A brother to brother talk?
Aaron swallowed hard. He wanted to, and yet he didn’t want to hear what his brother had to say. What if he would be saying something terrible? Like that he only had a month to live! Shivering despite the heat, he felt all the emotions build up inside him. They were so mixed that it was making him feel ill and dizzy. Looking under his bangs at his brother, he saw that Nick was just as nervous as he was.
The older man licked his lips. "You know..um..I´ve kind of..um..you..know..um..seen it." He stuttered desperately, " Dammit I can´t do this. I sound like a dumbass don´t I?"
Even if it was a serious moment, Aaron couldn´t help but smile, "Yeah you do," he said honestly, adding, "dork!"
"Hey!" Nick laughed, "man I knew it..I should have stuck with telling you about the birds and the bees."
"The birds and the bees?" Aaron was playing dumb.
Nick fidgeted a bit nervous. "Yeah you know..the bees!" There was annoyance in his tone of voice. "Oh!" Aaron laughed, "you mean sex!"
"Yeah!" Nick’s head bobbed up and down, relieved that his little brother finally caught the picture.
"There’s no need to do that since I already know how it works." Aaron grinned widely like a cat that caught a bird.
"What!" Nick’s voice went shrill in the same way it always went when he got upset. Then realizing that his little brother was telling the truth he surrendered, running a hand over his face, "I don´t like it!"
"Too bad cause I do." Aaron grinned even wider. It was fun noticing his brother blushing. The mighty Nick Carter who could get any girl that he wanted, almost.
"My God you´re just a kid Aaron!"
"I´m fourteen!" There was a hint of annoyance in the teen’s voice.
Nick shook his head repeatedly, "Like I said. A kid. Dude you´ve barely got out of your diapers." Aaron shot him a look that could have been translated ’drop dead’. Nick chuckled.
"Well let´s say that I´ve done more than that."
"Does mom know?" There was doubt in his brother’s voice.
"Excuse me? What does mom have to do with my sex life?" Now it was Aaron’s turn to raise his voice.
"Well for a start you´re underaged.
"Duh!"
Nick frowned "Shit, when I was your age I had barely kissed a girl, let alone think about getting into her pants."
"Times change Bro´" Aaron laughed loudly, "and you´re getting old and soon you’ll be a stiff corpse." He was throwing a comment like they did when they were playing not thinking what he was saying when he stopped himself abruptly,. "Fuck!" "What?" Nick didn´t seem to have any idea why his brother was using such a strong word. Aaron on the other hand knew exactly. He had joked about Nick being dead. Once again he wanted to knock himself out. He was such a looser. Just when he was about to apologize a thought hit him. How the heck had Nick managed to turn a sad moment into one big joke? It was only his brother that could pull something like that off. Suddenly he felt mad.
"Was it me or you that we were going to talk about? If this is the kind of brother to brother speech you want to have, then spare me." Aaron couldn´t help but feel like he was on an emotional rollercoaster and Nick joking around didn’t help anything. On the contrary it just made him more nervous for what news his brother was about to come clean with.
"I guess you’re right." Nick said feeling a bit guilty. He picked up a long dry blade of grass biting on it. Instantly his facial expression became more serious. "You know AC I´ve seen your face when I mention my ca....you know my sickness." He studied his little brother’s face searching for emotions.
"And ever since I find out about my disease I´ve been trying to find a way for us to talk about this, you know, but it´s kind of hard." He swallowed, "You know that I have Hodgkins Disease right?"
Aaron listened without making a move.
"They had me on radiation and chemoteraphy for a while and during this time I was as sick as a dog." Nick shivered in the hot sun.
"Are you cold?" Nick shrugged, "A bit but let me continue with this now..so anyway, I got first radiation and then chemoteraphy and it was making me sicker then a dog."
"Yeah..I know. Ma and Dad told me."
"They did? Oh..Ok.What are they saying anyway?"
"Nick!" Aaron saw the pattern of not wanting to talk. He was trying to change the subject. "Ok, Ok!" Nick held up his hands, "I know..." He thought for a moment before continued, "Anyway I got really sick and then my stomach started to hurt too and now they have found this lump, that was why I was in the hospital and had surgery yesterday."
"Yeah and the nosebleed." Aaron added quickly.
"The nosebleed?" Nick eyes darkened. "Who told you about this?"
"Rok."
"Ok..Figures," Nick shook his head with disgust. "The lump can be good but it can also be ba..bad."
Aaron nodded, not knowing what to say or what to do. A silent tear found itself out of the corner of his eye, running down his cheek. Quickly he wiped it away with the back of his hand. It was important not to let Nick see how sad he really was. Instead he had to be strong. Strong for his brother.
"Don´t," Nick took away his brother’s hand that came away wet since more tears trickled down his face. "You know it´s ok....it´s ok to cry." Swallowing hard Nick continue, "I do that too..all the time."
This statement had taken Aaron by surprise and he had to look away or he was sure that he would start bawling his eyes out. It was all getting too much and it was making him dizzy, almost sick to his stomach. In an distant he heard Nick continue.
"The doctor has decided to put me on a higher dose of chemo and I dont want to do it since I´ll be even sicker and that I don´t know if I can take it." Nick covered his face in his hands as he uttered the last words.
"You have to do it!" Aaron said firmly.
"I do..don’t know anymore." Nick shook his head. "I dont know if I can bare to be sick 24/7. All the time. You know that sucks so much."
"So it’s better to die then?" Aaron didn´t know where the words came from but suddenly out they there. With such force that he didn’t have time to stop it.
Nick looked back at him, his eyes filled with pain and grief and he spoke slowly, "No Aaron, it doesn’t have to be like that.." He didn´t have a chance to finish his sentence before Aaron interrupted him. Standing up, screaming at him.
"Why are you doing this Nick? You´re going to die if you don´t do the chemo and you know it." Tears streamed down the teen’s face, Nick watching with fright in his eyes. "Dammit Nick you have cancer! Not some kind of fucking flu that you can play around with! We all know it...you will die if you don’t get treatment!"
He paused before continuing, shaking in his whole body, "But maybe that’s what you want! To die!"
"NOOO Aaron you don´t understand." Nick was crying too. "Noo, I dont want to die but I dont want to be sick either."
"Well you better start facing the fact that you are sick and if you don’t start to cooperate you will die." The teen spat out the words like they burned. "I hate you doing this to yourself!" With that, Aaron sank down on the ground, crying, his legs not carrying him anymore. It felt like his whole world collapsed and he couldn´t take it any longer. It was all too much to cope with.
"Aaron.." Nick crawled over to him, hugging him hard "Aaron baby," he said softly "It´s ok to be scared." He stopped for a moment, whispering, "I’m scared too."
