"Yo Nick, what you up to?"
Nick Carter, my best friend in the world, turned around and smiled at me, after hearing me calling him. I had just entered the Entertainment Room of the tourbus, where I knew Nick would be.
"Hey Rach, I'm just trying to get through to my brother. He's back home... but the lines are busy. That's what happens when you have three sisters." Nick answered, stereotypically.
"Are you saying that girls are the only ones who use the telephone?" I asked back. I always had to pick a fight with him.
"No... but the line's been busy for the past three hours. It's obviously BJ or Leslie... or Angel." he continued, naming off his sisters.
"I miss those girls." I changed the subject.
"You think I don't?" Nick asked me, "It's been like five months since I've seen them. I haven't seen my dad, either." he said a little sadly.
"I know, Nick. I'm sorry." I told him, not sure of why I was appogizing.
"Why are you sorry? You're out on the road, too, with us." he smiled.
"Yeah... but I don't have a family like you. My mom was happy to ship me off, get me out of her hands. My brothers don't miss me, either. I love being away from home." I told him.
He frowned sadly, knowing I was lying to him. He knew I missed my family alot and hated how they pretended not to care about me. Nick knows everything about me.
"You know your mom didn't want you to come on tour with me. She doesn't even like me. But you're 18, you had the choice. Your brothers didn't want you to leave for the whole summer, either." Nick told me, truthfully.
"Whatever. I don't care about them. I'm glad I'm out here with you, Nicky. I don't know where I'd be without you." I told him, smiling.
"You'd be back home in Tampa, having a normal life. Instead you're touring with me. You have a crazy, chaotic life, now. I'm sorry for messing up your life." Nick confessed to me.
"What? You never messed up my life. You know I wanted to come out on tour with you guys. You know I wanted to be with you." I told him, lowering my voice.
"What'd you just say?" he asked.
"I said... I wanted to be able to hang out with you more." I changed my words around, making them seem different. But Nick knew.
"That ain't what you said. What'd you say?" he asked me again.
"I... nevermind." I finished.
"Did you say you wanted to be with me?" he asked, shocked.
"I..." I began. I wanted to say no. But I said it, and I knew I wanted to be with him, more than best friends. "Yeah... I said it, Nick. I said I want to be with you."
"Like, how?" he wanted to know.
"Don't be stupid, Nick. You know what I mean. I mean, like, more than friends." I replied. "I'm 18 now... you're only 21. You don't have a girlfriend... and suddenly I feel all these emotions I've never really felt before. I go crazy when we're not together." I confessed my true feelings.
He looked so shocked, like he never expected that. I guess I hadn't made it obvious. "Tell me you're joking..." the words left his mouth quickly, before he could stop himself. He didn't mean it that way.
"Nick, no... I'm serious. A few months ago, when you were gone on tour, and I had to settle for a few phone calls a day... that was torture. I just wanted to see you and be with you. I just wanted to hug you and hold you." I told him.
"This is a little, weird, Rach. You're my best friend. I would never have thought you felt this way." he admitted.
"Well I do. I'm sorry, but I do. I love you... and not just like my best friend anymore. I really love you. I'm in love with you." I answered.
"C'mon, Rach, slow down. Where'd this come from?" he asked, still shocked.
"It's coming from in here..." I mumbled, placing my right hand over my heart. "I just feel it. I have an urge to just kiss you... it's like taking over my body." I continued.
"I could never kiss you." he stated, but again his words came out wrong. "I mean, it'd be like... kissing my little sister. You mean the world to me, Rach, but not in that way. I'm sorry." he told me straight out.
"Nick, please, don't say that. Give me a chance. I don't want to be your little sister. I want to be more than that." I pleaded.
Nick didn't know what to say. Still in shock of the situation, he looked away, trying to think of something, anything, to say to me.
"Rachel... you know... uh... I've known you since you were just five. You and your mom moved in across the street from my family in Tampa. I was 8... BJ was 6... Leslie was 2 and the twins were just babies. I remember our parents thought you and BJ would become best friends. But... you two didn't get along." Nick let out a laugh, recalling our early days together.
"I know... it was me and you who became best friends. We did everything together. I remember you sung to me in your back yard. You stood up on a tree stump and I sat in the grass with stuffed animals. You serenaded me with all your mom's favorite oldies song. You remember that, Nick?" I asked, feeling the tears swelling in my eyes.
He nodded, opened his mouth to speak... but nothing came out. He was speechless. He wished they could go back to their days in Tampa. When they were young and free and full of dreams. Now all of his dreams were coming true, and mine weren't. I always wanted to be a marine biologist. Always. I had a fasination with water, much like Nick and his siblings do. But I finished school last year and didn't carry on to anything else. I didn't really have the money to pay for College, let alone University. And although Nick offered to pay for my tuition, I refused to let him. So I didn't go. Now it's June, summer, finally. And I'm travelling the world with the Backstreet Boys, on the second leg of their Black and Blue tour.
"I remember." he said plainly. "You were the only kid in school who didn't tease me because I often missed school or left school early for my voice lessons. The other kids were jealous that I missed so much school. But not you. You understood everything. You knew my passion for singing." he said, a smiling forming on his lips.
"You still have a passion for singing. It'll never go away, it's too strong." I told him. "But now my love for you is too strong... and I can't hold it in anymore. I wanted you to know how I really feel." I finished, feeling the tear slowly falling down my cheeks.
Nick hated seeing me cry. It killed him. Especially since he knew it was his fault. "Now I know how you really feel." he repeated. "What do you want me to do?" His question seemed sharp, like he was upset at me.
"Nick, please... don't get mad. I just want to know you feel the same." she said.
"What? How can you expect me to just suddenly have those kinds of feelings for you? Right now I still see you as little Rachey, the girl who was always happy, never shed a tear. The girl who always said 'Next time, Nick' when I didn't get a part I was hoping for. The girl who was always behind me, 110%, even when everyone else wasn't. I loved that little girl." he said strongly, looking deep into my eyes. He wasn't going to break down, not this time.
"Don't you love me now?" I asked him, wiping the tears away, as more poured down my face. "Please, Nick, tell me you love me... like I love you." I whined, not looking away from him.
His eyes tore away from mine, and I watched him look around the crowded tourbus. We were in the back, in the Entertainment Room of the bus. We were alone. The other guys were either sleeping or doing something else, I didn't care. All I cared about was hearing Nick say those three words to me.
"You know I love you, Rach. But not the way you want me to." he finished, glancing at my face, but looked away quickly.
He didn't want to see the pain in my eyes, that he knew was there. He didn't want to see me crying, since he knew was because of him. He didn't want to believe he broke my heart, even though he knew he did.
After thinking about whether or not he should wait for me to say something, he decided to just leave, and let me be alone. He knew that was best. Plus, he didn't want to make me hurt anymore. So, with that said, he just stood up and left the room, closing the door behind him.
Waiting til I knew he was gone, I fell onto the couch and let out a faint scream. My worst nightmare had come true. I'd finally confessed my true emotions to him, and he rejected me. As I covered my face in the pillows, and cried harder than I ever thought I could. I felt like dying, like there was no more reason for me to be alive.
