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May 30, 2000 ~ Well, I have returned. The trip was pretty good, I suppose. Kinda strange though. I don't really know how. Seeing where I'm gonna be in 3 months and all I suppose. My orientation is exactly 3 months from yesterday. But anyway, it was strange. The first day I just got horribly depressed. First of all, the campus was relatively empty, it looked a whole lot smaller than I remember it being, I basicaly already know my way around now, and I was being introduced to people w/ the fact that I was going there, and getting some odd reactions. Like some people were just like, why are you coming here, it's horrible, blah blah blah. Real nice to say to someone who's already decidedly going. Of course, these are all bitter seniors and such. A lot of other people were very enthusiastic and nice. Everyone there has always been really friendly. So that was cool. But anyway, that day was horribly depressing, and I really started thinking that I should have chosen to go to UVA. Cause it's bigger, it's closer to home(i was feeling homesick), and it avoids all problems associated with Oberlin. But I think that was just cause of my momentary insanity. So anyway, the next day(yesterday) was my brother's actual graduation. The conclusion of that day was this: I DON'T WANT TO GRADUATE!!! It just seems horribly formal and traditional and pain-in-the-ass-ish and stupid. But I'm sure it'll be cool and all. And I also came to one realization that was going through my head the entire time I was there: My friends aren't here. I got horribly depressed and sad. And I started realizing how homesick I'm gonna get, and how tough the adjustment's gonna be, and how much I'm gonna miss everyone. But anyway, my mood did finally improve. I talked to some of my brother's friends who'll be juniors next year a little more, and they were cool, and that was enjoyable. And I had to remind myself that there would be many more and many new people next year, and blah blah blah crappity crap. I'm really tired by the way. But yeah. Then I also had to watch my brother say goodbye to his friends, which just made me horribly sad once again. So anyway, I don't remember. Today was more of the same, then we had to move all my brother's stuff out of his room, and run a bunch of errands, and then we drove back. And the entire way back home in the car all these songs kept reminding me of happy times in high school. So I'm getting too damn sentimental. But anyway, I've got such a good group of friends, and that made me all happy and appreciative. But I'm going to go completely insane in the fall. I don't know. So I need to get myself focused on what I want, and free myself from any expectations before I leave so as to hopefully avoid that. So I don't know how I'm feeling right now. I kind of went from feeling absolutely horrible about it, to feeling pretty neutral again. But just more aware of how hard it might be. And I think I came up with a whole bunch of worries, and then a lot of them kind of got put aside. But who knows. If I end up completely screwing over the next four years of my life, I'll hopefully have some more left afterward. Haha. I'm so optomistic today. But moving on to other subjects now. So yeah. I also spent a lot of the eight hour car ride thinking about a whole lot of crap. And basicaly, I'm pretty fucking confused, but not distressed. How every interesting.... Things are really complicated, but also very simple. And they could be so much simpler were it not for a whole bunch of really stupid stuff. But whatever. I'm not going to distress myself over something that's basicaly out of my control. I don't want anything that's not wanted. I think I've finally gotten myself to that point. Which is probably a good thing. Survival wise. But as to the other side of things, I really don't know. That gets a little more complicated. I guess I'll just have to see how I'm feeling in the next few weeks. And see how fares the weather. Haha. That sentence entertained me. But yeah. So we'll see. I'm not going to let myself get so fucking distressed over all this bullshit when there's so much more important stuff going on. And my relationships with people are probably the most important thing to me, but I'm not gonna worrry myself so much about certain aspects that the majority gets screwed over. So fuck that. Whatever happens fucking happens. I'll make my efforts and I'll do what I feel I should. That's it. No worrying about what other people are doing. So onto the next topic of discussion.... I don't know what that is. One weird and random bit of info. Much of this trip was made up of discussions about sado-masochism. So that was kind of interesting. Hmm... crazy Oberlin. But yeah. So tomorrow's a damn crazy day. I've got prom-related errands to run, a violin lesson, a quartet rehearsal, and an orchestra concert. Not to mention school and all that crap. And my brother's home now, so I don't know what my car access will be tomorrow. So that's not good. But we'll see. It's our quartet's debut performance. Hahaha. And my last orch concert. So sad so sad. Tommy's gonna be my stand partner for my last concert though. That's so happy. I'm very glad that that happened, even though the last minute chair changing was damn crackheaded on the part of my orchestra teacher. But yeah. So that should be interesting. And prom's in like 3 days or something. That's damn crackheaded as well. What the hell. So yeah. I guess I'm looking forward to that. It should be pretty cool. Hopefully.... We'll see. I'll have fun though. Damnit. Yeah. At least a bunch of people are coming now. It'll be cool. This week of school is funny for me. Monday was a holiday, so no school, I wasn't there today, so no school, tomorrow's a normal day, altho we won't do anything, thursday's the senior picnic, so it's a half day type of thing, and then friday's a half day cause it's prom. Funny funny. So yeah. Alright, well I'm really tired and I've got some unpacking to do. I'm really curious as to what people are thinking right now. And what the hell's going on. But yeah, I'm not getting distressed.... I also had some good discussions with my mom on the ride home. Interesting stuff. But anyway. We'll see, we'll see. I just want things to go well. Put aside all the petty crap and avoidance and spend some fucking good times together. Off I go. Bye!

