Nick’s eyes fluttered open. It took a few moments for his eyes to focus as he did his usual inventory of how his body was feeling before his attempt in dragging his body out of bed.
Relieved that the nausea had tapered down to the normal ‘icky’ feeling in his gut, Nick rolled over to his side and was about to toss the covers off his sweat soaked body when he saw Jane Carter sleeping in the chair that was normally in the corner of his room, pushed to the side of the bed.
“Mom?” Nick called out softly. Jane immediately jerked awake and leaned forward in the chair.
“Is something wrong?” she asked sleepily.
“No, I’m fine,” Nick assured. He paused for a moment before he asked, “How come you’re here?”
Jane got out of the chair and sat on the edge of the bed. “Because I wanted to and I felt that you would somehow want me to I guess.”
Nick studied his mother’s face. He thought he saw hurt in her eyes mixed in with the tears that were threatening to fall. He reached out and placed a hand on her leg. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to apologize Nick.”
The tears that were burning in his eyes finally cascaded over. “I should have told you guys sooner, but I was hoping I would get over this before anyone found out about it. I guess I’m stupid that way, but I’m glad you’re here now.”
Tears slipped down Jane’s cheeks and she quickly wiped them away. “I wouldn’t have it any other way Nick. Nothing could have stopped me from coming here.”
Deciding that he had to get up, Nick started to push the covers off his body. Jane instantly jumped up and started helping with the task.
“Mom, I can do this, I don’t need you to help me.”
“No, it’s okay, I want to.”
Nick let out a small groan. “This is one of the reasons why I didn’t tell you this stuff. I really appreciate you wanting to help, but you’ve got to believe me that when I need the help, I’ll ask for it.” After making the statement, Nick stood up and swayed when a wave of dizziness swept over him, causing him to land back down onto the bed. Holding his hand up, Nick sheepishly stated. “Like now.”
Wordlessly, Jane offered her hand for her son to grasp.
“I guess being sick yesterday took a lot out of me.”
She watched as Nick picked up the white box that laid on the night stand.
“What’s that?”
“My tether,” Nick replied.
“I still don’t know what that is,” Jane pressed. “This is all so new to me, you’ll have to explain stuff to me. I want to know.”
“Well,” Nick started, patting the tiny white box. “This here is the thing that’s been making me so sick lately. It’s a chemo pump. See the rubber tube?” Nick looked at his mother before he continued his explanation. Once she nodded slightly, he continued. “The one end is connected to the pump and the other one goes up under my shirt and ends in this port stuck under my collarbone here,” he pulled the neck of his tee shirt aside exposing the top of the port.
Jane took a breath in when she saw the tube jutting out from his skin.
“It’s not as bad as it looks. This is actually a handy thing cause they can draw blood out of here and anything they want to inject into me they just go through this tube,” Nick explained. “I’d love to talk more about me but I need to go use the bathroom or there’s gonna be a mess in a minute.”
Jane walked slowly by Nick’s side, trying her best to keep him from toppling over on his way to the bathroom.
Nick grinned slightly. “Thanks, I can take it from here.”
“Call me if you need me sweetheart,” Jane replied.
“Mom, I’m gonna be okay, go ahead and go get something to eat, I’m gonna try and do what I call a shower.”
“Are you sure you don’t need any help?”
“I got it, okay?”
“Okay.”
Jane sighed and went to the bed and started stripping the sweat soaked bedding off the mattress. Walking out into the hall, she dumped the soiled bedding into the laundry chute and pulled fresh sheets out of the linen closet.
“Good morning.”
Startled, Jane dropped the sheets she was carrying. ”Aaron!”
Aaron bent over and retrieved the scattered sheets on the floor. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
Jane accepted the bundle from her son. “It’s okay, I guess my nerves are shot this morning.”
“How’s Nick?” Aaron quietly asked.
“He’s up and taking a shower.”
Aaron watched his mother unfold the bottom sheet, tucking it into the folds of the waterbed mattress. “I mean, he’s not mad at us is he?”
Jane stopped her task to turn to her young son. “No, honey, he’s not mad. I get the impression he’s happy we’re here.”
Aaron kicked at the deep green carpet. “That’s good I guess.”
“Aaron, don’t do that, you’ll rub a hole into the carpet,” Jane warned.
