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The Joke War
by Michelle Paquette
Part Two
The Doctor stood in Sickbay, humming an old Earth tune to himself. It had been a quiet day for him, with only a few minor cuts and scrapes to treat. Now he was going through some storage containers in Sickbay,determining what he needed to replicate for the next day.
The whoosh of the Sickbay doors opening jolted him out of his peaceful mood. Alert to a possible emergency, he turned abruptly toward the doors. The Doctor gasped at what he saw.
Tom Paris stumbled into Sickbay, his progress marred by the fact that he could not see where he was going, since his bloodied head was downturned. One hand was held out in front of him, to guide him blindly on his way, and the other was clutched against the side of his head in a feeble attempt to clot the major wound.
The Doctor dropped the tricorder he was holding and rushed to Tom's side. "Mr.Paris! What happened?" he queried, while helping him onto a biobed.
"I... working... Delta Flyer... must have... explosion..." Tom managed to gasp out.
The Doctor snatched up the closest medical tricorder and began scanning Ensign Paris. "What...? There must be something wrong with this tricorder!" he exclaimed. It was giving him normal readings on all counts. According to the device, Tom was in prime condition. The Doctor walked briskly across the room and scooped up a few additional tricorders. Again he scanned the damaged Paris, who was groaning in pain. The Doctor couldn't believe his visual subroutines. He was receiving the same readings as before from every one of the tricorders. They couldn't all be malfunctioning.
The Doctor narrowed his eyes in suspicion and leaned forward for a closer look at Tom's injury. His hair was slick with the red liquid. Droplets seeped from his head onto the biobed and from there dropped one by one onto the floor.
Discreetly, Tom squinted one eye open to peer up at The Doctor. Then he snapped it shut.
The Doctor gingerly put pressure on the bloody area with one hand. "Does this hurt, Mr. Paris?" he inquired.
"Owwww... yes!" Tom moaned.
"Well, how about this?" The Doctor suddenly smacked the side of Tom's head with such ferocity that Tom yelped in pain.
"Hey!" he protested. The jig was up. Tom swung his legs over the side of the biobed and sat up. The Doctor crossed his arms in satisfaction.
"Mr. Paris, in all the years I've known you, you've done some pretty outrageous things to get yourself out of a Sickbay shift, but I never thought you'd do anything so... so.." he sputtered. Finally the right word came to him. "Cruel," he finished.
"It was just a joke, Doc; lighten up," Tom said, surprised by The Doctor's reaction.
"Lighten up?" The Doctor asked incredulously. "LIGHTEN UP?!! First you decieve me into thinking you have a life-threatening injury. Then you lead me to believe I'm going crazy. Plus, you make a mess and a mockery out of my Sickbay! You want me to LIGHTEN UP?!!!"
"I'm sorry; it was just a silly prank. I had no idea you'd react this way," Tom explained genuinely.
The Doctor was beginning to calm down. "I can see how, with YOUR sick sense of humor, this might have been funny. I, however, tend to take my work seriously. From now on, your practical jokes will be confined to areas other than Sickbay. Agreed?"
Tom nodded solemnly. "Agreed." But then he broke into a grin. "Man, you should have seen the look on your face!" He laughed.
The Doctor shook his head and turned away to hide the smile that was threatening to appear on his face. Despite his cynical and sometimes harsh demeanor toward Ensign Paris, The Doctor really did like the young man. Although he would never admit it, he felt that Tom was a refeshing change to the monotonous daily rituals aboard Voyager.
"Just get to work," The Doctor said gruffly. "You can start by cleaning up that mess.'
"Yes, sir!" Tom replied.
* * * * *
"Come one, come all! Get all your practical joke items here!" Harry heard the call before he saw what the fuss was all about.
He rounded the corner and was surprised to see his friend Tom seated behind a table that was just outside the door to his quarters. A number of crewmembers were huddled around the makeshift table, peering at something that held their interest.
Harry, who was mildy curious by this time as to what the big attraction was, made his way closer to the table.
Just then, Tom glanced up and saw Kim. "Hey, Harry!" he called out. "Am I ever glad to see YOU! Come over here and give me a hand."
"What's going on?" Harry replied. Tom started to answer but then his attention was drawn away by a "customer" who had gotten too grabby for his liking. Curiosity steadily increasing, Harry excuse me'd his way closer until he was standing directly in front of the table. He could now see what the fuss was all about.
Strewn across the table were various types of practical joke items à la Tom Paris. Realistic-looking prosthetic bloody fingers with nails poking through them were situated next to oversized rubber snakes and large hairy insects. There was a whole area of the table reserved primarily forjoke foodstuff; delicious looking but vile tasting candies and fake ice cubes with flies trapped inside, among other things.
Harry squeezed past to the other side of the table and took a seat next to Tom. He waited until Paris was finished with his current customer, and then asked, "What are you doing?"
