Nick laid in bed in a daze, staring at the window. He hadn’t uttered a word to anyone that came by to visit, nor had he spoken with anyone on the hospital staff. He had basically shut himself off from everyone and everything.
“Hello Nick, I’m Doctor Price.”
Slowly closing his eyes, Nick didn’t wish to engage in a conversation with anyone, especially another doctor. He decided that this was just another one of his mother’s schemes to get him to agree to go to Los Angeles so she could run his life.
He was convinced that everyone was against him and he had to fend for himself.
“Dr. Andersen wanted me to stop in and chat with you.”
Nick kept his eyes closed. In his mind he felt that if they thought he was sleeping people would leave him alone and go away.
“I know you’re not asleep, you need to talk to me about what’s going on.”
’Boy this woman sure is persistant,’ Nick thought, a bit irritated.
“I can wait this out as long as you’re content on playing oppossum.”
Nick rolled his eyes underneath his closed lids.
“Do you want me to leave?”
’Wow...she really is perceptive,’ Nick thought darkly.
“I’ll leave when you tell me what’s going on.”
He could hear the scuffle of her feet on the tile. He had learned to recognize the sounds of people’s footsteps and knew the sound of Brian’s from Kevin’s or his favorite nurse’s. The creaking of the chair indicated that she had sat down next to his bed, the faint smell of her perfume made his stomach churn. ’Didn’t anyone tell her that perfume made him sick right now?’
“I’m waiting.....like I said, I’ll leave when you tell me what’s going on.”
As much as he wanted to keep quiet, he wanted her and her smelly scent out of his room. He finally caved in.
“I just want to be left alone please.”
“Ah.....you are awake.”
“I thought you said you knew I was.”
“Yes, but I wasn’t sure.”
“So you lied to me then.”
“I just want to talk to you about some stuff....”
“I really don’t feel like sharing things with strangers, okay?”
“It won’t go anyplace but here Nick.”
“I really don’t want to tell you or anyone what I have to say, okay? Just leave me alone.”
“Why do you want to be left alone?” the doctor pressed.
Sighing heavily, Nick focused his attention back to the window. The doctor waited a few moments for him to respond before she prodded him again. “Please tell me....why do you want to be left alone? Is it because of what your mother told you?”
Nick jerked and looked at the woman with hard eyes. “Who told you about that?”
“You tell me what you think I know.”
Nick laughed sarcastically as he shook his head. He started picking at the thin green blanket on his bed. “You mean how she wants me to be ten years old again?”
“Is that what you think she wants?”
He never took his attention off the blanket. “Yeah.....it’s pretty clear to me that’s what she wants.”
“Why do you think that?”
“Oh....I dunno.....just the part about ‘as soon as you’re able to, I’ve made arrangements for you to be taken care of by the best cancer specialist in the states and I will move you out to Los Angeles so I can take care of you.’ Correct me if I’m wrong but that sounds to me like she wants to run my life.”
“She only said that because she loves you and is worried about you...”
“She never really loved me... she loved the mon....shit....just forget about it. I’ve talked now please leave me alone!”
“Tell me more....”
“No! I said I was done!”
“It’s been three days since you threw her out of your room.....three days since you’ve spoken to anyone,” the doctor recounted as the tears that were welling up in Nick’s eyes threatened to spill.
”GO!”
“You have to face this.....”
”GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!”
Dr. Prince opened her mouth to try and convince her patient that he needed to speak but was stopped when he pulled his nurse call light out of the socket, setting the CODE alarm off. Within seconds, five nurses rushed into the room, expecting to find their patient in cardiac arrest.
”GET THAT WOMAN OUT OF MY ROOM NOW!”
“I’m leaving Mr. Carter, but you cannot keep running from this. I will be back in a few days.”
Nick’s eyes bore through her skull as he stared at her. His heart was pounding so fast and hard, it felt as if it would leap out of his chest. The anger he felt well up inside of him was the same feeling he had roughly three days ago when his mother tried to run his life.
“Nick you know better than to pull that cord out unless it’s a true emergency,” an older nurse chastised.
“I just want people to leave me alone,” he mumbled, returning his gaze back out the hospital window.
