February 2003
~Small Shining Pearl~
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- Can't think of another Pearl Jam song at the moment, so you'll have to deal with where I am. Nikki and I are having a good time at the tournament. First round we hit Melissa Ginsberg and some guy named Kevin from Amherst. The straight link was "This house believes that 'sex drugs and rock & roll' is an acceptable life philosophy." We ran a cool case about AIDS and they called it counter resolutional. But we picked it up anyway. Second round we hit Swat A - Sonya and Aviva - and they ran my old case!!! The resolution was this house would make alliances, and they ran join ICC. I had so much fun with that. I've lost that case enough times to know how to beat it now. This round we're hitting Hopkins A, and Glee is our judge. We've had good judging so far - Silverman last round. So off I go, the resolution is "This house believes intellectual property has gone too far." AIDS patents to Africa here we go.
- So Ashray suprised us and ran what everyone keeps telling us is "The Mickey Mouse Case" about extending copyright law. Either way, round went well, I hope Nikki and I got it. Now to go party, but not too hard...
- Home. And slow to update, I know. Slow internet = slow on updates.
- Yay for pierced ears again. Its been awhile. Think I'm gonna hold off on the eyebrow till after working in Washington, however.
- I hate this fucking sculpture. Its not at all what I wanted dammit.
- Is it bad that every time I see her I just want to beat the shit out of her? Yeah, I guess thats bad. {{Sigh.}} Its not even you, just her. And she didn't even do anything wrong. Oh well. This song reminds me of you. I saw it today. You never came to visit me. I should post music, its been awhile.
- Current Music: Flaming Lips - "Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots, Part 1," "Flight Test," "In the Morning of the Magicians," Bob Dylan - "Things Have Changed," Faure - "pavane," Ferry Corsten - "Live at Trance Energy"
- Good West Wing tonight. Good volleyball too. Time to go pack tho, since I'm outta 'Deis tomorrow, right after class. Ooh, reminds me, gotta email Carl. Nite kids.
- Well the thing I thought was going to go shittily went well, and the thing I was slightly less worried about went really shittily. Listen, you know that I fucking have faith in you. I always defend your accomplishments, and I appreciate you more than I can say (though I try.) So you can keep being mad at me, but just know I'm going to keep saying sorry, and being here. Despite the fact you believe you don't have people like that, I could surprise you.
- I feel another fight coming on tomorrow night. I don't want to argue about this anymore. Why can't we just leave it open - why must we force people into what we arbitrarily declare will bring them success? I'm going to get upset I can tell already. Arg. I didn't really expect any disagreements to arise between the 5 of us, but really I wanted to kill Justin the other night. I really just didn't feel like he was listening to me. Arg. Oh well.
- Too bad we don't hate the same her, Sandhya, otherwise we could hate together.
- I wish Evan could just get over this stupid thing already. The people on our team who really matter are over it, and its just making it worse to prolong it. I don't understand why he has to look for every possible place to go after us. I really wanted to clarify on the forum that it never said "bring n-1 judges or you can't debate." It said we'd like to have an n-1 judging pool. And ALSO I don't think its unreasonable for Brandeis to want to know how many judges you are bringing. Its not as though we are asking for info about exceptions because we're not going to allow you to bring more judges. Its cause we just want to know whats going on. How hard is that to understand?? People are fucking ridiculous, and they are making my life a lot harder. {{Sigh.}}
- I'm really beginning to hate my sculpture. I thought I was really going to enjoy this project but the more time I spend working on it, the less I feel that it says what I want it to. Oh well.
- Can't see many more colors than that when you spend upwards of 11 hours in your dorm room working on a philosophy paper. Never want to talk about dead nationalistic frenchmen again. Its four am, and technically tomorrow, so I'm getting my ass to bed.
- PS..."the game" is kind of a crazy interesting flick, if its on TNT again anytime soon, you should check it out. Alright, now bed.
