Keeping certain entries.
August 24 - Damon - I was feeling lonely to day and crying so I called my new online friend person, Damon, and I cried on the phone to him. We were planning on meeting Sat. but he suggested that he come up today because of how I was feeling. He wanted to give me a hug. ... I thought we were just going to be freinds...at least for a while...because he said he's in love with this girl. But then when we got to his house he was touching me, like hugging and stuff, and I was confused as to what was going on. Then he asked if he could kiss me...I was like "I don't know". I didn't want to say no... We made out and fooled around half the night, and layed there talking. He's nice. He said he doesn't know what he wants so for now we'll just be dating. That was fine because of how I feel for Brian and I don't even know about this guy yet. But I had fun with him.

Sept. 10 through the rest of Sept. - The next week in my driveway when Damon was taking me home, he said "I love you."...I was shocked and I'm sure I had this shocked look on my face. Then he said "I mean it." I told him that night that I was falling in love with him. Later that week, after we'd been together 3 weeks, there was an incident with him being high on the phone with me. I was upset and I realized I love him, and I told him so. It was actually a good thing that that happened. I love him. :) I really do. :)
I would just like to say that this is now my longest relationship, having been more than 5 weeks now.

Oct. 1 - The condom broke this morning and Damon is so worried about it. He got me feeling bad about it since...part of me would want it. I want that piece of him, a piece of him I could keep forever. I was quiet on the ride home and I thought I could never tell him, but I did tell him, and it made me feel better. And he said he kind of figured I would feel that way knowing me. He really knows me, which makes me feel so good. I love him...so much. I don't want to have to let him go, I want him to always love me, which he says he will. Someday, I feel, if I want a child, I think I want to have his. ...I have a Dr's appointment on Tues. anyway, so then I will tell the Dr. and Damon wants me to get the morning after pill so I will ask about that. Then we'll talk about getting birth control, why I made the appointment. Everything will be fine.

Oct. 3-4 Everything is all set with the pregnancy scare, but I had really wanted Damon to come see me afterward (he wasn't able to come to my appointment), but he didn't realize until it was too late. He was skipping his classes the next day and I asked if he wanted to come see me, he said he didn't know. But he asked me if my mom was working the next day and he wouldn't tell me why he was asking, but then he said because he was going to come up and surprise me by being there when I got home. I had told him that I would be upset if he didn't come. But then things happened and I wasn't sure if he was coming. I was upset about how I was not letting him off the phone that night because things were bothering me and I was again feeling that I'm not good for us or him. I also decided that if he didn't come to see me the next day I would break up wtih him because he wouldn't be a good boyfriend if he didn't is the best way I can explain it. ... So when he wasn't at my house when I got home and I called his place and he was there, then telling me he had to go to see his friend, I told him there was something I needed to talk to him about. He asked if it could wait an hour and I thought that I should rething it, so that was ok, til I was almost crying when we hung up, so I called him back and said it couldn't wait. ...It took me a while, and some crying, to get out "We shouldn't be together." He said he thinks I'm wrong about me being wrong for him. We were on the phone for a while when the fact that my father was actually home came up and he said "If it's not me ruining my surprise, it's Joe." He told me that he was never going to see Lenny and he was on his way to my house, and he'd be there in an hour. When I had called he had meant to be at my house, but he overslept, he meant to surprise me all along. We got off the phone then and would talk when he got to my house. But the surprise was not ruined, I was surprised and it made me feel very good. Of course now there was the problem that as I was telling him we should break up, he's on his way to my house just as I had wanted in the first place and I made a big mistake. I felt like a stupid bitch. But I was happy now because when we saw eachother we were going to hug and kiss and stay together, and I was feeling all better. ... So he got here and we hugged and he gave me a little kiss but I was falling off my stoop instead of kissing him back. We were just being together normally and holding hands and acting normal but finally he asked if that is what I absolutely want. So I finally let it out that "Actually I feel like a stupid bitch for having said that and I wish I never did." so everything was settled. One condition, though: If we're going to stay together we're going to do this and not almost breakup anymore." He said he was thinking that was very stupid and "We're both retards, that's why we belong together." :) ...Then we were sitting on a bench by the beach and he fingered me and I gave him a handjob in public! Because of my father being home and we couldn't have sex there. Back at my house, it was so cute, we were saying "I love you" back and forth and our heads kept getting closer together til we kissed. :) Now I'm feeling the compulsive need to keep saying "I love you."

