Everything hurt!
Every limb, every muscle, all body parts, yes even his fingernails hurt. There had never been a more aching feeling and Nick had tossed restlessly all evening, trying to find a comfortable position. The little sleep he’d got was soon interrupted by another sheering pain and the morphine he was given did little to take the edge off..
The fever that had his body in a tight grip didn’t seem to want to let go and nurses had been coming and going, fussing over him when all he wanted to do was to retreat back to his own world where aches and pains were unheard off. There was a blurred memory of someone coming in and checking on him one time when he started having a hard time breathing and soon after he felt something hard and cold placed over his mouth. At first he tried to object but gentle hands and soft voices told him that everything would be just fine and that he just had to relax and let the machine to the job. Whatever was placed over his mouth made it easier to breathe but he didn't feel any calmer, instead it made him scared.
Everything that was going on around him happened in slow motion and even if Nick had the strength to ask the nurses what was wrong he didn’t know if he wanted to hear the answers. Their sad and concerned faces told him enough.
He was dying; he just knew it!
Tears started to roll down his cheeks as he thought about how much he would miss in his life.
He would miss all the fun times he had with Aaron and the boat rides they used to take. He would miss every single moment he’d spent with the guys and the way they made him feel. Happy and liberated. They had been their for him during his sickness and he knew he would miss never talking to them again. Never hearing AJ crack another joke or Brian acting goofy. Never hearing Kevin telling him that he had a warm heart or Howie telling him that he was good enough just as he was. He would miss standing up on stage, performing infront of all the people that were yelling his name. He would miss taking long walks barefoot on the beach and just feeling the sun hit him on the back of his neck.
He would miss his family.
Both his families.
“Mr. Carter, are you all right?” A woman's voice asked him and he felt a soft cloth touching his face, wiping the salty tears away.
Nick wanted to yell ‘No I’m not. Can’t you see that I’m dying?’ but instead settled for a moan. Everything hurt too much to speak and he didn't think he would ever have the energy to talk ever again.
“I know that these transplantations can seem to be hard going through, but you’ll see that you’ll make it.” The words were said to be comforting but instead it angered Nick even more. To say that they were hard going through would be an understatement. This was pure hell.
Another seering pain that felt like a knife twisted around in his stomach made him yelp out for help and soon there was a beeping noise in the room. Nick's blood pressure had sky rocketed and before he knew what was happening people were crowding the room again.
“We need to put him out,” someone yelled and before he had a chance to object he felt a warm sensation rush through his veins and soon the bliss that he had begged for all night was coming to him. Closing his eyes he felt peace dwell up inside him and it lulled him to a warm heavy sleep.
Nick dreamed.
He dreamed that he was hurting so bad and that he was crying from pain. He dreamt he was having a hard time breathing and that it felt like he would choke. People dressed in white with masks over their faces rushed into his room and he felt jolts of pain curse through his body. Suddenly the pain was replaced with warmth and he could feel himself being lifted up from bed. He rose higher and higher while he could see the people, nurses and doctors shouting and working on him down below.
He was flying.
Higher and higher he flew and the people down below looked as small as match sticks. He was high up in the clouds, high above the birds and for once in his life he felt totally liberated. There was a feeling of peace wrapping around him and he wanted to fly even higher. But suddenly there was something big in his way.
It was an airplane filled with passangers. People he knew. People he cared about. People that cared about him.
He could see the faces of his brother, his sisters, his mom and his dad and the fellas; Brian, AJ, Kevin and Howie and they were all waving to him, wanting him to come down and join them. But the feeling of freedom was too great and he kept flying higher and higher and the plane became smaller and smaller.
He was flying so high now and suddenly he noticed that he had white wings. Looking around he saw that there were more people and they had all wings. There were men and women, young and old and they all had a smile on their faces and they came toward him with open arms. Just when he was going to stretch out an arm to them he felt how he started to loose speed and he started to sink down to earth again. Screaming he did everything he could to hold onto the grip that the people, angels, provided but he kept going down and down. He fell through the sky into full speed and closing his eyes he waited for the crash.
Boom. He hit the ground. Crash on impact.
That was when Nick woke up, his eyes darting confused around the room.. Had it been a dream or was it for real?
Nick looked around in the room, his eyes trying to adjust to the light from the small lamp above his bed. He did his best to make out who was sitting next to him but his vision was really blurry and for a moment he thought he’d died and gone to heaven.
It looked like an angel sitting next to him. One that was dressed all in white. Then the angel started to talk.
“Hi Nick. How you’re feeling? Are you in any pain?”
Confused, he blinked. Since when did angels talk? A hand, a warm human hand touched his and when the worst of the fuzziness had died down he realized that he was still at the hospital and there was a nurse sitting beside him. He recognized her as Lena and she was one of the night staff.
“Welcome back,” she smiled as she placed a palm on his forehead. “You gave us quite a scared there.”
Still puzzled over what she was talking about Nick opened his mouth to talk when he felt a hard mask covering it. By reflex he moved his hand up to take it away when he was stopped.
“No Nick. Leave that alone. It’s oxygen and it helps you breathe easier.”
Nick blinked. So it wasn't all a dream? That he had a hard time breathing?
Sensing her patient's confusion the nurse went on, “Don’t you remember? You spiked quite a high temp and then you started to have a hard time breathing. Doctor Sanders didn't like the stress it took on your body so we put you out so you could calm down and relax.” Nodding at him she went on, “And by the looks of it, it did you much better since you’re looking much better than you did before.”
Nick knew that had to be a lie. A cancer sick, dying patient doesnt look good and if you did then it could only be marginally better. But it was true that he didn’t feel quite as bad as he’d had before. The awful pain that surged through his body all day was just a memory, a bad one but still a memory and he guessed it was because of the drugs he’d been administered.