Tom turned to him and grinned. "Supply and demand, Harry!" he explained. "I've found a fun and extremely easy way of earning some extra rations. And it involves doing what I do best: mischeif."
Harry was stil confused. "And exactly HOW are you making rations off of this?"
"Are you blind?" Tom replied. "Look around! This booth is swamped. It cost me one ration to make each of these items. I'm selling them for two. That's a 100% profit! I'll be rich in no time!"
Harry was unconvinced. "Did you talk to the Captain about this?"
"As a matter of fact..." Tom started, but was cut off by the arrival of Commander Chakotay. He had a disturbed look on his face.
Tom smiled and turned toward him. "A problem, Commander?"
Chakotay merely glanced at Tom's products with a frown. "Do you have permission to be running a business on Voyager? I've warned you before..."
"Relax," said Tom. "The Captain knows all about it. She even stopped by my booth a bit earlier." He turned to Harry. "Quite a big spender if I do say so myself. She was my best customer."
Chakotay looked unsure. "Well, if it's all right with Captain Janeway..."
"Of course it is," Tom was quick to reply. "Here, take this, compliments of Tom's Joke Shop." He handed Chakotay a pink balloon-shaped object.
Chakotay grinned as he recognized what it was. "Thanks. Boy, I haven't seen one of these in years," he said wistfully. I'll see if I can put it to use." He walked away.
"What was it?" Harry asked.
Much to Harry's annoyance, "Ancient technology" was Tom's only reply.
"So, you never told me how your prank on The Doctor went earlier," Harry pointed out, changing the subject.
"Oh, that! Well, it didn't go as well as I planned. The Doc figured out something was fishy pretty much right away. But I had him for a second." Tom smiled at the memory. Then he noticed something. "Hey, we're almost out of itching powder. Can you hold down the fort while I go replicate some more?"
"Hold down the what?" Harry asked, but Tom had already disappeared into his quarters. "Hey, what do I get out of it?" he called out.
Tom poked his head back into the doorway. "The satisfaction of knowing you helped out a friend." he answered with a grin.
Harry rolled his eyes and then turned to help the next customer.
* * * * *
The Doctor was just as surprised as Harry had been to see the crowd outside Tom's quarters. He ventured forward for a closer look and caught a glimpse of Harry Kim sitting behind a table with a sour look on his face. He took one look at the joke items on the table and immediately caught on. "Mr. Kim," he called out. "What are you doing here? Where's Mr. Paris?"
Harry glanced up. "He told me he was just going inside to replicate some more itching powder." He looked bored. "But he's been gone too long to be doing just that. Meanwhile, I'm stuck watching his booth."
"I can see that," The Doctor commented. He turned to stare at the woman next to him, who had her arms laden with items. "So, what's good here?" he asked, turning back to Kim.
Harry thought for a second and replied, "Unfortunately, I haven't had any first-hand experience being the victim of any of these pranks, so I can't recommend any, but the itching powder and spiders are our biggest sellers."
"Hmm..." The Doctor reached down and picked up one of the rubber spiders by a leg. It dangled for a second, and then he let it drop back onto the table. "Not exactly what I'm looking for. What else have you got?"
Harry spent the next few minutes pointing out Tom's other items. Finally The Doctor settled on an ice cube with a fly in it and a vial of disappearing ink. (He was also going to buy some green goo, but he had run out of rations.)
Just as The Doctor was turning to leave, Tom re-emerged from the room. "Hey, Doc!" he called out, and The Doctor returned to the table. "I didn't expect to see YOU here."
"Well, I was just passing by, and I saw your booth here, so I thought I'd get a few things," The Doctor explained.
"Mmm-hm." Tom looked skeptical. "I thought you said there would be no prank-pulling in Sickbay."
"Oh, these aren't for Sickbay," The Doctor was quick to reply. "Even though laughter IS the best medicine. I'm going to use the ice cube on Neelix, and I'm not quite sure yet, but I was thinking of using the ink on Ensign Ballard. That man is too fussy for his own good."
Tom laughed at the irony of The Doctor's statement. The Doc was the fussiest man--or hologram--he knew. "Okay then. Well, have fun!"
"Where are you going now?" Harry asked.
"Oh, just the holodeck," The Doctor replied cheerfully.
"You know, that reminds me. I was going to ask you about this earlier, but I forgot." Harry paused for a second, and then continued. "I was helping B'Elanna work on the holodeck yesterday. There was a problem with another one of the holoemitters. It's the fourth one that's been blown out this month. B'Elanna was checking through some programs, and she noticed that your program has been running every time one blows out."
The Doctor looked like he was in shock. "Are you okay?" Tom asked.
The Doctor ignored him. "She ran my program...?" he asked Harry slowly.
Ensign Kim shook his head. "No, I don't think she actually ran it. I guess it doesn't matter now, anyway. B'Elanna finally figured out the problem. It wasn't your program's fault after all. But I noticed you've been on the holodeck every single day for hours at a time. I hope you're not suffering from holo-addiction!" he joked.
