Nick stared at his face in the steamed bathroom mirror. The warm shower revitalized his drained body temporarily, but he knew that this would more than likely only be short lived until mid morning when he would feel so tired he would need a nap to make it through another part of the day.
That’s the way his life was getting to be. He was sleeping in increments during the day, like a baby would need. It seemed to be the only way he could deal with the effects of the cancer and the chemo on his body.
Although he slept practically 12 to 14 hours a day, dark bags hung underneath his cloudy blue eyes. His face looked thin and haggard, his skin had dry patchy spots. Scooping up the assortment of ten different meds that Nick had placed on the bathroom counter, he shoved them into his mouth followed by a generous swallow of water.
“Yep,” he breathed as he gazed into the mirror, “your life definately sucks, Carter.”
Padding his way quietly down the hall, he could smell the remnants of breakfast from a few hours ago still lingering in the air. His mouth started salivating when he thought about the bacon and eggs they must have eaten. Nick decided that he was hungry this morning as he walked slowly down the carpeted stairs, his hand gripping the rail tightly.
“Hey Nick good morning!” Brian called out cheerfully as he laid the newspaper down onto the coffee table. This spurred a round of greetings from the rest of the men that were sitting in the livingroom.
“Morning.”
“How are you feeling this morning?” Kevin questioned.
Nick groaned inwardly. This was exactly what he didn’t want to have to deal with and was part of the reason why he hadn’t shared the news of his cancer with the rest of the group. “Same as usual I guess, too early to tell.”
“Judas, you should, god it’s almost eleven,” AJ joked with a grin that quickly left his face when Brian directed a glare at him. “What? What did I do now?”
Brian only shook his head. “Hey Nick, do you want some breakfast? Leighanne saved some of it for you.”
“Yeah, I think I might try to eat something this morning,” Nick agreed. As he started to walk towards the kitchen, Brian walked alongside him. Nick stopped. “I can get my own, you don’t have to wait on me.”
“Um, well yeah, I know, I, um, I’m going to get a refill on my coffee,” Brian lied.
Nick looked at his friend’s empty hands. “So where’s your cup?”
“Oh, ah, it’s still in the cupboard.”
Nick grinned slightly. “Brian, you’re a horrible liar.”
Redfaced, Brian clamped a hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I know, I know. I just thought you’d like some company.”
“Thanks.”
Brian stepped in front of Nick and started pulling plates out of the fridge, setting them on the counter, never hesitating in his moves, he grabbed a clean plate from the cupboard and situated two pancakes and several strips of bacon and placed them into the microwave, punching the buttons.
“Where’s Leighanne?”
“Gone shopping.”
Nick replied with a laugh then stopped suddenly as Brian pulled a carton of juice from the refrigerator. “Oh, skip the OJ Bri, it hurts my mouth, I’ll just get some milk.”
“Sit right there, I’ve got it,” Brian directed when Nick started to get up from his chair.
“I could have done this myself, but thanks, I appreciate it,” Nick smiled.
“I know you could, and you’re welcome,” he replied as he set the glass of milk in front of Nick along with the jug of maple syrup down, stopping a moment to look at his young friend’s face. “You still do the peanut butter?”
Nick nodded his acknowledgment.
Brian shuddered. “That grosses me out, peanut butter on pancakes drowning in syrup.”
“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.”
Setting the jar of peanut butter in front of Nick, Brian sighed. “I’m doing this under protest but only cause I know you’re hungry.”
The mircowave chirped, indicating that the food was heated and Brian quickly set the breakfast in front of Nick. He pointed at the empty chair opposite of Nick. “Is it okay if I sit down.”
“Don’t be stupid, yeah you can sit and keep me company.”
Brian sat quietly as he watched Nick prepare the pancakes, spreading a generous amount of peanut butter across the pancakes. He shuddered as he watched the process he had witnessed so many times through the years of touring with him.
“That is so gross, but at least it’s protein, so that’s good I guess,” Brian pointed out.
Stuffing a wad of pancakes into his mouth, Nick nodded.
“It’s good seeing you eat.”
Picking up a strip of bacon, Nick shook his head. “Ya know, I thought I’d never live long enough to hear those words come from anyone of you guys.”
Thinking about those words, Brian’s smile faded. “We were mean to you picking on you about your weight all the time.”
Nick’s eyes locked with Brian’s. “Don’t stress over it, life’s too short, forget about it.”
“I know,” Brian said wistfully.
“So what did Lee go shopping for?” Nick questioned, desperate to change the subject.
Brian groaned. “She said she needed to look for more baby things. I swear that woman is obsessed with shopping.”
“I agree,” Nick grinned.
“At the rate she’s going, I’ll be broke by the end of the month, we’re gonna have to start touring again pretty soon or I’ll have to file for bankruptcy.”
Nick quickly piled his silverware ontop of the unfinished pancakes and scooted his chair back on the tiled floor.
“Oh shit, Nick, I’m sorry, I was just joking,” Brian quickly apologized.
“Don’t worry, I’m okay, I’m just done eating,” he reassured.
“Are you sure?” Brian asked questionably. “You barely touched anything on your plate.”
“Positive.”
“I wasn’t thinking when I said touring--”
Nick sighed as he scraped his plate and quickly rinsed it off. “Brian, would you stop it? It’s okay. I’m planning on working again when I can.” Mumbling to himself, he added “if I live long enough.”