P.S.~I'm adding this only so I'll remember to Kelly about it. But anyway, I saw this insanely hot guy today when we were having breakfast. He looked exactly like John Cusack(even w/ clothes from Better Off Dead(which I still haven't seen)), but with slightly crazier hair and eyeliner. Ahh....

May 27, 2000 ~ Well, quick update, cause I'm leaving for Ohio in five and a half hours, and I still need to pack and sleep. I'll be back tuesday, so no updates for a little bit. I'm so tired. Tonight was alright, although weird. There's so much going on right now, and I'm really going crazy. I think it's cause of the urgency that the extreme lack of time brings with it. Knowing that we're all leaving in less than 3 months. It's making things tougher, and putting a lot more pressure on things. And making me want to make things change and happen a lot more. I don't know. And I'm really confused at this point as well. But I don't know. Things are alright, I suppose. And I think no matter what, they'll be alright for the most part. I don't want to have regrets though, and I don't want to be wondering what could have happened. So we'll see. I'm gonna go pack now. So tired.... Bye-bye!

May 25, 2000 ~ What the fuck! I'm really pissed off and frustrated right now. As I have been all afternoon. This kind of thing happens a lot, and it just keeps happening. And it's really really bad for me. But of course I'll do nothing. So today was kinda bad. I spent the majority of my afternoon blasting music, lying somewhere in my house, thinking excessively, crying, moving to a diffent part of my house, lying there for awhile. Went outside, lay around in my backyard, started to fall asleep. I threw a beach ball against my closet door for awhile. Wandered around a little. That was about it. Then I realized I was driving myself insane, so I went for a walk. I was thinking it would be a contemplative walk, but it's point was mostly to distract myself I think. It was helpful though. I'm really really fucking frustrated though. There's a lot of confusion, with other people. And I would MUCH rather have them explain their confusion to me, let me know about it, rather than randomly changing their minds and actions and all that kinda bullshit. I don't know. I'm just not in the greatest of moods right now. Reliability is a nice quality. And I know exactly what I want out of some things. But I really don't know how much I'm willing to risk for that. Because I'm at a place right now where I want to avoid depression at almost any cost. Almost. So I don't know what I do when stuff's still upsetting me this much. So, as I said before. WHAT THE FUCK?! I've gotta finish some calculus now. I'm so glad it's almost the weekend, but I've got a feeling it's gonna feel quite nonexistant and be pretty crappy. But I don't wanna get too pessimistic on myself.... =P

Also... all the stuff of yesterday and today is eerily reminiscent of stuff from a little over a year ago. And that's really not a good thing. This is a trend I really can't live with. And priorities, what's important to you. And that's supposedly valued.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here."~Pink Floyd (wish you were here)

Ahh, I have returned because I just remembered some happy junx of today. Well, prom plans are finally starting to be made(it's in 8 days). So, I'm so excited about this, we're going to be taking the metro. I'm so entertained by this. Screw limos. It's all about public transportation. So yeah, that'll be funny. Cause there's a metro station right by the hotel where prom is, and one right by the restaurant we're most likely going to. It'll also fit with my homecoming from this year at which I wore docs and went rollerblading after dinner. Good stuff. And that was the most fun I've had all 4 years.

