How to Deal With Stalkers

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Stalkers
Defines the different types of stalkers and the way they tend to operate.

What to do
Suggestions on how  to try to stop the stalking.

Links
Section includes related links, causes and webrings.

Stalking is a much larger problem that most people realize. Estimates vary widely on how many people are victims of stalkers, but if it has happened to you or someone you know, you know that numbers do not matter. Being stalked is frightening, whether it is "cyber stalking"or "real life" stalking.

Knowledge is power and the more you know about stalking, This page is not an alternative to legal advice, however, and the suggestions are merely that - suggestions.
All cases are unique and common sense should be used always.

but If you feel you are in danger, seek help immediately!

What Stalking Is ....And Is Not

Stalking is a legal term that each country defines differently. What these legal terms generally boil down to is that stalking is a deliberate course of action that causes another person to be afraid.

These actions can include (but are not limited to) following, verbal threats, repeated phone calls, hang up calls, spying, harassment, bothering the friends, family, and/or co-workers of the victim ,letters and notes, e-mail, hiding outside your house, etc.

Stalking is not a violent crime. It may escalate to assault, rape, or murder, but these are separate crimes with separate charges. Stalking is not breaking and entering, battery, assault, pedophilia, child pornography, or any other crime.

Despite what you may have been led to believe in the recent fad to eliminate spam, spam has absolutely nothing to do with stalking. Spammers are trying to sell you something. They don't know who you are; all they know or care about is your e-mail address. Spamming is distasteful, but spammers are not stalkers!

To be perfectly clear - stalkers may or may not commit other crimes. Some stalkers never do more than something like repeat hang up phone callsto see if their object of attention is home or not. Others will kill. Thedifference between stalking and other crimes is that stalking is what thestalker does to make you afraid that he will commit the other crimes.

No matter how well you think you know your stalker (if you are acquainted at all), you should always treat your caseas if your stalker is one of the ones who will escalate to murder. Althoughthis may or may not be true, it will make you cautious. The more cautiousyou are, the more likely you are to protect yourself.

Who Are The Stalkers?

Forensic psychologists who have studied stalkers generally divide them into four general categories. Each stalker is different and may show signs from different categories.

1) Simple Obsessional
Thought to be the most common, in this kind of stalking, the stalker generally has a previous relationship with his victim. The relationship could be marriage, a romance, a friendship, a date, a co-worker, an employee, etc. Remember "Fatal Attraction"? Glen Close played a simple obsessional stalker. In "Sleeping With The Enemy", Julia Roberts was married to a simple obsessional stalker. They can be dangerous - don't let the word "simple" fool you!

These stalkers, being the most common, are also the most well studied. They are known to be generally immature, socially incompetent and unable to maintain relationships, jealous, insecure, paranoid, feel helpless and powerless, and have very low self esteem. If your stalker says, "You are my life," you should believe it. He thinks so little of himself that he believes literally that he is nothing without you. Because of this reasoning, he will often go to extreme measures to see to it that he gets you.

2) Love Obsessional
The stalking cases that make the news are the most dramatic and the most bizarre. When most people think of stalking, they think of John Hinkley shooting the President to impress Jodie Foster. John Bardo stalked the actress Rebecca Shaffer and shot her dead in 1989, and as a direct result, California passed the first stalking laws. Other states followed suit.

Those are examples of love obsessional stalkers. The good news is that they are reported to be only about a fourth as common as simple obsessional cases. The bad news is that the vast majority of these cases are ordinary people and not celebrities at all. That means that, yes, it could happen to you. If you thought you couldn't be stalked by a crazy stranger because you aren't famous, you were wrong.

Love obsessional stalkers tend to be persistent in their pursuit of their victims. These stalkers fantasize about the victim being a romantic partner, and when that fantasy clashes with reality, the stalker often tries harder and harder to get noticed. Increasingly drastic means may ensue. Negative or positive attention may not matter, as long as their victim notices and in noticing, becomes a part of the stalker's life.

3) Erotomania
Related to love obsessional is erotomania. These cases are usually women who actually believe that the victim knows and loves them. David Letterman had a woman who broke into his house and stole his car, and she insisted that she was Mrs. Letterman every time she was caught. She eventually committed suicide. These stalkers are characterized by mental problems including delusions. They truly believe that their fantasies are true. Less is known about these stalkers than the other types because they are often treated for their other mental problems rather than for the stalking behavior itself.

4) False Victimization Syndrome
In these very frustrating cases, the stalker may believe that he is the victim. Sometimes he even reports his victim to the police as having stalked him.

In these cases, the true stalker is usually the one who initiated contact, although this is not always so. In all cases, the stalker holds the victim in very high regard and will consciously or unconsciously imitate his victim's style, speech, dress, and habits. Some stalkers go so far as to buy a house with the same floor plan, trade in a car for a model like the victim's, or even make a career change to the victim's chosen profession. The stalker will rationalize his behavior by saying, "I can do it better". In reality, this kind of stalker suffers from a severe lack of self esteem. He feels very inferior to the victim whom he admires greatly, although he will rarely admit this to be true. These stalkers, believing themselves to be inferior to, or wronged or rejected by the ones they admire most, begin harassing and following the victims, spreading tales, keeping tabs, and in many instances plotting revenge. Very frequently these are same-sex stalkers.

