If there was one thing Brian Littrell had been taught it was to trust his instincts. Spending 24/7 with the guys on the road for almost ten years had taught him that whenever he sensed something was not right he would go with that feeling. His gut instincts often proved him to be right and whenever something was off with one of the band members he could sense it miles away before they were telling him. This worked especially good when it came to Nick. Today, coming back from the supermarket after picking up some groceries, his instincts instantly told him that something was wrong. The thick tension in the atmosphere combined with the deafening silence sent his nerves into overdrive the moment he stepped into the house.
"Hellooo???" He called out tentively, surprised that he didn't get a response back. "Iīm baaack," he yelled once again just to be met with... silence. Frowning he carried the paper bags with groceries into the kitchen, placing them on the counter. Picking up his ears he thought he heard a muffled noise coming from the living room. It sounded like someone was crying.
Intent to find out who it was, he walked with hasty steps into the living room just to be met with a view of Aaron curled up into a ball on the sofa and Howie and AJ sitting next to him; Howie by the teen's head and AJ by his feet. They were both talking softly to him as Aaron was crying furiously, his head buried into a mountain of pillows.
The first thought that crossed Brian's mind was Nick! Something must have happened with his friend. He had to stop himself from crying out, asking what had happened, but his senses told him to stay silent. Not upsetting the boy even further. He coughed to make himself known in the room. The two older men looked up, nodding briefly at him in recognition before turning their attention back to the sobbing teen.
Brian wanted nothing more than to run up the stairs to see if everything was all right with Nick when Howie seemed to be reading his mind stated, "Kev is up with him."
"Ok." The words said everything. His cousin had a great hand with Nick and Howie's tone of voice told him that Kevin would take care of everything and that the sick man needed his privacy. He sat down on the armchair next to the sofa, running a hand over his face in a tired gesture. "What happened?"
"He got sick again." Their was no further explanation as AJ sighed heavily, "It was bad!"
No further words needed to be said. The tired, defeated expression on AJīs face said it all. Brian nodded. What else could he do? Over the past months they had seen their friend sick more times than during their nine years together and coming from someone who had the habit of catching every germ within miles it was not a good sign.
"Nick was so sick," Aaron mumbled shakily, sobbing into the pillow. "I thought he was going to die." It was clear that the vision of seeing his brother so sick had scared the teen very much. It must have been a bad spell since Nick rarely wanted anyone to see how sick he was. Brian knew that Nick had done his best to keep his composure, pretending that he was feeling much better than he was, just so Aaron wouldnīt be scared or worried. Being the actor that he was he had succed very well up until now.
"Why? Why is he so weak?" Aaron demanded.
Brian watched as Howie stroke a strand of blonde hair away from the teen's forehead. "It's the side effects of the medication. It can make you pretty sick when you're not used to it." It was only partly true since Nick wasn't on any chemotherapy or radiation right now. He was scheduled for an appointment later on in the week, but that was another matter. It was better to tell a white lie since it wouldnīt upset the teen as much as the truth. They all knew that it was the cancer inside Nick's body that was slowly eating their friend up, from the inside and out, making him more and more tired each passing day.
"Yeah kid," AJ nodded, "Itīs that chemo stuff that is making him throw up so bad." It was partly true.
"When Nick is done with the medication he will be much better. The cancer tumor will shrink and he will be fine again."
Aaron looked up, his face red-rimmed with tears, "He will?"
Brian couldnīt bare to see the young teen so sad. He knew that Aaron looked up so much to his older brother and if something happened to Nick Aaron would be devistated. "Dīis right," he heard himself saying. "Once he is done with the meds he will be all better again."
"Will the cancer be all gone then?" There was a hint of hope in the boy's eyes. A hope that neither of them wanted to take away.
"Yes," Brian said with a weak smile. "Yes Aaron I hope so." He ruffled the boy's head and was expecting a smile back, instead the teen shook his head several times.
The tears streamed down the boy's face as he spoke. "But if he will be getting better, why is he getting sicker all the time?" The words were spit out fast like Aaron was afraid to ask them.
There was silence in the room. Neither of the men had any soloutions. When nothing was said Aaron continued with a choked voice, "Nick is going to die, isnīt he?"