May 24, 2000 ~ What the hell, what the hell, what the hell, what the hell, what the hell what the hell what the hell. I'm noticing a trend here. And I really hope I'm not screwing myself over. Goddamn.

May 23, 2000 ~ It's been kinda awhile. Sorry bout that. I've been busy, but I don't really think I have. I have been tired however. I was going to bed early for awhile, and then the last few days I was going to bed kinda late, but not abnormally, and I was just dying today. I got home, sat down for like 10 minutes and watched tv, and then just fell asleep for 2 hours. It was a very nice little nap though. I've got a whole lot to talk about. I'll start with the events of today, and then more onto more interesting things.... But in the spirit of the randomness, there's no real order. So... right now I'm listening to a bunch of songs to see if they fit my criteria for this thing I'm doing. Very odd. Part of the whole thinking-of-things-to-do-for-people-before-we-leave thing. Hmm... This requires listening to lyrics which requres a surprising amount of attention. But anyway, moving on. What to talk about. Well, all of my friends abandoned me at lunch today, cause they were all either driving people home or checking out for the day, so after about fifteen minutes, when Eileen came to pick up Ana, I was left by myself. So sad so sad. BUT I ended up eating lunch w/ random people. It was very entertaining. Actually, not really random people. This damn cool freshman dude who I met this year, and this guy who was in my creative writing class last year. It was entertaining though. So that worked out alright, which is good. Hmm... Ahh, tonight was the last night of the weekly tutoring thing I do. So sad so sad. But not really. I've got free tuesday nights now. Fun fun. Haha, not really. But I really liked my kid this year. He was a funny one. He just got really annoying when he was around this one crazy girl, cause they fight a whole lot. But yeah, so that's kinda sad. I got him cool ass presents tho, and he liked em, so I'm happy. Hmm... what else to talk about. Alright, last weekend time. Umm... Friday I saw Small Time Crooks. Good movie, says I. I think I like it the most out of who I saw it with though. First Woody Allen movie I've seen. That's kinda sad. Oh well. I really liked it though. And dude, Tracy Ullman! I love her. Altho I think I just horribly misspelled her name. Saturday was really cool, although weird. Our plans got all screwed up, so we just ended up wandering around and stuff. It was really cool though. Good conversations and stuff. And I ended up having to walk around in a fountain in order to retrieve something. I'd call that an eventful evening. Haha. But yeah. Weird crazy crazy conversations. Like about the future, and about the kinds of things that you're pretty much taught will happen and expect to have happen to you. And disagreements over how real those things are, and how much you really can expect them. Interesting stuff though. Quite crazy. I got in a really weird mood that night. I don't know. There was also some really nice stuff. Like the person who has always said that he won't keep in touch w/ anyone after high school actually said he would, and very nicely, and in much greater quantities than that. So that was really really nice to hear. And I'm in such a weird place right now. My appreciation of people is increasing, while my problems with things are increasing. And I've noticed a weird backwards jealousy recently. Very strange, very strange. Ahh, my wonderful and horribly vague ramblings. But oh well. So yeah. Other things have also gotten quite crazy lately. Although I think in a good way. I think. We shall see. God. These really will be some damn interesting 3 months. I don't know. Quite freaky, quite freaky. I'm going up to Oberlin for my brother's graduation this weekend, and I'm pretty excited about it, just cause it'll my first time there knowing that that's where I'll be going. I'm also kinda scared that I'll just realize I hate it or something. Except I've been there quite a few times, and that hasn't happened, but of course I have to worry myself about it. But yeah, that should be cool. I like the drive up there too. It's quite pleasant. Just long. And we're leaving all early, which sucks. Lots of sleeping in the car. This week sucks. I've got a whole bunch of work due. And school should be over damnit!!! But oh well. Soon enough, soon enough. I've done that a lot in this thing. The whole repeating the same thing twice thing. Hmm... oh well. So yeah. We'll see what happens. I don't know. I just don't want to screw anything up at this point. Keeping all relationships good till the end is a priority of mine right now. Screwing something up massively now would just really suck. So that makes things kind of tough. I don't know though. We'll see, we'll see....