- Went to the party, drank in moderation, had some really excellent conversations, then came back and chilled with the team and ate greasy food. Good times on Friday nite. Also it was fun for me, Nikki, Rebecca, Ilana, and Brian to share a bed. :-) If only it hadn't been soooooo fucking cold. Anyways, I'm pretty sure that Justin and I were 3-0 cause we hit Dartmouth A (Henry Shi and Will Rack.) Not really a bad draw, seeing as who we could have hit. They ran that government should subsidize additional culture education schools for first generation american children of immigrants. That was fun. Field day. I hope we picked it up. If we did, then we'd be 4-0. I've gone 4-1 before, but never winning 4 rounds in a row. That would be the shit. Here's hoping, gonna go talk to people.
- Dartmouth obtained leak - 4-0! 4-0! 4-0! 4-0! FOUR OH!!!!!! YEEEEEEHAAAAAA!
- Beth and Adam are our draw for fifth round. Wish us luck.
- Well, dammit, I really thought we had them fifth round. But we didn't. And I guess our speaks weren't enough to break. {{Sigh}} Another bubble round loss. BUT WE STILL WON OUR FIRST FOUR!! That in itself is a great achievement, and we had a great time doing it. So what a great tournament. We had five other teams here, but none of them broke either. So we'll stay for awhile. Maybe Justin and I will be 9th or 10th team. That'd be cool. Closer and closer. Soon. I hope. Even improvement every time is good the-fuck-enough for me. Yay.
- Why am I so angry at you lately? I'm really sorry. And I'm sorry for how the discussion had to go tonight, and some things I had to say, but I just couldn't articulate my position without saying them. In any case, I'm sorry, and I love ya.
- Oh and PS, Brown dissed on Brandeis supa hardcore in the APDA musical. Maybe thats what caused Justin's craziness about having to win.
- And if by shit you mean, A JOB WITH NANCY PELOSI than sure I've got shit!!!!! I'm so excited!! I'm in DC for the summer! I've finally got a job that means something, and thats going to give me exposure to what I might want to do in the future, and experience that people will like. Thank goodness. This really couldn't have come at a better time. I needed this. And I am so happy. Great note to be starting out to Brown on - total elation.
- Justin and I are having such a good time together. I can't believe that we haven't debated since 1st tournament freshman year (Williams). We shouldn't have waited so long! 1st round we hit Fordham B, Mike and Steve, and they ran the following: Its 1941, you're the United States, don't terror bomb. Their three points of construction were its immoral to kill innocent civilians, its ineffective, and its a culture-killer. Justin and I had fun with it, and I'm sure we picked it up. Second round we hit Maryland A, Jennings and a sophmore named Josh. We ran Cuba, and it was quite an enjoyable round. Third round we hit random Penn novices, with Segal as our judge, and they ran that Bush's "no child left behind" policy is bad. Second time Jordan has judged me in a 3rd round (when I'm 2-0, presumably) about Bush on education. Anyways, we killed it and hopefully this means that we are 3-0. It'd be nice. Now I just have to decide whether or not to go to the party, as I sit here and wait for housing announcements. On the one hand, I could work on my outline for my philosophy paper, but will I really do that? Probably not. So why not go party? Cause partying could mean screwing up my chances of success here. We'll see. Time to house, later...
- Wow, my spanish prof is actually being nice and not giving us shitloads of work for this weekend. Not that I would have done them anyway, considering I have an 8 page paper to write for Romantic & Existential thought by Monday. I can feel it already. Its sooooo not going to get done on time, either that or it'll be really shitty. Eh, whatever, Brown will at least be fun.
- I'm really excited about this sculpture I'm working on right now. I feel like I'm definitely pouring a lot of me into it, or at least trying to. Moulding emotion.
- Wow. This is nice. I'm glad I decided to do this. And things are good. And easier than thought.
- Yay for being spontaneous and deciding at the last minute to go see Paul Van Dyk with Bo. We finally got to hang out, and I got to see PVD. Good times, just wish I could have been a little less tired. But seeing as how I a)don't drink coffee b)don't drink soda and c)don't do drugs, there's really no way to get my energy levels up, except by nature, and tonight they weren't really cooperating. But, se la vie, it was a damn good time anyway. Oh, and what the fuck is with guys at clubs?? I hate them. They are the worst. Like, please don't just start grinding with me, who do you think you are? And when I try to walk away, that means go away, not follow me. Aren't there some STUPID ANOREXIC SCANTILY CLAD SLUTS that you could be hitting on?
