Therefore, if you don't like parodies, can't imagine Munkustrap dressing in drag, or have a deep and unbridling hatred for the Monkees, don't read it! Dig?
The summary of this fic is basically this: our favorite furry Junkyard-inhabiting felines get bored and perform the classic Monkee episode Fairy Tale - just because.
So, if you are still here by now, I'll assume that you want to read this. Therefore… on with the show!
Pouncival: Hello, it is I. The narrator. Fully ready to take you on a fantastic trip through space and time, to dazzle your senses with the imagery of this wondrous show, to boldly go where no cat has gone before…
Bombalurina: Pouncival, shut up and start the show.
Pouncival: Yeah, sure, whatever, Bomba…
Bombalurina: That's 'Yes, as you command Lady Director'.
Pouncival: Fine. Yes, as you command Lady Director.
Bombalurina: Better.
Pouncival: Who decided to make her the director?
Bombalurina: I'm the only one who wanted the job. Now get going!
Pouncival: Righto. Anyway, once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling… who comes up with these names?
All: POUNCIVAL!
Pouncival: FINE! Once upon a time in the little village of Avon-On-Calling, there lived four Toms. First there was Skimbleshanks…
Skimbleshanks: Hi, I'm Skimbleshanks, and I'm the cobbler.
Pouncival: The Rum Tum Tugger…
Rum Tum Tugger: Hi, I'm the Tugger, and I'm the tailor.
Pouncival: Mungojerrie…
Mungojerrie: Hi, I'm Mungojerrie, and I'm the Innkeeper.
Pouncival: And Mistoffelees.
Mistoffelees: Hi, I'm Mistoffelees, and I'm out of work.
Pouncival: The reason that Mistoffelees was out of work was because of the Princess. He was so in love with her, he couldn't concentrate on getting a job.
Skimbleshanks: Hey, Misto, babe, hold it. You can't keep dreaming about that Princess, man. She's a highborn, purebred, monarch classy kitty, and you're just a little black magician living on the street.
Mistoffelees: Rub it in harder, why don't ya.
Skimbleshanks: Sorry.
Mistoffelees: Anyway, Skimble, I cannot, for I am so deeply in love with her that I would cut off my right front paw to please her.
Pouncival: Horses are heard in the distance…
Skimble, Tugger, Mungo, and Misto: Hark!
Mistoffelees: The princess!
Munkustrap: (dress, lipstick, wig, whole nine yards) I am going to kill somebody…
Pouncival: Aw, c'mon, Munku, it's all in fun.
Munkustrap: (glowers)
Bombalurina: (sighing) Just say your lines.
Munkustrap: (screeching falsetto) Help! Oh, help! Here we are, stuck in the mud in some filthy little village. What a bunch of incompetents. Help!
Macavity: Heave, horses! Pull the carriage from out of the mud in which it has lodged! (to Munkustrap) Oh, fair jewel of the east, I'll have you out in but a minute. I knew we should have taken that other road.
Macavity: Shut up, fish breath.
Pouncival: (meekly) Yes sir.
Munkustrap: Look, somebody better come get me out of this mud!
Mistoffelees: (running over) Oh, fair princess! I have loved you from afar, low these many moons! May I carry you across the mud?
Other cats: (snickers)
Mistoffelees: (to others) WHAT!?
Tugger: I'd like to see you TRY and carry her… him!
Mistoffelees: (rolling eyes) So it's not funny for me to profess my undying love to Munkustrap, but the image of me trying to carry him is?
Other cats: (nods of agreement)
Mistoffelees: You are all hopeless. (to Munkustrap) May I?
Munkustrap: What!? You CARRY me across the mud? I'm a princess! You're nothing buy a wayward cat. A pitiful stray. The lowest of the low.
Mistoffelees: So you've heard of me!
Munkustrap: I will honor your spine with a walk across. Down peasant!
Mistoffelees: My spine thanks you!
Munkustrap: Down. (Gets out)
Macavity: (to Munkustrap) Hey, lady…
Munkustrap: MACAVITY, YOU'D BETTER GET THIS CARRIAGE OUT OF THE MUD!
Macavity: (wincing) It is stuck very deep, milady. Twill be a time before we are able to leave this place.
Munkustrap: (beginning to enjoy his role) Oh, twill it now? Well, I'll tell you what. If you don't get me out of this FILTHY little village in ten minutes, I'm not going to marry you, what do you think about that?
Macavity: Oh, wow, what a bummer…
Munkustrap: Open the door creep.
Mistoffelees: A Romeo and Juliet they're not.
Macavity: Your carriage, fair pearl.
Munkustrap: (gets back in carriage)
Mungojerrie: Hey, Misto, what are you lying there in the mud for? Get up, c'mon…
Pouncival: The Evil Knight Macavity and his faithful henchman - cat - Plato enter the Inn.
Macavity: Innkeeper! Innkeeper! Ho!