Out of This World
(The Cure)

WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT IT ALL AS I KNOW WE WILL
YOU AND ME, WIDE EYED
I WONDER...
WILL WE REALLY REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE THIS ALIVE?

AND I KNOW WE HAVE TO GO
I REALIZE WE ONLY GET TO STAY SO LONG
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES
WHERE WE BELONG
WHERE WE BELONG
WHERE WE BELONG

WHEN WE THINK BACK TO ALL THIS AND I'M SURE WE WILL
ME AND YOU, HERE AND NOW
WILL WE FORGET THE WAY IT REALLY IS
WHY IT FEELS LIKE THIS AND HOW?

AND WE ALWAYS HAVE TO GO I REALIZE
WE ALWAYS HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES

BUT REAL LIVES ARE THE REASON WHY
WE WANT TO LIVE ANOTHER LIFE
WE WANT TO FEEL ANOTHER TIME
ANOTHER TIME...

yeah ANOTHER TIME

to feel another time...

WHEN WE LOOK BACK AT IT ALL AS I KNOW WE WILL
YOU AND ME, WIDE EYED
I WONDER...
WILL WE REALLY REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE THIS ALIVE?

AND I KNOW WE HAVE TO GO
I REALIZE WE ALWAYS HAVE TO TURN AWAY
ALWAYS HAVE TO GO BACK TO REAL LIVES

BUT REAL LIVES ARE WHY WE STAY
FOR ANOTHER DREAM
ANOTHER DAY
FOR ANOTHER WORLD
ANOTHER WAY
FOR ANOTHER WAY...

ONE LAST TIME BEFORE IT'S OVER
ONE LAST TIME BEFORE THE END
ONE LAST TIME BEFORE IT'S TIME TO GO AGAIN...

May 18, 2000 ~ Today was odd. I don't know how though. School was pointless as is to be expected now. The schedule was all crazy, so I saw people I normally don't and stuff, and that was really cool and made me happy. I was in a pretty good mood today. I think I'm feeling a little better sickness-wise too, so that's good. I'm feeling really weird right now though. Don't know what it is. So much uncertainty with things right now. I really don't want to get to an emotionally unstable place. I've had enough of that for quite awhile. I really hope I'm not leading myself there. Ugh. But moving on.... Kinda. I'm feeling better about some stuff too. Like things in general are better now I think. I'm appreciating people and such. Today was cool in that aspect too. I think I got to hang out with what was kind of our old core group more today than usual, and that was really cool. People were just being themselves in ways that I love, and it was a lot of fun. I want it to be summer, and I want this summer to be really cool. See people a lot, and have lots o' good experiences. But we shall see. Don't want to invest too much in that either. I don't like this new trend in my thinking. The whole not wanting to place too much trust or meaning in anything for fear of disapointment. I'm thinking it could end badly. Man. We'll see what happens tomorrow. I really want to get my room organized. I've been trying to for quite some time, and I'm just failing horribly. Haha. What else is there to talk about. Ahh yes. Well Eileen just informed me that some random SGA type people want me to do something at convocation. Don't know where the hell that came from, but anyway, it's gotten me thinking. I'm just realizing how unattached I feel from our class as a whole. Like the idea of expressing anything vaguely sentimental to the entire class seems completely weird to me. I don't know. And I think that I generaly think that noone knows who I am, so the thought that people would consider this seems really freaky. There's also apparently an article about me for the school paper, for which the guy writing it, a kinda friend of mine, just made up quotes. Haha. I'm kinda worried about that, but oh well. That struck me in the same way. Very weird very weird. This has gotten me wondering how other people see me. I wonder. I just have no idea. Alright, well it's really hot in my room right now. Perhaps I should open the door or something. I'm going slightly crazy I think. But that's okay. Sleeping time for me I think. Bye!

