|
|
| Once upon a time in a planet far,
far, far, far away there lived a peaceful race of people known as the GunnySacks.
The GunnySacks were alot like our purple people eaters, but with a few
modifications. Like their bright orange hair and big floppy arms. Here
we find our (so-called) "hero" Bob-JarJarBoinks-Luke. Or just Bob. ANYWAY,
Bob was not like the other Gunnysacks who hated alcohol in any way, shape,
or form. He was bestest friends with Qui-Gon-GinRummy after all...the Gunnysacks
thought Bob was Bad! Very very bad Bob! Bad bad bad! So they banished him
to the surface of the planet of Northern Macedonia. To live amongst thier
not quite enemy-rivals, the Macedonians. This is where Bob met his new
bestest friends (since Rummy was not avalible at the time...operators are
standing by...) SPAM-solo and his best friend and guardian furry person,
The Wookiee Childe. They had stopped to load up on pistachios because they
were low on ammo. And needed some food. "Ammo=food? Hmmm..." thought Bob.
SPAM-solo (like in Crooked Jack?) patiently explained to Bob how he and
Wookiee's main weapon was a Pistachio-Shell-Super-Duper-Radioactive-Nitrious-Powered-BB-Gun,
that ran off Pistachio shells. (Duh) Bob thought this was very odd, along
with the fact that SPAM-solo had to yell "WHY?!!?" everytime he fired.
Wookiee Childe found this very annoying and would sporadically yell "~LIDS!~"
to counteract the "Why?! WHY??!!!?" of SPAM-solo. SPAM-solo thought Bob
was strange but presented him with a Clickin' Gator and hired him on as
crew anyway. (insert sage nodding here) Bob was thrilled to finally have
a real job and thought he should write a song about it. He wanted to write
The Ballad of SPAM-solo but it just didn't have that certain 'je ne sais
quois' that it needed. So he thought that maybe the Ballad of Roby Bently
would work better. He wasn't real sure who Roby was (Dude, he has like
a road named after him!! WOW!!) but it sounded good. Wookiee Childe, who
could never get the ketchup out of the bottle, thought this was stupid
and suggested a song called "Pain and Blunder" because that's what he'd
get if SPAM-solo suddenly morphed into his counterpart, "EVIL SPAM!" Bob
thought this was a better name for a rocket ship however and was about
to suggest a song entitled "Large Daze of Factory Grace with Shoes" when
SPAM-solo hollered that "DANGIT!! I"M READY TO GO ALREADY!!" So they went
and no song writing happened that day because as we all know, you can't
compose while traveling at 77°. So, anyway, the threesome set off for
their adenture. SPAM-solo fired up the Pyscho Drive on the "Joesphine Paulette"
and they were off. A few moments later they arrived on the planet called
TattooParlor and Bob said "Jeez. That sucked! We're here already??" Wookiee
Childe said "Weeeeeeeell, it would have been better, but that was the quickie.
The JP has 3 speeds. Quickie, Oh My, and Herbal Essences Shampoo." Bob
was a wee bit confused, but oh well. (It's the Curse of the Bobs! NOOO!!!)
Anyway, they bailed out of the rocket ship. And wondered into the ONLY
town on TattooParlor, Gatenlinaburg. The streets were lined with tall narrow
buildings with rooftop swimming pools and tattoo parlors (hence the name
of the planet perhaps?) Bob was not sure what to think about this place....he
was afraid of the big scary man with the tattoo gun who kept chasing him
up and down the street though...there was only one street in Gatenlinaburg
dontcha know. How odd.....SPAM-solo wandered into his favorite bar, the
one where everybody knows your name, The "Slainte and Moose Call Pub" and
saw a vision of lovelyness in a purple tank top...It was Prince/ss ER!Lei!
SPAM-solo had often heard of ER!Lei's wisdom and general groovyness everywhere
he went in the universe. He ran up to ER!Lei and exclaimed "Ssssssssssocks!
ER!Lei! Kiss me ER!Lei! On my ear!!" ER!Lei laughed at SPAM-solo and said
"No way, mon, I'd rather kiss a Wookiee childe!! Hee hee!!" Wookiee Childe
took great offense for some reason and whacked ER!Lei on the head and said
"Dude! Don't say that! And swearing isn't bad! How ya been buddy, old pal,
old buddy?" ER!Lei and Wookiee Childe laughed and yelled "GROUP HUG!!"