Kevin Richardson quietly entered his young brother’s room. As usual, he found Nick sleeping and he was careful not to wake him from his much-needed rest. He gingerly stepped over to the chair that was positioned in the corner over the room and slowly eased his lanky body into the soft chair.
“Why are you here?”
Kevin jumped when he heard Nick’s gravely voice. “I thought you were sleeping, I’m sorry.”
“I told everyone not to bother coming up here anymore...why are you here?”
Kevin sighed heavily as he looked at Nick’s pale form, wrapped in blankets. “Nick, why do you have to be so dang stubborn?”
“It’s my choice and I’m not being stubborn......I just don’t think you guys need to waste your lives catering to me....I’m not gonna live much longer anyway, you have your lives to live...”
“Nickolas Carter!”
“It’s true......I’m not going to be around for very much longer....I know I’m not...”
“Why would you even say such a thing?” Kevin interrupted.
“I dunno.... just a feeling.”
“Nick, you can’t give up on yourself, we are counting on you getting your butt better so we can start planning on our future, you can’t even possibly think of giving up when you realize that there are a bunch of people counting on you.....people you don’t even know....”
“Save the speech.”
“Listen......you pushed other people away but you don’t realize that I’m just as stubborn as you are and I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me.”
“Suit yourself but I’m not gonna be good company.”
“I don’t care...... I think I’ve seen the worst of you so far so I doubt you could do anything that would scare me away.”
The silence that fell between the two men was thick, not to mention the tension that was in the air. After several minutes had passed, Nick finally relented when he realized that he couldn’t stand it any longer.
“Um Kev?”
“Yeah?”
“I need help getting up....”
“Getting up?”
“Yeah I want to use the bathroom and I’m not gonna use no fricken bedpan or that damn bedside commode. I wanna use the real thing,” Nick explained quietly, his face a mixture of embarrassment and sickness.
“Are you sure you’re suppose to be doing that?”
“Not by myself,” Nick grunted as he managed to pull his body into a sitting position on the edge of the bed.
“Tell me what you want me to do...” Kevin asked as he rushed up to the side of the bed.
“Just take ahold of my arm and for God’s sake, don’t let me fall.”
Kevin looked wearily at the IV poles that were situated on either side of his young brother. Although they had removed the central line, Nick still easily had seven or eight bags hanging from the poles.
“Are you sure that you should be doing this?” Kevin questioned again.
“Yes I’m sure,” Nick replied, irritation evident in his voice.
Taking a deep breath in as he walked to the opposite side of the bed, Kevin manipulated the IV pole around to the same side that Nick was sitting. “How can we do this.......”
“I’ll take this pole and you can take the other one,” Nick stated with confidence in his voice.
Kevin looked at the poles, an eyebrow raised in question. He wasn’t sure if this was something either one of them needed to be doing and he was afraid that Nick would be hurting himself in the process. He positioned himself beside Nick and the IV pole he was to be guiding. Tenderly, he placed a hand on Nick’s upper arm. “I gotcha.”
Mentally going over the process of how he had been instructed to stand up earlier, Nick planted his feet, shoulder width apart on the tiled floor. Shakily, he slowly stood on his feet, gasping when pain from his surgical incision made it’s presence known.
“Are you alright?”
“Fine,” Nick grunted through gritted teeth. “Keep going.”
Nick’s slow, shaky steps had Kevin wondering if this was something he honestly should be doing. He hadn’t heard that they were allowing Nick to walk and he was mentally questioning Nick’s insistance that he could be doing this *on his own without medical assistance.*
After a few long, agonizing minutes, they finally reached his goal, Nick’s now noramlly pale complextion flushed and sweaty. “I can manage from here,” he panted. He braced for Kevin to release the firm grip on his arm.
“I don’t think you can.”
“Listen, it was bad enough that I was forced to shit in a pan the size of a tea cup in front of an audience, I think I know what my limits are and I’d really like some privacy for a change!”
“I’m glad to see your stubborn side hasn’t been affected.....sorry, but I’m taking your stubborn butt in there.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t,” he protested.