Nick stopped in the doorway when he saw that Aaron and Jane were in his bedroom. He had left the bathroom with only a towel around his waist. He couldn’t help but notice that when the two of them turned to look at him, their mouths dropped open.
“Yeah... yeah I know, but hey, at least I didn’t get this gut from overeating or from drinking,” he chuckled. “You should have seen me two weeks ago, it’s actually gone down a little bit.”
“But your face is so skinny,” Aaron squeaked and then pointed a finger at Nick’s chest. “What’s that?”
Nick sighed. “A port.”
“A what?”
“Aaron, I’ll explain it to you later, okay? We better leave the room so he can get dressed.”
“I can stay, I’m a guy,” Aaron protested.
“Aaron,” Jane growled.
“It’s okay mom, he can stay,” Nick assured.
“Help me finish making his bed so he can lay back down,” Jane urged, tossing Aaron a pillowcase.
“I’m not going to be laying down right now,” Nick stated as he made his way towards the chest of drawers.
“You’re shivering!”
“That’s because I’m cold, please ma, let me get dressed.”
“Okay, I’m going downstairs, call me--”
“If you need anything,” Nick finished her sentence. “Yes I will mom.”
Sitting on the chair his mother had used for a bed, Aaron watched as Nick pulled drawers open, pulling clothes out and softly shutting them. Grabbing the white box he had called ‘his tether’ Nick slowly made his way to the bed and sat down.
The whole time he was watching his brother, Aaron couldn’t stop staring at Nick’s bloated stomach.
“Is that where the cancer is?”
As he started to unfold his boxers, Nick paused. “Yeah, thats where most of it is, I guess.”
Aaron gasped at the thought. “There’s more?”
“Let me finished getting dressed Squirt and I’ll explain everything to you in a sec.”
“No, it’s okay, I read up about it on the internet after I read a post on the BB Board.”
“Read a post?”
“Yeah, there were some girls that saw you at the hospital with Kevin and they heard stuff and they posted it on the internet. I knew that you were sick before mom and dad said anything.”
“That figures,” Nick sighed.
“Nick?”
“Mmmm?”
“What does that white thing do?”
“It’s a chemo pump,” came the short reply. Nick turned when he heard Aaron sniffling. His eyes locked with Aaron’s tearfilled eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Please don’t die,” he cried.
“I’m not planning on it just yet kiddo,” Nick smiled through his own tears.
“Hey Nick,” Brian called out as he set the breakfast table. “Your mother insisted on making breakfast.”
“Feeling better honey?” Jane asked as she flipped a pancake on the griddle.
Nick rolled his eyes and grunted. “Yeah.”
“Hey, you’re getting a little low on the Novatrone and your Zofran. I noticed that yesterday,” Brian pointed out as Nick opened the cupboard that held all of his medications.
Aaron’s eyes grew wide when he saw the number of brown prescription bottles that filled the bottom shelf. He watched as Nick pulled down one bottle after another, spilling out pills onto the countertop.
Jane sadly shook her head as she listened to the causual conversation Brian was making with Nick about the cancer medications, calling them by name. She kept herself preoccupied with the pancakes, not turning around.
“Did you want me to get your Lidocane?” Brian offered.
“Nah, it’s okay, I doubt I can eat much today,” Nick replied quietly.
“Honey, is your stomach still upset?”
Nick chuckled sarcastically. “It’s always upset.”
Jane Carter sighed. “There is so much I don’t know.”
“Ma, it’s okay, don’t worry so much okay? I got this handled pretty well I think,” Nick said in a soothing voice.
Sitting down at the table across from Aaron, Nick plunked his pile of morning meds ontop of the brown placemat.
“You take all of those?” Aaron asked incrediously.
“Yeah, three times a day and five more new ones at bedtime,” Nick sighed.
Jane watched as Nick scooped up the handful of fourteen pills and tossed them into his mouth, taking a generous swallow of water to wash them down.
“Wow, I can’t believe you can do that, I have a hard enough time swallowing one pill,” Aaron admitted.
“I used to be that way too Squirt, but I would be sitting here all morning long if I swallowed one pill at a time.”
Setting a plate piled with pancakes and sausage in front of Nick, Jane tried not to look at Nick’s balding scalp.
“Mom, there’s no way I can eat all of this,” Nick apologized.
“You can’t get better if you don’t eat,” Jane theorized. “Besides, you used to love my pancakes.”