Bob ran screaming out of the bar and SPAM-solo, Wookiee Childe and ER!Lei
had a grouphug, a good laugh at Bob and a Bass Ale. Then they went and
found Bob. He was deep in conversation with "HOLY WOOKIEE!!" yelled SPAM-solo.
"It's Obi Bon Jovi! Wookiee Childe! Check it out!!" Obi Bon and Wookiee
ran up and hugged each other like something out of a bad Wendy's commercial
(Wendy's has not changed in 147 years mind you. Yes they have had the equipment
to fry french fries that long. And don't you forget it!) and yelled "DUDE!!!!!"
ER!Lei yelled for another GROUP HUG!! and Bob was right smack in the middle
of this one. Bob wiggled his way out and stood on Obi Bon and ER!Lei's
heads and miracouslousy he spotted his good old bestest friend, Qui-Gon-GinRummy.
Bob flung himself toward Rummy and screeched "CATCH ME!!" Unfortunatly
at the precise moment when Rummy should have caught Bob, he spotted his
good buddy ER!Lei and Obi Bon, who was his student and/or walking ATM and
joined the GROUP HUG!! Bob fell right on top of a shaking spear that had
suddenly appeared where Rummy was standing, impaled himself and died. No,
WAIT! Bob was still alive!! It's a mircle!! THANK KEVIN!! Qui Gon and Obi
Bon pooled their collective RedEye efforts and levitated Bob off shakespear
and gently lowered him onto the dirty nasty road. (eeeewwww..) Bob cried
out in pain (like a silly girl at a Hanson concert who's been trampled)
"HOLY BUDGET TRUCK!! THAT HURT!!" Being a fairly new and somewhat yet untrained
RedEye Knight, Obi Bon left "The Healing of Bob" (sounds like a bad folk
song) to the older and somewhat wiser Qui Gon GinRummy. Rummy did a perfect
beer commercial grab and pulled a Harp out of the ice chest under his robe.
He took a sip and said "Harp. For all your Healing of Bob needs! Avalible
at a HupZupCup near you!" Then he took the money from the nice director
man (who enjoys yelling "CUUUTTT!!!" far too much) and proceeded to pour
the Harp onto Bob's gaping wound and the Very Super Absorbant Extra Large
Magic Band-Aid he would put on it. While Bob was being fixed up and bandaged,
Wookiee Childe said to Obi Bon, "Where the hell did that beer come from?"
Obi Bon replyed "Well, he just has alot of pockets under there." Wookiee
said "Well, what else has he got hidden under there? Is it refrigerated
too?" Obi Bon laughed and said "Hey!! Rummy!! Show 'em the stash!" Rummy
was thankful he'd put on his shorts that morning as he threw open his Standard
Issue RedEye Robe and displayed rows upon rows of nitrous cooled pockets
full of every kind of alcohol known to man, Wookiee, or Gunnysack. Wookiee
Childe's jaw hit the floor and she exclaimed "HOLY MONKEY BOY!!" SPAM-solo
said "Huh? Wha? Were you talking to me? OH MY KIRK!! LOOK AT ALL THE BEER!!"
Wookiee Childe and Bob ordered themselves a Harp, SPAM-solo made a nose
dive for the Guinness and Obi-Bon grabbed a Bass. (Rummy didn't get any...designated
driver and all..HA!) Bob shouted "CHEERS! SLAINTE!!" and drank his beer.
Wookiee and Obi Bon pondered his exclaimation for a moment and then said
to SPAM-solo "Isn't that a bit redundant?" Everyone but Bob got the joke
and had yet ANOTHER good laugh at his expense. SPAM-solo then asked Rummy
waht he was doing on TattooParlor and why he had the "ace-pupil/walking
ATM" with him so far from the "normal stomping grounds" for the RedEyes.
