One glorious afternoon in early fall, on a grassy knoll outside Saillune...
Lina:
Hey guys...notice how quiet it's been for us since all those fanfic writers
started school?
Gourry:
Yeah. No more casting us in those silly fairy tales.
Zelgadis:
Or dressing us up in those ridiculous costumes.
He shudders. Nearby, Amelia sighs happily.
Amelia: It's a gift from the gods!
All nod their heads in agreement. The pleasant scene continues. Suddenly -
ALRIGHTY, YOU SLACKERS! UP 'N' AT 'EM!! LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO!!!
Everyone: YAH!
They all jump up and start looking around quizically at each other, then up at the sky.
Zelgadis:
What the -
Amelia:
Was that a voice from...heaven?
Her voice starts to quiver. Lina gets annoyed.
Lina:
Oh be serious, Amelia. Everyone knows that the gods don't speak to
us like that!
Amelia:
How do you know?
Lina
(rolling
eyes): Well, if they did, then...(thinking fast)...anyone could
talk right back to them!
The more she thinks about it, the more the idea appeals to her. Winking at Amelia, she continues:
Lina: Yeah, you could tell them anything, anything at all, just like this...
Putting her hands to her mouth, she throws her head back and begins to shout towards the sky.
Lina:
HEY! YOU UP THERE! WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK?
Zelgadis
(aside):
Not particularly.
Amelia
(shocked):
Miss Lina!
Lina shoots a poisoned look at Zelgadis, yet continues on:
Lina: PERSONALLY, IF I WHERE IN CHARGE, I THINK I COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB!
A pause. Lina crosses her arms, giving a knowing nod. Then -
WELL, EX-SQUEEEEEZE ME, LINA. NICE TO KNOW YOU CARE.
Lina:
ACK!
Amelia:
I knew it! Now Miss Lina's going to burn in hell for sure!
Zelgadis:
And you didn't think she was before?
Gourry:
Heck, even I knew that.
Lina:
HEY YOU GUYS!!
After regaining her...er...composure, Lina returns her attention meekly heavenwards...
Lina: Um, who's there?
Silence. Then -
YOU HAVE TO ASK?
Lina (to herself): Dammit, I'm going to burn in hell for sure.
DO TELL.
Another uncomfortable pause, longer this time. Everyone looks around at each other nervously. Then, not being able to take it anymore, Lina breaks the silence:
Lina: Um, what do you want...with us?
WHY, LINA, TO CAST YOU IN A PLAY OF COURSE.
Everyone (facefaults): WHAT????
Lina: Uh, EXCUSE ME? Did you just say, "cast us in a PLAY?"
YOU GOT IT.
Lina suddenly recovers her earlier bravado and turns quietly to the others.
Lina:
Unbelievable. This has to be a joke.
Gourry:
Huh? What makes you think that?
Lina
(getting
annoyed): Oh, come ON! Some almighty being on high sticks
her head out to let us know she exists and is going to waste her time to
cast us in a play? Get real! (to herself) It's probably
just Xellos pulling another one of his looney stunts...
Amelia:
But what if it isn't? Don't you think we should go along with it?
What if she gets...angry?
Gourry:
Yeah, Lina, why make things worse?
Lina:
Puh-leeze! You guys are so GULLIBLE! First of all, we have
absolutely NO PROOF that this voice actually belongs to some "divine being,"
or whatever she fashions herself, OR that this whole scenario is anything
other than some cheap ploy designed to make us all act like idiots!
And I for one (directing an angry glare up at the sky) WON'T DO
IT - AND I DARE YOU TO TRY AND MAKE ME DO OTHERWISE!!!
More silence follows as Lina continues to glare upwards, not noticing Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadis taking a subconscious step backwards.
LINA, IF YOU DON'T COOPERATE...
Lina (belligerently): Yeah?
...I'LL DUMP YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS IN A HENTAI SO FAST -
Lina
(turning
bright red): DON'T GO THERE!!!
Zelgadis
(none
to quietly): Dammit, Lina, you just never know when to quit, do you?
Lina
(nervously):
Heh...
Shortly thereafter:
OKAY, FOLKS, WE'LL DO THIS BY THE NUMBERS. FOR THE LEAD ROLE -
Amelia: Um, excuse me, Miss...?
YES?
Amelia: Ah, what should we call you, by the way?
A pause.
HMM. HADN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT, COME TO THINK. BUT YOU MAY CALL ME...THE NARRATOR.
Lina: The Narrator? (rolls eyes) That's original.
THAT'S MISS NARRATOR TO YOU, LINA.
