Dear Diary, 1-10-97
You know how you have that pit in your stomach? That feeling where you have a secret, but it kind of isn't a secret, only enough to where it might hurt someone; and you blurt it to that someone, and that secret kind of had to relate with that person; but you also ruin that one something that they wanted for themself? I know it's confusing, but I am the most confused, but not because of what happened. I don't know why I'm confused, that is why I am confused.Anyway, that's how I felt when I told Taylor about Jeff, my boyfriend. I mean, we were just walking and talking earlier this afternoon. Out of the blue, he takes my hand and holds it in his. That's when I blow it. His holding my hand totally gave it away. I automatically thought he liked me. But then I just told him about Jeff, and blew it. And to top it off, him and Jeff are good friends...Why me?"
I thought about calling Jeff, but then I thought against it, and then I wasn't in the mood to talk to him. I wanted to call Jen, but I also thought, Nah, I'll see her tomorrow in school.
I figured, Well, if Tay likes me...wait a second. Does he like me?"
Why am I jumping to conclusions so fast? I thought, and observed his actions. Sudden shyness, although he has always been shy, more blushing, but that is natural to him, and hand-holding! Plus, the disappointment on his face when he found out about Jeff. Oh, gosh, he probably does like me, doesn't he? I guess maybe I was right. Damn...
Well, I can't help if I have a boyfriend who's friend is my best friend. And if Taylor doesn't like that, he's just going to have to accept the fact that he can't have what he wants right now. Great, there I go, jumping to conclusions again. Will it ever stop?
I went to close the shades on my window, when I spotted Ike. I mouthed to him, "Where's Tay?"
He disappeared, then came back and brought Taylor with him to the window. I put a pretend phone to my ear.
"Sup Cat, you there?" he asked through his walkie-talkie, transferring to mine.
"Yup. You there Dawg?" I asked back.
"Yo yo, sup sup." he greeted. Our usual ghetto greetings.
"I just wanted to say good-night." I said, in a regular voice.
I heard some "awww"'s in the background. "Shut up!" I yelled to them, and giggled.
"See you later." Tay said, and threw his walkie-talkie down, turning away from my glance.
I stood there in dismay as their lights went out. I put down my shade, turned out the lights, turned on my CD player to play soft Beethoven music, helping me fall asleep.
"Jenny!" I cried to my friend, Jen, as I saw her walking down the halls. She hates being called Jenny, and I quote, "It's too baby."
"KimBee!" she cried back. I hate that name, and I quote myself, "Too many Spelling Bee memories."
"What did you do to your hair?" I asked, tossing it around.
"I high-lighted blonde streaks in it." she said.
"Oh, man, it looks so...yeah."
"Are you still on that 'yeah, um yeah' kick?"
"Um, yeah!" I said, to annoy her, giggling.
She just shook her head and smiled. "So, how are you and Jeff?"
"Jeff and I...I think we're starting to get more serious. It's not like, "Oh, hello," a kiss, then "Come over later, bye." type of thing; more like a, "C'mon, let's go further." type of thing."
"Woah, how far have you gone with him?"
"Well, I mean, not exactly "C'mon let's go further," but almost near there."
"Hmmm."
"The Hanson's came back yesterday." I spoke up, and we walked towards first period.
"Really, how are they?" she clutched her books.
"Antsy, but kind of exhausted, in a way." I said, drifting off in my own world.
"Kim? Kim? Hello, where are you? Are you okay? What's wrong?"
I thought. "Well, they're all doing great. Then Tay and I go for a walk, and as we're talking, he takes my hand, and I tell him I'm with Jeff, and...he just practically ignores me for the rest of the afternoon." I explained.
"Oh, a broken heart." she concluded.
"What do you mean?" I asked, curious.
"Well, it's obvious he liked you, and now, he hasn't a chance. Because, you do know, that you are with Jeff and all." she pointed out.
"Maybe he does." I muttered, looking away from her.
"Excuse me?" Jen asked.
I dragged Jen into the bathroom. "Jen, promise not to tell?" I asked.
"Promise."
"I kind of like Taylor." I whispered.
"But you're with Jeff."
"I know, it's kind of hard, I mean, I really, really like Jeff, but a piece of me like Taylor also. I mean, he's changed a lot, you know?"
"Yeah, Kim, it's called puberty."
"Jen, you idiot, I mean he's so much more sincere and mature."
"Yeah, well, I don't know what to tell you." We left the bathroom for homeroom.
One of the stalls opened, and a girl with dark brown hair that fell past her shoulders, wearing a pink top and tight mid-calf skirt with thick heeled shoes stepped out and tsked. "Well, well, well. Won't Jeff be happy about this." she asked herself. Naomi was her name. She looked into the bathroom mirror, and flipped her hair. "Looks like you've got a mission, Naomi." she told her reflection.
As days turned into weeks, February rolled around and the Hanson's were off again to film a viewing of the "Jenny McCarthey" show, and a music video on their song, "MMMBop," in Los Angeles.
Pretty soon, March came around, and before I knew it, my fourteenth time around the sun came. Taylor and I had a party at his house, the one we annually host because of our simultaneous birthdays, and one of which Taylor managed to squeeze two dances with me. One was for the "Birthday Spotlight," where the birthday person chooses someone to dance with him/her alone, but since it was our birthday, it was just us. The other one was a dance for fun, where Taylor and I were being a teeny bit friendly, and I was glad that Jeff wasn't jealous.
Finally, after the longest day of my life, all of the report cards were handed out, excitement filled the air, and I finally graduated from our little middle school.
As for the Hanson's, their year just began. After their Paramus appearance, Regis and Kathie Lee, Today Show, David Letterman, and who knows how many MTV gigs, press conferences and interviews, they had a lot to look forward to.
I could see it and feel it that this was going to be one summer that won't be forgotten. Changes were everywhere, a lot were being thrown in my face, yet still, who knew? One word can only describe what happened: Taylor.