Random other stuff I just thought of to mention. Our quartet thing had our first rehearsal with our drummer today. Funny stuff. It should be really cool. Also, fetile pig dissections start tomorrow, about which I have more objections than I have for either of the two we've already done this year. I'll make you a list.

• Pigs are VERY advanced, and quite close to humans
• This is our 3rd dissection this year
• We dissected fetile pigs in 9th grade
• Grades should be done, our AP test has been taken
• According to my bio teacher, the frog was for practice, the shark was for actual learning, the pig is for FUN
• Also, according to my oh so lovely bio teacher (who, btw, told us today that we were rude, ignorant and inconsiderate), we need not feel bad for dissecting unborn pigs, because they would have died anyway when their mothers were killed for meat. Well ya know what? I DON'T EAT MEAT!!! Once again, this is a sacrifice I have made in my life for certain beliefs I have. If I have made this sacrifice so that I am not responsible for the death of an animal, then I shouldn't be responsible for it because of my fucking biology class.

May 17, 2000 ~ NO MORE AP EXAMS FOR ME EVER!!!!! I'm so happy. Bwahaha. Except I'm insanely tired. I had my bio exam today, and last night after tutoring, me, Kelly and Ana decided that we should study together, so we went to xando. First off, that coffee wasn't decaf, and then we didn't really study much. Maybe for like 5 minutes, then we just talked about random stuff. Good conversations though. But anyway, when I got home, and tried to go to sleep, I just ended up thinking about soo much crap, and worrying excessively, and I've been sick lately, so I just got no sleep. It was quite terrible. But oh well. I think I did alright on the test. I'm just sooooo tired now. Well, today I was thinking even more about what I wanna do for people and say to people before we all go to college. The amount of time left before we all leave is just insane, and I'm beginning to obsess about it. There's so much I want to say to people. This is a crazy time. And I have a feeling that these could be the craziest three months I've yet experienced. It's just the thought of what will or won't happen. And thinking that this is the last chance for so much. But anyway, I need sleep, I'm gonna go now. I've gotta get up early tomorrow too, cause Clarke wants to get donuts before government. Haha. School is so pointless and nonexistant now. But I still have to go... GRR..... Bye!

May 15, 2000 ~ I'm so unbelievably tired. And either my allergies suddenly got really horrible, or I'm getting sick. But anyway, it's like 8:30 right now, and I think I'm going to bed. Insanity. I'm not feeling too good. Right now I'm just waiting for the sun to completely go down before I sleep, cause otherwise that's just a little ridiculous. Well, I had my AP Government exam today. It wasn't too bad. I'm curious to see how I'm doing on these things. I've got one more left. Bio on wednesday. We'll see. I'm soooo tired! So, in respect to what's been on my mind as of late.... I still don't know. I think I'm beginning to figure out what I'm gonna do. It's weird though. I've been feeling disconnected lately, but today I was really trying to get passed that, even though it's still there, and I think it will stay there. Maybe I even want it there, who knows. But I don't know. I need to be sure in my motivations. There's so little time left. It's crazy. We graduate in like 5 weeks. A month from tomorrow is our last day of school. It's crazy. Everyone is leaving for college in almost exactly 3 months. It's insane. So who knows, who knows. I don't know what one does in this situation. It's starting to feel like it's too late for some stuff, but who knows. I do know that I want to spend as much time with people as I possibly can while I'm still here. So, prom. I think somehow I became one of the main planning people here. I don't like that, but oh well. We've got 16 people in our group right now. That's a whole lot. And we've still gotta find a way to get Eileen and Ana to come. Heh heh heh. Yeah, so that's all I wanna say about that. I'm too tired. I'm gonna go to sleep now. I'm supposed to be at some violin thing right now, but I figured that if I went I'd probably fall asleep on the parkway and crash into some trees. And I think I was probably right. Alright, so I'll update more later. I'm feeling busy right now, even though I don't really have anything o do. Hmm... weird black things are flying by my window. Maybe they're bats. There are usually a bunch flying around in my backyard in the summer. Interesting.... I am a vampire. Remember that? I do. I've been having so many memories lately. Nostalgia and how good times were. I really love people. But off I go. Bye-bye!

