They had only traveled two miles when Kevin sighed loudly. Okay you wanna talk about it?
Catching a glare at his cousin Brian jerked in his seat "Huh?"
"Somethings wrong..I can tell."
The younger Kentuckian absently scratched his forearm as he looked out the passenger side window. Nothing is wrong, he lied.
Kevin nodded with a slight smirk on his face. Yeah, nothing is wrong....sure.
I told you itīs nothing!Brian snapped.
Then why are you getting so adgitated?
Brian raked a hand through his hair. Because you keep asking me whats wrong! He was thankful when Kevin grew silent; it appeared to Brian that he was finally dropping the subject until the car had to stop for a traffic light.
Kevin looked over at his cousin, lowing his sunglasses. Brian, I dont want to keep pushing you on this, but its kinda obvious when something is bugging you when you barely said goodbye to Aaron, AJ and I dont know what the hell that was with Howie.......cmon, please talk to me, you cant get on that plane with all that emotional baggage.
"I dont have any emotional baggage!" Brian was in no mood of talking and this he showed clearly. Keeping his eyes focused on his lap he ran the palms of his hands back and forth over his jeans.
"What are you nervous about? Donīt you think you made the right desicion?" Kevin asked while speeding up as the traffic light turned green.
"Huh? Why do you think Iīm nervous?" Brian asked biting his lip.
"Youīre doing that gesture that you always does when you dont wanna talk."
"What gesture?" His voice went up an octave. Why did Kevin always have to bugg him so much? Couldnīt he leave him alone?
"Oh stop it," Kevin sneered before adding, "You always rub the palms of your hands on your jeans when you dont wanna talk. And bite your lip. Just like Nick does. I swear that sometimes itīs like you two are brothers." He chuckled lightly.
"So?" Brian started to feel annoyed. What business had his cousin in questioning him like this? And what did it matter if he was īso like his "little brother" Nick after all they had practically grew up together so it would be wierd if they hadnīt taken on their habits too.
To his surprise Kevin slowed down, steering the car to the side of the road while cars were honking irritated behind them. Ignoring this he turned the engine off, "Ok. Are you gonna come out and tell me what is bothering you or do I have to drag it out from you?"
Startled over this unpredictable move Brian looked at him, angry, "What are you doing? Are you out of your mind? First you are questioning if I am nervous or not and now you are stopping the car in the middle of the highway!" He stared at Kevin who made no gesture to start the engine, noticing this he continued, "We have to get going. If you havenīt forgot I have a plane to catch!"
"I know," Kevin said slowly, still ignoring the honking cars, "but I ainīt leaving until you start telling me what is bothering you."
'God!' Brian slapped a hand at his forehead. 'Why did Kevin have to be this stubborn?' Glaring at his cousin his mind raised through with all kinds of thoughts. The worst thing was that he knew that Kevin was right. That he wouldnīt move the car until he talked so it was better that he spilled his guts before they got a car in their tail.
"Ok..Ok.." the younger man held up his hands in deffense, "If I say whatīs on my mind will you pleeaaaseee start the car and get to the airport?" He was begging now.
"Sure. Talk then." His hand was on the ignition key.
"Do you think Iīm being too negative about Nick?"
The words surprised Kevin so much that he turned towards his cousin, " Negative? What do you mean? Is this what Howie told you?" He rose his eyebrows.
"NO!" Now he regretted his words the second he said them. "Forget it."
But the cat was out of the bag and there were no way that Kevin would let something like this slip. Noticing his cousins hawkeyes eyeing him he said with a sigh " Yeah you know...um..whatīs going on with him..you know like I canīt face that he is sick and all." Brian had a hard time finding the words and for a moment neither did Kevin. Instead the tall man pondered in silence while taking up the driving again.
"Do you feel guilty for leaving Nick to go home to Leigh-Anne?" Kevin was a man that wasnīt afraid to take a conflict, to tell the truth and these words hit right where they was suppose to. In the heart.
"Um..No." he lied.
"Yeah?" It was clear that Kevin didnīt believe him and now Brian desperatly wished that he hadnīt said anything. 'God why did he have to bring up that subject?' the words chanted inside his head. Why couldnīt he keep his mouth shut and pretend that everything was just fine and dandy and that he was so sure that heīd made the right desicion. Why did he have to screw up like this?
