Slowly Nick started to come through, his head aching in the same way it did when he had partied way too hard. 'What the hell did I do now?' he thought disoriented. Licking his lips he noticed that they were dry and parched and his throat hurt like he had been eating raw sandpaper. The eyelids felt heavy and they were glued together. A strange buzzing sound in his head added only more to his misery. Shifting uncomfortably in bed he felt someone touching his hand. His thoughts trailed over to Brian. His friend was always there for him when he had been touring and not feeling well, "B..Bri?" he croaked out hoarsly.
"Come on honey, wake up," a soft female voice whispered to him, stroking his hand gently.
'What was his mother doing here? On tour?' Confused Nicks whisper was barely audible, "Mo..Mom?" Struggeling to open his eyes, he wanted to talk to his mother. Tell her how bad he felt. That he didnīt want to do the show tonight.
"No honey," the female said, "Iīm your nurse."
'Nurse?' This was confusing Nick even further. 'What was a nurse doing on tour? Was someone sick?' Opening his eyes he stared into a pair of warm brown eyes and a toothy white smile. This was definatly NOT his mother!
"Hi there," the nurse stroked his cheek lightly. "How are you feeling?"
How was he feeling? His tongue felt twice its normal size, furry and strange and there were something irritating in his throat, like he had been swallowing something. Coughing he tried to clear the feeling of walking in a desert storm from his throat. Thirst ripping his body apart.
"Thi..Thirsty," his voice cracked like a broken record from the twenties. As he shifted, he felt the IV stretched on his hand. Great now he was stuck at a hospital again! When was this ever going to end?
"Iīm sorry honey," the nurse said stroking his cheek again, "I know that you must be thirsty, but I canīt let you drink anything..not yet. We had to give you anesthia and you can feel a bit nauseous from it." She wiped his face with a cold cloth, "Does this feel any better?"
Nodding Nick mumbled, "Di..did I go into sur..surgery?" There was a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach, like liquid sloshing around and he burped quietly.
"No, you had an upper GI," the nurse smiled friendly, "but you were trashing about and not accepting the tube so we had to put you to sleep, so that you wouldnīt hurt yourself."
"K." That explained the sore feeling in his throat and the underlying nausea that was threatening to errupt like a volcano.
"Everything went just fine," the nurse added when she saw how confused her patient seemed. She ran the cloth over his lips, "Does that feel better?"
"Mmmm.." There was a tingling sensation in his body and everytime he moved he was aware of his aching stomach. Suddenly a sensation of pain shot through him and he had to bite his lip from crying out. The nurse however noticed his distress.
"Do you feel sick?"
He moaned silently when a sudden rush of sickness dwelled over him, making him gag in the process. It took all his willpower not to throw up on the spot. The nurse caught the situation and she handed him a curved steel bowl. Shaking his head he held his mouth closed, fighting the nausea to the bitter end. When his stomach calmed down he pushed the bowel aside, relieved that he didn't have to use it. It would have hurt too much and he honestly didnīt know if he had the strength to do such a forceful task.
"Is it passing?" the nurse referring to his previous bout with the nausea. Receiving a nod she picked up the bowl and put it on the bedstand, just in case. "Good," she smiled, "Dr. Stewart will be with you soon, he is talking with your friend right now."
"Okay."
They were quiet for awhile, Nick dosing and the nurse fixing his bed, making him feel good. Suddenly he remembered his friend. "How is Bone doing?"
The nurse frowned, "Bone?"
"Yeah, Alex McLean."
"Oh you mean your friend," she smiled towards him. "He is doing much better. He will stay here over night, but if he keeps doing good he will get to go home tomorrow."
"Cool." Nick smiled weakly, but the smile didnīt reach his eyes. Instead he looked concerned. The nurse noticed this.
"Honey what is it?"
"Eh..eh..nothing," he rolled to his side, closing his eyes.
The nurse pressed on, "No I can see that something is bothering you. Are you feeling sick again?" She felt his forehead. "You donīt feel clammy."
"NO," Nick shook his head, "itīs not tha..that it is..is.." He didnīt know how to tell the nurse how he felt. Scared and not wanting to be alone. He had never liked hospitals and could thank his lucky stars that he didnīt have to deal with them, up until now.
"Is it that you are afraid that you canīt go home?" the nurse asked, reading Nick like an open book.
Swallowing hard he nodded, "Kind of."
"Donīt worry honey, Iīm sure that everything will be just fine." She stroked his head. Nick flinched, afraid that she would see the bald spots that had started to show on his head. He quickly covered the skull with his hand, embarressed.