Lina (gulps): Just kidding!
RIGHT. NOW THAT'S TAKEN CARE OF, FOR THE LEAD ROLE -
Amelia: Excuse me! Miss Narrator? I have a question!
(sighs) ALRIGHT, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
Amelia: Um...you haven't told us what fairy tale we're doing.
A really long pause.
Lina: Great, Amelia, get her all worked up now.
OKAY, NOT A PROBLEM. I'VE GOT JUST THE THING. WE'RE GOING TO DO A LITTLE TALE CALLED "HANS, WHO MADE THE PRINCESS LAUGH."
Silence.
WON'T THAT BE FUN?
Gourry:
Who's "Hans?"
Zelgadis
(to
Amelia): You ever hear of that one?
Amelia:
Never. And I love fairy tales.
Lina:
Hey, pardon me Miss Narrator, but isn't the whole point of this to do a
fairy tale people will actually RECOGNIZE?!?
Gourry,
Amelia,
Zelgadis:
Lina!!! Shhh!!!
WELL, THAT'S TRUE...I SUPPOSE WE COULD ALWAYS DO SOMETHING MORE POPULAR, LIKE SNOW WHITE OR BEAUTY AND THE BEAST...THEN IT'S A SIMPLE MATTER OF FIGURING OUT WHO GETS TO KISS WHOM AND -
Lina: GAK!!! Hey, Hey, HEY!!! No need to get drastic! "Hans" sounds great - RIGHT guys?
She shoots a well-known furious glance at the others.
Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis (unconvinced): Uh, yeah.
CAN WE GET ON WITH IT?
Halfhearted mumbling.
GREAT. NOW BARRING ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS, WE HAVE FOR THE LEAD ROLE OF HANS - ZELGADIS GREYWORDS!
Zelgadis: Excuse me.
WHAT IS IT, ZEL?
Zelgadis: Look, not to be...rude...but isn't this a severe case of miscasting?
HOW SO?
Zelgadis
(rolls
eyes): Well, look at the title - Hans, who made the Princess *LAUGH*
Lina:
He has a point.
PISH POSH. HE'LL BE JUST SPIFFY.
Zelgadis throws up his hands, muttering to himself.
NOW FOR THE BAIT...AMELIA, COME HERE.
Amelia:
Yes, Miss Narrator?
Zelgadis:
Bait?
GIVE ME A SMILE, PLEASE.
Amelia, looking relieved, steps forward and beams happily.
Amelia: Like this?
PERFECT.
She suddenly vanishes from sight. The others start in shock.
Lina,
Gourry:
Amelia!
Zelgadis
(upset):
What did you do to her?
CALM DOWN, ZELLY-BOY. YOU'LL SEE HER SOON ENOUGH.
Zelgadis: *twitch*
NOW THAT'S SETTLED, WE HAVE IN THE ROLE OF THE PRINCESS' FATHER -
Lina: Oh no! Not -
PRINCE PHILEONEL IL DE SAILLUNE!
Phileonel:
WELL, HELLO, LINA! FANCY MEETING YOU HERE!
Lina:
Ugh...Prince Useless himself.
BE NICE, LINA - OR ELSE.
Lina: Just kidding!
UH-HUH. MOVING RIGHT ALONG, IN THE SECOND PRINCIPAL ROLE OF THE MYSTERIOUS SORCEROUS OLD HAG WE HAVE -
Lina: HEY NOW JUST A MINUTE!
YES, LINA, WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?
Lina: Look, I don't mind playing a sorceress, naturally, but an OLD HAG is -
I NEVER SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE THE OLD HAG.
Lina: Huh? But you said -
THAT IT WAS THE SECOND PRINCIPAL ROLE, YES. NOW -
Lina: Hey, Hey, HEY!!! Aren't I playing that part?
AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?
Lina (quite upset): IT'S *MY SHOW* DAMMIT!!!
OH, IS THAT IT? WELL, DON'T WORRY, LINA, I'VE GOT JUST THE THING. IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT. IN FACT, I COULDN'T DO THE PLAY WITHOUT IT. BOTH YOU AND GOURRY...
Lina (a little excitedly): Yeah?
...GET TO PLAY THE EXTRAS.
Lina, Gourry (facefault): HUH?
AREN'T YOU PLEASED?
Lina: And just *WHY* would I be pleased by playing an EXTRA??!!!
WELL, BASICALLY YOU GET TO PLAY YOURSELF, YOU KNOW...
Lina
(thoroughly
annoyed): O-kay! If *that's* the way you want to play it...(she
begins to chant the Dragu Slave.)
