By Leigh
When Giles walked out of his office he saw that Xander was still pacing. "Xander do sit down. You're making me nervous. The best way for us to help is to finish our research.""I am researching. I'm pacing while researching, but still I'm doing it." he argued. "I'm sorry, I just can't sit still. Oz is missing, Willow is near hysteria. We're coming up against the big one and right now our team is two very valuable players short."
Giles nodded and as Xander resumed his pacing and researching Giles bit his tongue, said nothing, deciding instead he would be better off reading in his office. They were all worried about Oz. He was supposed to meet them at the library after the Dingoes practiced. Willow had called Devon and practice had ended at 9:00 as planned, but that was 5 hours ago and no one had seen or heard from him since. It was totally unlike him, especially knowing that Willow would be worried.
Xander felt the presence and looked up to see Oz standing only a couple of feet from him. He was so startled he dropped the book he had been reading, "God, give a guy a heart attack. Can't you make some noise when you enter a room." Xander complained as he bent to retrieve the book.
"Sorry." his voice was low and quiet, not very unusual for Oz. Xander tried to look at him, but Oz turned, refusing to meet his eyes.
"Where have you been? We've all been worried sick, especially Will."
"Where is Willow? Is she okay?" There was an almost panicky edge to his voice, it was so rare that it took Xander a second to identify it.
"She went to Giles' apartment to pick up a couple of books that we need, because Lord knows there aren't enough here in the library. She just called for the latest update on you. Hey if we hurry we can catch her before she leaves."
Oz turned to Xander and the fury that he saw there startled him. He had never seen anything like that in Oz's eyes, except when he was a werewolf. "You let her go alone?"
"Hell no. You think I'm crazy? Okay don't answer that. Angel took her. We should call over there and let her know that you're okay."
Oz turned away from him, "Where?s Giles?"
"In his office."
"Get him. We don't have a lot of time before Will gets back."
It wasn't like Oz to bark orders to anybody, not even Xander. "Okay, what are you talking about? Not much time to do what?"
"Please, just get him and then I'll explain. I don't want to have to do it twice."
Xander opened his mouth, but thought twice about it and instead headed to the office to get Giles. He was struck with the rare inspiration to accomplish two tasks at once. He stopped at the phone and as he picked it up he bellowed out to Giles.
"Xander don't."
"Oz, you don't understand. She's really freaked. I've never seen her like this before. The least we can do is let her know that you are alright."
Giles appeared from his office. "Xander what is . . . Oz, thank goodness."
Oz and Xander both ignored his appearance. "Xander hang up that phone, now."
It was Xander's turn to be angry. "What the hell is wrong with you? Why can't we call Willow and stop her from worrying?"
Oz turned to face them and for the first time Xander noticed how pale he was, even for Oz. "We can't tell her I'm alright because I'm not."
Giles took a long look into Oz's eyes and suddenly understood what he was saying. His sharp intake of breath was audible. "I don't get it. Do you need to go to the hospital?" He didn't see any blood anywhere. His clothes were dirty, but other than that and his paleness he seemed alright.
Silently Oz turned his head to expose his neck and show them the two holes. Xander had seen vampire bites before, but these didn't seem that bad. In fact they were barely there. It was like a wound that had happened awhile ago, one that had almost healed. Suddenly the light bulb went off. Or a wound that was healing very quickly.
"You mean you're a . . . " Xander's voice trailed off, unable to finish the thought out loud.
Oz couldn't either, instead he nodded. "I was on my way here and the van broke down. A few vamps jumped me. I staked one of them and got another with holy water, but there were just too many of them. One of them drained me and then forced his own blood down my throat. I passed out and when I woke up I knew that I had been turned. For the past couple of hours I've been walking around thinking about what to do."
Xander and Giles waited for him to continue, but Oz remained silent. "Is this the part where you attack us and try to eat us?" Xander wasn't kidding.
"No. I haven't eaten anything, or anyone, and I'm not going to. It's agony. I feel like I'm starving to death. Maybe I am, I don't know. I just have these horrible urges to kill, I can suppress them for now, I get practice every month. I can hold off for awhile but not forever. I know that." He turned to Giles, his voice barely above a whisper. "I know what I have to do." Giles simply nodded.
"Oz! You're okay!" Nobody had heard Willow and Angel enter the library. She ran to Oz and threw her arms around him. He hesitated only an instant before enveloping her in his arms. She was so warm and he was amazed yet again at how perfectly her body fit against his. He ran his hands through the fiery red hair that he loved so much and fought to swallow the moan of grief.
As her scent and closeness filled his senses a war raged on inside of him. The only thing he wanted at that second was to turn her. To sink his fangs into her beautiful neck and taste her, to consume her life. Then to let his own blood flow, letting her taste him. To share eternity with her just as he had wanted to spend his life with her.