"No," the nurse took his hand off, gently. "It's okay. I know." She was talking softly and Nick felt like he wanted to cry. She knew that he had cancer.
"I hope so," he whispered, shifting again in his bed. Glancing over at the phone by the side of his bed he asked, "Can I make a call?"
"A call? Yes of course," the nurse smiled, handing him the phone.
"Good," Nick wanted to call Brian and the rest of the guys so they wouldnīt have to worry about him. After all he was fine. Dialing his home number he awaited while the signals went through. When he thought that no one would answer he heard the voice of Kevin on the other line.
"Carter's phone, Kevin Richardson."
"Hi Kev, itīs me Nick."
"Nick? Where the hell are you?" The words were said with such force that Nick shrugged back. There was no need to use such a forceful word. "Donīt you realize that we are worried about you?" He had no time to answer before Kevin spat out the words, "If you and Bone are going to go off you could at least called back to inform us. Brian is going totally off the wall from worry and now there are journalists calling claiming that you are in some hospital." He draw back his breath before continuing. "You know that drinking and partying while you're on radiation is bad and.."
"STOP IT!!" Nick growled when he had enough. Kevin was going on and on about how irresponsible he was, and finally he just had enough. "If you could just stop and listen to me for once," he shouted, the nurse looking at him with surprise. Breathing hard Nick continued to a silent Kevin, "It is true, we are at a hospital." He could hear how Kevin was about to say something when he stopped him, "It's nothing bad, we just got rear ended by another car and they want to keep us here for obseravtion."
"A car accident? Why didnīt you say so in the first place?" Kevin cried out with concern. "Are you guys hurt? What happened?" There were sounds of talking in the background. No doubt Brian and Howie.
'Because you didnīt let me talk, asshole,' Nick thought a bit irritated. With a sigh he continued, "No we are not hurt. AJ had a slight concussion thats all." He could see from the corner of his eye the nurse frowning. Yet he was set not to worry his friends by telling them about the Upper GI.
"A concussion?" There was a brief pause, "and what about you?"
"Me?," Nick tried to stall it all, "Itīs nothing, the seatbelt kinda pressed on my stomach." He was talking fast, hoping that Kevin wouldn't say anything more about it. But it was futile.
"Pressed on your stomach? What do you mean?" Now Kevin was sounding more concerned and he was asking questions in a rapid flow. Nick did his best to answer them, trying not to get them to worry too much. He was getting more and more tired as the minutes progressed.
"Listen Kev, I gotta go," he mumbled, but the older man had no such intentions. On top of everything Brian was asking questions in the background. He sighed heavily, "Kev, I have to stop now." Still no acknowledge. "KEV!!"
Finally the older man listened, "What?"
"I have to go now, sorry man."
Upon hearing the tired voice that his little brother had, his tone softened, "Donīt you worry buddy, we will be right at the hospital." "No, No you donīt have to do that.." Nick started, but the line was already broken. His brother had hung up.
Shutting the door behind him to room four, Dr. Stewart ran his hand over his face in a tired gesture. His patient, the famous popstar was doing so much better and he opted to release him tomorrow if everything followed a steady pace. The concussion was slight and Mr. McLean was back to health again. The disorientation he felt earlier was gone and now the young patient was fast asleep, snoring away. Allen smiled briefly.
Looking down the hallway he noticed that the reporters were still there and he shied away, hoping that he would go unnoticed. The press had harassed them all afternoon and if that lady journalist didn't stop bugging him he would have security throw her out. This was a hospital, not some pop concert.
He was just about to go into his other patients room, when an assistant called out his name, "Dr. Stewart." Afraid that the female reporter would spy him he hushed the assistant down. "Yes?" he whispered.
The young assistant looked at him strangely, then shrugged her shoulders, "Dr. Stewart, the X-rays for patient in room five." She handed him the films which he accepted with a frown. Even tough he was anxious to look at the pictures he still dreaded to.
Allen was dead on his feet, still not wanting to go home. The reason for his obsession with work was the blond 22 year old popstar. At first he had thought that it was just another spoiled teenage celebrity, but the more he got to be with this patient he noticed that this was a rather deep and scared person. His heart ached when he had found out that the young man was suffering from cancer and the lumps that he had felt in his patient's stomach had him concerned.
"Thanks," he grunted holding the brown envelope in his hand. Walking into his office he decided that he would look at them in privacy since the result might not be too promising. As soon as he was inside he picked up the X-rays popping them into the viewer. Scanning the photos over and over again he felt his thoat constrict. His stomach clenched and he could feel the desperation dwelling up inside him.
Even though he had been a doctor since the stoneage it still hurt him everytime he had to give someone as young as Nick the results. With a sigh he put down the pictures on his desk and then looked through the telephone catalog. This was one call that he wished he didnīt have to make.
