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9/08/2002:
Crowns Explode, Lazy Reporters Attack
One can't listen to the news or open an Arizona newspaper without being bombarded with the 'fact' that Ford's Crown Victoria model police cruiser, after a gentle bump from behind, explodes into flames . However, dear readers, for those of you old enough to remember the 1960's Ford Pinto exploding gas tank tragedies, this is not even remotely the same situation. Phoenix police protect Crown Victoria from car-jackers! I have closely examined an article from the July 14th, 2002 Arizona Republic that displays the photos of twelve officers who perished due to a rear-end collision with the Crown Victoria's they were assigned to. I discovered that out of the twelve incidents listed, eight of them did not reveal the speed of the collision. Do you imagine that the collision speeds were not printed because they were not known, or to prove his point (that the Crown-Vic's are unsafe vehicles) that the author left out the velocities because they were above 70 or 80 or 90 miles per hour? Of those eight fatal rear-end accidents, one detailed how the officer met his demise when the Crown Victoria, which he was standing outside of, was propelled over him due to a vehicle colliding with the rear of his empty cruiser. And yet another fatality involved a volunteer officer who was 73 years old perishing in a fiery crash. Did he die from the force of the collision or from the flames? Of the four incidents remaining where the collision speeds were revealed, one concerned a "tractor trailer" traveling at 55MPH. A fully loaded 16-wheeler can weigh anywhere from 37,000 to 52,910 pounds. That is the equivalent tonnage of from nine to thirteen passenger cars or SUV's. Being rear-ended by a loaded tractor trailer would be equivalent to being slammed from behind by a Stingray II light tank! Stingray II light tank @ 44,000lbs Another incident involved a "motorist" traveling at 66MPH. Another involved an officer who was driving 76MPH (31MPH over the speed limit - a reckless driving citation for you and me) and was bumped into a light pole and a 2,080 volt electrical transformer. And the last fiery fatality occurred where an officer was parked and then rear-ended by a "drunken driver" screaming along at 100MPH!

As a teenager around 1968, I purchased my first car, a sturdy, flathead six powered, three-on-the-tree, 1950 Desoto. The automobile was older than me and I paid $100 cash for it. After adding seat-belts I had transportation that, without power steering, power brakes, power windows, automatic transmission, air conditioning, tinted windows, stereo eight-track cassette player, radial tires, air bags, side collision bars or a GPS system would still get me to school, allow me to earn some spending money by delivering pizza and had more than enough room for a combination wrestling match and double-date at the Northern Drive-in with my best buddy Harry and his current whore. 1950 Desoto And I maintain this Desoto was as safe or safer than most cars costing over 300 times as much today. Three hundred times as much!
Nowadays that inflated equivalent of my 1968 one hundred dollars wouldn't even provide a teenager's down payment on any new vehicle. Why? Because our government and well meaning moronic power-hungry Big Brother 'advisory groups' (who are dismissive of the fact that effective driver training could eliminate 80% of all accidents and that by conscientious use of the seat-belt shoulder harness combination 80% of all deaths and serious injuries could be avoided and that by stowing drunk drivers behind bars, the vertical metal ones, - where they cannot possibly drive a vehicle - would solve most of our vehicular challenges) continue to demand Detroit build vehicles so safe that driver's can survive a rear-end collision with another vehicle of any size rocketing along at speeds approaching 8,800 feet per minute. It's people like these that make it impossible for today's young person or couple to purchase an affordable street-legal showroom new vehicle because Detroit has provided the government mandated 21st Century car that is so safe it is too expensive to purchase, too expensive to insure and too expensive to repair. (As an access control officer, I see quite a few cars each day in which the steering-wheel-mounted air bag has been expended and the owner, unable to afford the cost of repair, has simply duct-taped over the center of the steering wheel cover.) The current brouhaha over the Crown Victoria's reminds me of the last time Ford Motor Company was burned at the stake. That being the Explorer / Firestone OEM tire caused roll-overs and deaths. Crashes and deaths that I believe could have been largely avoided by driver's conscientiously checking their tire pressures (and by happenstance their road rubber) and both pilot and passengers always slapping on their seat belt/shoulder harnesses combination. In that particular case, when the 'powers that be' had decided on a safer replacement tire, statistics quickly revealed that this prospective replacement radial tire, undiscovered by the media, had a higher failure rate than the Ford factory mounted Firestones!

