advice for a military wife

02-22-00

John brought home a couple of letters for me today. His co-workers distribute mail for one another's wives using the squadron mailboxes, usually invitations to Captain's Wife afternoon teas and bridal/baby showers. John always forgets to bring me the invitations before the shower's over, and I get nailed by the Wife Patrol. I'm sure everyone just thinks I'm a snob and a half.

Which I am.

Anyway, I got two invitations today, and I've decided I was better off when John didn't bring the things home. One was for a tea of some sort; the other was from Bigfoot Lady asking for input. She's compiling a book of advice and anecdotes as a shower gift for the fiancee of one of the band members. Advice on being a "military wife."

The letter pissed me off in so many ways. I got a bad taste right from the start, because it was from Bigfoot Lady. I don't like getting mail from people who don't know who I am. If she knew me well enough to be sending me mail, she'd know that my last name isn't the same as John's.

I don't like being a "military wife." I don't like being any kind of wife. I especially don't like being called "John's Wife." Even my friends do that to me—they introduce me as "John's Wife." Not even: "John's wife, Betsy." Just "Have you met John's Wife?"

I haven't been in this little club long enough to think it's funny, being "military." I can't give advice that's not a warning: "Don't even try to make a teeth-cleaning appointment." I can't tell any anecdotes that aren't bitter: "It took me three months to get a windshield sticker so I could drive on the base. When I finally did, I was supposed to meet some people at the squadron for lunch, but I got lost, because I'd never been on the base alone before. I couldn't find the squadron, but I must have been driving in circles around it becayse everybody was watching me from the parking lot and they all thought it was just the funniest thing!"

There's another reason why Bigfoot Lady's note ticked me off. I feel very selfish for this one. Can you guess what it is?

I'm just unclear on how they decide whom to throw showers for. Bigfoot Lady got one for her baby born in December. Since I've been here, two other women have had babies and have not received showers. (Maybe I just didn't get the invitations? Hmm....)

As for bridal showers, I just don't get it. The women here will throw a shower for a fiancee they've never met. Now, I'm the first to admit I know little about wedding etiquette, but isn't a shower the maid-of-honor's responsibility? If it's just a party to make a new-kid-in-town feel welcome, then call it that. Receiving lingerie and sexual energy candles from twenty or thirty women I've never met just sounds like discomfort waiting to happen.

I did not want, nor did I expect, a shower when I got here. I eloped, for fuck's sake. One woman here was determined to throw a shower for me; every time she saw me she said she wanted to plan something. And, though the idea of acting like a lovestruck bride (uck, I hate the word "bride" more than I hate the word "wife,") for an afternoon made me cringe, I was a teensy bit excited. A party? For me? I thought she was very sweet for offering. I also wasn't surprised when she completely forgot about it.

My advice for a military wife? Don't speak your mind. Don't be a loner. Don't keep your name. Don't go to the bathroom by yourself. Don't be a hippie. Don't lose your fucking mind.