Rummy explained that he had felt a disturbance in The Fleece and had heard
rumours that a "rudiment of the ancient race of Anti-RedEye Warriors, the
Sifts, was running around on this planet, causing trouble. And was sent
here from the past by one known as Dank Vadar, with whom The Fleece was
strong, to help the Tray Federation take over the universe, but more specifically,
the universe starting with Northern Macedonia." NOOOOOOO!!!! (written in
sheer terror) SPAM-solo and his bestest friend and guardian furry person,
Wookiee Childe, listened attentively and then wanted to know what they
could do to help the cause. Obi Bon said "Wookiee, get your gun!" and with
that, she and Rummy now had two new recruits in the battle against the
Sift and the Tray Federation. YAY!! Wookiee Childe then said "HEY! What
about Bob?!" Obi Bon said "I'm getting there!! Jeez! So, Bobly One, want
to help us like exterminate some dudes? Hmmm????" Bob pulled his thumb
out of his mouth and said "Uh huh" although he was thinking "Why does Dank
Vadar sound familiar?" The six piled into their spaceships and were ready
to BLAST OFF!! when Bob screamed "WAIT A GOSH DARNED MINUTE!!!" SPAM-solo
threw on the interstellar parking brakes and said "What now? I told you
to pee before we left the bar!!" Bob said "No, no! That space rocket ship
thing! It was FOR SALE!! Let's go get it!!" So SPAM-solo had the Wookiee
switch on the Reverser Engine Thruster Thingamajig and Bob got his space
rocket ship thing. (Obi Bon thought it was the tackiest rocket ship in
existance! I mean, whoever heard of converting an old pink cadillac into
a hot pink rocket ship with orange tiger stripes?? Jeez!) He borrowed a
bottle of Guinness from Rummy, cracked it on the hull of the ship (what
a waste of beer!) and christened it the "Bobmoblie" (..this was of course
after he'd peeled off the old name, "Pain and Blunder" anyway..) Bob climbed
in and fired up all the gizmos and was knocked on his butt by all the sparklys!!
Then a nice young robitic lad in a fishy hat walked up to him and said
"Master Bob, I am V-3P0. Where would you like to go today?" Bob said "Duh...sparkly...hee
hee..." V-3P0 replyed "I'm sorry Bob. Sparkly does not compute." That's
when Bob heard the Voices from the Sky of Rummy and Obi Bon saying "Northern
Macedonia Bob...go to Northern Macedonia..." Bob drooled for a minute then
said "Huh? Oh. Duh. Northern Macedonia please V-3P0! Set a course! Or something.
Oh, by the way, do you have another name?" V-3P0 replyed "Nope. But I am
pleased to make your acquaintance." Bob and V-3P0 became fast friends.
I mean, they were gonna be stuck on a spaceship for a week together. Wouldn't
you try to make friends too? V-3P0 introduced Bob to his good electronic
friends, R2-RNot and ChanterD8. R2 was quite the skilled little droid.
She teach anyone the Medieval Birthday song (even RedEyes) and was great
at getting rid of headaches by making your brain jiggle out your ears!
No one was real sure exactly why ChanterD8 was on board, but she was very
very good at carrying around stuffed rabbits and making oatmeal. I guess
she was the offical oatmeal maker for Bob. Anyway, the Bobmoblie and the
JP got ready to take off and ER!Lei climbed into his ship, the Titania
as Obi Bon yelled at Rummy to "Hurry up and just buy the beer already!!
Jeez!!" Rummy finished his beer purchases and turned to go get in his ship
and tripped over a turnip. Rummy got up off the ground, dusted himself
off, looked around sheepishly hoping no one had seen him and proceeded
to go to his ship. Again. Rummy looked up and said "WHOA!!" Because with
the addition of the Bobmoblie, there were so many ships!! And they all
(with the exception of the Bobmoblie) looked alike!! EEEE!! Then he spotted
his ship. It was the purple one with "Skinny Hippo" painted on the side
in silver. And if that wasn't verification enough, there was Obi Bon, hanging
out the window, giggling. "Nice move, grace!" she said and then ducked
back into the ship to avoid the turnip that came flying at her. (Hey, if
you're gonna be stupid and trip over a turnip, why not pick it?) Once Rummy
and the beer and the turnip (just in case Obi Bon started giggling again)
were safely on board and stashed in their respective stashing places, the
4 ships BLAST(ed) OFF!! similtaneously!! WAHHOOOOEY!!!!! They buzzed off
to Northern Macedonian. (but this time it would take them a couple days
because the quickest route was only one way. And it wasn't theirs.) The
second day of the trip the other seven BRAVE EXPLORERS!! (dun dun dun!!)
