The Joke War
by Michelle Paquette
Part Four
"Thanks, Mr. Paris! I'll be sure to put these to good use." Neelix grinned at Tom. He had just finished shopping at the joke booth and he was pleased with his purchases.
Tom smiled back at the cheerful Talaxian. "Which one are you gonna use on Tuvok?"
"Um, I haven't decided yet between the itching powder and the trick tricorder."
Paris laughed. "I'm sure either one would be hilarious."
"I hope s-" Neelix was interrupted by a beep that came from Tom's commbadge.
"Doctor to Paris, I wish to speak with you in Sickbay right away." The Doctor's voice sounded agitated.
Neelix exchanged a look with Tom. "It sounds serious."
Tom shrugged and replied to The Doctor, "I'll be right there."
He turned back to Neelix. "Hey, you wouldn't mind watching the booth for a little while, would you? It would be a shame if I had to close it up."
"Well..." Neelix started, "I was kind of hoping to pull my prank on Mr. Tuvok right away."
"Oh, that can wait," Tom replied good-naturedly. "Thanks for your help, buddy!" He turned to go.
"Uh-sure thing, Tom." Neelix walked behind the table and made himself at home.
*****
Tom whistled as he walked down the hall to the turbolift. He was in a good mood. Last night during his date with B'Elanna in her quarters, he had managed to short-sheet her bed while she was in the bathroom. Her response had been worth all the trouble he went to. She had sent him a delightfully nasty comm message a few hours after their date had ended. Tom smiled as he remembered.
He reached the turbolift, walked inside, and ordered, "Deck Five." The doors slid open at Deck Five and he stepped out of the small room.
Tom was surprised to see The Doctor standing outside of Sickbay with his arms crossed, as if in a bad mood. "I was beginning to think you had decided not to come," he said sharply as Paris approached.
Tom gave him a quizzical look. "What are you talking about? I came as fast as I could."
The Doctor sighed. He motioned toward Sickbay. "Please step inside, Mr. Paris. I need to speak to you about something."
Tom raised an eyebrow and followed the hologram into Sickbay. The Doctor was not acting like his usual self at all. Tom wondered if it had anything to do with the Annika program.
The Doctor turned around to face Tom. "I'll get right to the point. I'm aware of the fact that you played with my holodeck program. I've been exposed. I suppose I am the laughing stock of Voyager by now." He looked so distraught that Tom actually began to feel sorry for him.
"No! Of course not! I mean, the only ones who saw your program were me, Harry and B'Elanna. And you know us; we wouldn't go around spreading rumors about you."
The Doctor looked relieved. "So Seven... she doesn't know..."
"Well, if she does, it wasn't because of your program," Tom assured him. "Look, Doc, I already knew you liked Seven. It's not such a big deal. But your "Annika" was nothing like her. The only reason I made the changes was so you could see how Seven might react in real life."
"Oh, so it wasn't just some mindless prank?"
"No, no! I did it to help you, I swear!" Tom wanted to make his intentions clear.
Voyager's chief medical officer shook his head and walked into his office. He collapsed into the chair and dropped his head into his hands. "Well, it worked. It made me realize that Seven will never come to care for me as more than a friend."
Tom hesitated, then also stepped into the office. "Even if I made her act more like Seven, Annika's still only a hologram. You need to confront the real Seven with your feelings to get a true response."
The Doctor looked up. "I could never do that. I just don't think I could take the rejection."
Tom sighed. "See, there's your problem. You have no confidence in yourself. Who knows, Seven could have the same feelings for you as you have for her."
"I highly doubt that," The Doctor muttered self-reproachingly. "I'm just a useless hologram. She has her pick of any man on Voyager."
For reasons he couldn't explain, Tom felt compelled to help The Doctor with his problem. "You know that's not true. Seven is always choosing your company over anyone else's. If you ask me, I think she might even have a little crush on you."
The Doctor gave a small smile. "You really think she might?"
Tom smiled back. "Maybe. But even if she doesn't, I guarantee you'll feel much better once you've told her how you feel. You can't just keep torturing yourself without knowing for sure how she feels about you. It's well worth the risk to tell her."
"Well, you've given me a lot to think about, Tom; thank you," The Doctor said, composing himself. "You can go now. I just need to be alone for a while."
Tom gave a brisk nod and left Sickbay.
*****
"Back already?" Neelix was a bit disappointed to see Tom coming down the hallway. He had actually been having a fun time tending the joke booth.
"Yup; I guess you can go torment Tuvok now. Which joke did you decide on? Itching powder or tricorder?" Tom asked.
"Oh, neither," Neelix replied. "I've reconsidered. Just a little puff of laughing gas will have Mr. Vulcan chuckling in no time."
"Well, have fun," Tom called out as Neelix bustled away.
