflection.
I thought that was such a beautiful parallel to anyone whose faith is going through testing process. God won't turn his face away, and he won't let us break. He is creating us to reflect his glory and majesty, melting away our pride, self reliance, and bitterness...
God just showed me again today, that even when the fire feels like more I can take, he hasn't turned his face away.
February 26, 2003
Everywhere I look in my life, there is nowhere that I could look and find something simple, easy or light. Nothing. God turned my life inside out, and ripped out everything that I loved, everything that was beautiful, and he became my everything. Now I walk through each day and rather than dread or stress or heartbreak, I walk through it with so much joy, because I can see his light beckoning to me, a promise that this darkness will pass and one day I will soak in the light of his blessing once again. Every day no matter how much I have to carry, his light falls on my face and I can't grudge the burden.
"Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" I am so glad that my life has been so hard for the past few years, because I have had to learn how to persevere, and sacrifice, and reach outside my pain to wipe away the tears of those that are struggling as well. If everything were to have happened that is happening now, and I had not had to learn how to walk on crippled feet, I wouldn't be able to get through. But Christ walks beside me, the holes in his feet and the love in his eyes are enough to show me that he is my sole comfort, and I need nothing else.
February 6th, 2003
I lift my eyes up, to the Heavens, where does my help come from? My help comes from you, maker of Heaven, Creator of the earth.
My ability to wake up every day, and want to go through it, to desire to reach up to the light as I'm struggling through, is not my own. My strength, my will, my ability to endure does not come from inside of me, because all I want to do is lie down and cry until the pain passes and the times have changed. Thank God for breathing new life into mine, he's blessed me through so many curses, turning my weariness into a constant will to endure.
I have been so weary of all that is in my life, my strength felt spent and I was dragging myself mentally, emotionally, and physically through this past week. I could describe the hell thats been thrown on my back, but I wouldn't know where to begin. I've been blessed so richly and cut so deeply, blessings are painful dichotomies. Thankfully the light of the joy they bring help carry me through the darkness of their absence.
Lastnight I was completely weary when yet another weight fell down on me. I was broken, unable to stop the tears for hours, but in the midst of it, I found depth and solace in the few friends I was able to find comfort in. Now I feel as if I want to get through this day, the pain is there, but I'm not dragging. Its as if I can only be torn down so much before I just laugh and take Christ's hand as he pulls me back up. This is a beautiful day, there is sun shining outside, I'm going to see a friend before she leaves on a long trip, and I have only one more class to get through. I'm feel happy, I have joy, and I find renewed strength and peace in the words of Psalm 46 ever since Christ spoke them to me lastnight. I will go on, even if he has to carry me.