- Sleep is obviously the right choice now. Its 4:30 and I have to debate tomorrow. God. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
- I had a give me another chance dream last night. Only you'd be surprised to whom I uttered it. In general I've had some strange, strange dreams lately. Seems like they always come in throngs. Dream dry spell, then the barrier, the flood-gate of my subconscious breaks down, and out rush my dreams. Interesting. Wonder if we trigger them with events?
- Anyone need a hybrid for Princeton? I'm gonna email apdalist tonite, just thought I'd throw it out there a little earlier here.
- Current Music: Ani DiFranco - "IQ," "Loom," "Make them Apologize"
- Check out the "bored" link from yesterday and take the "where are you on the political spectrum" quiz. Its fun.
- Expanding to new oceans. Or maybe just visiting old ones. Either way, I'm glad to have you all in my life. Very glad.
- I've got it!! The Emperial Rescript on Education both directly (and through reactionary literature) was the major motivator for evolution of education in later Meiji era Japan! Yay topic! Maybe now I can write the fucking thing.
- bored --- thanks, sandhya
- Current Music: Ani DiFranco - "Dilate," "Falling is Like This"
- "her crumbled posture, her crumbled face, held up on her bent wrists like a pale ugly moon..."
- Of course you're not listed. Of course you're not looking. Of course you're not reading. Why would you want to know how I was doing? {{Sigh}} Sorry all, snow's got me a little down today.
- "She once believed...in every story he had to tell...One day she stiffened...took the other side...Empty stares...from each corner of a shared prison cell...One just escapes...one's left inside the well...And he who forgets...will be destined to remember...oh...Nothingman...Isn't it something? Nothingman..." -PJ
- I love friends. You guys are great.
- Taking up knitting again. Reminds me of my grandmother. She'd be glad I was doing it again. Thanks go to Chia for reminding me how. :-)
- This not doing any work on Sundays? Its GOT to stop. Hopefully the 14 to 20 inches of snow we're supposed to get by Tuesday will be early. Not as though Brandeis would actually cancel classes or anything though. I have to write this paper for my Japan seminar, and another for Romantic Thought, and I'm really not motivated enough for either right now. Time to procrastinate and knit.
- AHHHH! Stupid housing lotery...
- In the car on the way back to Jersey. Enjoying Oakenfold's "Perfecto..." on the highway. Its good speeding music. The rest of the tournament turned out as well as possible I suppose for me and Crack. I had fun, and that's the most important thing. Banquet was quite nice. Quarters, however, was so warm it began to put my sleep-deprived ass into a catatonic state (not b/c of the debating, I promise!) So I decided to leave, and now I'm going home. Will be nice to relax for 24 hours, & to see my girls, and my sister.
- Fun times with Nik. Diner and cube - couldn't have asked for a better way to unwind...
- What a great dinner. That was a ton of fun. Good night last night.
- Yay!! I heard from Pelosi! Interview monday! Yay!
- Pretty good first round. Other than getting our judge switched at the last minute, a highly enjoyable case from Megan and Dashi. Good times.
- Whew! Pat and Phil as a second round draw. Must not have been too great speaks last round. Either way, I'm excited. I've never actually hit them together before (and I've never hit Phil at all...) I look forward to the opportunity to rise to the challenge.
- Hm. I hate when people make you feel in some way as though you aren't their equal. Ways in which I often see this manifest itself - not making eye contact, and what Bragin always does that kills me, is I can't stand it when people don't walk beside you.
- Well, hard to tell how second round went, and third round was a disaster. Not only were we supposed to have Amanda as our judge and then she was pulled at the last minute, but in her place we apparently got the least objective judge in the world. Excellent to for all intensive purposes fill out your ballot in LOC. Excellent. I really almost didn't even bother giving a fucking PMR. Excellent. No hard feelings to Thane and Jake though - you guys are cool.