“What was that?”
“Nothing,” Nick lied. He turned and leaned against the counter. “I talked to Howie last night.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah,” he sighed. “We talked about the old times together and then touring and I started to wonder if I could ever do that again,” Nick said pensively. “I kinda lost it and bit his head off at first, I hope he didn’t get hurt by it.”
“Nick, I’m sure Howie’s okay. God, what you’re dealing with you have the right to fly off the handle from time to time.”
“I guess I really need to talk to all of them about this, don’t I?”
“You do,” Brian agreed. “But only when you’re ready and only on your terms.”
Nick pushed himself away from the counter. “It’s now or never, I guess.”
Brian followed Nick into the livingroom where the rest of the guys were setting. AJ and Howie were on the couch watching tv while Kevin sat in a brown leather recliner chair, reading a novel.
“Gilligan’s Island? God you guys must really be bored,” Nick joked as he took a seat on the couch.
Howie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, that’s what I get forced to watch when Bone has the remote.”
“Hey, it’s classic television,” AJ defended, laying his prize ontop of the endtable. Howie reached over in front of the man and snatched the controller.
“It’s mine now!” he whooped.
“God no!” AJ rasped, fighting Howie for the device. “There’s no way I’m gonna sit here and watch Wallstreet Week!”
Kevin lowered his book, eyeing the two men that were wrestling on the couch like two teenagers. “Guys,” he growled a low warning.
Nick shook his head, grinning. Kevin was always the parental one of the group. The guys respected him but they also feared him. Although Kevin never showed any violent side to his personality, there was always that chance that it could show up and no one wanted to be on the receiving end of it when it appeared.
Nick’s face suddenly grew serious. “I think we need to talk about what’s going on with me.”
Howie immediately switched the television off, Kevin laid his book down. It was a subject that hadn’t really been openly discussed yet mainly because no one wanted to address it. They all had their own feelings about what was going on with Nick, but kept them inside.
Running the palms of his hands back and forth on the tops of his thighs, Nick sighed nervously. “This is kinda hard to talk about.”
Brian patted Nick on the shoulder. “Just take your time.”
“Well, I guess you probably know that I’ve been sick since we were in Japan, and that doc over there said I had the mumps, but I guess it was the real first time that the cancer symptoms were in full force and I was ignorning them. I told the guy what he wanted to hear I suppose and he ran with that. I was being stupid--”
“You weren’t being stupid Nick,” Howie interrupted.
“I was,” Nick continued. “To be honest with you, this has been going on with me much longer than Japan. I just ignored the warnings that something was wrong. You guys were always saying I was a hypochondriac so I just pushed away a lot of what was going on with me.” Nick paused, looking at the faces of his friends. “But I’m not blaming you,” he quickly added.
AJ cleared his throat before asking hesitantly. “So, what exactly is going on then? Like what are the docs saying?”
“Well, I had tests done after I came back from Cali being at the AMA show with Kevin. I had surgery--”
“You had an operation and no one was told about it?” AJ snapped incrediously.
“It was a scope thing,” Nick explained. “Nothing major. Anyway, they said I had Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, stage 3, high grade. It means I have an eighty-five percent chance of beating this within a five year time frame if my body responds to the chemo and radiation therapy.”
“And it is, right?” Howie questioned.
“Well, yeah and no, they started doing chemo quicker than Dr. Andersen wanted to because the tumor was growing a little faster on the spleen I guess. That explains why I my stomach looks fat. Once it shrinks I guess she wants to take my spleen out. It’s infected.”
“It’s working though, right?” AJ pressed.
Nick managed a tight grin. “I hope so.” He paused again as he took in the expressions of his brothers. AJ and Howie sat on the couch, looking stunned. Brian had already known a little about what was going on with Nick but he was still fighting tears in his eyes. Kevin had a stoic look on his face. He looked unattached from the situation, but Kevin usually had a habit of hiding his feelings. Nick theorized it was because of the cancer and that Kevin could relate to it from his own father. He quickly pasted a broad smile on his face. “It’s going to be okay, let’s just take this one day at a time.”
AJ leaned over towards Nick and wrapped his young brother in a tight hug. “I’m here for you Kaos.”
“Thanks.”
Nick was laying on the couch after taking another one of his daily naps. The guys had told him they were going out to check up on a few friends since they were in the area but Nick knew that wasn’t the truth and he wasn’t going to press them for the answer. He knew they were going to discuss what was going on with the stall in recording with management.
All Nick had asked of the men once he talked to them was to keep the cancer quiet and not to discuss it with anyone. They gave him their word and he trusted them.
Other than feeling drained, today was actually a good day for him. He had been able to eat a little breakfast and he kept it down and the mouth sores weren’t plaguing him like they had. Tomorrow would be another chemo day and Nick dreaded that. He wished all of this was over - one way or the other.
The doorbell chiming pulled Nick from his thoughts.
“Who the hell could that be coming here unannounced?” Nick wondered outloud to himself. He quickly smiled when he decided it was Leighanne coming back from her shopping trip.
He slowly raised his body off the couch. Grinning he started to pulled the door open. “Did you forget your key again?”
His smile dropped from his lips when he was met face to face with the last person on earth he expected to see standing at his front door.