“Nick, I’ve been through a lot with you lately, this is just part of the process of getting better, besides, wouldn’t you rather it be me instead of a woman?”
Nick hesitated for a moment and then a smile spread on his face. “You are a woman.....”
Kevin lightly slapped Nick on the shoulder. “Just get your boney butt in there..”
That was something that Nick thought he would never hear any of the guys call him after years of being called a fatass now he was being dubbed ‘boney butt.’ He smiled despite himself.
He couldn’t reach the toilet fast enough and it took everything in him to prevent an accident from happening. “Kev, I think I can manage from here.”
“Nope.... you’re stuck with me at your side, sorry.”
“I really don’t want you to see this....”
“Nick, I think I’ve seen everything, don’t worry so much and let me help you for crying out loud.”
“So you’re not gonna leave?”
“Nope.....why is this bothering you so much?”
“I dunno......”
“Awww Nick, don’t feel embarrassed.....it will get better again......I know it will.”
Nick looked at his brother with tearfilled eyes. “It’s so embarrassing though...I’m sick of having this.”
“Nick don’t worry about it, it’s something you can’t help. Seeing you like this reminds me so much of my father when he got sick. It’s hard to watch someone you care about go through this. I kinda know how you feel after watching my father.”
“They probably get sick of changing the sheets I guess,” Nick remarked as he wiped his eyes with a finger. “A nurse told me that diarrhea is the body’s way of getting rid of something that is bad in your system.....you know, like toxic stuff.......I suppose it’s gonna be this way until I adjust to the higher chemo and the tube stuff they’re giving me.”
Kevin wrapped his arms around Nick in a fatherly hug, saying nothing as he rubbed his brother’s back.
“I need help sitting down,” Nick asked quietly. Kevin quickly pulled away and instantly help guide his brother. “Could I be alone for this?”
“I don’t know....”
Nick looked up at Kevin. “I’m not going anywhere and I swear I’ll call you when I’m done.”
Kevin didn’t budge from where he was standing.
“I’m serious!”
Folding his arms across his chest, the dark haired man sighed. “That’s not what I’m worried about......I’m afraid you’ll feel sick or faint or something like that...”
“I said I’m gonna be fine, you gotta believe me.....I swear I’ll call you if anything happens okay? Please, can’t I be by myself for once?”
Reluctantly, Kevin edged his way out of the bathroom. “Just so you know, I’m gonna be standing outside the door.” Seeing the look of dismay on Nick’s face he quickly added, “with the door slightly open.”
“Geeze....this isn’t exactly the privacy I had in mind.”
“It’s this way or I stay in here.”
“Okay....okay......Can you at least go watch tv or something.....please!”
Kevin grinned at Nick’s self consciousness. The guy had practically grew up on the road stripping his clothes off and doing other normal things in front of him and now all of a sudden, Nick had grown modest. He decided he could understand the embarrassment of the situation and granted, if he had been in it himself, he would probably want to hold onto some sort of dignity.
Walking over to the bed, Kevin tried to make himself busy by straightening up Nick’s sheets and blankets, smoothing the wrinkles out of the linens.
“Where is Nick?”
Kevin turned to adress the woman’s voice. “He’s in the bathroom.”
“Oh, a nurse answered his call light,” she stated more to herself than Kevin.
“No.....I helped him in there.”
Quickly, the nurse laid the items she had carried into the room, on the table and rushed toward the bathroom. “By himself?”
Kevin followed the older woman. “He said it was okay.....I didn’t know he wasn’t suppose to be left alone.”
Ignoring Kevin’s explanation, the nurse knocked on the door. “Mr. Carter.....I need to come in.”
“God....leave me alone!”
“You know you’re not suppose to be up walking unless someone is with you!”
“I told you I helped him,” Kevin snapped.
“I’m coming in!”
”NOOOOOOO!”
The nurse burst into the bathroom finding Nick still sitting down, an angry and embarrassed look on his face. “You better not try to pull this stunt again.”
“All I wanted was to be left alone for a few minutes,” Nick mumbled.
“Believe me, I honestly know what you’re telling me and I understand your feeling of being monitored too much, but you’re too weak to be doing any of this on your own. Just use the call button and we’ll all get along.”
