Today it was D-day. Last day of Chemo, last day of feeling like crap! At least for a while. A day where he should be celebrating, instead he couldnīt feel the slightest bit happy. Just worried.
The words that Dr. Andersen had told him, scared him. Alot! He cursed the fact that he let her examine him. Maybe it was his subconscious that told him there was something wrong with his stomach. Something more than just having a common stomach ache. And when she told him that she felt a lump he just knew that she was right.
A possible tumor. Cancer!
This would mean more tests and examinations. More chemotherapy and radiation. More pain. Nick was no fool, he knew that he needed those tests but he didnīt want to do it right now. Not when Aaron and his mother were here. He didnīt want them to see how sick he really was.
Letting out a deep sigh he rubbed his eyes.
It was just that it was too tough of a situation to grip. He was, after all, only 22. In the beginning of his life that ironically was about to end. Even if he hadnīt let on he was prepared to do his best to win. He was a winner. Not a looser and he was going to beat the cancer. Even if it meant that he would feel as shitty as could be. He wasnīt ready to give up. Not yet.
"You tired?" Brian asked, driving the car.
"A bit." Nick had been silent, sullen, ever since he left the doctors office. All the strength ran out of him as he wanted nothing more than tell Brian what Dr. Andersen feared. He wanted to spill his guts, yet there were something that stopped him. He guessed that it had something to do with him always trying to be strong. Not letting people, even his family and friends too close into his life. It was too easy to be hurt.
"Julie called while you were at the doctors," Brian said as he turned towards his friend, trying to make small conversation.
"Julie?" Nick had almost forgot her. He hadnīt called her back and when she called him he said that he was busy and after a while she got tired waiting for him. Deep inside he knew that he had acted wrong but he wasnīt prepared for a serious relationship right now. There were too many things going on in his life and for the first time in his life he didnīt feel that girls had the center part.
He had liked Julie. She was a cool girl. In fact she was a girl that he could have been serious with if things had been different. He had really enjoyed her company but she went into remission it was like something changed. She was well. He was not!
"Yeah you know that hottie you dated," Brian grinned, but stopped as he saw that he didnīt get a response back. "Whatīs the matter?"
"Nothing." Nick shrugged.
"Yeah right! There's something bothering you." Brian looked at him searchingly, "Does it have something to do with that conversation you had with Dr. Andersen?"
Nick jerked at the words. Did it show that much that he was hurting? That he felt sad? Determinded not to say anything, at least not for now, Nick shook his head. "No I just have a slight headache."
Upon hearing this, Brian narrowed his eyes, "A headache? You sure you're alright?"
NOOO Nick wanted to cry out with pain. I AM NOT!!! Instead he said, "Sure, nothing a few asprins can't cure." To prove his point he rubbed his temples with small circle moves.
"Okay," Brian looked like he didnīt buy the words, yet he dropped the health issue, at least for now. "So, are you going to call Julie or not?"
"Not."
"Why? I thought you liked her." There was surprise in his friends voice.
Nick sighed. "Would you stop playing matchmaker B'rok. It doesnīt fit you." His tone wasnīt rude, it had more of a tone of tiredness.
"My.... my, you sure are cheerful today," Brian shook his head. "I thought you would be all full of joy from getting off that chemo device, but I guess not," he added with a frown.
"Mhmm.." Nick closed his eyes so that he didnīt have to talk to Brian. This was a strategy that he had used many times throughout the years. Sometimes it worked and other times it didnīt. Today it gave result as no more words were said.
Nick didn't know if he had dozed off or not but the next time he opened his eyes he was at his gate. Opening his eyes he saw a couple of blue eyes peering upon him. "Youīre awake?"
Stupid question. "Mhmm, I am now." Nick stretched like a cat in his the seat, "Weīre home?"
"Yes," Brian opened his eyes to comment on his friends disheleved appearance but was stopped as the electric gate opened up and he got clearance to drive through. Putting the care in gear, he drove slowly up the long drive way.
"Good," Nick ran a hand through his hair, shakily. The headache that he had told Brian he had earlier, pulling a white lie, was lingering like a crown. It was like every event that he had been through during the past weeks was coming upon him. Hitting him straight in the face. He was exhausted, down to the bone and wanted nothing more than get to his bedroom and sleep. Sleep for like forever
"Iīm beat. As soon as I get in I think Iīll be taking a nap."