Oct. 30 - It's my birthday, but my birthday's been sucky. :( Damon couldn't come see me. Last week I got my belly button pierced! And I jsut bought another ring and Damon switched it for me, you're not supposed to for a long time though. It's the prettiest thing ever though! a big jewel like stud at the top that's sparkly and pinkish and a flower stud with the same jewel likeness at the bottom.

Dec. 3 - I've wanted to spare you hearing only about details of Damon and I almost breaking up weekly, nothing else has happened except crap with school. I'm sick today, owwie ear and throat. :( I got a scanner this weekend so I'll have pics up in a while. :) It's only a few weeks before Damon leaves :(, but two months is better than three. My zines almost running, yay. I have three sites now, Voice is the common theme. I decided I want to study graphic arts but we'll see if I can get into a school. :\ I gotta relook at them for graphic arts. I took SAT's with extra time this time, If I do well enough maybe that will really help. Damon got 1500!!!! ! Well that's all pretty much that's going on now. I'll write more in a while.

Dec. 19 - Our Valentine's Day - This weekend was our Valentines Day because he will be away for V day. Damon said he doesn't want to date anyone else...ever...again. :)
He made me a candlelit dinner of my choosing, I chose swordfish and mashed potatoes. ;) The gift he was going to give me, when he secretly showed me, I didn't care, so he was upset and he hasn't bought me anything yet. he finally got me flowers because I outright told him to, but they're pretty, and he listened to the type that I liked when he got them.
I got him a really big teddy bear with a love theme, and he loved it, even though it was a lot bigger than I thought. I had my Aunt buy it.
At the mall, we saw a little kid trying to smell something at Bath N' Body Works, and the Dad yelled at him pretty much to not touch it. Damon was angry at this, he said his parenting license should be revoked. He was more upset at it than I was, even. He said he even heard the little boy say "I'm just smelling it." Awwwwwww :( But I was so pleased hearing him get angry at this, he will be a good father.
I was crying about Damon leaving soon, and Damon wiped snot from my nose with his finger! I can't get over it. He's a big sweetie. He wiped it with his finger when he could have reached over for a napkin, he said "of course" That's just the type of guy Damon is, he's so nice. He's wicked polite to everyone, and nice to everyone. To my gramdmother and this guy at a store. When we were friends just a few days he was totally there for me while I was crying on the phone to him, and showed he would be there for me in the future. He's a great friend.
He wiped the snot from my nose with his hand!
He's my lobster.

Dec. 22, 23, 24 - Damon said I am the sweetest girl in the world. We went shopping most of the day, and exchanged presents, I gave him candles, the stuffed panda he wanted, and a poster of a painting of his favorite artist. He got me really nice candles, magnetic poettry, and Godiva chocolates. Then we watched a movie, but stopped it to start some fun upstairs. Damon and I had a nice romantic night with all of his candles, the candles I bought him for Christmas, all mine that I brought over, and the candles he bought me. We played with whipped cream. It was so fun and I suggest it, with towels down on the bed, you get to show your partner where to lick and go to new places. Very fun. The sex afterward was great. Then we took a shower and a bath together :), with a few candles in the bathroom too. We had all this fun because his roommates were gone, and could rent a chick flick, too. :)
But we had a talk about if we should take a break while Damon goes away, and cried a lot. The next morning we finished the movie and Damon cried a lot, he was upset becuause I love him so much and he wishes he loves me as much.
We took his friend, Lenny, to the airport, then he took me home, I was upset because we almost crashed into a pole going off the road cuz Damon was falling asleep, and I didn't want Damon going home. Then I walked into my house and heard my mom was in the hospital, she had had an allergic reaction. But Damon still had to go home, he needed to drive home to Vermont.
It gets worse, at the hospital, i started my hysterical crying...and more in the car. Joe was being an asshole and I'm so fed up with my life, I can't live here anymore. I was in hysterics. I called Damon, crying to him about it, saying "I need you". But he wouldn't come back. At home I really lost it, and I started to cut myself, I didn't end up really doing anything though. I was having a breakdown and wailing on the phone to Damon, "Come get me", "I need you", "I want to die". It was the worst night, I cried til I couldn't anymore. Damon had to turn around to go home because he forgot his presents, so he would go to Vermont in the morning. He still wouldn't come for me, he couldn't take me home with him. We talked til Damon went to bed, and I fell asleep exhausted from crying. I won't be able to take it when he leaves.
I talked to my grandmother a bit about staying with her, we'll talk more about it tomorrow. It might be a solution. I jsut wish I could live with Damon. I can't have what I want, and my life won't be completely happy til I have it. I want to just sleep, sleep, sleep...maybe until I get engaged. I'm miserable, I hate my life. The only thing I have is Damon, and I don't know if I will always have him, so I may have nothing, I just want to marry him, but he doesn't know if he wants to stay together unless things change. Everything's a mess. I just want to be with him always. humph.

