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Worth It All
I have become so disillusioned. Run dry and bitter and sad. Drunk and addicted to my sadness. I have become so pessimistic. My youthful hopes crushed, my idealisms vexed. The pain and disillusionment of recent years has sunken into my brain and given itself a permanent place. So maybe you never do get over this stuff. Time heals all wounds, ha! We'll see how I am in 30 years. Some lonely 48 year old alcoholic. Bitter and cruel and depressed, calling out random warnings to the people I see. Life is cruel, hold onto your innocence, don't trust your heart to anyone, look out for yourself, don't trust anyone, the world is out to crush you, trust not. That I could see the love of parenting as cruelty, greed. I have a biological want for children. I want, pay no attention to the hell they'll face. The broken hearts, the uncaring faces, the coldness, the pain, the painful realization that nothing is how you were made to think it is. Because people care for you and don't want you to worry about it yet.
But what do I see in this world, this life, that keeps me alive and generally happy? People? Kind of, although they are the main source of the bad. Love? In a way, but this can be the worst. Art? Yes, but it is based in the pain of reality. Those moments of intense rightness, harmony, beauty? Yes, but they last a few seconds.
Still, it must be worth the rest. Musn't it?
(from The Dharma Bums by Jack Kerouac) "'twere good enough to have been born just to die, as we all are." "Oh what a life this is, why do we have to be born in the first place, and only so we can have our poor gentle flesh laid out to such impossible horrors as huge mountains and rock and empty space" "...grasping after life as much as you can because of its sweet sadness and because you would be dead someday." "All my tears weren't in vain. It'll all work out finally." "...and therefore we can't possibly exist. How strange, how worthy, how good for us! What a horror it would have been if the world was real, because if the world was real, it would be immortal." "'do you think God made the world to amuse himself because he was bored? Because if so he would have to be mean.'" "But let the mind beware, that though the flesh be bugged, the circumstances of existence are pretty glorious." "it's such a haunted and pitiful thing to have to live" "Are we fallen angels who didn't want to believe that nothing is nothing and so were born to lose our loved ones and dear friends one by one and finally our own life, to see it proved?"
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