By Robert Trreborlang.

Just before lunch on a public holiday, I woke up in Australia.
Having survived my first few month - learned not to ask questions, never dress well and always look busy, I had at long last received an invitation to a genuine Australian barbeque.
The sky was piercing blue, the air scorching hot. I felt like an explorer about to step into new uncharted territory.

My host welcomed me at the front door and quickly led me through the house to the backyard.
People stood around in groups in a cafeteria-like atmosphere.
The sun was at its zenith and meat was being thrown on the smokey grill.
"Help yourself," said my host.

I'd never before seen an Australian barbeque in action and felt excited.
It was like finding out how the Royal Family behaved in private.
Just what exactly happened there? What were Australians like away from the public eye?
It was only some hours later, that I began to realize that polite and apologetic, people spoke to each other no differently from those I had met in offices, factories and streets.
There appeared to be an arm's length even among the closest relatives and friends.
When I discussed my observations with a few of the other guests, they advised me to have another drink.
At first I thought that everyone was tired from a weeks hard work but after attending a great number of such events, I became aware that Australians were like this all the time.
In fact, no one appeared to have any personal problem or worries.
Unlike people in overseas societies. Australians just didn't seem to have the need to be too close to one another.
Could it be that they were a race apart? Maybe they were communicating in a different dimension.
I started to feel envious. I wanted to be like the people around me. Everybody acted so normal, so problem-free. I was like a visitor to an island paradise who longed to emulate the mystifying philosophy of the carefree locals. But how?

Perhaps the key to everything was to create just the right distance between ourselves and others. Maybe the secret was to treat friends, family members and strangers all alike?
I set myself the task of finding out.

When unrestrained emotional Italians have a problem, they expect the whole world to take an interest, listen and help them solve it.
Friends are selfishly contacted twain the morning hours are spent discussing the minutes details and litres of coffee and tears are poured out, while all manner of possible suggestions are put forward.

No Australian would stand for such behavior.
In the United States, too, there are millions of brash, pushy and loud people running around with a variety of problems, complaining to family, friends, colleagues, psychiatrists, social counselors, therapists, self-help organizations, positive thinking groups, or to anyone in subways and bars.
No Australian would stand for such behavior either.

Australians are a polite and courteous people.
Here it's considered bad manners to foist your problems onto others.
You may be in the middle of a nervous breakdown, you may even have in-laws staying with you, but under no circumstances are you to admit to any difficulties.
"How's it going?"
"Great!"
"Are those your crutches?"
"Marvelous, aren't they?"
What about the neck brace?"
"Brand new!"

While Australians have problems like everyone else, it is considered highly improper to voice these in intelligible exact terms.
Polite Australians always talk about things that bother them with veiled cryptic comments. Well-bred people, they would never let on to what it is that's really wrong.
Under no condition are the issues that trouble you to be voiced in clear precise terms. Never actually refer to the problem itself. Always act as if your problem is something that's all over now and no longer of any consequence. Make it impossible for people to help you.
A German with matrimonial troubles, for example, will most likely take a swing of schnapps, turn to a friend and say:
"I had an argument with Helda last night and she told me that if I didn't stop seeing other women and start coming home on time, she'd walk out on me."
This rude, obnoxious, over-precise way of talking about problems is simply not acceptable in Australia.
An Australian in a similar predicament, after a long evening of inconsequential conversation with a friend, would remark:
"Jane's been strange lately."
"Old history, year?"
"She's been acting sort of funny."
"Hmmm."
"Make one wonder"
Another very important rule emerges here.
Well-brought up friends in Australia know always to keep their distance and not get involved. The degree to which you can distance yourself from someone with a problem, in fact, and insist on not helping them solve it, is recognized as a measure of your good manners.
"Its up to you."
"I don't care either way."
"Whatever makes you happy."

Remember that should you, in a moment of weakness, take note of the problems of others or even offer to help them, there's a good chance that they'll shun you ever after for your tactless behaviour.
You may know that the lives of Fiona, Garry or Greg are currently in a disastrous state, but you must never say anything upon meeting.
They may have lost their jobs or look like death warmed up, still you should simply overlook this and go along with a happy-go-lucky charade.
"You look great!"
"Thanks."
"Things must be going really well for you."
"Aha."
"Its good to see you someone who's got it all together."
"Errr…"

Unlike the rest of the world, the aim in Australia should always be to disguise your problem so completely that no one, preferably not even yourself, can understand any more the issues involved.
For this reason, its best if problems in the family and in relationships are simply left neglected. Do nothing about them. Ignore them until circumstances allow you only one possible solution:
"What else could I do?"
"There was no other way."
"It just sort of happened."

