.
{In your creation Heaven did decree
That in your arms sweet death should dwell}
It's strange. I can hear the vulgar sucking sounds, feel the blood draining away--but it doesn't hurt. Funny, I always thought death would hurt more than this. But instead of pain, I feel... peace. I've been waiting all my life for this moment.
He never hated me, not really. I've seen hatred in the eyes of those I've loved. There's such a fine line between love and hate--you can't truly hate a person without feeling the tiniest bit of love, even if you don't realize it. I realized it. I loved seeing the hated in their eyes. Thoughts of me filled their minds. They let me get to them.
Kurama was different, somehow. There was always anger in his eyes, yes, and irritation--but he never hated me. And it bothered me more than he could possibly understand. Looking into his eyes, I knew I meant nothing to him. I wanted him to hate/love me, wanted it so bad it hurt.
You warned me. "He's different from the others," you told me. "He could kill you, Karasu!"
Sweet Bui. I'm sorry. All the time, you supported me, with love shining in your eyes. Out of them all, you were the only one who didn't hate/love me; you just loved.
{Deep Silent Complete
Black velvet sea
The sirens are calling for me}
You were so young when we first met. Maybe not in years, but your innocence and inexperience made you seem like a child. You looked at me with a child's eyes--a child's love. I couldn't make you hate me. You wanted to love me.
But that wasn't what I wanted. I've never wanted that. You never understood; how could I explain it? Once, I thought the way you did, that love was all fluffy clouds, cuddling under the stars, making sweet love, and promises to be together forever. Then I learned better. It's all so insincere. I wish you could have seen that. "Love" is a lie.
Hate is the most genuine emotion a creature can feel. You don't lie about hate. You don't fake it. It just is. Nobody tells you they hate you just so they can use you then cast you aside. Hate is pure.
You never could understand that though, Bui. You clung to me for years, always looking at me with your heart in your eyes. I tried to show you that hate is love. You watched me kill them all with sadness in your eyes. Did you wish I would love you like that?
But I couldn't. Not when you looked at me with that awful lie in your eyes. But in a way, I'm glad you continued to believe in that lie. I valued your companionship; I see that now. I thought I was just waiting for you to see the truth, and to hate/love me the way you were supposed to... but, to tell the truth, I think I would have missed you once I'd killed you. Mine forever--but I wouldn't have been able to reach out and touch you. Stroke your hair. Kiss your soft lips. Feel your body arch beneath mine as you orgasm, with me buried inside you.
You were so beautiful in those moments after we'd made love. Your cheeks flushed with color, your lips parted slightly as you struggled to regain your breath. Your eyes, half-closed and glazed as you basked in the afterglow of your climax.
I would watch you, and think to myself how beautiful you would be with your eyes glazed over permanently, your heart stopped forever.
{Saved my soul thinking "This song's a lie"
Sand on the shore is so dry}
Too bad I realized all this too late. Now you'll never get a chance to leave me, because I'm leaving you. My heart is slowing as my body is drained of its lifeblood. No more than a minute has passed since the plant latched onto me, but it feels like hours. I can feel your anguish as you stand there, outwardly impassive. I can't see you, but I know you.
Toguro will know. Somehow, he always does. I wanted to make him hate me, too. You protested then, as well. You said it wasn't worth it then, too. You were right.
I wanted him to hate me, but instead, I hated him. He manipulated me with ease. I hated his "mercy." I hated the way he commanded us like slaves. Mostly, I hated the way he would stare at me with those cold, impassive eyes. He didn't care about me one way or another. To him, I was just a petty annoyance.
Kurama was the same way. First, staring at me with impassive eyes. Then nervous. Then angry. But it was all so... ephemeral. If I left him alone for just a few days, his anger would disappear. He wouldn't think about me. Ever.
So beautiful... I wondered what it would be like to stroke that thick red mane, so silky between my fingers, and that soft, pale flesh. I tried to imagine him in Bui's place beneath me, panting and screaming my name as he came. But no matter how hard I concentrated, even in my fantasies I couldn't remove the cold disdain from his eyes.
Oh, Kurama.... When he pushed his beautiful, broken body up for that final strike, it was the worst moment in my life, and trust me, I've had many horrid moments. I looked into his eyes in that split second before he struck, and I knew I was going to die. And what was worse--he wouldn't kill me because he hated/loved me, and craved my death. No, he were going to kill me because he was determined: determined to win, determined to live. My death wouldn't be any great accomplishment to him. He would derive no pleasure from my death, only the satisfaction of another fight won, another triumphant moment where he danced out of Death's reach just before Death could close His hand around that frail ningen shell.
{Deep Silent Complete
Black velvet sea
Brave day sinking in endless night}
You were right, Bui. He wasn't worth it.
My eyes are open, but darkness is overtaking my vision. I'm dying. I've craved this sinking sensation for most of my life. I'm dying, and I don't want it anymore. I want Bui. Want to feel his strong arms around me.
I try to call his name, but only a hoarse, barely audible croaking sound emerges from my throat. I can't see anything anymore. Oh, Bui... Why don't you come to me? Hold me. Tell me you love me one more time.
But you aren't coming. I can't feel my body anymore. I am only thoughts now, and even those are fading. It's hard to concentrate. I want you, Bui. Need you. You've never left me alone before.
Why won't you come?
I'm sinking into blackness thicker than quicksand, and impossible to escape. Deep blackness. Silent blackness. Complete blackness.
This is it, and I'm truly alone. How ironic, that what I've tried to destroy for so many years is what I crave most at my dying moment.
Your love. Deep. Silent. Complete. Like the darkness that has shrouded my soul.
I love you, too, Bui... And my deepest regret is that I'll never be able to tell you.
{The age will say "This poet lies"
Heaven never touched earthly face
The age will say "This night was ours"
Blessed with the Deep
The Silent the Complete}
. .
