Backstage skit:
Director: This should be a great show. I mean, this is your first comedy scene since the Final Fantasy 7 thing, right?
Cloud: And why the hell do I have to wear a chicken suit?!
Director: 'Cuz it's funny.
Barret: Sure is!
Cloud: Ah, shaddap....
Yuffie: Hey! How come I don't get to fight?! I wanna fight!
Director: Sorry, but this isn't the action packed, materia equipping, blow your enemies straight to hell action gig you're used to. It's COMEDY.
Yuffie: Then why am I here?!
Director: Telling by your role in FF7, you're like the moronic comic relief.
Yuffie: Why do I have the feeling that I was just insulted?
Cloud: Forget that, what about this chicken suit?! I'm NOT wearing a chicken suit!
Director: Then you won't get paid.
Cloud: Did I tell you how much I LOVE chicken suits? Life just isn't complete without my chicken suit!
Sephiroth: I still don't see why I can't be the demonic villain bad ass.
Director: Well, for the sake of the comedy level, we had to reduce you down to being a jerk who's purpose in the story is to make Cloud's life a living hell.
Cloud: I fail to see the difference here...
Act I
Cloud sat at Tifa's bar with an empty glass, drumming his fingers onto the wooden bar surface.
"Man, this is SO boring! I need something to do. I wonder what the guys are up to?"
Just then, Tifa walked in through the door. Cloud turned around to see her enter and walk across the room and behind the bar. She looked at him with a serious look in her eyes.
"Cloud, we have to talk."
Cloud smiled, "Sure. Is there something wrong?"
Tifa nodded, "Yeah, we're broke."
Cloud raised an eyebrow, "How? I thought we had about 30,000 gil stashed away in a safe?"
Tifa sighed, "All gone. It just disappeared."
Cloud pulled out his Buster Sword and twirled it about over his head, "Don't worry, I'll catch the thief and get back our money!"
Tifa only shook her head, "If anyone in the slums took it, then they're probably long gone by now. Anyway, everyone's getting a job so we won't have to go looking for the stolen money. And that include YOU, Cloud."
Cloud's eye widened, "A REAL job?! But, but.." Cloud doubled over and hit the floor with a thud. He began to roll around a bit. "OW! I have a stomach ache! Ooooh, it hurts so bad!"
Tifa rolled her eyes and said, "You're still gonna have to get a job, Cloud."
"D'OH!" Cloud exclaimed. Cloud stood up and dusted himself off. Tifa walked around the bar she was behind and held both of his hands, looking into his eyes with a smile.
"Please, do me this favor and look for a job. Wouldn't you like to help me, Cloud?"
Cloud then noticed that Tifa's mellons were jiggling and her clevage was in full view. Cloud nodded with a dopey looking smile on his face.
Tifa kissed his cheek and said, "Thank you so much, Cloud." She let his hands go and Cloud went stumbling out of the bar like a dopey dwarf. Tifa smiled as he left, "Works every time...."
*****************
Meanwhile, Barret was at his job interview for a toy store. "Well, Barret. I see that your hobbies are 'Wreckin' shop on punk ass Shinra soldiers', but what's that have to do with working stock at this store?"
Barret tapped the gun on his arm and said, "Decrease in theft."
The interviewer gulped a bit, "Oh...kay....um, what other skills do you have that will help you with this job?"
Barret grinned, "I'm good with kids. Kids love me."
The interviewer smiled, "Really? Okay. Let me give you a scenario. I want you to respond to it as you would in the actual situation. Okay, a group of kids come in and run around the store, taking toys of the racks and throwing them carelessly on the floor. When you confront them, they tell you they're not going to clean up the mess. What do you do?"
Barret stood up and fired off a few rounds into the air, causing chunks of the ceiling to fall to the floor. "Awright, brats! You're gonna clean up your damn mess right now, or I'm gonna fill your little narrow asses with steamin' hot lead, GOT IT?!"
The interviewer sank back into his chair, "Uh, we'll call you...."
Barret nodded, "That means I get the job, right?"
The interviewer only replied, "We'll be calling in a few days to let you know."
Barret shrugged his shoulders, "Awright, then. Have yaself a good day, then."
Barret stepped out of the office as the interviewer promptly fainted.
*****************
Meanwhile, Cid is taking up employment at a local day care center. He takes a good look around, watching the kids running around and playing.
The female supervisor approached him and said, "Are you nervous? This IS your first day, after all."
Cid gave her a strange look, "Me? Nervous? Hell, no! I baby-sat before, that sh*t ain't hard at all."
The woman frowned with disapproval, "Mr. Highwind, could you please avoid using that harsh language around the children?"
Cid raised an eyebrow, "What f*ckin' harsh language?"
The woman glared, "That!"
Cid still looked dumbfounded, "I'm sorry, but I don't know what the f*ck yer talkin' about, lady."
The woman looked at Cid and lowered her voice so the kids couldn't hear, "I don't allow the words 'f*ck' or 'sh*t' to be spoken in here."
Cid's eyebrow lowered, "Oh. Well, how about 'bitch'? Cuz that's what the hell you're actin' like! An uppity, damned uptight b*tch!"
The woman gasped, "Well, same to you, you...you....F*CKING JACKASS!!!"
Suddenly, all the kids turned around and stopped EVERYTHING the were doing to look at the woman in surprise. Those who didn't stare in shock, began to cry.
Cid looked at the woman and shook his finger at her mockingly, "Such language, miss." The woman began to scream in frustration and began to frantically tear her hair out. Cid smirked as he whipped out a cigarette and stuck it into the side of his mouth. He lit it up on his way out the door. "Hehe, I love doin' that."
To be continued.....