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Airdate:October 21,1998 9/8 central
Dear Sally,
I've never, ever been more confused in my life. Something has happened. Something I can't believe. Something I don't--I don't even know how to talk about. Noel and I were hanging out one night.
And I've told you, like, a million times, he was pretty much the most comforting part of being in New York. I felt that I could go to him, anytime with anything and that he could come to me. We had an understanding.
Ok, wait. Hold on. I gotta back up here. I think that Ben and I have been getting closer. Which....granted isn't saying much. Julie and I are, sort of, at an impass, which, um, I'm sure we'll be fine. I just....don't know how exactly.
Ok, I know, I'm, um....jumping around, but this is important. The university has this used dorm room refrigerator program - whoever wants one signs up. It's like a lottery system, and Noel was in charge. I guess he looked cute that day. I don't really remember. Elena might have thought there was something going on between me and Noel. But I swear to God there was nothing! And you know why there was nothing because Noel are I were friends! New, really good friends. [B Which brings me back to where I started. I mean, all we were doing were sitting there -- playing Boggle.
Sally, you know me. I don't get confused easily. Well, that's not true. But, nothing compares to this. Nothing!
I'm -- I'm so screwed up that I don't even know what I'm feeling. I'm just.....on edge.
So, anyway, I thought this whole Noel thing through extensively...and I truly believe that the most mature way to handle it, for the moment, is to avoid Noel at all costs for as long as possible......which is actually really is a sad feeling. Avoiding someone who might be......your best friend.
The track was on my way home. I just dropped by. I don't know if he'd be there practicing for his tryouts. I remember in high school watching Ben run, and wondering how he ever learned to run like that.
And so tomorrow night at 8 o'clock, Noel and I have.....a maybe date.
Airdate:October 13,1998 9/8 central
Dear Sally,
I'm probably making too big a deal of this, I'm sure I am, but tonight is my first college party....ever.
Julie's right, right. I mean, the first college party is when it all happens. (Cut to Felicity taping) Ok, so, this is just one version of how it could go, one secnario. Ben shows up and, uh..... we see each other from across the party, and he comes over. And we talk about, um, you know, Mr. Regalsky's class or something. He likes how I look, I like how he looks. And we basically, um, you know, appreciate you know how each other looks. And then we start dancing, and we dance for hours, until we're just exhausted and sweaty and ready to pass out. But the party's on my floor, so I say, "You want to go to my room", or, um, (sultry voice) "You want to go to my room?" Whatever. And Meghan's not here, thank God. And so, we jus sit on my bed, and talk, about everything. Of course, I blew my first opportunity to ask him.
Can you believe that? I was right there! All I had to say was, "Yeah, next time, this Friday." God! How incapable am I? That was lame.
You know what's amazing? I couldn't feel better about sticking with premed, and this is going to be my first class, the beginning of my life as a doctor. (walks into a crowded class room) Because I'm not a Stamford, now I get to study under someone who, in a way, I've idolized. For years, through his books, I've learned so much from him, I kind of feel like I've met him already.
Sally, I would only say this to you....so after you listen to this tape, you have to erase it. But I can....actually picture, what it might be like....to be with a man for the first time....sexually. If you're laughing at me right now, I don't blame you.
Airdate:Octber 6,1998 9/8 central
Dear Sally,
Okay listen your not going to believe this. First of all NY is the best Thank God I decided to stay here. At first it was sort of scary waliking down the sidewalk. It was like being one snow flake in a crazy blizzard. But then it occurred to me everyone's a snowflake.
I know my parents are praobably freaking out now that there back in Ca. So just to reassure them that Ny is not swallowing there daughter whole I calll the. Leaving like ten minute messages on their machinee.
So here's the thing you won't believe. I was feeling totally okay with thw whole Ben thing. It was just a stupid crush. I didn't work out and that's all, over, next.
I thought things might be weird between Julie and ma you know because of what happened. But I talked to he about it and it turns out she's totally over Ben too. So we're both over Ben..................
It sorta through me off when he said that and at the time I didn't know what to make of it. okay Finally the thing your not going to believe. I was at work study filing housing documents and Mrs Jesph came up to me.
It seems someone called the admissions office. He wanted to know if it was possible to access student colege application essays-mine. Mrs Jesph told him no and he hung up without leaving a name. Then Mrs Jesph congratualated me on having an admirer.
Here's my new theory. No matter what you can never be ashmed of the truth. Never. Anyways I hope you happy and that your finding a life in Santa Fe.
I miss you Sally.
Talk back soon okay.
Love Felicity
Airdate:September 29,1998 9/8 central & October 1, 1998 9/8 central
Dear Sally,
You should proabaly be sitting down for this. First of all everything was perfectly fine. You know on paper. HighSchool was going exactly as it was supposed to. I mean in three months I'd be at Stanford Pre-Med. Then in four years Stanfoed med school. Then I'd start my four year recidency at one of the Stanford hospitals.
My dad was thrilled. You know because basically he's had my life planned out for me since i was pretty much a zygote. I was surronded by people who were actually looking forward to their lives. My parents reaction ws typically understated.
They say that crash victims, people who lose a limb, that they can still feel their missing arm or leg even after it's gone it's called phantom pain right. Well suddenly i had this horrible thought. What if highschool went away but the feeling of it didn't. I mean i didn't feel joy or sorrow or anticipation, things were going so well but all I could feel was dread
Three years ago I held a pint of Ben Covingtons blood. I was volunteering for the tenth grade blood drive. That's just about as close as we ever got. It's funny sometimes the smallest decisions can pretty much change your life forever. So thisis what Ben Covington wrote:
Dear Felicity
Here it goes. I've wacthed you for four years always wondered what you were like. What was going on in your mind all that time that you were so quiet just drawing in your notebook. I shoulda just asked you but I never asked you. So now four years later I don't even know you. But I admire you Well this makes me sound crazy but I'm okay with that. so take care of Your self.
Love Ben
P.S. I would of said K.I.T. but unfortunately we never were in touch
Suddenly I knew what everyone else was feeling. That was the worst summer of my life. So basically I've given up everything my parents planned for me. Everything I ever expected for a boy I don't even kmow. I guess what I'm saying is this all may be a colossal mistake as my dad would say. But on the other hand maybe it'll I save my life or something. I don't know Please respond ASAP I miss you
Love Felicity