The other part of him screamed out in anguish. Oz would not allow the demon inside of himself to do that to her. She was so filled with light and goodness, how could he be responsible for turning that into darkness and evil.
As they embraced Xander had slowly moved closer to the couple. He knew enough about vampires to know what thoughts were running through Oz's mind and the last thing he was going to do was let harm come to Willow. Oz looked at him knowing exactly what he was doing and was grateful for it.
Angel had sensed immediately that Oz had been turned and he looked at Giles with the question in his eyes. Giles could only nod in response. "Giles, Willow isn't safe in his arms." Angel whispered, remembering only too well what Oz was experiencing and knowing the agony he was in holding her and not tasting her.
"For the time being at least I think she is. He seems in control."
"Giles how is that possible?"
The Englishman only shook his head. "I don't know. He loves her very much, apparently, for this moment at least, that is enough to fight it."
Willow pulled back from Oz and looked into his eyes. "You're freezing." He turned away from her in shame. He knew that she would see it in his eyes and he couldn't bear it. His heart may not be beating but he was positive it could still break.
Willow could feel the icy fingers of fear grip her heart. Placing her fingers under his chin she forced him to look at her as she placed her other hand on his chest. What she felt, or didn't feel, made her voice shake. "Why are you so cold? Why can't I feel your heartbeat?"
He stopped fighting her fingers and looked into her emerald eyes, wanting desperately nothing more than to get lost in them like he had so many times before, knowing that he couldn't. "Will, you know the answer."
Her only response was a nod before turning to face Giles in full 'Willow research mode'. "Alright what do we do? How do we fix this?" They had come up against so many unspeakable things over the past two years and somehow they had always beaten them. Surely this was no different. This was Oz, her Oz. Okay he was a vampire, but they would fix it. They had to because the alternative was unthinkable.
Giles saw the desperation in her eyes and he felt his heart begin to break for what the couple was now going to face.
Willow wasn't waiting for a response. Quickly she moved to the book cage. "We'll do the curse. We'll give him back his soul. I did it for Angel I can do it for Oz." This would definitely create a big complication in their relationship, but at least he would be there.
All the men watched her knowing that her desperate search for an answer was only to fight off what she knew deep down must be. The one she knew but her heart and mind were not yet able to face.
Angel was the first to regain his composure and walked over to her placing his hand on her shoulder. "Willow we can't curse him if he hasn't fed." Oz confirmed this with a nod. "He isn't guilty of anything. The curse won't take hold."
"Oh. Well we'll give him some from the blood bank. Or animal blood."
"You know that isn't enough to cause the kind of guilt necessary for the curse to work."
Willow thought for only a split second before offering a solution. "What if he feeds off of me? I mean you'd feel bad about that wouldn't you? Especially since we have the no biting rule and all." Willow approached Oz as she unbuttoned the top of her blouse leaving her shoulder and neck bare.
Oz reached out, putting a hand on her waist, feeling his fangs coming down. Part of his mind telling him to take her, hell she wanted him to. He could feel himself growing hard at just the thought. The other part of him screamed out to him to look into her eyes.
Angel could tell the struggle that Oz was having and was the first to speak as he pulled Willow back. "Willow if he tastes blood he'll lose the fight with the demon. He won?t be able to stop himself, no matter how much he loves you. In fact because he loves you so much he won't be able to stop until he turns you."
"You guys could stop him couldn't you?"
"His blood lust will be too strong. I don't think even I would be strong enough to stop that."
"I have faith in him." she argued as she tried to pull away and go to him.
Oz had been speechless. The fact that she was willing to do this. To let him feed off of her was almost enough to make him release the demon inside. He turned his head so that he wasn't looking at her. The voice that came from his mouth was no longer his own, it had a dark, scary quality that made her blood turn cold. "You might trust Oz enough, but that's not all that's inside me anymore. You have to realize that."
She hesitated and then actually seemed to be fighting Angel to go to him anyway. "Willow it wouldn't work anyway. For the curse to work he has to be the cause of death. Unless we find somebody to literally sacrifice to him the curse won't take hold." Deep down she had known that but was hoping for a loophole.
"Besides, if he bites you then the werewolf curse will be passed on to you." Xander offered.
"What about the werewolf in him? Couldn't that maybe counteract the vampire?" The hope in her eyes was blinding and Giles hated that he had to put it out.
"I would imagine that it would have the same affect on him as a vampire as it did on him as a human. Most of the month none, but the three days that the moon is full he would be an even more merciless killer, if that is possible."
"Giles isn't there some way to make him human again?" her eyes begging for him to tell her something, anything to give her some hope.
He desperately wished that he had an answer for her, but he didn't. "I've never heard of such a ritual. If it had ever been attempted I would have."
Xander spoke up. "Even if there was a way his human body is dead. If we exercise the vampire part from him he'll be left with a dead body right?"
