I've never held a baby

9-26-99

Did nothing today. Really. I didn't even get dressed. Just sort of lay around the house, and I'm damn proud of that. Though I should probably stop whining about not having time to do anything, I guess.

Just as John was cooking dinner and setting off the fire alarm, the phone rang. It was one of the band wives, asking if I could babysit tomorrow. Like the kind, agreeable putz I am, I said yes. Then I thought about this.

I am, as most of my regular readers know, not a normal woman. I like babies, yes; they're very cute. I spent far too much time working in a grocery store, so I tend to look at parents with a "Look what you've done to yourself!" attitude. I always used to say that retail was the purest form of birth control. Needless to say, I wasn't planning on having kids any time soon.

And I never impose myself on anyone. That means not asking for favors, that means not asking to try others' snack food and not bumming rides. I have never cooed over someone else's kids and I never asked them if I could "please hold him?? Awww...."

As a result, I have never held a baby. There was this one time when I was in eighth grade, I think, when there was a student in my mom's classroom retaking a test after school. The girl had had a baby, it was several months old, and she brought the baby in with her. My mom sat me at a desk and deposited the kid in my lap. I had no idea what to do with a baby, so I let it hang out there in my lap, not even engaging my arms, really. That's it.

I have never changed a diaper. I've never burped a baby. I have never fed a baby. No one has even told me how to do those things. But I'm about to be left alone with a 10-month-old and a three-year-old for over 6 hours.

I must be insane. That mother has to assume that I know everything about kids already. She said that half the people in the band recommended me, and I'm sure I was just about her last hope, since I've only met her once.

John and I were at a restaurant a few weeks ago and we ran into a friend of his. The guy was with his wife and kids. While John and I were standing in line, the John's friend walked by with his one-ish daughter and stopped by me. He said, "Y'all want a little real-life experience?" He laughed. I smiled, puzzled, and said, "What?" The friend wrinkled his nose and exaggerated sniffing the air. I smiled. John smiled. We were both confused. The friend said, "Uhh...time to change the diaper." "Ohhh, oh!" we both laughed. Ha ha ha. Talk about feeling stupid.

I babysat a few times in high school. Twice for these two kids, I think they were 3 and 5. Those hyper-intelligent teacher's kids delighted in tormenting me. The worst part of one evening was when they took off all their clothes and ran around naked for over an hour. I tried to act like it just didn't matter, and I said, "Well, you have to put your socks on. Your mom said you can't be in the house barefoot." They put on their socks. I had to bribe them to get dressed again; I said they could watch the Rainbow Brite movie one more time (making four times total) if they wore theire pajamas. What a horrid night.

The other family I sat for was just a single mother and her boyfriend. I watched her daughter and his son, and then the other couples they were going out drinking with would drop off their kids. I got paid per kid, and I played the part of Ringmaster. The only incident I remember was the little girl—she was 4—wanting to make out with me all night. Don't know where she picked that up, and I don't want to know. And once the older boy, who was 7, called the little girl a bastard. I told him to cut that out and he protested, "She is a bastard! My dad calls her that!"

I rather hope that the family I'm sitting for tomorrow has a computer and unlimited web access. Anyone who wants to help me out tomorrow, send e-mail. I may be searching frantically for advice between 4 and 10 pm. Help....