"No..No itīs nothing like that," he was quick in saying before Kevin would start asking even more questions. But the cat was out of the bag with no turning back.
"Then what is it? Why do you think that you are negative about Nick?" Kevin frowned with no intention of dropping the subject.
Sighing the younger man couldnīt do anything but tell his cousin and friend what was on his mind. Knowing the older man he wouldnīt be satisfield before heīd spilled the truth and it was better to end the process than to drag it out endlessly. "Itīs just that I donīt know if Iīm doing right with leaving Nick in the condition that he is in right now."
Kevin frowned.
His cousin was right after all. He felt guilty and now it felt like he had tons of responsibility on his shoulders that he coudnīt carry anylonger. It felt like he had a ton of weight resting on his shoulders.
A sign told them that they had to take off to the aiport and there were a brief silence while Kevin drove off the highway. Once they were on the right direction he turned his attentíon towards the younger man again, saying in a calm comforting tone, "Brian I know that this whole situation with Nick really hurt you and that you are afraid that something will happend with him while you are gone."
Brian started to object when Kevin rose a hand to stop him, "No..No wait..listen what I have to say." Knowing that there were no point in arguing with a determinded Kevin he gave up relutantly. "Ok."
"You feel guilty for choosing Leigh-Anne and the baby before Nick..that is understandable..but at the same time so wrong. You need to live your life and you canīt let Nickīs cancer get away from your own happiness. Lee needs you and the place you should be is with her." Listening to this Brian felt the urge to object and as Kevin continued, "You are Nicks patient advocate," he cut in, "Yes and I suppose to be with him."
Ignoring this comment the older man went on, "I said you are his patient advocate, but that doesnīt mean that you have to take on all responsibilty. Youīve done everything that you can right now and now itīs up to Nick to handle things. Beside you are needed by Leighs side."
Brian nodded mutely. He was taking in the words that Kevin was saying but he didnīt believe in them. There were still a nagging guilt inside his heart that told him that he was running away from it all instead of dealing with the pain. It was too hard to see his best friend that he had spent 24/7 with the last 10 years dying away. And he felt like a coward for thinking that.
They had either spent too much time together or Kevin was a mind reader since he said to him, "Brian you are not a coward. You are doing what you can due to how the situation is right now and I know that if you could you would stay with Nick. But I also know that you would never let yourself forget if something happend to Leigh-Anne and the baby."
Sighing Brian stared out off the window, mostly so he could hid the tears that burned in his eyes. The older man was right as always and that hurt him even more. TRuth was that he couldnīt bare top hear his wifes disappointed voice everytime he said that he would just stay a little longer. He wanted to be with her so bad, to share the pregnancy but he couldnīt do this while being here in Florida. Everything would have been so much easier if she didnīt have pre-contractions and the doctor had told her to take it slow.
"Brian!" His cousins dark voice cut through his thoughts. "Weīre here now. At the airport!"
"Oh!" He jerked once again, feeling stupid for spacing out so bad.
"Itīs allright," Kevin smiled gently at him, patting him comforting on the shoulder, "Itīs just that you were deep in thoughts and we have to get going so you wonīt miss your flight." His hand was on the doorhandle when Brian suddenly stopped him.
"Kevin?"
"Um?"
"Do you think I am doing the right thing? Tell me honestly?" His voice was filled with desperation, begging his cousin to say what he needed to hear. Begging him to take away some of the guilt that he felt.
"You know Brian," Kevin said in that southern Kentucky drawl, "you shouldnīt worry so much. Iīm sure Nicky will be fine. He has his family here..he has us. And we promise that we will look after him." Their was a brief chuckle, "besides he is just a couple of hours away if you want to come and visit him."
Kevin had done it again. Taken off some of his burden, made him feel at ease. With that in his mind he said, "Yeah Iīll guess your right. He will be just fine. You guys take good care of him.."
"We will!" Kevin chuckled. "Come on lets go now. Youīre getting late."
"Wait," Brian had something more on his mind, "there is something more.."
"Ok..spill it." The older man was already half way out of the door with his foot. On the run.
"Just tell him that I..that I love him."
There were a brief silence before Kevin turned to look at him, his eyes glassy, "You know Brian..he already knows that."
This made Brian smile for the first time in a very long time.
