Nick was in a dressing room, growing nervous. He was about to do yet another show together with the guys and his nerves were all in knots. It was an unusual feeling since he rarely was nervous while doing a concert. Not at all like the way he had been when he was younger. Back then he was often totally sick to his stomach.
"Okay guys are you ready?" Kevin asked as he stretched his legs, preparing to go onstage.
"Yes!" They all agreed, all but Nick.
"Hold on," he interrupted the guys as they were about to hit the stage. "We havenīt done our 'good luck ritual' yet. All the guys stared at him. As long as Nick could remember they had done that ritual. Standing together in a circle, holding hands, praying for good luck. There had never been a time when they left that out. It would be bad luck.
"That one is old. We donīt do it anymore," Brian explained.
Surprised over hearing this Nick argued, "No, we always do the ritual. If we donīt do it something bad will happen!"
"Something bad has already happened," Brian said, giving away no further explanation.
"That's crap," AJ said as he raised a glass of whiskey to his mouth. "We donīt need that mumbo jumbo."
"That is NOT Mumbo Jumbo, it's.."
Nick stopped, "Youīre drinking?"
"So? Why shouldnīt I?" AJ sounded surprised.
"But..but youīre sober." All he got back was a laughter.
"Not any longer he ainīt," Howie sighed as he turned off his cellphone. "I really donīt have time for this stuff anylonger."
"Donīt have time? Come on, this is our life. This is what we always wanted. What's the matter with you guys?" He got no reply, instead Kevin barked.
"Arenīt you ready yet. God, Nick, you are starting to slip like Howie."
"Howie slipping? That's something new." 'What is this, have I died and gone to hell?' Nick thought startled.
"Yes he is only paying attention to his business deals, didnīt you know?" Brian filled in.
"God Nick, where have you been? To hell? And back?" Aj laughed again. 'Was Bone a mind reader?'
"Hurry up now. I really donīt have time for this crap!" Kevin sounded irritated.
"Me neither." Brian sighed, "I rather be home with Leigh and my son.."
"Son? You have kids Brian?" Nick asked.
"Yeah, donīt you remember? Brian laughed.
"Are you guys coming or NOT?" Now Kevin was really irritated and the four of them followed him out on stage. There were screams as they entered the stage. Fans were crowding the place. They were everywhere and they all yelled and held up signs for everybody but not for Nick.
Shrugging it off, he stood on the stage, the stage lights were shining into his eyes making it hot and stuffy. Trying hard to focus on the audience he finally gave up and instead opened his mouth to sing. Nick was met with his worst fear. He couldnīt sing at all. There was no sound. Shocked over the discovery he tried to reach out to his friends. Give them a signal that something wasn't right with him. To his fear he noticed that they didnīt see him at all. No matter how he waved they acted like he was invisible. That he was thin air.
He heard Brian utter, "We're so sorry to tell you all that our little brother Nick passed away last night. He was sick with cancer. He wanted us to do to show and not to disappoint you guys and he also wants you to know that he loves you with all his heart."
"NOOOOOOOOO, Brian!" Nick screamed. He was making a mistake. "I'm not dead!" he shouted. But no one could hear him.
With that he woke up, screaming, drenched in a cold sweat. Disoriented, he tried to focus his eyes around the room. When the cobwebs from his brain cleared, he was slowly realizing that it had been another nightmare. He was plagued by them all the time. Sitting up in bed he noticed that the sheets were all tangled up, wet from his own persperation. God how he hated waking up like this. Night sweats came with his illness and he was tired of waking up sweaty all the time.
Running his hands through his sweat soaked hair he was actually glad that it had just been a dream. There was no way he was going to give up and turn the dream into reality. He was going to show them all that he could beat this. Beat the cancer.
'I need a shower,' Nick thought as he felt both sweaty and sticky all over his body. Glancing at the green digitals on the bed stand he saw that it was in the middle of the night. More precisely 1:45 am. Wolf hour. It was this time a night that most people died, became ill or had babies.
Shivering, Nick stood up, the famous dizziness hitting him, making him waver. He shook it off and then walked towards his bathroom. It was quiet in the house and ironic Nick thought that it was the first time he had the guys over to spend a night with him that it was silent this time at night.
Stepping into the shower Nick closed his eyes as he let the warm water rinse all over his body. It felt good and he relaxed. Water in all sorts and forms had and calming effect. His thoughts were interrupted by a knocking on the door.
"Nick is that you?" Howie called out softly.
Startled, Nick dropped the soap on the floor. Fuck, couldnīt they leave him alone just so he could shower? He was after all, in his own house.
"Yeah."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah."
" You sure?"
"Yes!" God could Howie stop asking him that?
"Okay, just heard that you were up and I wanted to make sure that there were no problems." He then heard Howie leaving.
"Okay," Nick sighed. He loved his "brothers" but sometimes they acted overly concerned over him. Feeling better, he stepped out of the shower and dried himself off with a towel. The excerise had taxed him out and he had to sit down on the toilet lid since an overhelming of exhaustion suddenly crept up on him.