Gourry:
Lina!
...AS YOU WERE SOME YEARS AGO.
A sudden flash of light envelops both Gourry and Lina. It fades a few moments later to reveal Lina and Gourry both looking much as they had before, with the most notable change being...
Lina:
WHAT THE HECK AM I WEARING???
Gourry:
Hey, Lina, I never knew you were a barmaid.
Zelgadis
(snickering):
Nice pigtails.
Lina:
*@$&^!!!
Zelgadis:
Gourry, is that a school uniform you're wearing?
Lina:
Never mind that...(she stoops in to get a better look, her eyes suddenly
widening)...GOURRY! Is that an EDO ACADEMY UNIFORM???
Zelgadis
(shocked):
WHAT?
Gourry:
Well, yeah, of course it is.
Zelgadis:
YOU went to the EDO ACADEMY?!?
Lina
(muttering):
You went to school?
Gourry:
Of course I did. Why, what's so special about it?
Lina and Zelgadis both hit the ground. Quickly recovering, Lina jumps up and grabs ahold of Gourry's collar:
Lina:
YOU IDIOT - it just *happens* to be one of the oldest, most respected,
prestigious, WELL-KNOWN academies in the WORLD -
Zelgadis:
Not to mention one of the most difficult to get into -
Lina,
Zelgadis: - HOW did you get IN?
Gourry:
Really? Funny, I thought the entrance exams were all pretty easy...
Zelgadis
(groaning):
Please, enough already!
Lina:
Hey, Zel, why haven't you changed?
Zelgadis:
How should I know?
THE PERKS OF BEING THE LEAD CHARACTER. NOW IF YOU'RE ALL DONE ADMIRING YOURSELVES...
Lina: *twitch*
...WE WILL CONTINUE WITH THE CASTING. IN THE ROLE OF THE OLD HAG -
Lina: HEY MISS NARRATOR!
(a little testy) WHAT IS IT THIS TIME, LINA?
Lina: Look, this has all been well and fun - not - but don't you think it's time to drop the act?
...WHAT ACT WOULD THAT BE?
Lina: Oh, PLEASE! I *KNOW* who you are! And frankly, I'm getting really tired of this stupidity.
OH REALLY? AND PRAY TELL, WHO DO YOU THINK I AM?
Lina
(really
angry): OH KNOCK IT OFF, XELLOS, YOU THIRD RATE FRUIT CAKE! WHO
THE HELL ELSE WOULD PULL SUCH A RIDICULOUS STUNT -
Xellos:
Why, Lina! I never knew you cared!
Lina:
HUH!!!
Lina stares at the so-called mysterious priest, who is now smiling pleasantly not two steps away. Gourry and Zelgadis also look on in surprise. Lina quickly shoots a glance up at the sky, then back at Xellos.
Lina:
Um...Xellos? How long have you been standing there?
Xellos:
That's a -
Zelgadis
(quickly
clapping a hand over Xel's mouth): Don't you DARE say it!
WELL, LINA...YOU WERE SAYING?
Lina: Uh, never mind.
GOOD. KEEP IT THAT WAY.
Lina:
Xellos...why are you here?
Xellos:
Don't you know? I get to be -
Zelgadis:
OH NO...
YES, THE MYSTERIOUS SORCEROUS OLD HAG. GOOD JOB, ZELGADIS.
Zelgadis:
It never fails.
Xellos:
It's because I look better in a dress than you do, Zelgadis.
Zelgadis:
And why the hell would I care about that, you -
ZIP IT, YOU TWO. THERE WILL BE NO CROSS-DRESSING IN THIS FAIRY TALE. AT LEAST, NOT YET.
Zelgadis, Xellos: Yeah, whatever.
ALRIGHTY, THEN. ROUNDING OFF THE LIST OF EXTRAS, WE HAVE -
Lina: WHAT? You mean to tell me that Gourry and I aren't the ONLY extras in this farce?
WELL GEEZ, LINA, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'RE A GREAT ACTRESS OR ANYTHING.
Lina:
WHY YOU -
Gourry:
Lina! Don't provoke her anymore!
AND THE
EXTRAS ARE:
AN ECLECTIC
MIX OF SLAYERS SUPPORTING CAST SELECTED FOR THEIR ABILITY TO BRING BALANCE
AND DEPTH TO THE LEAD CHARACTERS...
Lina: And just what does THAT mean?
ANYONE WILLING TO WORK FOR SCALE.
Lina:
Geez...what the heck kind of production is this, anyway?
Gourry:
A whole lot shorter if you'd just be quiet.