Pressing the buttons he awaited until the signal came through and a female voice answered on the other line. "Oncology, Dr. Andersen."
Memories flooded over him when he heard the woman talk, pushing them aside he straightened his voice, "This is Dr. Stewart from Tampa General."
"Dr. Stewart," There were a brief pause, "Allen?"
"Yes Susan itīs me." It felt good to hear his old girlfriend's voice and if he didnīt have such an urgent message he would have talked more.
"Itīs been a long time ago," she said dragging out the words slowly like she was remembering the days they had together.
"Yes not since that banquet a few years ago," Allen smiled, knowing very well that it wasnīt what she was referring to.
The doctor on the other line went into business mode when she asked, "What makes you call me?"
"I have a young patient of yours.."
"You do?"
"Yes, a Mr. Carter. A Nickolas Gene Carter. Does his name sound familiar?"
A brief pause, "Nick?"
"Yes," Allen paused, "since you are his treating physician Im calling you."
"What is wrong with Nick?" Dr Andersen interrupted her collegue. Tension in her voice.
"Mr. Carter was in a small car accident," He could hear the fast breathing on the other line. "Nothing bad, but I had to run some tests. And the X-rays came back with some disturbing results." He started to tell the doctor about his findings.
"Oh no," she said when she had the situation clear. "Does he know anything?"
" No," Allen shook his head, tiredly, "But since you are his treating physicsian I want you to tell it to him."
Silence.
"Okay, I will be there first thing in the morning." Dr Andersen said with a sigh. The female doctor sounded upset.
"Thats good," Allen mumbled, "see you then Susan." With that he hung up. Suddenly he felt so tired and drained. It was all dwelling up on him, making him feel old and worn out. With a sigh he gathered the films, putting them in the desk. Then he prepared himself mentally to go and meet the patient in question, Mr. Nick Carter.
"No Brian, Iīm fine." Nick said over and over again when his friend insisted that he should have another blanket.
"You sure?" the short man didnīt look like he believed him. "You look a bit cold."
"God Bri," Nick snapped, "read my lips I A M F I N E! "
"But you could get a sore throat and a fever and.." Brian said, wringing his hands nervously. The older man was not so found of hospitals, no doubt since he had spent a large time in them when he had heart surgery. They brought up painful memories.
"Brian!" Nick was getting fed up with his friends concern, " I donīt have the fucking flu, I have CANCER!" He snarled a bit too irritated since Brian pulled back like he had been hurt. There were tears in his friends eyes and he felt like a devil.
Why did he have to hurt his friend?
"Okay....okay." Brian hold up his hands, "if you want me to leave, just say so." He backed away towards the door.
"Yeah you better do that!" Nick snapped, glaring at his friend irritated. "GO!!!" He wanted to get out from the hospital as fast as possible and now he was stuck because that Dr. Stewart had decided that he needed to run more tests on him. AJ on the other hand was discharged and both Kevin and Howie were with him, talking to the doctor. According to them the whole hallway was filled with fans and reporters who wanted to know how they were doing.
Brian stopped, looking at his friend with his blue eyes, "Nick? What is bothering you?" He felt concerned for his friend. It was something that was off with Nick, something that he couldnīt put his finger on. He was deathly pale and the blue bags under his eyes told Brian that Nick was not doing so good. The fact that nurses came running back and forth doing all sorts of tests on his friend scared him too. There was something going on and he dreaded to know what.
"Nothing," the young man looked into the wall. "What are you waiting for? You were suppose to go!"
Not accepting the answer Brian walked over to Nick, "Come on buddy, I know that there is something that is upsetting you." His tone was soft. "You canīt hide it from Frick you know." A small laughter.
Nick, who was doing his best to hide his face looked up, tears running down his cheek, "Brian Im scared." The voice was shaky and weak.
Upon hearing these words Brians heart ached so bad that he thought it would explode. "I know, I know buddy," he whispered, patting Nicks hand comfortingly. He sat down on the small hospital bed. "Everything will be just fine."
The words was meant to be comforting but they made Nick snap once more. "I am so fucking sick of everybody saying that to me." He screamed, his tears streaming down his face.
"Nick!" Brian said, shrugging back from the sudden force in his friends words.
"If everything is so fucking fine, why are they running back and forth doing all kind of damn tests on me?" There was pain in the young mans voice.
The older man didnīt know how to answer so he held his friends hand, squeezing it hard. "Try to rest." He whispered swallowing back his own urge to cry. It pained him to see his little brother this sick.