Mungojerrie: Ho!
Macavity: Grovel, grovel!
Mungojerrie: No, not grovel, it's concrete tile.
Pouncival: (to camera) Isn't that dumb?
Macavity: Innkeeper, bring us some food! Mutton, creamed spinach, and a surprise desert!
Mungojerrie: But sire, this is but a poor inn, we don't have such things here.
Macavity: Then send out for sandwiches!
Mungojerrie: Sandwiches, right, sandwiches.
Pouncival: See the knights eat their food.
Macavity and Plato: (eat)
Pouncival: See the knights spill their food.
Macavity and Plato: (eating food with perfect table manners; look up indignantly)
Macavity: Hey, watch it!
Pouncival: Sorry, Macavity, sir…
Macavity: (next to the front door of the inn; quietly to Plato) Here's the plan. You'll take her to the castle, you'll torture her, you'll kill her, and then… you'll stab yourself to death.
Mistoffelees: (overhearing their evil plan, runs to Princess Dolen) My princess, my princess!
Munkustrap: My bridge, my bridge!
Mistoffelees: I have news! The evil knight Macavity…
Macavity and Plato: (walking over w/ plate of food for 'Dolen')
Mistoffelees: Oh! (drops to ground and looks at camera) Well, here I am again…
Macavity: Princess! (looks down at Misto) Oh, glad to see your back.
Mistoffelees: It's good to be back… (gasps as Macavity steps on him)
Pouncival: Get it? Get it?
Bombalurina: (throws shoe at him)
Pouncival: Ow…
Macavity: (presenting food platter to 'Dolen') Vittules for thy sweet rose.
Munkustrap:Oh, my very favorite! Leftovers! Mm-mm.
Macavity: We had better be going.
Munkustrap: Hold it just a minute, buster. Never let it be said that a princess never rewards a favor. (yanks off pearl necklace and throws it to Misto)
Mistoffelees: (delighted expression) What is it?
Munkustrap: It's junk.
Mistoffelees: I don't deserve it!
Munkustrap: I'm hip, I know. But wear it anyway, it looks good on you.
Mistoffelees: Oh, does it really?
Munkustrap: Yeah, you know the white really brings out the black in your fur, although you realize silver would be better…
Mistoffelees: Oh, yes, of course…
Macavity: This is charming, this is, but can we get on with it?
Munkustrap: Right. Macavity, let us away!
Macavity: Plato, let us away!
Plato: Horsemen, let us away!
Tumblebrutus and Asparagus: Yeah, man, lets split…
Munkustrap, Macavity, Plato, Tumblebrutus, and Asparagus: (ride off in carriage, nearly trampling Mistoffelees in the process)
Mistoffelees: Any more of this and I'm going to get another princess to worship.
Pouncival: Sensing that he needs to help Princess Dolen, the brave out-of-work kitten…
Mistoffelees: POUNCIVAL!
Pouncival: Cat gathers his fellow village people…
Old Deuteronomy: Y-M-C-A…
Pouncival: To discuss possible rescue plans.
Mungojerrie: Hey, Misto, that's a real bummer about the princess. What are you going to do?
Mistoffelees: I'm going to miss her when she's gone.
Skimbleshanks: Hey, what about the necklace, maybe y'know…
Mistoffelees: Naw, man, it's worthless, not even real pearls. (bites necklace to prove his point)
Rumpleteazer: (appearing in a puff of smoke, laying on the Cockney accent REAL thick) Who called? Who called the genie of the pearls?
Pouncival: It's the fairy of the locket, 'Teazer! Not the genie of the pearls!
Rumpleteazer: Hey, they're MY pearls, and we're off on the script enough already! I'll do what I want!
Mistoffelees: The genie of the pearls? Well, I guess I did…
Rumpleteazer: Well, call back later, I was having my fur done. Bye!
Mungojerrie: Wait! Hey, you've got to help us; Princess Dolen is really in trouble.
Rumpleteazer: Oh, Princess Dolen? You mean the tall, loud, overbearing one - oh with the fingernails on blackboard voice.
Munkustrap: (from off stage) RUMPLETEAZER!
Mungojerrie: That's the one.
Rumpleteazer: Well, we'd better do something, she's got a lot going for her. Cobbler, you, you shall make me a pair of shoes that can scale high walls.
Skimbleshanks: Shoes that can scan hill fights… scale fall mights… scan high walls…
Rumpleteazer: And you, tailor, shall sew me a suit of mail that nothing can penetrate.
Tugger: Sue a sot and send it in the mail. Right.
Rumpleteazer: And you, innkeeper, you shall forge a kitchen knife into a sword that can cut through iron.
Mungojerrie: Yeah, forge, right, uh huh.
Mistoffelees: What about me?
Rumpleteazer: You shall collect unemployment while your friends are working. Then, when all these magic things are ready, you shall go through the forest, march right up to that castle, and save the princess! But above all, you must not drop or crush or lose the pearls.