In false victimization syndrome, the stalker is extremely manipulative. Very frequently he convinces himself and others that the victim is the one at fault, when in truth the victim frequently would have had no contact with or knowledge of the stalker if the stalker had not begun a campaign against him. Often the victim is reported to the authorities for defending himself from the stalker. You may hear from this stalker things like, "You are your own stalker" or, "You only know one side of the story." Frequently delusional and always irrational, when presented with the facts, this stalker will rationalize and manipulate everything he can and ignore even a direct question, in order to preserve his fantasy of being the victim. He will initiate conflicts and then twist them in his favor in an attempt to gain positive attention for himself. He wants, in a nutshell, to be like his victim and when he feels that he does not measure up, his motive is to bring his victim down. Sometimes this means merely trying to ruin his victim's reputation by spreading lies and rumors. Other times, this means murder.

What To Do If You Are Stalked

PART ONE: SAFETY
First of all, make sure that you are safe. If you feel threatened or unsafe, get the police involved.

Many people know their stalkers and are reluctant to do something about it. Some of their reasons are feelings of guilt, fear of looking foolish, or feelings of pity for the stalker. This is often the case with Offline stalkers an ex-boyfriend or girl-friend. You often hear,
"I feel terrible .... I broke up with him and I don't want to make him feel worse by calling the police on him. It's probably nothing. He'll stop."
Nice people think that way, but a stalker wont stop stalking because someone is nice. Niceness usually gives the stalker the power to continue stalking. If you have told him no and he is still after you, he probably isn't going to get tired of stalking you.

If you are afraid of looking foolish, don't be. Let someone else know! Even if it turns out to be nothing, you should have your case on record.   Don't minimize your situation or your fear. Tell them everything and give them details, even if it is embarrassing.  If you are afraid, say so, but avoid hysteria. Avoid emotional personal attacks on your stalker. Just give them the facts.

Some stalkers, male or female, are more likely to back off,   when another person - a witness- is present.

Tell everyone you know what you are going through. Alert other chatters your friends and relatives.  Tell everyone who this person is, what he is doing, and what you have done to stop him.

PART TWO: STOP THE STALKER
Tell your stalker in no uncertain terms, "NO!" Have a witness if possible. Do not try to be rude, but do not waste your energy trying to be polite. If you convey any sort of message other than "NO WAY" to your stalker, he is going to assume you meant "keep trying" and he wont quit. Without being antagonistic, tell this person to leave you alone. If you stalker calls you, tell him you will not talk to him. Don't say, "I can't talk to you." Instead, tell him, "I wont talk to you."

You are going to need to collect evidence. Do this as a precaution even if you do not intend to take any action. Every detail, no matter how small, is important. Some stalkers are very smart and it seems like they are hiding their identities. Maybe they are, but save everything anyway. Keep a journal of every single thing that happens. Leave nothing out. Include dates, times, witnesses, and detailed instances.

Many stalkers know that they can punch in a code to keep their name and phone number private. If possible, you can have calls marked "private" blocked. This way your stalker wont be able to get through to you unless he is willing to divulge his name and phone number. Other times stalkers will start using pay phones.

Some stalkers operate by getting your friends or family involved. Your stalker may badmouth you, try to get your friends on his side, or even threaten and intimidate your allies. If your stalker is badmouthing you, tell your friends your side of it. Let the facts speak for themselves.

Do not play games with your stalker.  The goal is to have no contact at all. Tell people to avoid or ignore this person, even if he appears to be nice. Stalkers are not nice people; they are manipulative people.

PART THREE: KNOWLEDGE IS POWER
Usually the more you understand about a situation, the better you are able to handle it. That's usually the case when you are being stalked. Learn everything you can about stalking and stalkers. You may never understand your stalker's mind, but you may learn what to expect. Most of all, you will know that you are not alone in being stalked.

Never respond to your stalker or turn the tables on him! You should, however, learn all you can about who your stalker is. There are many ways to search for information, locally and on the Internet. I highly recommend a visit to Be Your Own Private Investigator, an excellent site, for a comprehensive list of resources.

The Information on this page was taken from the website Stalked!
other interesting Links include!

Intimate Violence, Abuse, and Stalking: In Memory of Angela
Survivors of Stalking, Inc. (Tampa Bay area)
Unwanted/Offensive E-mail (what to do about it)
What to do About Harassment On-Line
Computer Crime Laws by State
Welcome to the National Victim Center
National Victim Center's Stalking Laws by State
CRIME ON THE SUPERHIGHWAY
Cyberangels - although it may seem somewhat alarmist that they do not differentiate between stalking and other crimes, you may find some helpful information.