The memories of his mom’s fluffy buttermilk pancakes drenched in maple syrup flooded Nick’s mind. The thought made his mouth water. With a fork, he cut a path into the golden brown cake and carefully stuffed it into his mouth, praying the mouth sores wouldn’t protest.
The pleasant look on Nick’s face quickly washed away and was replaced with a scowl as he spat the food into his napkin. The medications he was on to fight his cancer was starting to show up in a new form, taunting him. The sweet pancakes tasted like they were made with a gallon of salt and vinegar.
Reaching out for the glass of water to rinse the foul taste from his mouth, Nick accidentally knocked Aaron’s glass of milk over.
“God, I’m sorry,” Nick cried out.
Brian came to the rescue, a wad of paper towels in his hand. “It’s okay, just calm down, I’ll take care of it.”
“The milk spilled on your plate, let me fix you another one,” Jane offered as she took Nick’s plate away.
“It’s okay, I’m not hungry Mom,” Nick apologized as he watched Brian soak up the spilled milk on the table.
“But you barely touched your plate!”
“And he spit out what he did eat,” Aaron advised only to be met by a scowl from his brother. “Well you did.”
“Is that true?”
Scooting his chair back, Nick placed the napkin aside. “Yeah, but there wasn’t anything wrong with what you made, it’s just me.” Thinking about the foul taste once again, Nick’s stomach started churning.
“Oh honey,” Jane sighed.
“Bri, what time is my appointment today?”
“Ten.”
“What’s the appointment for?” Aaron questioned.
“To get this damn tether off. I can’t wait to feel a little normal again. Well that and not be sick 24/7.”
“Can me and mom go with you?”
Nick sighed. “No, it’s not a good idea.”
A puzzled look crossed Jane’s face. “Why not? Is there more to this that I don’t know about?”
“No, it’s not that, it’s just boring and long and stuff,” Nick replied, it was evident that he was searching for words when he answered his mother.
“My labor with you was long and boring, I’m sure going to your doctors office won’t be an inconvience to me.”
“No, please, you have to understand that I just don’t want to share this with you guys just yet. It’s a depressing place to be at.”
“Nick, please don’t shut me out,” Jane pleaded.
“I’m not, mom, you have to understand I just can’t do this today, alright?”
“I know you’re not in any shape to be driving, who’s taking you?” Jane pressed.
“Brian usually does, Bri or Kevin but I think it’s gonna be Brian this morning, right?”
“Yep. I have to make sure Nick does what he’s told,” Brian grinned, trying to lighten up the situation. Nick returned his grin with a glare.
“Nick, you’re following your doctors orders, aren’t you?”
Rolling his eyes, Nick let out an exasperated sigh. “Yeah.. yeah. See, this is why you have to stay here today. If I had my choice, I’d go by myself but I doubt I could handle the drive past the first corner.”
Jane could only stare at Nick’s face. She could see the exhaustion in his eyes, the sweat from fever on his forehead. Her heart ached as she looked at Nick. She wanted so desperately to help her son but the stubborn soul that Nick Carter was wouldn’t allow help near him; even from his own flesh and blood.
“Hey Nick, how’s it goin’ ?” AJ grinned as he stepped past Nick towards the kitchen table.
“Breakfast was an hour ago,” Brian huffed as he sat down at the table.
AJ sniffed the air. “Not according to my nose it ain’t.”
“Did we miss breakfast?” Howie asked quietly as he entered the kitchen.
Leaning against the counted, Nick shook his head. “For the love of God,” he muttered.
“What?” AJ asked, mouthful of pancakes.
“I’m gonna wait in my room, come get me when it’s time to go,” Nick announced as he started towards living room. The smell of breakfast was starting to make his stomach do flip flops and he decided he had better leave or he would get sick again and start another series of dry heaving. He doubted that his sore stomach could take much more.
Aaron watched sadly as his brother left the kitchen. “Nick didn’t eat anything.” He looked at the untouched plate of food that sat on the counter. “That’s not like him.”
“Aaron, hey, he’s been really sick this week throwing up---”
“God, I’m eating here, do you have to talk about puke?” AJ interrupted Brian, spraying pancake crumbs.
“Oh god, did you have to say puke?” Howie exclaimed, shoving his plate away. “That does it for me.”