Brian nodded, "Yeah that might be a good idea."
No sooner had Nick said the words before he saw his little brother coming out from the house, running towards him with a wide smile and a black video case in his hand.
"Fuck," Nick groaned. There was not a chance that he could deal with an overactive kid. Not even when it was his brother. He wanted, no he needed desperately to be alone. To think over his situation.
Brian looked over at him, with compassion in his eyes. "You want me to tell him that you donīt feel alright?"
"No, S'okey," the young man mumbled as he laid his hand on the door handle, stepping outside, "I can manage." The moment he stepped outside Aaron came barging towards him as Nick did his best, keeping his his posture.
"Nick! Nick! Check this out! Kevin bought the latest combat game!" There was pure excitement in the teens voice as he waved the PS 2 game case. "You wanna play?"
Even if Nick just wanted to drop dead on his feet, he had to smile. His little brother reminded him so much of himself in that age but then the subject for his admiration had been Brian. There had been endless of evenings that the Kentuckian had spent with him playing video games while the others went out clubbing. Nick was more than grateful for this and this had also led Brian to become his best friend.
"Cool it bro'" Nick hated himself. He hated that he felt so beat that he couldnīt share the excitement that Aaron showed. He had to turn his request down, at least for now since it was getting harder by the minute to stand up straight. His body was slowly shutting down on him.
"You donīt wanna play?" Aarons eyes lost their glow and Nick felt like a criminal. Behind him he could feel Brian staring at him. He cringed.
"Yeah soon kiddo, soon." He walked towards his house, not looking his brother in his eyes. Not wanting to see the disappointment.
"Pleeaaaseeeee.." Aaron whined as a last desperate attempt to get his brother to change his opinion. "Pretty pleaaseee?"
The young mans step were heavy and his shoulders hung like he was carrying a too big of a burden. His heart ached when he heard his little brother plead and he looked sadly at him. He knew how much it meant to Aaron when he spent some time with him. It had been way too little during these past years, either was he touring or Aaron. He missed spending that time with his little brother, just fooling around being crazy. Nick was often told that he was way too immature for his age, maybe the guys were right about that one, as he rarely missed an opportunity to be a bit childish, especially with his Aaron.
"Why do you never wanna spend any time with me?" Brown eyes, filled with tears looked at him as disappointment was shining through in the teens voice.
The words cut through his heart like a knife. Opening his mouth to respond Brian was quick to jump in.
"Aaron, Nick is a bit tired right now. He needs to rest for a while, but if you want I can play with you. What do you say?"
"Su..sure," There was defeat in his voice and this had Nick feeling even worse. He felt as he was letting his little brother down and a scary thought crossed his mind. 'What if something happend to me? And I wouldn't be able to play with my brother again? How would Aaron feel about that?' Even though he was so tired that he was close to a collapse, Nick did his best to keep his posture as he held up a hand, smiling, "Okay Bro' go and get that game ready, since I will be kicking your ass!"
"GREAT!!!" Aarons smile went wide up to his ears and his eyes glowed with total excitement. Without any further comments he ran towards the house as fast as his legs could carry. Nick chuckled. His little brother was so easy to please.
Brian didnīt sound as excited, "Dude," he said, raising his eyebrows, "I thought you said that you were tired."
"Yeah I am," Nick let out a yawn. "But you know I.I..." He stopped himself to think.
"You what?" Brian asked when there had been too long of silence."
"Didnīt you see how excited he got when I told him that I would play?" Nick grinned.
"Yes I did, but I also see how beat you are and regarding that you have been so sick so long you need to take it easy."
Nick sighed. He understood his friends comments. "You know, I like to play with him and..and," the young man let out a shakey breath, "Who knows when I will be able to kick his ass again?"
Frowning, Brian looked at him as he was taking in the words. "Is there something youīre not telling me?"
"NO," Nick was a bit too fast with the answer, "Can't I enjoy being with my brother without there being something wrong?"
Brian looked him sternly in his eyes as he was about to respond to that comment, but then stopped himself in the last second. A bit deffensive he said,"Okay, Letīs hope that it is all it is." With that older man let the subject drop.