The Doctor tried to compose himself. "I don't need a lecture from you, Harry Kim!" he exclaimed, and then pushed his way into the crowd. Several people turned to look at him, wondering the reason for his angry outburst.
"Well, that was weird," Tom commented, after exchanging a glance with Harry. "I wonder why he was so nervous about his program." He looked down at the table. "Look, he forgot his purchases."
Tom picked up the plastic sack and got up from his chair. "I'll go see if I can catch up with him. You don't mind staying here, do you?"
Before Harry could object, Tom had already made it through the crowd and was on his way down the corridor toward Holodeck One.
* * * * *
Tom jogged down the hall with The Doctor's bag, but by the time he arrived at the holodeck doors, they were already closed. He stopped to catch his breath and then considered beeping at the doors for The Doctor to let him in, but decided not to. The hologram had blown up at Harry just for making a simple joke. Imagine what he might do to him!
The Doctor's actions had made Tom curious about one thing: the contents of his holodeck program. If he had reacted so strongly, it must mean he had programmed something he didn't want anyone else to know about. This idea intrigued Tom, and he was up to the challenge.
Speaking aloud, he asked, "Computer, what program is currently running?"
"That information is protected by an encription sequence," was the reply. "Do you wish to continue?"
"No." Tom knew it wouldn't be that easy to find out The Doctor's secret. If he had the name of the program, he could simply recall it from the memory buffer later. But the failure gave him an idea. Now if only he could convince B'Elanna to go along with his plan...
* * * * *
"Absolutely not!" was B'Elanna's reply after hearing Tom's suggestion. "What The Doctor does in the holodeck is his private business. I'm not going to help you ruin that for him."
"But B'Elanna," Tom pressed, "You should have seen the way he acted! The Doctor has a dirty little secret, and I want to find out what it is. No one else has to know; just you, me and Harry."
"Harry!" B'Elanna exclaimed. "You haven't dragged him into this, have you?"
"Not yet," Tom replied. "Look, B'Elanna, no matter what you say, I'm still going to find some way to get a look at that program. The only difference is that it will go a lot faster with your help." He put on his best puppy-dog face and waited for her response.
B'Elanna sighed in resignation. "Fine! I'll do it. I'll see if I can bring up The Doctor's program. But it won't be easy, if he's protected it like you said."
Tom was overjoyed. "Thanks, B'Elanna, I knew you'd help me. And if there's anyone who can break past security passwords, it's you."
"Thanks for the vote of confidence."
Tom smiled and turned to leave Engineering. "Remember to let me know as soon as you've cracked the code."
B'Elanna rolled her eyes toward the ceiling. "I know, I know! I'll tell you first before I go to red alert and announce my findings to the entire crew."
"That's my girl!" Tom joked, and then left.
* * * * *
Tom stopped by Sickbay before returning to his booth. He left The Doctor's purchases with the officer in charge. Then he headed back to his quarters.
The crowd had thinned a bit, but there were still a good number of people cluttered outside Tom's room. He took a seat behind the table. "What's going on, Harry?"
Kim looked at him with a grin. "Business is good, Tom! You're almost sold out." Indeed that was true. Only a few items remained on the table; some of the less popular items such as joy buzzers and packs of snapping gum.
"Good job!" Tom congratulated him. "You're a natural businessman." He patted his friend on the back.
"So, Tom, what are you going to spend all your rations on?"
"Well, I thought I'd replicate something special for mine and B'Elanna's anniversary. It's in a few days, you know." He thought for a moment. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
Harry smiled reassuringly. "Of course it's a good idea! It's romantic."
Tom laughed. "That's exactly what I'm going for."
Harry glanced up at the dwindling crowd. "Maybe it's time to call it a day," he suggested.
"I think you're right," Tom agreed. He stood up and shouted, "Okay guys, the show's over! Come back tomorrow; there'll be a fresh supply!"
The remaining people grumbled softly as they filed off down the hallway. Harry helped Tom bring the table inside his quarters. When they had finished, they sat down, and Tom said, "Oh, I can't believe I forgot to tell you! I convinced B'Elanna to tinker with The Doctor's holoprogram. We should know all about it in no time."
As if on cue, B'Elanna's voice suddenly sounded out from Tom's commbadge. "Tom, this is B'Elanna." She sounded anxious.
"Speak of the devil," Tom whispered to Harry. Kim had a look on his face that showed he did not fully approve of Tom snooping on The Doctor. Before he could say anything, however, Tom replied to B'Elanna. "Hi!" he said. "Are you done already?"
"I sure am." B'Elanna's voice had a strange intonation. "I just started it up. You'll never believe what it is..."
Harry and Tom exchanged a look. "We'll be right there," Paris answered.
END OF PART TWO