Nick was about to open his mouth to object when a short knock was heard on the door. Instantly their attention was turned towards the door.
"Hi Nick," A female said, walking in. She was holding a brown envelope in her hand together with a bunch of journals. Nick instantly recognized the woman.
"Dr. Andersen? What are you doing here?" he uttered in surprise seeing his treating physician walk in. Brian nodded shortly in recognizement.
"Hello Brian," Dr. Andersen said with a smile, walking over to Nick. "And for your question Dr. Stewart called me and informed me that you were in this hospital and I thought I would come and see how you were doing."
"Okay," Nick looked like he didnīt believe a word of what was said, yet he played along. He turned his head towards the wall again.
"Nick," Brian was about to scold him for showing such rudeness towards his own doctor, when Dr. Andersen shook her head.
"Do you mind? I would like to talk to Nick alone for a while?" She smiled, sitting down on the chair next to the bed.
Sensing that his doctor was a going to talk to him about something serious, her eyes were not smiling at all, in fact they looked sad, Nick answered, "No, B stays with me."
Both Brian and Dr. Andersen looked at the sick man in the hospital bed one with the confusion, the other with discomfort. The Kentuckian felt confused, one moment Nick had shouted to him to go, the next he wanted him to stay. It was hard understanding his friend.
"Nick, I think we should talk and.."
"NO!" the young man snapped, "I said I want Brian with me. I have nothing to hide."
Brian sensed that Dr. Andersen didnīt want him in there, fidgeted uncomfortably, shifting his feet back and forth. "Nick I think I have to go, you know." He swallowed nervously, looking at the doctor. "I need to have a talk with the rest of the guys." Quickly he moved towards the door, feeling like a coward that didnīt back his friend up. But Dr. Andersens eyes told him that he better not object to her words. It was a silent begging.
Nick noticing that Brian was backing out suddenly became very furious, "Okay GO then, see if I give a shit!"
"Nick..I.." Brian started but Nick didnīt answer, turning his back towards him.
"I think you better go for now," Dr. Andersen smiled towards the older man, " Ill come and get you when Im done. I just want to perform a quick examination and have a few words with Nick."
"Okay," Brian said opening the door, "Nick Iīll be back."
"Donīt bother," Nick snarled, still not looking at his friend. Brian opened his mouth to say something back, his eyes filled with tears but Dr. Andersen shook her head, motioning with her hand for him to leave.
As soon as Brian had closed the door the doctor said to Nick, "I would like to perform a short examination, is that okay?" She stood up by his side.
"Whatever," he muttered still looking into the wall.
"Nick I want you to lay on your back for me."
A smile toyed on Nicks lips. "Youīre not the only woman that has wanted that," he said with a small dry chuckle. Biting his lip he awaited for the reaction to come.
"I dont doubt that," she smiled, "but I bet Iīm the only one that gets to press on your stomach though."
Nick was on the verge of saying something dirty when he stopped himself. Dr. Andersen didnīt want him to suffer anything bad, that he knew. But he was so fed up with being a gunniea pig. " 'k." He did like she requested.
She pressed on his stomach several times, mostly concentrating on the area around his liver. One time it hurt so much that he bit his lip hard from crying out.
"Did that hurt?" she asked, and he nodded.
"Oookeeeyyy," she said, dragging out the last syllables. She scribbled something in the chart, then she said, "Nick there is something I have to tell you."
The words didnīt sound too good. Nick could feel his stomach clench from fear to hear what she was about to say. He felt a bit queasy and there were a bad feeling in his stomach. A feeling of dread.
"Dr. Stewart have been doing some tests, and so have I earlier on. The Upper GI that was performed showed that there is a black spot on the X-rays."
"Oh." Nick didnīt know what more to say. His eyes burned again, but he listened scared what she would say next.
"The tests reults were not so good." The doctors voice broke for a second, but she regained her posture, "Nick I am so sorry to say.." She grabbed his hand, holding it. Nick listened intentsly, waiting for her to say what he knew, what he had known all along.
"Iīm so sorry but we have found another lump. She took several deep breaths before saying, "Nick your cancer has spread. There is a lump on your liver and if its cancerous, it is fatal" Her voice croaked, "Iīm so so sorry but there is nothing I can do." Nick listened in slowmotion, watching her lips move, barely taking in what she said. She was talking about further treatments, more tests, more chemo, more radiation. She was talking about some new treatment programs that she wanted him to test out. She also mentioned his friend, Brian, and that she was going to go and get him.
Covering his ears Nick wanted to shout, ' STOP IT!' Wanted her to leave him alone. Let him mourn in peace. Instead he just sat there, staring ahead of him, staring into space.
And for a moment time stood still.
