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January 14, 2001 ~ So it's been awhile. A rather long while. But I've kinda got a way to get the guestbook working now, I can at least get them to show up, so SIGN MY GUESTBOOK PEOPLE! Maybe then I'll update more. Heh heh heh. =) I don't know. I'm not sure how I'm feeling about the webpage thing right now. At least this journal-type business. The rest of the page is in many ways out of date. Just kind of a part of an older part of myself. But with this part, I'm just not sure how much of myself I wanna share anymore. How public I wanna be. How much of the stuff I'm thinking of now I want anyone else to read. Then again, I think it would be very helpful to me to be journaling again. To take note of my thoughts and of what effects me. Cause I think now, mainly since going to college, I don't give myself the time to really think and take these things in and have issues and things I'm thinking about and dealing with. I'm feeling like I'm in a very transitional place right now. I know my summer was really crazy, lots of changes, quickly, and I never really got a chance to take a lot of that in. Then the change of going to college, and I know I wasn't myself for a long time, and wasn't alone enough, etc., etc., etc. So it would be good for me to be doing this. But maybe I should just do it for myself again. I don't know. Maybe I'll do that for awhile and then find some new way of doing this. Maybe not. Either way, that won't be for awhile, so for now I think I'm just gonna try to work with this as much as I can till I get a chance to put some of my focus on this. So, wow. I'm home on break now. Well, winter term actually. My boyfriend went back to school this weekend. So now it's time to try to actually work on my project, which is pretty much just to write. I'm slowly getting myself focused. I think it could be really good for me. Hopefully I'll actually do it. Having so much time with my boyfriend this time has made me notice how differently I view him and us when he's with me and when he's not. And how I am and where my focus is. Which is all natural I think, but hopefully it won't stay a permanent split, cause that just wouldn't be good. I'm always worrying about how such a long time of this is going to effect everything. I still surprise myself in how I assume so much of this. But I guess it's a good thing. Just catches me by surprise a lot. It's crazy. But yeah. So this break was good, though it amazes me how this much time (which isn't really much time, but seems now to be a lot) is still not all that much. Just enough to get used to it, then it ends. But whatever. Enough about that. Well maybe not. It's also quite shitty to spending the majority of your time wanting it to be a different time. Like I'm already wanting it to be summer, but there's a whole semester in there, and I shouldn't be taking away from all that time. So, yeah. I need to get myself more focused on school when I go back. Get myself more focused on my life there, let myself have a life there. I'm almost normal there now I think. Haha. It's so amazing how differently I am there than I was here, just in terms of how I interact with people, socialize, etc. Maybe cause it's new and I got freaked out, or maybe cause people there just interact differently than I'm used to or are into different things or something. But anyway, it's been strange. I think I need to in some ways try to re-do the whole beginning of the year meeting people thing. Just get myself out and hang out with different people again. Blah. But yeah. I'm looking forward to going back to school as of today a bit I think. It's always nice being home though. I just need to make sure that the fact that being home often means being with my boyfriend and being at school means not being with him doesn't make home the place I want to be and school the place I don't want to be. Need to keep myself focused on the other aspects of things. Yeah. Damn am I rambling on now. This seems mighty long. Hmm... what else. Yeah, so I've also been thinking about other things a lot as of late. Yes, other things, I have returned to my ambiguous self. Anyway, I still alternate between being really sad and being really pissed off, and deciding I'm going to write this guy a letter and deciding that it's all so retarded I never wanna deal with it again. I don't know. Big loss. Necessary loss? Don't know. And I know I have things to say, I just don't know if they're worth saying. Man, my mind's going everywhere, sorry this is so disorganized. Also, it's very difficult to evaluate things in this situation. In the previously talked about situation. Which I'm always trying to do, but which always shows itself to be quite pointless, or maybe even inconsequential. And I don't know if I like that if that's really the situation. But I'm damn lucky. Lots of tea today. Very caffeinated. Many hours ago, and I'm still quite awake. Good conversation, very relaxing. Ya know what? If I can just be alone and not have a tv on, I can do pretty well with focusing on this shit. Project that is. Alright, this isn't making any sense to me anymore. Or I'm thinking it won't to you. Anyway, time to channel my energy to something else. Farewell. I'll try to update more. I should have some time or some need for procrastination. So yeah. The end.

© 2002
robinly@erols.com
est. July 1998
version 2 Oct. 1999
version 3 April 2002