Tugger: Ah, and I know why, yep, I've seen the eppy, 'cause it's your home right? And you don't want to get killed.
Rumpleteazer: No, stupid, 'cause they're my pearls and you're buying me a new pair if these get damaged!!
Mistoffelees: (pets necklace)
Rumpleteazer: Now, I must be off! (vanishes in puff of smoke)
Pouncival: See as our fearless village people…
Old Deuteronomy and Jemima: Young man, c'mon, are you listening to me…
Pouncival: STOP THAT! Watch as our fearless village FOLK make the magical instruments needed to save the great Princess Dolen from the nasty, ruthless, cunning, mastermind that is Evil Knight Macavity.
Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and Tugger: make things
Pouncival: Now we shall go to the tall tower to check up on our fair princess.
Macavity: (laughing evilly as they chain Princess Dolen up)
Munkustrap: Oh, save your laughter, Macavity. Soon my prince will be here to save me.
Macavity: Who will save you, Dolen? The nobles hate you, the clergy hates you, the vassals hate you, and the serfs hate you. So who will save you, who, who?
Munkustrap: Well… let me think… who's left…
Pouncival: Meanwhile, at the edge of the scary forest…
Mistoffelees: Why do I have to go through the scary forest and face the fearsome dragon and the evil knights to rescue the princess!?
Mungojerrie: Mistoffelees, you're the only cat alive who can do it.
Mistoffelees: Me, the only cat alive!? What are you talking about? You're all much taller and bigger than I am; you'd be much better at it.
Mungojerrie: Tough, it's in the script. Anyway, the armor was made to fit YOU; nobody else can get into it.
Mistoffelees: Technicalities.
Mungojerrie: Don't make waves.
Skimbleshanks: You got him there boy!
Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and Tugger: (shove Mistoffelees off on his way)
Mistoffelees: (walking through the middle of the forest) Of course, pick on the poor little cat. Make ME go face the scary dragon and whatnot. Nobody cares about me…
Etcetera: (comes skipping up dressed as Little Red Riding Hood) Tra la la la la…
Mistoffelees: And who are you supposed to be?
Etcetera: Little Red Riding Hood! My grandmum's sick, and I have this basket full of mice and rats and all sorts of good things for her to eat.
Mistoffelees: Oh, hey, you'd better be careful. There's a big bad wolf, and he might have already been there and eaten her up and is waiting to do the same thing to you!
Etcetera: You're lying, Misto! I'm going to go tell Jellylorum you were trying to scare me!!! (runs off)
Mistoffelees: Gr…
Pouncival: Meanwhile, back in Avon-On-Calling, the village people…
Old Deuteronomy: Macho macho man…
Pouncival: ARGH! Back in the village, Mungojerrie, Skimbleshanks, and the Rum Tum Tugger are having second thoughts about sending Mistoffelees off like that.
Mungojerrie: Y'know, I dunno, maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all.
Skimbleshanks: Yeah, I don't know what we are going to do now.
Tugger: (cuddling up to his faithful fan club) Let us seek a bit of comfort in our hour of sorrow.
Pouncival: Meanwhile, back in ANOTHER part of the forest…
Mistoffelees: I wonder where that castle is. I think I'm lost…
Victoria and Cassandra: (come skipping up)
Cassandra: Oh, look, Viki, there's a house made out of cookies and candies and all sorts of sweets. Think we should eat some?
Victoria: I don't think so… we might get fat or something.
Cassandra: Oh, true.
Victoria and Cassandra: (skip off)
Mistoffelees: Isn't that dum… I mean, sweet?
Victoria: (loud shriek)
Cassandra: Ick! We fell in a mud puddle! I knew this was a lousy idea, going in the woods and all… I'm never going to get this fur clean…
Mistoffelees: (mumbles) Oh, what a shame… (walks off)
Pouncival: Meanwhile, back in the tower…
Munkustrap: YOU BETTER LET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU'RE GOING TO BE IN BIG TROUBLE!
Plato: It's horrible, the screaming, the yelling, I just can't take it anymore!
Macavity: I know!
Plato: (grinning evilly) So when are we going to start torturing her?
Pouncival: Yet ANOTHER part of the forest, with our brave hero still lost.
Mistoffelees: I am NOT lost. I know exactly where I am.
Pouncival: Oh, yeah? Where?
Mistoffelees: Right here. (evil grin)
Alonzo: (comes skipping up dressed as Goldielocks) Oh, wow, I'm so tired and hungry, I think I'm going to go to that lil cottage over there and get something to eat.
Mistoffelees: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Three bears live there, and they'll be rather mad if you do that.
Alonzo: Oh, don't worry, they wouldn't do anything to me.
Mistoffelees: Why?
Alonzo: CUZ I'M A MEAN LITTLE GIRL! (goes skipping off)
Mistoffelees: He is enjoying that way too much…
Pouncival: And now, some words from our sponsors…