When the nurse turned her back to look at Kevin, Nick rolled his eyes in a dramatic way, and Kevin quickly had to bite his bottom lip and look away before he started laughing.
“I’ll leave the door open.....as we’ve done in the past and you tell me when you’re finished so we can help you back to bed.”
“It would be pretty damned obvious when I’m finished don’t you think?” Nick shot back sarcastically.
“Do you really think that’s necessary?” Kevin asked the elderly nurse.
“When he’s on my clock...yes, it is necessary,” the nurse spat.
“Where’s Kara?”
“Vacation day.”
“Who’s Kara?” Kevin questioned.
“She’s like the only good nurse I have around here,” Nick stated crisply.
“Kara has a passion for letting her patients control her, however, I run things by the book and the only way you’re going to recover is by the book young man.”
“Can you close the door now so I can do what I wanted to do in the first place without an audience?” Nick stared at the nurse as he waited for her reply. After a few moments when the woman didn’t answer him, he made an attempt to stand up on his own.
”SIT BACK DOWN!”
“Then let me have some goddamn privacy!”
Sighing, the nurse reluctantly pushed the door partway closed, leaving a good space away from the door jamb.
“I have never in my life had a patient as stubborn as this young man,” the nurse sputtered.
“Looks like Nick’s met his match,” Kevin chuckled.
The redheaded nurse shook her head as she walked over to the bedstand to line up the IV bags and gather a few items from the locked medicine cabinets. Kevin watched with curiousity as she lined three cans and a large syringe and what looked like a water bottle on the table.
“What’s all that for?”
“It’s his nutrition,” the nurse stated mechanically.
Kevin picked up a can and looked at the label. “Ultracal?”
“That’s what his doctor ordered for him.”
“So this is what he gets for food now?”
“Yes.”
“That doesn’t look like much.”
“He gets this four times a day, equal to 3,000 calories.”
“Oh.”
Kevin’s next question was interrupted when Nick called out that he was ready to get back up. The nurse hurried over to the bathroom, Kevin in tow. No one made any comments as Nick was helped back to a standing position and slowly helped back to his bed. When he was finally situated in the bed, the nurse told him that he was going to learn how to do his own tube feedings.
“I was hoping I’d be off that crap when I get discharged,” Nick muttered.
“Sorry, but I can estimate that you’ll probably be on this for at least another three maybe four months,” the nurse stated mechanically.
“Oh boy,” Nick rolled his eyes.
“You know you have to be responsible for administering your feedings once you’re discharged from the hospital.....are you his patient caregiver?”
“I guess you could say I’m one of them....yeah,” Kevin replied.
The nurse went over each piece of equipment with Nick, telling him what they were and how many times a day he had to “hook up” to the pack that was going to be provided for him. She also stressed the importance of flushing the tube line out each time with sterile saline and the importance of giving himself the potassium and the vitamins that will be liquid. The bad side effects would be nausea for roughly thirty minutes after absorption.
“Good thing you aren’t getting sick from the chemo,” Kevin pointed out.
“Yeah, that would be a wonderful thing to have ontop of this shit.”
The nurse didn’t add anything to the men’s observations, she chose to let them have the belief that Nick was out of the woods with his prolonged nausea and vomiting from the chemotherapy.
“Okay Nick, I’m going to watch you.....” the nurse stated as she stood back, arms folded across her chest.
“Ick.....this stuff smells like shit,” Nick commented as he poured the gooey substance into the sterile IV bag. He followed the nurse’s instructions to the letter and to an outside observer, Nick appeared to be an old pro at hooking himself up and setting the IV rate at 70ml. Once he was finished, he settled back into his pillows, a slight grin on his lips, obviously satisfied with his accomplishment.
“I’m impressed,” the nurse mused. “I was planning on going over this with you several times.”
“You only have to tell me something once.”
As the nurse started to pick up the cans and syringes, a soft knock grabbed everyone’s attention in the room. Nick leaned back further to see who was in the doorway. His mouth dropped open when he saw his father standing there with Brian, both with sad expressions on their faces.