heard Wookiee Childe exclaim "Oh! Possums!!" Obi Bon screeched in terror
(quite an ear spliting sound mind you) and hid behind Rummy (who was now
frying the turnip..) as she was terrified of possums!! Rummy stopped frying
the turnip, whipped out his lightsaber and said "WHERE???" while Obi Bon
whimpered at the thoughts of giant possums (namely Smog Smithereens the
Possum King of Georgidonian) and Killer Kudzu (namely the stuff that grows
outside of Pigieon Forge and runs up and down hills) running through her
head. Wookiee Childe said "No, no, no! There are no possums! I just---"
and she was cut off by Obi Bon "Then why the hell did you say it??? You
know I'm terrified of possums!!!!" Wookiee Childe apologized and said "Oops.
Well, I just lost $26 to SPAM-solo in poker is all. Soory...." Nothing
else exicting or tramuatizing (hey, possums are scary) happened that day
and everyone went to bed happy. Except the turnip, who was dead and fried..but
anyway. The third day of this trip was a cloudy day in deep space as it
was raining in Black Hole Fillin' Station Numero Dos. The 9-some decided
not to drive in the rain (because space can get slick dontcha know) and
hooked their ships together in a sort of caravan around a dying star (hey
it was like a campfire!) to play some (inter?)galatic SPADES!! (oooh...ahh...)
Wookiee Childe and Obi Bon paired up (of course..) and along with R2 and
ChanterD8 kicked some serious tail and won about $6000. Each. (V-3P0 was
suddenely very very glad that he had listened to his Rice Crispies that
morning and NOT played....) Later that night as the guys were mourning
the loss of their money, Wookiee Childe raised her head up out of the sea
of empty Harp bottles that surrounded her (Bob had decided building the
Eiffel Tower of Harp Bottles over sleeping rich drunk people would be fun!)
long enough to drunkenly stammer out "Alex Trebek is god?" and then passed
out in her poker chips again. Obi Bon thought this was HILARIOUS and giggled
like a loon for at least 25 minutes even though she was stone cold sober.
She finally shut up though when Rummy threw another turnip at her. After
much throwing of vegetables (Bad Rummy!!! Don't throw food around Bob!!
Food fight!!! "WATCH OUT FOR THE CARROTS!!!!!! THEY'RE FROZEN SOLID!!")
and much cleaning up of the Bobmoblie (he didn't want strained peas all
over his green shag carpeting thankyouverymuch) the group finally disbanded
to try to sleep and get the sticky Jell-O like substance SPAM-solo had
found in the bottom of Bob's freezer and started flinging out of their
hair. SPAM-solo, ER!Lei, Rummy, and Bob were still quite sad though, despite
the 3 hour long food fight. (well, if you'd lost that much money, wouldn't
you be sad too??) Anyway, enough about the cards and loss of money. Back
to the problem at hand. Dank Vadar and the Tray Federation!!! Dum Dum DUM!!
(That was foreboding music, in case you couldn't tell...) Bob, who had
no military expertise whatsoever, thought that the best plan of attack
would be to just walk in on the Tray Federation's annual board meeting
with a nice fruit basket and ask if they would please surrender. Everyone
but Bob, however, could see the stupidity and twisted logic in this plan!!
I mean a fruit basket? Come on!! Jeez!! ER!Lei had a better idea however.
He would use his universally reknowed wit and wisdom to get them into the
deepest inner reaches of the Tray Federations Super-Secret-Normal-Looking-But-Definatly-Foreboding
Secret Compound. Well. He'd try to use his wit. Fact remained that ER!Lei
had a very nice left leg and could get anywhere he wanted if he was wearing
shorts! So it was agreeded that they would useER!Lei's wit, wisdom, and
left leg to get them into the innermost sanctum of the Super Secret Compound.
Surely it was there that they would find this Dank Vadar and see exactly
what his plans (the were surely insidous and henious and evil) really were!!
And what he looked like. They had no clue. Although the Fleece had spoken
to Rummy during the night and told him to expect Oompa Loopas.
In Bob We Trust,
Author's Note:This Bob story has been all hand-written and it's been written in 5 states! NY, NC, AR, OK, and TN. I started writing it in NC Monday after grandfather and continued writing wee bits of it as it came to me on the way home (18 hours! ICK!) then I wrote some when I got bored in NYC at night. So, anyway, check back later for an explanation of who some of the "non-obvious" characters are supposed to be!! |