Brian rolled his eyes before he started speaking to Aaron again. “As I was trying to explain. The chemo makes Nick sick and I’m sure his stomach isn’t quite ready to take on a meal just yet. Give him some time, hopefully he’ll be feeling better soon since he will be having a week off from his chemo.” “I hope so,” Aaron squeaked.
Kevin trudged into the kitchen, reaching out and scruffing Aaron’s hair by the top of his head. “Hey kiddo, did you sleep well last night?”
“Yeah I guesso.”
Detecting a somber mood, Kevin bowed down to meet Aaron face to face. “What’s wrong, you look like someone stole your puppy.”
Aaron shrugged his shoulders. “It’s nothing.”
Straightening up, Kevin looked at Brian for confirmation to Aaron’s reply. Brian returned the look with an eyebrow raised in question. After waiting for a few moments for Aaron to explain, Brian offered an excuse.
“He’s a little upset because Nick didn’t touch breakfast and he won’t let them go with him to his doctors appointment this morning.”
“It’s okay, I understand,” Aaron defended his brother’s actions.
“Well, Nick is just feeling a little tired from being so sick this week. He wants everything to be back to normal and I bet you do too, right?”
Aaron only nodded.
Kevin flashed a grin, his green eyes sparkling. “Do you remember a certain video store oh about ten miles from here?”
Aaron frowned as he thought. He shrugged his shoulders when he couldn’t remember any such place.
“Nick wanted me to take you there while he was at the doctors and asked me have you find a cool PS2 game so that he could, and I’m quoting him here, beat your sorry as” Kevin stopped short when he caught Jane’s eye and quickly corrected his words “.. butt.”
Aaron smiled when Kevin stumbled over the word ass. “Yeah I know what Nick would have said. That’s cool but you know I’ll be kickin’ his sorry ass!”
”Aaron Carter!”
“Oops, sorry mom.”
Brian, Howie and AJ exchanged knowing grins as they heard Jane Carter reprimanding her young son.
“Shoot, I better get ready,” Brian said as he pushed himself away from the table. “Can one of you guys clear the kitchen dishes?”
“I can do them,” Jane replied. “It’ll keep me occupied while he’s gone.”
Brian sat quietly in the waiting room with Nick. The nurse had already been in to take Nick’s vital signs and after noting them on his thick chart, told them that the doctor would be in shortly.
Eyeing the white device that Nick had unhooked from his belt, Brian gestured with his finger to it. “I bet you’re anxious to get rid of that thing.” When Nick didn’t comment Brian sighed. “Yeah, I know, dumb question.”
“You try wearing this stupid thing for two weeks and you tell me.”
Dr. Andersen walked into the office, setting Nick’s file on the counter. Glancing at her watch, she apologized for being behind schedule.
“I see by the numbers you must have had quite a time with the chemo,” Dr. Andersen stated as she looked at the lab results from Nick’s morning blood draw. “Did the nausea ever go away?”
Nick shook his head. “No.”
“I’ll look into some other meds to see if anything can give you more relief,” the doctor stated as she wrote a note in the chart.
“The only thing that seemed to help was the suppositories,” Brian offered.
Nick’s pale face became stained with embarrassement. Dr. Andersen picked up on it immediately. “Nickolas, this is something that is normal, nothing to be embarrassed over.”
All Nick could do in reply was shrug his shoulders and cast a dark look in Brian’s direction which set him into shifting in his seat.
“I see that despite the nausea and vomiting you’ve gained a little weight,” the doctor stated as she reviewed the vital signs. She peered at Nick over the top of her reading glasses. Laying the chart aside, she approached the table that Nick sat on. “I’d like to take a look at your abdomen.”
Nick instantly placed his arms protectively around his stomach. “No!”
“I need to feel the glands and your spleen,” the doctor insisted.
“I think my stomach has been going down so there’s really no need to look,” Nick pled his case.
“Nickolas, is there something that you’re hiding from me that you don’t want me to check you stomach?”
“Not really, it just hurts when things press on it and I’m not sick for a change and I’d like it to stay that way,” Nick lied.
“Well if you feel discomfort, I will order some Demerol and it will take some of it away after I’m done with the exam,” Dr. Andersen offered.
“No thank you, I’m fine right now. Just leave me alone. Take the pump off so I can go home,” Nick begged.