*****
Neelix felt like a spy. For ten minutes he had been sitting in the mess hall, pretending to be immersed in reading a PADD while in reality he was watching Tuvok eat his lunch. The Vulcan was seated alone at a table across the room from him, quietly eating his Chabre Khan while also studying a PADD. Neelix took a sip of tea and watched as Tuvok nibbled on his entrée. Then the Talaxian stood up and began to walk over to Tuvok's table, a small parcel tucked safely into his palm.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Vulcan!" Neelix called out as he approached the table. "Whatcha doing?"
Tuvok looked up. "I am completing the report on food supply status you were assigned to. It is one week overdue, so I took on the task myself."
Neelix frowned. "Was I supposed to do it this month? I don't remember." He changed the subject. "Anyway, I have a question for you. When's the last time you laughed, Tuvok?"
Tuvok, who was still immersed in his PADD, looked up again, this time raising one eyebrow slightly. "I don't laugh. As you know, Vulcans learn at a young age to control their emotions."
"I know, I know," Neelix nodded. "But you'll laugh when you see this!" He instantly whipped out the small canister of laughing gas he had been holding and sprayed a small amount directly at Commander Tuvok. Then he leaned back and waited for the reaction.
At first there seemed to be no effect. People at nearby tables who had turned to stare began to turn back to their meals. Then a strange expression came across Tuvok's face. Neelix could tell he was strugling to hold back the laughter.
"Come on, Tuvok! Laugh!" he encouraged.
"Laugh! Laugh! Laugh! Laugh!" The surrounding crewmembers had again turned toward them and had begun a chant.
Neelix joined the others in their chant as they watched Tuvok's face intently. The struggle raged on until Tuvok could not hold back the laughter any longer. A robust chuckle burst from his mouth. He laughed and laughed until he was out of breath, and still he laughed.
Everyone else in the mess hall was also howling with laughter at the sight of Voyager's chief of security, master of controlling his emotions, overcome with glee.
Even with his seemingly light mood, Tuvok glared at Neelix with his eyes. Neelix was immediately sobered and began to squirm in his chair. Abruptly, Tuvok stood up and staggered toward the mess hall doors. He was still laughing hysterically. Apparently the laughing gas would take a few moments to wear off.
Neelix looked worried. He had only meant the prank to be fun; not to get Tuvok mad at him. Now the Vulcan had probably run off to tell on him. Boy, would he get it from the captain. Neelix shuddered.
*****
Tuvok headed straight to the bridge, and from there to the captain's ready room. Several crewmembers on the bridge gave him strange looks as he passed by. He took a deep breath to try to suppress his laughter.
At the ready room doors, the computer announced Tuvok's prescence with a series of beeps. Janeway answered from within, "Come in."
Tuvok entered with what he thought to be a semi-serious look on his face. Captain Janeway could tell immediately that something was wrong. "What is it, Tuvok?" she asked.
By this time, the chief of security had his laughs mostly under control. He felt a giggle escaping from his mouth and quickly bit down on his lip to stifle it.
The captain raised an eyebrow, waiting for a reply. "I have a complaint against Mr. Neelix," Tuvok said simply. "He has taken it upon himself to play childish pranks on his commanding officers."
"I'm sure that's an exaggeration..." Janeway started.
"I do not exaggerate," Tuvok cut her off. He paused, and then let out a sigh. "Neelix sprayed some sort of hazardous chemical compound in my face which caused my laugh reflexes to act autonomously, without my provoking them."
"Laughing gas!" Janeway exclaimed with a chuckle.
"Captain?" Tuvok inquired, surprised by her response.
"It's perfectly harmless, Tuvok," Janeway replied with a smile. "Laughing gas was an old twentieth century prank. It causes the 'victim' to laugh uncontrollably for a few moments, but then it wears off."
Tuvok pulled out his tricorder and began to scan his face. "I suppose you're right," he finally admitted. "There will be no permanent effects. But I suggest you give Neelix a proper reprimand. That kind of behavior cannot be tolerated."
Janeway looked at him for a moment, and then said, "Tuvok, we have been in the Alpha quadrant for over six years. There are not many things to keep the crew amused. The holodecks help with that, but life on Voyager can still be boring at times." She paused.
"Perhaps some of the crew would benefit from meditation or another quiet activity to keep them occupied," Tuvok put in.
Captain Janeway shook her head. "That might be fine for you, Tuvok, but not everyone shares your interest in spiritual discovery. Playing innocent pranks gives the crew something fun to do."
She walked behind her desk and reached into the top drawer. In her hand were a few small items. "We haven't had shore leave in a while, and I've been feeling a bit bored myself. Yesterday I paid a visit to Tom's joke booth and bought a few things."
"I was not aware of Mr. Paris' 'joke booth'," Tuvok stated.
"I wasn't aware of it myself, until I passed by on my way to the holodeck. Tom replicated a number of practical joke items and he's trading them for two rations each. The booth seems to have gathered quite a following; I went down again today and he was almost sold out!"