Dec. 25th - A Merry Little Christmas - Welcome to my worst Christmas ever. I stayed up way too late and my mom was like pleading for me to get up in the morning, whoops. My mom and were opening our stockings and Joe came out, we found out he didn't have any presents and my mom got so upset, yelling at Joe about the presents. Yelling back and forth, he ended up throwing the nice presents she got him back at her saying "Return it, I don't want it." Lots of yelling all morning and I couldn't enjoy my opening my presents. She was so upset and she decided she didn't want to go to my Aunts. ...She changed her mind when we were about ready to leave. The rest of the day was fine then my mom and I went back to my Grandmother's to wait for Joe to get us. I talked to my grandmother more about staying with her, but she just wanted to talk about me getting through school and how I can't get into college. Joe came FINALLY (Bastard) and she wanted to talk to all of us, she said we should all go to counseling together and he should be more sensitive. She said my mom should go to school and Joe should help her learn to drive. No, he wouldn't, "She's a grown woman." or whatever. She said he isn't mean, "Mean would be hitting you." "A lot!" I yelled, "He did a lot!" And I showed her how I started cutting myself on my arm and how depressed I am at home. She said give it two more weeks and we'll talk about it more. But on the ride home he was being a bastard already, "fuck you" to my mom, calling her stupid. He said he won't pay for college unless I live at home, so I'm totally screwed. I called Damon, even though it was 11, but he was tired, so not so very nice. Joe also said he wouldn't drive me to Nana's, and Nana can't drive yet. (She's sick, she was just in the hospital recently, too, and she has a pace maker. They said it was lucky she's alive. My life's great huh? My mom went into epilieptic shock Saturday, arr.) This is going to be so hard, I don't want Damon to bring me back home Thur. And he's leaving.....

Note: Joe=my father.

Dec. 28th - - ...Damon's gone. ...He's on his plane right now. I've been crying pretty much nonstop since this afternoon. It felt like I was dying earlier, like my soul was leaving me and my chest was caving in. but Damon was being so wonderful. I...I want to write something so badly...but I can't...Something good happened today, I did something I'm so very happy about, but I promised Damon I wouldn't tell. I want to tell so badly, I want to tell everybody. Not like they'd understand. ...Not much point in writing anymore... This was the hardest day, and the next two months will be hell for me. After that, we can start our whole lives together and I will be happier than I've ever been. That day, as much as this day I felt more pain than I imagined I ever would, on that day...I can only imagine how happy I will be, but I probably won't come close.
For now I have his pictures, his stuffed animals, his cell phone, and his sweater. ...I can squint to see his pretty blue eyes, his beautiful, pretty, sweet kind blue green eyes. ...And cry.

Dec. 29th - - Damon didn't call me after three, when his plane landed, he did not call me this morning, and now it's after five his time and no phone call. Damon knew I am scared of planes and that he had to call me. I guess he doesn't give a fuck. Now he's leaving me here waiting, who knows when he will call, but mostly more angry than I've ever been, and with damn good reason. ...I'll feel so bad if he is in a hospital, but that's unlikely. I know I just made a big commitment to him, but when he calls he's going to get a good yelling at, hung up on and dumped. This is the worst thing he's ever done to me. But, please just pray for him, just in case.

Dec. 31st - - Damon called. :) and he emailed. he said he's REALLY REALLY sorry. The plane got there late then they were just rushed off and he slept for a long time, then they went out again. But he did forget. :( I feel better, now though, kinda happy. :)

Dec. 31st - - Damon called around 7, Midnight his time. :) He knew it was important to me. I'm feeling happy now.

Jan. 06 - - This is from Damon's e-mail..."I miss you lots.. (slept with your teddy bear last night)." "Love you lots" Cuteness. :)