- Darn it Christian. Keys would have been cool. Thats alright, I'm sure we'll get in eventually... I hope this, as I sit in the hallway with Crack, who is getting drunker by the minute...
- Thanks for that, Pat.
- Fuck. I can't believe that. Really didn't think that was the case. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck lots of things tonight. Fuck Valentine's day. Fuck probably being 1-2. Fuck knowing that. Fuck you.
- Its 3am, I should get off Christians computer and get the fuck to bed. Laterrrrrrrrrrrr
- Cause New York is madd fun - that's why!!
- Its 3:30am and I'm finally ready to write so its going on tomorrow (today.) - (this entry will be master of schizophrenia).....Okay. All told - I'm sad, but I'm okay. I'm going to get through. This is what I feel happy about. I feel happy I won't have to spend nights wondering what you're doing. I feel happy I won't have to wonder anymore why I couldn't get you to really love me. I feel happy I won't have to say goodbye when there's no control on either side. I feel happy that maybe I can eventually find someone who I love and who loves me and who wants me forever. I feel happy that you said if it had been a different time in your life maybe things would be different. I feel happy that for six months of my life and yours we did good things for each other. I feel happy that the ending of this doesn't mean the ending of our friendship. Here's what I feel sad about. I feel sad that we were so close and had to pull away. I feel sad that I got a taste of what it could of been and then had to let it go. I feel sad about her. (You wanted me to be angry, and though I couldn't do it to your face, I came home and felt angry. If you were that sad, you could have called me. And why are you still doing it if you feel bad about it??? I understand people need things sometimes. But it was still dick of you, and it hurt me. You happy now?) I feel sad that I have to let that part of my relationship with you go, cause it was fun, and it meant a lot to me. So there it is. The happiness and the sadness. And you know what? Its okay. Its all okay. Feeling all of those things is just a part of life. And having this and what follows? Just makes me stronger. And you know I love to feel like I am strong. I'm going to be okay, (but it wouldn't hurt to check up on how I'm doing now and then...) And I have no regrets. So I guess this a thanks. For everything. I had a great time. Thanks for being important in my life. I think that's one of the greatest gifts people can give to each other anyway - participating actively in the adventure that every new day brings...Onwards I go! {{Sigh...}}
- Current Music: (3:30am) Bach - "Mass in B Minor" **** Verve Pipe - "Bittersweet Symphony"
- Ok, one more thing. GOD DAMMIT. It's five am, and I can't fall asleep because I'm thinking about what you're probably doing right now, and ahhhhhhhhh.
- Today is a good day.
- Alright, well so much for that. I guess its a good call to give it a little bit. I've been having such a great day, and I'm sure I'd be fine, its just her. I don't know how I feel when you throw that wrench in. So whatever. Time. Time is fine. Too bad though, I really wanted to hang out with Bo.
- By the way, Lynn - just a thought: you can't really name your fish Hannibal and then expect it not to eat its own crap...
- I miss Michigan people sometimes. I wonder how all the North kids are doing, like Mila, and Hoffman, and Andrea, and Jared, and Kirk, and Kallyn, and Annie, and more. I hope you are all well, you're in my thoughts...
- Thoughts from the porch: I wonder if guys named Alex ever date girls named Alex, and if so, if thats strange.
- We really hold such amazing powers within ourselves. Power to effect change, not only within our own spheres, but in other's spheres, and in more worldly spheres. Its kind of crazy thing. Life is such an opportunity. To do good, to do bad, to do unique, to do routine. But everything serves a purpose, and everything we do we do with the power within us. We even exercise power in such simplicities as random acts of kindness. I love the "fabulous realities" of life as my english teacher in high school used to call them. Those things that just catch your attention for being remarkable in some small way, and even if they just stop and make you say, "Huh" they've served a purpose. Gotta love how the world works like that.
- God, I sound like such a hippie lately...lol...it's honestly not intentional! Just feelin' life...
- Too bad it apparently only works in Netscape.