The key is to hold back from talking about the things that bother you until you're held back so long that it has become absolutely impossible to talk about them anymore. You are now ready to become a polite Australian.

In Italy the National sport is chasing the opposite sex; in Brazil, dabbling in candomble witchcraft; in Hungary, attempting suicide on quiet Sunday afternoons; in India, going on pilgrimage to remote and inaccessible temples; in the Soviet Union, dodging the secret police. In Australia the national sport is splitting-the-bill. Unknown in most other countries, splitting the bill is as uniquely Austrlians as the great rock of Uluru. "Let me take care of this." "Don't be silly." "Ah, thanks." "No, no we'll split the bill." The Chinese, by contrast, brought up under oligarchic regimes, do not accept the division of any restaurant account. Among them it is always the eldest at the table or the person responsible for the invitating, who does the paying. The Greeks too, warped by centuries of Turkish oppression, refute bill-splitting, and will fight to the last for the right to settle the entire table. Australians, unaware of their global uniqueness in this field, split bills on every conceivable occasion and as often as possible.

HOW TO AVOID PEOPLE

Australians are a cordial and friendly people who seem to more than welcome you into their midst. This natural openness should not be abused, however, and you'd be well-advised to practise the restraint Australians clearly expect and deserve.

On train and buses

Always sit on your own, as far away as possible from other passengers. This will show that you are both serious and self contained. Do not stare about you, fidget or hum in the manner of many overseas travellers. Its best to gaze at some unseenm inner landscape, as if in a trance. Only when the entire bus or carriage is filed in this way is it permissible to sit next to others. You maay now take a seat next to a stranger, but only with the utmost reserve and nervous uncertaintly. Ensure that no part of your body or clothing touches theirs. Pick passengers not out of personal preference but because: a) they seem the least offensive; or b) they look as if they're about to hop off.

Standing in queues

Do not attempt to engage anyone in conversation while queuing up at a bank, a government office or some other public place. It might be acceptable to launch into a discussion with perfect strangers in Zagreb or Naples; many insecure Europeans, who've never met before, often end up having drinks together or beginning life-long friendship, simply through asking each other the time. Australians, self-assured inhabitants of the world's largest isle, have no such immature habits and feel no need to communicate with strangers. On the contrary, since being singled out makes them feel ridiculous, Australians think it rather important to put unknown persons on their place and force them to realize that it is just what they ought to remain - unknown.

Remember that Australians in their childhood are told to be beware of peple, never to talk to anybody with too friendly a smile on their face, and to ignore those who wish to engage them in conversation. Sure, you might miss out on a few boiled lollies, but think of the succesfu way you can overcome some of the greatest perils of growing up:

a) finding out new information; b) making new friends; c) learning to cope with life through spontaneity and charm.

ALWAYS BE SORRY

Parents in Germany constantly encourage offsprings to be thorough in everything they do. In United States, kids are prodded to save money they earn. In Japan, infants are urged to become loyal and hardworking. In Australia much of the time and energy spent on education goes into teaching children the importance of being sorry. In France, birthplace of country manners, should someone step on your foot it is socially quite acceptable to report with something like:"Get off my bloody foot!" Such statement in Australia just wouldn't be considered good enough. Properly educated apologetic Australians, if they say anything at all, would be expected to remark: "I'm sorry to bother you and I hope I'm not too much trouble but could you move your foot a little either way because somehow mine seems to have got caught under yours." Then for good measure, you could also add (again): "I really am sorry." In this country you should never miss an opportunity to apologize. Do it under every possible pretext and with friends and strangers alike. You must say you're sorry especially: if you are right; if you think you might be right; if others agree that you are right; if you tell someone that you like them; if you're suspected of having made a mistake; if someone else makes a mistake; if you're getting drunk and falling over; If you don't happen to drink at all; if you happen to disagree with someone; if they disagree with you; if you are about to express an opinion; If you loose at a game; if you win at a game; if you haven't apologized for a while. At arriving at an Australian home it's good idea to start apologizing the moment you come in through the door. Being on time is a good excuse, i.e.:"I am sorry to be so punctual." On being offered a drink you must excuse yourself for proving a bother or better even, actually being thirsty. It's advisable to throw in a few random apologies to keep the conversation going when sitting down, such as: " I'm sorry, have I sat on the wrong chair?"

NEVER APPEAR WORRIED

To be normal in Australia you must never appear to worry about anything. Jovial and carefree, Australians pride themselves in being able to remain optimistic even in the face of the greatest adversity. It may be acceptable to worry in Greece, Italy or Yugoslavia. Nobody disputes the state of pessimism that rides roughshod over those lands. But in Australia, a young and vita nation, it is your duty to be nonchalant at all times. Everyone must deny any concern or emotional involvement, no matter what the situation.