May 11, 2000 ~ I want to go to college. I'm overwhelmed by the thoughts of some people. Depth that I rarely see. And the constant doubt in my mind of my mind. And emotions met with mellow coldness. Don't obsess over your wellbeing, but don't assume you're just fine either. Today was fairly uneventful. Took and failed my AP calculus test, went to Sarah's for lunch. Had my quartet rehearsal. Came home, watched tv, and wasted my afternoon. Except for my weird energy and blasting The Smiths while running around the hallway. That was damn entertaining. So anyway, I don't have too much to write about, but I do have so good Smiths lyrics to leave with you. I don't know. Perhaps I'll talk about a little stuff. I'm worried I'm being mean to some people. Well, one person in particular. This bothers me, but it just kind of naturally happens now. I get really cold. I don't like that. I'm hoping a temporary middle ground can be found. I don't like this. But I'm alright. I just want people to know how much they mean to me despite how I may act. That's a constant worry of mine. That the second I'm mean to someone, or leave things unresolved, something will happen. Basicaly I'm afraid that they're going to die at that very moment. Right after things are left bad or unresolved. Bad fear to have. I guess it can help you to keep things good with people, or help you to make sure things get worked out, but it can also keep you from confronting things that need confronting, or being honest with yourself. Not to mention giving you immense fear, stress, and guilt. So there ya go. One of my many odd little psychological things. But anyway, that's enough talking for tonight. I'm tired. I just want everything to be happy despite it all. Cause there is so much love and appreciation there despite it all. So anyway, I'm gonna go sleep. Maybe. Here's some Smiths lyrics for you to read that I enjoy.

Stretch Out and Wait

All the lies that you make up
What's at the back of your mind
Your face I can see
And it's desparately kind
But what's at the back of your mind?
Two icy-cold hands conductng the way
It's the Eskimo blood in my veins
Amid concrete and clay
And general decay
Nature must still find a way
So ignore all the codes of the day
Let your juvenile impulses sway
This way and that way
This way and that way
God, how sex implores you
To let yourself lose yourself
Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Let your puny body lie down, lie down
As we lie, you say
As we lie, you say
Stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
Let your puny body lie down, lie down
As we lie, you say:
Will the world end in the night time?
(I really don't know)
Or will the world end in the day time?
(I really don't know)
And is there any point ever having children?
I really don't know
All I do know is we're Here and it's Now
So stretch out and wait
Stretch out and wait
There is no debate, no debate, no debate
How can you consciously contemplate
When there's no debate, no debate
Stretch out and wait...