- Current Music: Counting Crows - "A Murder of One," and "Round Here," Creed - "My Own Prison (Acoustic)," Simple Minds - "Don't you forget about me," Beck - "MTV makes me wanna smoke crack," Dispatch - "Flying Horses," Good Charlotte - "My Bloody Valentine," Cake - "Jolene"
- Ahhh! Apparently my margins command doesn't work in netscape either. Stupid HTML. Stupid explorer and netscape. Just coordinate your damn tags.
- "I am colorblind. Coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am. Taffy stuck, and tounge tied. Stutter shook and uptight. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine. I am covered in skin. No one gets to come in. Pull me out from inside. I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding, I am colorblind. Coffee black and egg white. Pull me out from inside. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready, I am fine. I am fine. I am fine." - cc
- I love being able to see your own progress on things. Like tonight at volleyball I could just totally tell I was making huge strides, and although I've still got some work, it just felt good to see that working hard at something brings improvement.
- Life is truly such a wonderful gift.
- Current Music: 2Pac feat. Nas - "Thugz Mansion (Accoustic)" ---- really really feelin this song right now
- Ok, I jumped the gun. It hurts me. Even if it has nothing to do with me, it hurts me. I'm okay sometimes, but I'm really still not okay. Everything's a process. God - push me, pull me.
- "Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessey, laid back and cool
Every hour cause its all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothing but peace, love and street passion
Every ghetto needs a thug mansion " - tupac
- Maybe he's right. Maybe Ali's right too. Maybe I need time to think about this too. Maybe I'm just fooling myself when I say it will be easier later than now. I don't know. All I know is how not prepared I am for it to happen now. How much I can't stand the thought of a few days from now so much in how I live my life changing. Having to do it all again, throw myself into other things to forget the pain of being left. Take away a part of my life thats not only him, but the people who surround him. Cause somehow I think that it would be very hard to keep them without him. But maybe he's right. Maybe I'm keeping myself from something more. But somehow I doubt it. Supply and demand are unequal curves in my life. I could be happy pretending, and stringing. I'm okay with that - clearly - I did it for five months. Because its not just like I'm taking something I don't want in place of what I do want. Its just that I'm taking one smaller thing I want, and forgeting about some other things that would be also nice to have. I don't know. I'm just rambling. Its a good thing he doesn't read me anymore. Because I really have no clue what to think right now.
- You know what? I'm okay. Whatever happens, I'm going to be okay. Cause I think I really forgot in the past two days the most important lesson I learned this year. That we can take something from everything. That no matter what life throws at you, you take it. You figure out however to see it best, and you stare. Cause thats the only way you're going to be happy. To take something from everything. And already I've taken enough from this for it to be a hugely worthwhile venture. So whatever happens happens. I'm ready.
- I love stealing pictures from people's webpages. Here's a cute one of my brother Seth, and Gail (his girlfriend.) Thanks, Gail.
- And this one's for you, Ali... isn't that the hottest elf you've ever seen...?
- Well, Thursday I was going to write about how excited I was for BU, and Friday morning I was going to write about how great life was again, and Friday night I was going to write about how well Bragin and I were doing. Well, now, now its Saturday and I don't feel like doing any of that cause I just feel like shit.
- You know what, whatever. Its just another turn in the road. Whatever woods I come upon next, I'm sure I'll make the best of them. I'm fuckin tired. Nite kids.
- I love the sound of your own footsteps late at night when there's no one else awake. You're making your own little mark on the world that goes right away, and so its almost like a secret between you and the night. But for the second you hear that echo you feel worldly, you feel your own presence, in a unique way you don't get during the day.
- I am grateful to have so much love in my life. If it applies, thanks. For being a friend. And for being part of my life.
- Maybe you've thwarted me...hmmm...intersting possibility.
- Yay! I gave my first novice education seminar last night and although I wish there had been more people there, I think it went really well (especially with Alan and Andy's help.) We taught casewriting - something that at this point I consider myself to be pretty good at, thanks to the teachings of Greg, Russ, and Stor. Even if Andy's the one who thinks of the cases (8D) I can be put to good use in constructing. :) In any case, I think that Adam, Sam, Samantha, and Rebecca found it at least a little helpful. In any case, I was glad to feel like I was doing something to help novice education, and I can't believe that we hadn't taught casing yet! Scandalous!