"God," he said out loud,"Iīm acting like a eighty year old man!" How he hated this. Hated being sick and weak.
After getting dressed in a pair of boxers he went into his room again, just to be met with Howie sitting on his bed. He had changed the sheets and Nick felt annoyed.
"What the hell are you doing in my room, D? In the middle of the night!"
"Um..I..I heard you scream and got concerned and then I saw the door was opened and.."
"Then you changed my sheets," Nick sighed. He couldnīt be irritated at the Latino that sat there with a concerned expression on his face. A sudden smile toyed in his lips, "Man, would you change my sheets if they were wet from something other than sweat too?" he grinned.
"Dude, youīre disgusting." He pretended to be offended, but smiled instead. "Nope, those sheets are all yours. I draw the line at some things."
"Good." Nick moved over to the bed, "Now scoot over."
"Huh?" Howie looked at the blonde, making no further actions.
"So I can lay down," Nick explained tiredly. "Jeeze D'"
"Uh..Iīm sorry," Howie shot up like a rocket.
"Man," Nick laughed, "Iīm not dead or anything I'm just.." The words suddenly stuck in his throat when he saw Howie's terrified look at his face. He stopped in midsentence. Then he laid down, arms under his neck.
Howie stood beside him, wringing his hands from nervousness.
"Dude, you wanna sit down?" Nick said after a while. He couldnīt stand seeing Howie so upset and to tell the truth he didnīt want to be alone either. The nightmare had seemed much too real. The Latino sat down without further words on the side of his bed.
"Do you..do you always sweat like that?" Howie asked, still twisting his hands.
Nick licked his lips. "No..not always. But the chemo as well as the cancer makes my body really messed up sometimes."
"Oh." There was silence again. Then Howie said a bit awkwardly, "Brian and Leigh announced that they were going to have a baby."
Nick lightened up, "Yeah isnīt that the greatest news? They will make great parents." After a brief silence Nick said, "So you got ríd of the reporters?"
"Yes," Howie nodded, shining up a bit. "Kev called security and you should have heard how upset those reporters were." He chuckled at the memory. "They were saying that it was a free country and that they had the right to report everything but then Kevin rose his voice and the went away rather upset."
"Yeah I can imagine, Kevin probably barked at them like he did that time when AJ got me drunk on larger, dark larger back in Germany." Nick grinned.
"Yes, probably about as mad." Howie laughed too. "Yeah he was pretty pissed that time."
"I canīt still smell that beer. It makes me gag." Both men laughed. Nick looked at his friend. Howie was the nicest person that he knew and sometimes he didnīt give the guy credit for being so nice. The darkhaired man often was a victim for endless pranks and jokes from Nick. Yet he always seemed to take it with a grain of salt, never getting really upset. Infact, come to think of it, Nick had almost never seen his friend really emotional. And the fear that he spotted in his friend's eyes scared him. It made him unsure.
"'D," he said seriously after a while.
"Mhm..," Howie was in the process of talking about one of their endless memories on the road. He looked up at the young man.
"Do you think that I'll ever get to tour again?" His voice was filled with pain. The self esteem that he felt so strong, that he would beat the cancer, was suddenly gone and he was filled with doubt and fright.
Howie stopped immediatly and then looked at Nick with false cheerfulness. "Ye..yeah..sure you will. We will all tour after this album."
"Really?"
"Yeah, it will be great. We will put on a new show and the fans will go wild and we will tour all over the world and.." he was talking fast like he was afraid that if he slowed down he would say something that he would regret.
"Howie....Howie," Nick interrupted him when he had talked long enough, "Howie, I donīt think I can do all that." His voice was just a whisper. Tears suddenly burning in his eyes.
"Yes you can. We all can do it. Beat the Millenium record." There was false enthusiaism in his friends voice.
"That isn't what I mean." Suddenly it felt hard to talk again. The words seemed to stick in his throat, making it hard to breathe. "What if I never can be able to perform again. You know how I like singing and dancing and meeting all the fans. I'd die if I never get to feel that feeling again. Feel the rush," Nick sighed. "The way I am most of the time I barely have enough strength to wipe my own ass."
Howie chuckled, the he said, "You look at things a bit dark because you're tired. Try to get some sleep and youīll see that it looks brighter in the morning." He stood up, pretending to yawn. "In fact Iīm pretty beat too."
Nick felt annoyed. Why did the guys skirt around his illness like it didnīt exist. "D'" he said slowly, "Iīm not tired, Iīm sick."
Howie nodded, "More the reason for you to rest."
"NO Howie STOP!" Nick sat up in bed. He felt like screaming. "I donīt have the fucking flu, I have cancer and I might die!" He spat the words out like they burned, studying his friends face.
Howie's always so cheerful expression changed in an instant. He looked at his friend then said in a soft whispering tone, "I know Nick...I know. And I am so terribly sorry." A tear rolled down his face as he bent over and gave his friend a warm hug. " Nicky," he whispered, in the comforting way that only Howie could muster "Everything will be fine, it will be all fine."
Looking up at his friend Nick nodded. He hoped so too, even if he deep down in his heart he somehow sensed that it wouldnīt happen.