May 10, 2000 ~ I'm feeling really overwhelmed. By nostalgia, and intense feelings, and confusion. Kind of ironic considering the conversation I just had. But oh well. I don't know what it is. Lack of sleep most likely, but still. It's just crazy. One minute I feel like I'm totally fine with everything, that I'm in a good mental state, and that despite what's wrong right now, I'm fine. Then I'm feeling like it's all just too much. Like somethings I'm feeling really can't be ignored, and that I'm trapped in a terrible situation. But who knows. I'm too tired to think about it right now, so I'll move on. These have been short lately. Looks like they'll be staying that way for awhile. Too tired. But, yeah. So today was my first AP Exam. English. It was alright. I've got Calculus tomorrow. Then just 2 more left. Haha. But oh well. I went home after my exam today, cause it was in the morning. But anyway, I just kind of chilled at home, but things kept bringing stuff up, and making me think about things. I don't know how I feel about that. On one hand I don't want to be back to a place where I'm like that, on the other hand, it's kind of nice. I've come to this realization lately about which I feel about the same. I've been realizing that I can't keep these ideals about how things SHOULD be, because things very rarely turn out how you think they should, and then all that leads to is distress, disillusionment, and depression. But I also don't want to completely give up my ideals, happy little views on the way things should be, and dreams of what I actually want. So, weird little trapped somewhere inbetween situations here. But I'm going to bed now. I should probably review some calculus, but it's quite pointless, and I'm tired. I also wanna get some stuff accomplished. Who knows if that'll happen. I've been wanting to get into contact with some people, and just say some stuff to some other people lately, and I haven't been able to get myself to do that yet. But we'll see. I don't know how I'm feeling right now. It's so insane. Alright, I'm gonna stop talking now. Bye!

May 8, 2000 ~ Ugh. Another monday. School needs to be over. It's so pointless now. AP exams started this week, and I'll be done with them by thursday of next week. Then there's just no point to school, but I'll still have to go for another month. So stupid. But oh well. The weather's been really warm and summery here too, which isn't helping. So, with what I've been writing about lately. I guess I'm feeling a little better, although the situation hasn't changed. I had some random little therapy-esque conversation with my mom yesterday which was actually really helpful. So that was cool. Not that I don't still feel terrible and I'm not still horribly confused, but it's a little better. I've been feeling like I've just been really mean lately, and that upsets me. I don't know. But I'm feeling more optomistic now I guess. And I'm really hoping it'll all work out. As for other things, which always confuse me, they're as confusing as ever. Today randomly made it more so, but only by reminding me of things I already knew. So I don't know. What else is there to talk about.... Well, our little punk quartet had our rehearsal yesterday. The drummer wasn't there, but it was cool. We've got 2 whole songs now. They sound pretty good though. So that's cool. It's a lot of fun. It's always nice to have an outlet to play violin that's actually fun and doesn't feel stressful and work-like. Speaking of which, I need to practice a lot, cause my recital's coming up, and that's not good. But I've been enjoying it more lately. Of course the musical totally burned me out, but I'll get over that. I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE!!!! and sleep. But I'm gonna go do something, but not this. Bye!

May 5, 2000 ~ I'm so fucked. I hate this. How do I always end up in these situations? I'm too unsure of myself, that's what I think it is. Can't feel one way about anything, can't be sure of anything. It gets in the way of a lot. So I just don't know what's going on right now. I don't know what I'm doing, or how I'm going to do it. That sentence didn't make sense. I need to do something though. It's just so tough. How do you do something like this? It's all too close. I don't want to be someone who doesn't let people get close and stuff, although I think I might already be there slightly. And I think I've got some weird power-struggle issues. I don't know. Some random self-analysis. This is a bad situation. Bad timing and everything. And now it's even crazier. Damnit. I'm gonna have bad connections with a good thing now. Grr.... I hate this soooo much. This last week's been tough. Not only have I just had an insane amount of stuff to do, but a lot of stuff's been going on, and I suddenly got depressed again for the first time in a while. And that's never good. This afternoon I was dead tired, and horribly depressed. I don't want to end up with another long stint of that. Or cause someone else one. I don't know. And the risk of regret. That's a tough one. I don't know, I don't know. That reassuring talk from the beginning disapeared rather subtley a few months ago. Damnit. I want to go to college! Too much shit here. I don't know. I've got a feeling I'm gonna be up pretty late tonight. Lots of thinking to do. But I'll move on for a little. Tomorrow's our last Brigadoon performance, thank God. Today it was just getting obnoxious. Sunday we're having our first rehearsal for our little punk/rock string quartet with our new drummer. Haha. I'll be making our website soon I think too. So entertaining. Although I'm just so stressed out, tired and sick of violin right now that it really kind of sucks. I also wanted to go see this bad that this guy at my school's in. I've wanted to see them for a long time, but their concerts are always when I'm out of town or when I've got some big thing to go to. So this was gonna be the first time I'd actually be able to see them, but no more. But it's alright. This quartet thing's really entertaining. I don't know. Somehow within the last two weeks, everything has become much more complicated, in my head anyway, I don't really think much else has changed. But it's so crazy right now. And there's just so much going on in like the next month. God. I overthink things, I really do. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm gonna sit here and think or something. Or just sleep. Bye!