AUSTRALIA - Confusing Country.

The Confusing Country

Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge deep into the girting sea. Geologists assure an accident of geomorphology and plate tectonics, the "Great Australian Bight" proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory, but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other land masses and sovereign lands are classified as either continent, island, or country, Australia is considered all three. Typically, it is unique in this.
The second confusing thing about Australia are divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep.
It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them. However, there are curiously few snakes, possibly because the spiders have killed them all. But even the spiders won't go near the sea. Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on) under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A STiCK is very useful for this task.

Strangely, it tends to be the second class of animals (the Odd) that are more dangerous. The creature that kills the most people each year is the common Wombat.
It is nearly as ridiculous as its name, and spends its life digging holes in the ground, in which it hides. During the night it comes out to eat worms and grubs.
The wombat kills people in two ways: First, the animal is indestructible. Digging holes in the hard Australian clay builds muscles that outclass Olympic weightlifters. At night, they often wander the roads.
Semi-trailers (Road Trains) have hit them at high speed, with all 9 wheels on one side, and this merely makes them very annoyed. They express this by snorting, glaring, and walking away. Alas, to smaller cars, the wombat becomes an asymmetrical launching pad, with results that can be imagined, but not adequately described.

The second way the wombat kills people relates to its burrowing behaviour. If a person happens to put their hand down a Wombat hole, the Wombat will feel the disturbance and think "Ho! My hole is collapsing!" at which it will brace its muscled legs and push up against the roof of its burrow with incredible force, to prevent its collapse.
Any unfortunate hand will be crushed, and attempts to withdraw will cause the Wombat to simply bear down harder. The unfortunate will then bleed to death through their crushed hand as the wombat prevents him from seeking assistance. This is considered the third most embarrassing known way to die, and Australians don't talk about it much.

At this point, we would like to mention the Platypus, estranged relative of the mammal, which has a duck-bill, otter's tail, webbed feet, lays eggs, detects its aquatic prey in the same way as the electric eel, and has venomous barbs attached to its hind legs, thus combining all 'typical' Australian attributes into a single improbable creature.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants. First, a short history: Some time around 40,000 years ago, some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died.
The ones that survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in, and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged and stupid people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in Autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons when moving from the top half of the planet to the bottom), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal, and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say) - whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert, equipped with a STiCK.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on Extended Holiday and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside your boots every morning for fatal surprises.
They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches.
Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the entire world. Although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock, and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst, and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a dour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful, and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger, unless they are an American. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a STiCK.
Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string, and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is Greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz", "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country") and "Best place on earth, bar none, strewth." The irritating thing about this is they may be right.

There are some traps for the unsuspecting traveler, though.
Do not under any circumstances suggest that the beer is imperfect, unless you are comparing it to another kind of Australian beer. Do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.
Religion and Politics are safe topics of conversation (Australians don't care too much about either) but Sport is a minefield. The only correct answer to "So, howdya' like our country, eh?" is "Best {insert your own regional swear word here} country in the world!".

It is very likely that, on arriving, some cheerful Australians will 'adopt' you, and on your first night, and take you to a pub where Australian Beer is served. Despite the obvious danger, do not refuse.
It is a form of initiation rite. You will wake up late the next day with an astonishing hangover, a foul-taste in your mouth, and wearing strange clothes.
Your hosts will usually make sure you get home, and waive off any legal difficulties with "It's his first time in Australia, so we took him to the pub.", to which the policeman will sagely nod and close his notebook. Be sure to tell the story of these events to every other Australian you encounter, adding new embellishments at every stage, and noting how strong the beer was. Thus you will be accepted into this unique culture.

Most Australians are now urban dwellers, having discovered the primary use of electricity, which is air-conditioning and refrigerators.

Typical Australian sayings:
"G'Day!"
"It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick."
"She'll be right."
"And down from Kosciusko, where the pine clad ridges raise their torn and rugged battlements on high, where the air is clear as crystal, and the white stars fairly blaze at midnight in the cold and frosty sky. And where, around the overflow, the reed beds sweep and sway to the breezes, and the rolling plains are wide. The Man from Snowy River is a household word today, and the stockmen tell the story of his ride."

Tips to Surviving Australia:
Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason whatsoever. We mean it.
The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.
Always carry a stick.
Air-conditioning.
Do not attempt to use Australian slang, unless you are a trained linguist and good in a fistfight.
Thick socks.
Take good maps. Stopping to ask directions only works when there are people nearby.
If you leave the urban areas, carry several litres of water with you at all times, or you will die.
Even in the most embellished stories told by Australians, there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.