Morphine. That was good stuff!
No wonder that people got addicted to that stuff and would kill for it. It made you float on clouds, all your worries disappeared and the pain that you felt in your body and soul was gone with the wind. At least until the dosage wore off and you were due for another round.
Feeling like he had to concetrate on something Nick turned his head to look at the red digits on the clock on ICU room wall. To his surprise he read that it was only ten past five in the morning. To him it felt as if he’d slept through a whole night, something that was rather rare these days.
The mask over his mouth was starting to hurt and he had a hard time swallowing.
“Does it bother you?” Lena asked gesturing towards the mask. Nick nodded while coughing painfully. The nurse stood up. “Hold on I have to see if we can replace it with a nasal canula."
Nick, still dazed, closed his eyes. He wished that this misery would be over soon since there was a building feeling of nausea crawling around inside his stomach. The medication was no doubt running on its last supply and the uncomfortable feeling he had before was starting to come back to him.
The door opened and in came another nurse. “Goodmorning Mr. Carter,” she greeted although Nick knew that it was still night. The nurse was much older than Lena and much more formal so he guessed she was some kind of floor supervisor. He couldn’t remember if he saw her before but then there had been so many people in and out of his room lately that it reminded him of Grand Central Station.
She stepped up to him and felt on the mask over his mouth After making a brief examination, both by practice and by looking over his journals she said, “I don’t see why we can't give him the nasal canula.” With that she took off the mask and then replaced it with the thin nose tubing. “There you go Mr. Carter, now I hope that you feel much more comfortable.” With that she patted him on the hand and then was out of the room as fast as she came.
Nick looked at her in surprise while the nurse let out a small laugh. “Yeah I know. She is as fast as the wind.” While checking on the nose strap so it sat better she went on, “I’m gonna let you in on a secet. We call her “Mrs. Hurricane” because of her speed.”
Normally Nick would at least have smiled at the joke but today he was feeling too miserable. The dream still lingered in the back of his head and he still didn't know if it was because of the fever he suffered or that he had literally been through the wringer. His stomach was acting up again and when he opened his mouth to ask for more strong drugs his body suddenly rebelled.
“You okay? You look a bit pale all of a sudden?” There was no time for any answers since the nurse, calm as always placed a bedpan just in time while his stomach revolted against the nights events. She rubbed his back in small circular moves while whispering that everything would be just fine. Once the worst of the heaves had stopped she helped him to lay back against the pillows and then carried away the bowl to rinse it away in the bathroom.
“That sucked,” Nick mumbled, closing his eyes.
“I know.” The nurse's eyes were filled with compassion as she picked up a washcloth and wiped it over his forehead. “You think you’re done for now?”
He nodded. That was all he could do these times. Nod and smile as if it would relieve the pain he felt inside of him. The pain that told him he was dying....
Nick hated how much his body held control of his life. The sudden vomiting scared him. He could be feeling pretty okay one minute only to spill his guts out the next without any warning whatsoever. It scared him. These kind of nausea spells had been frequent during the chemo treatments and he thought that he could get used to it after living almost a full year with cancer, but he guessed he was wrong. It was just as disgusting and humiliating as it’d been before and his hopes that the nausea would die down after the bone marrow transplant proved to be nothing but a utophia.
“I’m going to talk to Mrs. Hurri..I mean Mrs. Hutchinson...and ask her if you could be given more compazine” The young nurse smiled when she noticed her mistake. Despite the misery Nick returned her smile with a grin, after all there was no use in moping around since things wouldn't be getting much better than this.
“Okay.” Nick had no idea how much time had passed when both of the nurses returned to the room. He was sure that he’d dozed off since the day had been way too exhausting and his supply of energy was running low.
“Hello again Mr. Carter,” the head nurse said as she filled up a syringe with fluid and then administered it into the IV line. “ Nurse Lena told me that you’ve been feeling sick to your stomach and so I’m giving you Compazine so the nausea will hopefully ease up.”
Nick nodded. As always.
“Pain?”
He nodded again.
The nurse frowned, “Where?”
“Stomach.” Finally one word could be spilled over his dry lips. It was too exhausting to talk.
With no further words Mrs. Hutchinson picked up another syringe, “It’s time for another morphine shot for your pain and then I’m going to administer your sleeping medication so that your body can rest. You’ve really been through some rough times today. Haven’t you Mr. Carter?” She was talking in short firm sentences but even if she wasn't all that talkative Nick could feel that this black woman harbored alot of competence and she knew what she was talking about. It made him feel safe.
Once the head nurse had left the room Lena sat down by his bed, and then took his hand into hers, just like she had been sitting when he woke up the first time. “The medication will soon start to do wonders so you can finally relax and go back to sleep. I’m just going to sit here beside you and if you need something just let me know. Okay?”
Nick looked up with surprise. Was he so sick now that he needed babysitting?
She must have read his thoughts as she said immedialtly, “It’s just a precaution. Like I said before you spiked quite a high fever and we had to put you out so your body could rest. You were in lots of pain and the morphine you got didn’t seem to do the work since you were so stressed out. Now your body seems to have calmed down a bit and I need to sit here and make sure that everything stays the same.” She smiled at him before she continued. “You know, make sure that everything is calm on the waterfront.”
Nick grinned back.
That was an expression that he’d used too many times that the nurses in the ward had adopted it as their own. The grin was however soon replaced by a yawn since the mixture of the medicine cocktails were starting to take effect. Every limb in his body was going numb and warm and the ripping pain in his stomach became just a dull ache. His eyelids were starting to become so heavy that he had a hard time holding them up and soon his mind started to wander off and before he knew it he was off to La la land.
The Land where no pain could break through and there was nothing but bliss.