May 4, 2000 ~ I'm going so crazy. I think all this musical stuff has been too stressing and time consuming. That along with a lot of other stuff. Damn AP exams and all this personal crap. I really want to go to college. I've been getting really excited lately. And a lot of the time it feels like I really can't take stuff around here much longer. Although I know that I'm going to miss it insanely. It's funny. The weather here's been really nice lately, and I'm just enjoying the warmth so much more than I normally would. The spring/summer here's always pretty hot and INSANELY humid, and usually I find it rather unpleasant, but I'm just soaking it up while I can, cause I know I'm gonna be freezing my ass off in Ohio pretty darn soon. I've been noticing so much lately. Like that VA's actually a really pretty state. The landscape/countryside/whatever here is just insanely pretty. I think it's probably one of the most appealing to me. Especially in the mountains and such. We also live in a really nice area. With the river, the parkway, it's quite nice. And I haven't really appreciated it until this year. Well, I've got another performance of Brigadoon, our school's musical, tonight. And tomorrow and saturday. Last night went alright. It gets out really late though, so it's kinda bad as far as homework and such go. So back to what I started out talking about, kinda.... Today was weird. I got really depressed and sad and such. That hasn't really happened for awhile. I don't really know why. Well, actually I think I do. It's just strange though. These things haven't bothered me for awhile, and they've just all come up lately. And I don't even think there was much to bring it up. I don't know. There are things I want a lot right now. Wanting makes life more difficult. Buddhist perspective on that subject makes a lot of sense. Tough stuff though. But anyway, it's the thought that these things will probably never occur. And the shadow of college quickly approaching has made this thought much more intense than it has been in the past. Time limits. Let me tell you. But I've gotta get ready to go to this damn musical again. Why do I do this.... It is enjoyable, but still. Well, off I go, farewell for now!

May 2, 2000 ~ So.... It's kinda been awhile. I've been so busy lately. Our school's spring musical starts tomorrow, and I'm in the pit orchestra, so we've been having these insane rehearsals everyday. And it's AP exam panic time with all my teachers. Grr.... But oh well. I'm still alive and not too exhausted. Well, it's been a crazy time. I don't know what I'm doing or what I'm waiting for. Knowing that I'm going to college in like 3 or 4 months makes things look a lot different. Time means more. I don't know. So I just don't know what I'm doing. But things have been weird and not so good. I think it could all work out fine though, it's just tough. Well, we'll see. I think I just don't want to leave myself in a position like I was in last time. Realizing things when it's too late, pushing people further away than you want them to go. But I'm pretty sure what it is I want to do. And probably what I should do. But anyway, moving on, kind of. Today in school I kept starting to fall asleep, starting to dream, etc. Sometimes during tests, which is bad, but anyway.... Each time I'd start to fall asleep, I'd have these flashbacks about someone. It was just really weird. I know I've been missing this person a lot in like the last week, but this was just insane. So today was odd. And I just remembered all this stuff really clearly that I had forgotten about. Craziness. I've been getting quite nostalgic and looking back and reevaluating things. Such an insane time. And I really want it to be summer. I feel like this summer could just bring about so much good stuff. But maybe I'm investing too much in it. We'll see. That's another of my worries. But we'll see. No matter what, it should be cool. I just hope I get to see everyone a whole lot. Alright, well I'm gonna go do something now. And then sleep. Bye!

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robinly@erols.com
est. July 1998
version 2 Oct. 1999
version 3 April 2002