Brian stood up and walked over next to the doctor. “Nick, let Dr. Andersen take care of you, she needs to look at your stomach, it’s her job and that’s what you put your trust in when you made her your doctor. She can’t help you if you don’t let her do her work.”
Silently, Nick resigned to what the doctor wanted and slowly laid on his back, still grasping the edge of his shirt as if it were some type of safety net. The doctor gently pried Nick’s fingers from the edging and slowly pulled his shirt up towards his chest.
“Okay, just let me know when it hurts,” the doctor said as she prepared to press on the upper part of Nick’s stomach.
“Okay.” It was more of a sigh than a word.
The first time Dr. Andersen pressed, she realized that she didn’t have to press in too deeply and Nick’s response was wincing and a small moan. Everything seemed to be checking out normal for Nick’s condition until she came to his liver. When she pressed, Nick cried out sharply from the pain.
“I’m sorry,” she said and pressed in another area of his liver.
Nick gasped and tears slipped down his cheeks. “Stop, please.” He managed to pull his shirt down pushing the doctor’s hands away from his stomach. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Helping her young patient sit upright, Dr. Andersen’s eyes lock onto his. Taking a deep breath in, she took his chart and started writing. “Nickolas, I need you---”
“I can’t do anything for you this week, my mom and brother are here visiting,” Nick interrupted.
“Nickolas this is serious, you have to do the testing that I order for you, no exceptions and absolutely no skipping out this time!”
“You skipped out on doing tests?” Brian interjected.
Nick shot a dark look in Brian’s direction. “I think I can manage doing things on my own without you. Why don’t you go wait out in the hall!”
”Nick..” Brian protested.
Nick pointed towards the door. “I really would appreciate it if you waited out in the hall.”
Wordlessly, Brian left Nick and Dr. Andersen alone in the room.
“I’m not playing games with you anymore Nickolas. I will be scheduling the tests and you will have to go to them. I am not leaving it up to you to schedule your appointments. You seem to think that this is something you can take lightly, but to be frank with you, I think I felt a lump.”
Nick furrow his eyebrows in confusion. “A lump? Isn’t that common with Hodgeskins?”
“Yes, but this is a hard lump, I may be off, but I need you to have some more scans and other tests to be certain.”
“It’s just another lump,” Nick smirked.
“It’s not just another lump. You have to take this seriously,” the doctor reprimanded.
“Okay, what if it is something more than just another lump? What will you do? Bump up my chemo more?”
The doctor shook her head as the disconnected the pump from the infusa port. “Let’s not worry about this until I get the results back.”
The reality of the situation finally hit Nick, taking his breath away. The doctor looked into her young patient’s tear filled blue eyes. She couldn’t keep her gaze and quickly busied herself with swabbing the top of the port on Nick’s chest.
“Remember to come back in next Monday to start your new round of radiation, this is very important. The office will have the schedule for you for the testing I want to have done by then.”
Nick gingerly hopped down off the table and the doctor had to reach out to steady him when his legs betrayed his movements, almost sending him crashing to the floor.
“I need to remind you, that since you’re off the chemo this week, you’ll start to feel better, but by no means do you discontinue any of the medications. If you remember from the last time, you’ll be fatigued, and you won’t have much of an appetite but it’s very important to eat because if you don’t then this will pose another problem which would require more surgery and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that. I’m giving you this brochure about nutritional supplements and you can buy them at any store. All I can say is calories are your best friend right now.”
At those words, Nick couldn’t help but grin. “Someone is finally telling me to gain weight, god, if I had known someone would have said this to me two years ago I would have laughed in their face.”
“I’ll see you next Monday.”
“Thanks doc.”
With that, Nick slid out of the office finding Brian leaning against the wall.
“What tests were you skipping out of?”
Nick shot an irritated look at his best friend. “God, you don’t wait long do you?”
“Nick, I care.”
“Just some blood tests I skipped, no big deal,” Nick lied.
“So you will keep those this time?” Brian questioned.
“Yeah, I promised her I would.”
Nick felt horrible about lying to his brother but he didn’t have any choice. He knew if he came clean with the doctor wanting to do more tests that Brian would have hovered over him worse than what his own mother was doing. He glanced over and saw the worry in Brian’s face as they walked toward the exit.
“Bri, don’t worry, I’m not gonna let this beat me,” Nick assured, but deep down he wasn’t as confident as he was trying to make Brian and himself believe.