- Met with Jean Eddy today. She seems nice, though Crack brings up a good point that she's supposed to look like the helpful woman who'll do it all for you, and whether or not she does it is another matter. I'm intrigued though by the idea for nats that she gave us. If what Crack is working on doesn't come through, we should think of something else, cause I definitely think she's on the right track with that being the way to work on the alums.
- Congrats to one of my fellow bostonians for being the first to correctly identify this months musical theme - Pearl Jam. See you this weekend!
- Current Music: (*having a classical day*) Tchaikovsky - "Waltz of the Flowers (nutcracker suite)" *** Chopin - "Nocturnes in C# minor and Eb" *** Debussy - "Prelude to Afternoon of A Fawn" *** Holst - "The Planets: Saturn (Bringer of Old Age)" *** Rachmaninoff - "Piano Concertos 2 and 3" *** Requiem for A Dream - "Summer Overture" *** Ravel - "String Quartet in F major" *** Saint Saens - "Danse Macabre" *** and Stravinsky - "The Firebird" (gearing up for the BSO in March - anyone want to come??)
- Ahhh, thats much better. Still managed to keep Ali and Petey on here, and the colors I liked, but make my text more readable. Cool.
- Wow, I am an updating MADMAN today. Sorry, not much more to say, I promise. :-) Just wanted to add some music, Coldplay "Clocks," cause that song just makes me feel fuzzy inside when I hear it. And one more thing, old friend, it was VERY very nice to hear from you. I promise I'll be in better touch. Promise.
- Julia is a really talented writer. She just has a knack for description and entertainment that makes her xanga fun for me to read on a regular basis. (Xanga, for those of you who are my whitest friends, is the asian version of blogger.) In any case, you should check her out.
- I'm listening to Dream Theater right now and it reminds me of Mike Randolph.
- In other news, Matt Damon is hot. I don't care what you say.
- Why can't Beth stop compulsively updating today, you ask??? It is, of course, because she has reading to do. All of The Revolt of the Masses by Jose Ortega y Gasset. In any case, at least someones as crazy as I am. Check out Storey's nat's madness.
- Hook...line...sinker...
- Well I think maybe the most interesting piece of information the boys brought back from north ams was this: somehow, crack and feczko obtained what I believe (correct me older people if I'm wrong) was the first ever TIE in the history of APDA. How they managed to do that is beyond me, but they did. I'm just glad they didn't have to thumb their way home, thanks to Crack.
- Hi Brandon.
- I feel like being the president of our team I should offer some sort of comment on the whole nats fiasco that is springing up. But I think Kevin's response on the Forum was adequate and I'm hoping that people (mostly just Evan) will quiet down. I think the first part of the policy (if you don't pay for nats, you don't debate) is perfectly reasonable. And as for the second, equally disputed statement, just believe Crack (despite Evan's breakdown of his comments) when he said that he was just trying to encourage schools to pay us back to make it a little easier for us. But I just want everyone to rest assured that no matter whether they do fix their debts or not, we are going to have an amazing nats. Its going to be so good, you won't know how to handle it. Just wait and see, APDA. Just wait.
- I love hanging out with cool people. Human interaction rocks my world.
- Life is good. Busy, but good.
- Have i mentioned lately how much I love crack? Cause I do. I couldn't be gladder that he took the novice chick who needed a friend under his wing last year, cause its brought me a lot. A lot indeed. check.
- I love Sandhya. So we can hope that they mean well and they're just dumb. Can you hear me hoping?
- I wanna be the banana peel. Don't suck me in.
- I wish a lot of things would be, but wishing is a trap that all too often catches us in eternity...
- I just noticed something. All of January went by and no one noticed or pointed out (including me) that the title on the month was "January 2002." Way to be observant, Beth.
- I don't like this layout, because it doesn't work with the font or the colors, or the background. But I like the font and the colors and the background. Gotta figure out how to make it work. Hmm.
- I also don't like that there is a counter on this page, but for every five pages I track I have to have one graphical counter, so unfortunately I was due. But I wish it wasn't there.