October 4, 2000 ~ What the fuck. I feel so shitty right now. Not like super deep depressed shitty as I've been feeling recently, but like, internal disrupted uneasiness shitty. I don't like where things are going. And I don't like the idea that I'm investing so much in something that's going there. And what being here has done for me, quite possibly the only thing I'm really feeling good about, is given me a wider view of looking at things. Except this is just causing me to find really deep rooted things that I don't like about all of this. Even if all this weren't here, I don't even know if I feel like investing all of this. And I don't know how I would be doing here without it. How I would be different right now. I don't know. I don't like that I'm thinking this way. But I am, and I think there's good reason that I am, so maybe it's really not that bad. Of course I'll probably just make myself forget about all of this and then have it come up in some horribly painful depressing event in the future. I tend to do that. There's so many things that I always just accepted though, for no really good reason, which when you really look at them are absolutely ridiculous. This is the kind of stuff I'm learning here I think. But it's effecting other parts of my life too much. And I hate that this stuff can cause me to have such negative feelings towards such positive things. It's so fucking horrible. And then it totally feeds into what has been and what I'm sure will be the downfall of it all. Goddamnit. I fucking hate modern society and everything that wasn't looked at or questioned when I was growing up or in high school or whatever. And I fucking hate that people don't look at things from real, good, intelligent, individual places. It's all just so mushed together. And I know I'm totally a part of it, and always will be. But it's all just so stupid. It's all conformity. And not in the whole trendified 'i'm not gonna conform, blah blah blah, yeah individualism' kinda way. But in the way that people do things that are really bad for them, or that they know somewhere they don't really want. And I fucking know I'm still doing this. It's just so unbelievably frustrating to see in other people. And it's all because we're scared and confused and need people and get everything we know and how we think from people. And we all live in society to one degree or another. So I guess it's unavoidable. But you should at least look at what you really think, and why you think the things you think. Where it came from and if you really agree with it. I don't know. I'm rather confused and frustrated myself.
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October 2, 2000 ~ It's October and I get to go home in two weeks and I am sooooooooo excited. I'm kind of worried that it'll make coming back weirder or harder or something though. Although you never know. Maybe it'll just give me new perspective and recenter me. That would be nice. I'm just really looking forward to having things be relaxed and familiar for once. I was realizing today while walking back from my english class, in which there is a girl from my high school, that I talk to her so much differently and more naturally than I do other people here. It's not like I even knew her much or talked to her a lot in high school, it's just that I feel really relaxed around her because it's familiar. Strange stuff. But yeah. I'm really looking forward to that. The next two weeks will be kinda rough though. Next week I've got mad amounts of tests, papers, essays, midterms, etc. So I'm feeling like I really really really need to get my work done this week and get myself caught up so that I can handle next week a little better, but so far that's not happening. Not good. It's so easy to waste time. Last night I got nothing accomplished after I got back from dinner. It was nice though, cause I got to talk to a lot of people. 3 phone calls in one night too. That was very very nice. I've got so many emails to return.... Urgh. I'm being bad about that. Time's so strange here. But anyway, moving on from all this random shit. Last night was weird in terms of one of my conversations. I totally did not appreciate this, but in a different way from how it was meant, it's kind of helped me. I'm realizing that while I'm upset that people don't know me here in the way that people have known me before, I haven't even been seeing myself in that way. If this makes any sense. And I think I've just been feeling so confused and needy here that I haven't really let myself feel like myself. Cause as much as you are who you're seen as and acted toward, there's also the whole element of how you see yourself and how you yourself act. I think I kind of lost sight of that. I don't know if what I'm writing makes any sense or is even what I'm thinking. But yeah. Something like that. I had kind of a rough weekend and a rough few days before that dealing with this whole long distance relationship thing. I'm feeling much better about that now, but it's a tough thing. But I guess there isn't much you can do other than try your hardest and hope everything works out. My brother moved to San Francisco two days ago, and before he left I went out to lunch with him and a friend of his while he was in town. That was really nice, and having him here totally made me feel like myself again. Having someone who really knew me and who I could really act normally around. I don't know. But the three of us are all in long distance relationships now, and we had a good conversation about that. It was nice to kind of hear about other examples of this and how it's working out and at different stages in it and stuff. And just to know that other people are dealing with the same stuff. I really like my brother's friend, and she was so nice and inviting, and I'm really hoping that I'll actually get around to and get up the nerve to contact her and get to know her. I think that would be very cool. I think I feel like I need some real strategy for meeting people here, but I think that that's just really stupid and stressful. I think it's all cause there's a part of me that worries that it won't ever happen. Cause I know people now. I've got people to hang out with on weekends, eat with, etc., but I don't really feel like I've met people who I'm really connecting with or really have a lot in common with. And maybe this is just because I haven't known them long, or maybe it's because the reason I know these people is cause they live near me, not because of anything deeper. I really like all of these people though, it's just not feeling totally right yet. And I'm sure it won't for awhile. Strange strange things. And I think it's so funny how you can learn so much about yourself in learning that you hardly know anything. I really like my roommates. This triple thing's working out really well so far. They're both really nice and interesting people, and I think we get along well. Things that used to bug me don't anymore, and we're all conscious of the possible problems of a 3 person situation, so hopefully we'll be consciously not letting that happen. So I don't know. I think things are going alright. I've been getting upset/antisocial/depressed a bit too much though, but hopefully that'll stop. There's just been a lot to deal with. And I'm pretty behind in a lot of my classes, so that doesn't help much. Actually, I should be catching up on my anthropology reading right now instead of writing this, so I'm gonna go do that now. Hope everyone's doing well. And I betcha I miss ya.