All of the men jerked, not much but enough to be noticed. Aaron's words hurt them more than they cared to admit. He was uttering what they all carried inside their heart, fearing most of all. That their little brother wouldn't make it.
"No Nick will make it." The words came out more doubting that Brian intended it to.
"NO, NO..Youīre lying!" The words were spit out like venom. Aaron stood up hastily from the sofa, surprising them all. "You're all lying to me..thinking that I'm some kind of stupid kid that understands nothing!" He was screaming loud and angry. Howie did a futile attempt to calm him down, but Aaron shook the Latino's arm away. "I'm so tired of you are all saying things..saying that my brother is going to be fine when I know..I know.." Tears were now streaming down the teen's face. "When I know that he is going to die!!"
Brian didn't know what to say. They were all silent, listening to Aaron screaming out the words like a cry for help. "No," he said a bit agitated, "No you think that I dont see...That I donīt see that he is getting weaker every day. That the cancer is killing him.." Aaron choked back a sob and Brian felt an instant need to hug him. But AJ was there before him. He could see the younger man wrapping his arms around Aaron, holding him tight like he had done last night, not wanting to let him go even if Aaron was kicking and screaming over being held down.
" Take it easy kid," AJ said repeatedly as Aaron was doing his best to get free.
"GET OFF ME!" he yelled over and over again, "Get off me or Iīm fucking kicking you."
But AJ held on.
"We know that you're feeling sad. That it hurts to see your brother this sick. Believe me I know..." Howie said, the pscycologist in him speaking. Whenever someone was feeling down they turned to Howie for some advice and a good shoulder to lean upon. Nick had said at one occasion that whenever D' got tired of singing he should change his profession and become a school counselor. They had all laughed at Nick's suggestion but now Brian didnīt think that it was so far fetched. Howie was a great listener and it wasnīt for nothing they had named him sweet D'.
Aaron stopped the struggle for a bit, looking over at the Latino who continued, "You know I watched my sister getting sicker each day that passed. It hurt so much and I didnīt want to let anyone see how sad I was." Howie drew his breath back. Both Brian and AJ looked over at the Latino. Even if they had known Howie for so long he rarely told anything about himself. Caroline had been a topic that he had barely touched over the years. Instead their friend often kept it all to himself.
"Sometimes I would wake up late at night wondering what would happen to my sister..if she would die or not...you know it all happened so fast for me so I didn't have time to even understand that she was as sick as she was." There were tears forming in Howie's eyes. "But I do know that she didn't want me to take out anything in advance..you know start to mourn before something happened so I did my best not to. Instead I enjoyed every minute that I had with her."
They were all listening and Aaron had finally stopped struggling too.
"I knew that Caroline would die, there was no way of curing her disease so all we could do was to try and live the best we could. I know that many people have asked me if I felt bad for not spending more time with her but to that I have to say No. The only thing I feel really bad of is that I missed her death, but then instead I got to remember her alive and that is worth alot." He smiled although a tear trickled down his cheek. Howie let it be, not bothering to wipe away the tear at all. "So Aaron." He laid his hand on the teen's shoulder, "What I want to say to you is that Nick is getting medications and the doctors have still said that he has a chance of survival when he gets the medication. As long as we have faith that he will get well, Nick has faith too and as they say: Faith can move mountains.
Brian looked stunned at Howie. D' wasn't much of a talker but when he said something it usually made alot of sense and had them all thinking.
AJ was the first to regain his composure. "Yeah kiddo, listen to D' when it comes to stuff like this. He knows what he's talking about." There was a slight grin on the rebels face. "You know Nick is a tough cookie and he'll pull through."
"You really think so?" The glimmer of hope was back in his eyes again.
"Yes kiddo." AJ ruffled the blonde's hair. "Right guys?" He turned to the rest of them, asking or rather pleading for them to follow his line.
Howie was the first one to agree. "Yes Aaron, Nick will beat this."
"For sure?" Aaron sat down on the sofa again. The sadness slowly dimishing. Turning to Brian he aksed, "Is that true Rok?"
Surprised to be asked such a question Brian did his best to put on a smile. There was no use in upsetting this child even more. "Yes Aaron," he heard himself saying, "Yes D and Bone are right. Nick will make it." The more he said it the more he became certain that he was telling the truth. For the first time he felt hope in his heart. Nick was going to make it. For real.