Police Crown Victoria Fatalities
Collision Vehicle Speed Other

"college student" speed not revealed ---

"driver" " ---

"drunken driver" " ---

"drunken driver" " officer outside
of vehicle

"dump truck" !!! " ---

"tractor trailer" " ---

"trucker" " ---

"van" " ---

"tractor trailer" 55 mph ---

"motorist" 66 mph ---

"pole & transformer" <76 mph 31 mph over limit

"drunken driver" 100 mph ---

8/24/2002:
A.C.L.U. Defends ASU Sodomy

Shane's World #29 "They went to one of the rowdiest colleges to see how wild they really were. As soon as Team 1 pulled up to frat row, they knew they had met their match. This video has more #########, hand #### and crazy antics than any of their other scavenger hunts! When the teams weren�t out tearing up the town, they were ####### each other�s brains out. So, tap the keg and get ready- these girls are out of control!!!"

So reads the advertisement for Shane's World #29 filmed in and around Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona, and featuring dozens of ASU enrolled gents and four female porn stars. Of course, a Ms. Eisenburg of the A.C.L.U. (Anarchists, Commies and Liberals Union) defender of all that is unwholesome and corrupt (have you ever heard of them defending any Pro-Life group?) immediately leapt into bed with the terminally turgid males of ASU mouthing, ". . . I'm not sure one person's morality should be imposed on everyone." I'm left wondering whose morality she believes should be imposed? Hitler's? Larry Flynt's? Rick Chance's? Fortunately for my readers your Mr. Wonderful is thoroughly familiar with the "Shane's World" series of porno movies . . . because of my research, yes my research, for the . . . U.N. Council on Pornography. Yes, that was it. The United Nations Council on Pornography. In any case my investigations discovered that the only sexual acts left out of these movies is incest and beastiality. Although sometimes the male participants seem to be endowed as if they were indeed beasts. And like all hard-core pornography, I don't believe a squad of Iraqi soldiers, armed with cattle prods and KY jelly could abuse a downed U.S. Air Force fly-girl in a more degrading manner. There is absolutely nothing in these productions that the Founding Fathers ever meant to protect under the United States Constitution. These films are absolute filth and to have them in any way associated with A.S.U. is a damn shame for the 100 or so students currently there to actually matriculate and the thousands of Alumni still recovering from Mill Avenue induced alcoholism. Not to speak of fools like myself who never attended any university but yet paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in property taxes. Taxes of which 85% went to fund higher education in the aptly named, Grand Canyon State. 03/11/2002:
Politically Correct Arizona
Memories from the 1960s
On Monday, March 4th, at 7:00PM, our public broadcasting affiliate KAET, presented "Arizona Memories from the '60s." Of course, of course, they did not interview your Mr. Wonderful or any one the thousands of Arizonan's I or my wife personally knew. (Well, they did interview John Shadegg.) That, in itself, when recalling Arizona history, should always be of concern to anyone actually interested in Arizona history. Understand that my wife was born in Morristown, Arizona in the 50s and I born in Phoenix in the 50s and neither one of us have ever lived anywhere but Arizona, so why weren't we included? Having been left out was really no surprise to your Mr. Wonderful, but, I was coughing up my sunflower seeds when they interviewed some woman who moved here during the 60s! MW & Brother with backyard '60s fort Granted, I aged from nine years to nineteen years over that decade, so I wasn't the keen observer you read today, but neither was I in a dope induced haze either. Or was I? When I saw the huge proportions of time allotted to the 'racial strife' among (then) Mexicans and Negroes, I threw my lava lamp at the television! Hell, unless you were a Mexican activist (aka, someone figuring out a way to make money from 'discrimination' claims) or a part of the 200 Black rioters that erupted out of the less than 3% of Phoenix's Negro population, these things were just a minor blip in Arizona history. The barber's strike, when union thugs blew up a couple of 'scab' barber shops made more news. If they wanted to bring back some bad memories, why didn't they dwell on the sky-rocketing illegal drug problem or the new epidemic of high school aged girls getting pregnant? And, why did they leave out the man who I used to babysit for, the man who discovered Wayne Newton, "Leeeeeeeeeeeew King!" ? I could have missed it, but was there anything about Phoenix school children actually leaving campus at noon and being marched home by teachers in preparation for a imminent nuclear war with Cuba? Where was the mention of the Air Force caused sonic-booms which raised havoc and shattered windows in the newly bursting Del Webb Sun City development? Other things the P.C. crowd left out: model rockets, cheap golf, tree houses, Nelson's pool, assembling plastic models, 'camping out' in your backyard under a clear sky packed with millions stars trying to locate man made satellites, drive-in movies, pizza delivery jobs and Vince Furnier (Alice Cooper) making fun of me as I walked down the hallways at Cortez High School. While this special did include some good memories, it did spend way too much time on things only a minority of Arizonans witnessed and thereby negatively skewed the view of anyone new to the Grand Canyon State. You want to know Arizona history? Talk to Mr. Wonderful.
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