June 2, 2001 ~ Grr. I had a whole thing written and then I somehow managed to delete it. Damn. I don't wanna write about all this stuff again. Blech. Hmm.... Well, I'm just gonna write this maybe. Give a fake update. But that's no fun. I dunno. Tonight felt good and summery. Good conversation and some driving on the parkway. Saw lots of high school people too, which was kinda crazy. Being home's really good. Being able to see everyone's very nice, and being back with people, seeing how we are together, knowing they still know me, etc. Being with my boyfriend and trying to remind myself that this time one of us won't be leaving in a few days. It's craziness. Haha. I dunno. I need a job though. Very very badly. I've been way too bored and unproductive. And I really wanna make money this summer. But hopefully that'll be solved soon. I'm seriously contemplating calling someone up tomorrow, but I'm very nervous about that, which is really silly. I just need to start taking control of this stuff. Cause it's not a big deal. And if I wanna keep someone in my life I've gotta do what's necessary for that to happen. HFStival was last weekend. That was fun, but very different. Definitely not as exciting as it was in high school. And it made me feel really old, cause all the people there just bugged me a lot. They all just seemed young and loud and stupid and obnoxious. I felt like quite an old woman. But ah well. It was fun though. The lineup wasn't as good as usual, but Incubus was damn good, and I got to see Green Day again, which is always a good thing. So that was cool. And of course I got sunburned. Damn paleness. Makes me paranoid. So I feel like I'm still in a rut that I got into this year. Like having been so busy last summer and then going to school and living with so many people, etc., I just wasn't alone much and was worried about socializing and blah blah blah, so anyway, I just haven't been doing enough thinking/reflecting/writing as I should be doing/as I usually do, etc. Weird sentence. So anyway, yeah. I need to get myself back to a place where I can be alone and be comfortable with that and let myself think and reflect and all that stuff which makes me feel like I'm really doing something and going somewhere. I've been thinking about my need to be working/networking/really moving somewhere as far as careers and such go. I just need a lot more experience and stuff. I'm hoping for some good internships or better jobs in the coming year. That would be good. I know that there's so much stuff that'll hold me back from that though, but if I can get myself to a place where I feel like I'm really going somewhere and have an identity apart from anyone else and am being productive in the times when I'm isolated, then I think I would be able to let myself take that time. And that would be very good. Cause I do fear that I'll let things keep me from doing stuff that I really should be doing. Being too dependent or attached. Of course that's also a good thing in many ways, but not if it's doing that, so I've gotta get myself to a point where the balance there is a healthy one. Yup. So that's what I work on now. Damn, my hand's cramping up strangely. This is bad. Maybe I have arthritis.... No. But anyway, I'm taking this as my sign that I should stop typing. So byebye to you all. And Dustin, sign my guestbook yo. Hope you're good. Byebye.
Ooh. I'm also going to church tomorrow for the first time since January. So that should be interesting. And the first time since my minister left. I dunno. It'll be good to see people though. Yes. Craziness. Alright, bye. Haha.