No one answered him, each of them had too many thoughts running through their own heads.
Finally Oz felt in control enough to approach Willow. He put his hands on her waist. "Willow I know in all certainty that if I lie down at daybreak when I wake up at dusk I will be a killer. I will have to feed. I won't be able to fight it. I don't want to become the monster that we have been fighting these past couple of years."
The pain in her eyes was only too visible. "You make it sound like you're ready to just give up."
It took him a moment to find his voice again. "Willow I also know that I will come after you. The desire to have you next to me will be too strong, it's almost too strong now. You all will have no choice but to stake me. I can't put that burden on your shoulders and I can't risk that any harm would come to you, especially by my hands."
"So what are you going to do? Just go out into the sunlight?" He nodded, that was his plan exactly. She pushed him away from her, furious at him for just giving up. "So you're just going to kill yourself?" Her mind was unable to grasp the concept. None of the horror she had faced on the Hellmouth had been enough to prepare her for the horror of this.
Xander walked over to his best friend. There was no way to fix this and now that she had run out of possibilities reality was about to run over her. He needed to be there for her in any way he could.
"Better that I kill myself now then I kill one of you or force you to kill me." Hearing the words come from his mouth did it. Reality hit her with the force of a semi-truck at full speed. All the eyes in the room turned to her. Willow could only imagine how painful this was for Oz and knew that she should be strong for him if nothing else, but right now that just wasn't possible. Suddenly she couldn't even breathe, she needed to leave. She needed to be able to break down and couldn't bear to have them see it, especially him. She took off running out of the library.
Oz wanted to run after her, to go to her and hold her, but he knew he couldn't. Xander glanced at him and he nodded. "Go. I can't trust myself alone with her." Xander was halfway out the door before Oz even finished the sentence.
It didn't take Xander long to find her, he knew right where to go. Ms. Calendar's old classroom. The room held so many memories for her, good and bad. It was there that she had grieved for Ms. Calendar, where she had gained so much confidence as she took over the class, where she had found the cure for Angel, and where her and Oz had spent so many hours falling in love.
He found her crouched in the corner in the dark and the sounds of her sobbing broke his heart. He sat down next to her and wordlessly held his arms out to her. She collapsed into them. They sat for a long time, the only sounds were those of her crying as her tiny frame was racked with sobs. Xander stroked her hair wishing there was something he could say, knowing that there wasn't. Slowly the tears began to diminish and she grew silent and still.
"Xander what am I supposed to do?" Throughout their friendship they had always been there for each other. They always tried to give each other the answers they needed to get through life. This was no different.
He thought carefully for a moment before answering. He had never been any good at the serious stuff, but he knew that right now he had to be, for her. "I think that the reason he came here was to say goodbye. So you wouldn't spend the rest of your life wondering. So that you would know what happened to him. So that you would know that he was still good until the end. In a way he's sacrificing himself to spare us. You need to be able to say goodbye to him and let him say goodbye to you."
Willow nodded. "I know that you're right, but I don't know how to do that. How do I say goodbye to him? How do I let him just take his own life? I love him so much. Angel's killed who knows how many people and Oz is innocent. Why the hell does he get a soul but Oz has to die? I know I keep asking questions that have no answer, I can't help it. I thought I was supposed to be the smart one, I was supposed to have the answers, or be able to find them."
"Willow some questions don't have answers. Not everything can be found, some things you just know, or you have to find the strength inside to bluff your way through them." Damn, he sounded almost wise.
"How am I supposed to live my life without him, knowing what it's like to have him in it? He changes everything, makes everything better. It's so much different, better to have someone you love. It makes everything matter more."
"I know." And he had, ever since they had kissed at Homecoming. He had known that he loved her, he had just realized it too late. After he realized that she only loved Oz he had never spoken those words to her, but he knew it just the same. He just didn't know what it was like to have someone love you back like that. At least not firsthand. He had seen the two of them and their love for each other was evident.
"Maybe I should just leave, maybe this is just too much for her. The sun will be coming up soon, there isn't a lot of time left."
"Give her a couple more minutes. She's a very strong girl, you know that. She needs this, to be strong, for both of you. Give her that chance." Angel told him and Oz nodded knowing that he was right. "Is there anything I can do?" His heart went out to him, and her, to both of them.
"Actually there is. My family. I don't want them to spend the rest of their lives wondering what happened to me, looking for me."
Angel nodded. "I'll take care of it."
Willow and Xander returned and Willow never hesitated before putting her arms around Oz. Suddenly the tears that she thought had dried up suddenly returned. "I'm sorry. I promised myself that I would be strong for you. I want to so badly."
Oz could feel her fighting the tears as he held her. "Baby, it's okay. you don't have to be anything for me except you. That's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever needed, it's always enough. Let it out." And she did.
Continues
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