Tuvok gave her a strange look. He was mystified by her enthusiasm over such childish toys.
"Look," Janeway said, motioning for Tuvok to glance at what was in her hand. She pointed to a round silver object. "This one's called a joy buzzer. You just wind it up, slip it on your finger, like so, and shake someone's hand." She held her hand out toward Tuvok.
He pulled away. "Perhaps I should stay away from practical jokes, at least for today," he explained.
"Fair enough," Janeway laughed. "But try to understand: even if you don't find pranks amusing, quite a few of us do. Please try to be patient with us."
Tuvok nodded. "I understand. I believe I can forgive Mr. Neelix for his use of 'laughing gas'."
The captain was still smiling. "Very well, then."
*****
The Doctor sat in his office, staring aimlessly at the computer on his desk. Thoughts about what Tom had said earlier filled his mind. The Doctor wondered if he really should tell Seven the truth about his desire to start a relationship with her. It might not be such a great idea; she might be repulsed and never wish to speak to him again. But, like Tom suggested, he could be missing out on a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. It was like that old Latin saying, 'Carpe Diem'. Seize the day. Life wasn't worth living if you never took any chances. And if he didn't act now he might lose his nerve.
His mind made up, The Doctor rose from his chair. "Computer, where is Seven of Nine?"
"Seven of Nine is in Cargo Bay Two," was the reply.
The Doctor extracted the holo-emitter out from underneath its clear protective dome. He attatched it to his sleeve and walked purposefully out of Sickbay. It was time for a visit to Cargo Bay Two.
*****
"Seven of Nine's Personal Log; At ten hundred hours, Mezoti attempted to frighten me with what she called a 'rubber' serpent. I was undeceived, but disturbed by the incident. At twelve hundred hours, I arrived in Astrometrics, only to find a console coated with a slimy green fluid. I found the arbitrators, Rebi and Azan, and ordered them to clean up the mess. After three uneventful hours, I had begun to think the tricks were finished, but as I walked down a corridor, Icheb stepped out in front of me and squirted a black liquid onto my clothing. I was dismayed to see that it left a dark stain, and I ordered Icheb to gather the other children and meet me in Cargo Bay Two. After changing into a new outfit, I told the children that because of their misbehavior, they would have to begin their regeneration cycles two hours earlier tonight. The children were upset with my announcement and Icheb told me to look at my stained outfit. The dark stain was gone. I was surprised, and Icheb informed me that the liquid he had sprayed at me had been 'disappearing ink',which he had acquired from Tom Paris yesterday."
Seven paused as she heard a visitor announce their prescence outside the door. "End log," she said aloud.
The door beeped again. "Come in," Seven called out.
The doors slid open to reveal The Doctor. He walked in with a smile. "Hello Seven! How are you today?"
Seven felt a smile forming on her face. She couldn't explain it, but she felt the most happy whenever she was near The Doctor. She swallowed and answered, "I'm doing well. And yourself?"
"I'm just fine, thanks. So, how was your day?"
Seven took this opportunity to tell The Doctor about the childrens' pranks. He laughed when she told him about the disappearing ink.
"I bought some of that myself a few days ago," he mentioned.
Seven looked confused. "What is the crew's fascination with these 'practical jokes'?"
"It's just something fun to do. As long as no one gets hurt, practical jokes can be very amusing," The Doctor explained.
Seven of Nine pondered this. "Perhaps I punished the children too harshly. I ordered them to regenerate two hours earlier tonight."
"It might have been a liitle too much," The Doctor agreed. 'But they certainly could benefit from a few extra hours of regeneration, healthwise, at least. Those children never seem to sleep."
"They're quite a handful," Seven commented. "I'm glad Neelix helps me watch them."
After this last comment, the two of them fell silent. The Doctor remembered the reason he came to speak with Seven.
He took a deep breath and began to speak, but Seven started to speak at the same time. The Doctor let out a nervous laugh. "Go ahead," he said.
"I was going to ask you if you would like to do some singing on the holodeck later. We haven't spent much time together lately," she added a bit awkwardly.
"No we haven't," The Doctor agreed. "I would love to. How does twenty-one hundred hours sound?"
"Perfect. Now what were you going to say?" Seven waited for a response.
"Um..." The Doctor started. It was the perfect time to tell her his feelings, but for some reason he couldn't bring himself to say the words aloud. "I--I just wanted to remind you that you are due for a checkup in a few days." It was a feeble answer, he knew, but now was not the time to tell her the truth. It just didn't feel right.
Seven gave him a strange look. "I never forget," she pointed out.
"I know; it was just a friendly reminder," the hologram said. "Well, I guess I'll see you on the holodeck later." He started to walk away.
"Goodbye," Seven called after him.
*****
As soon as he was outside, The Doctor groaned and drew a hand across his forehead. How could he have been such a coward? He shook his head as he thought of how foolish he had been. He gave one last glance at the doors to Cargo Bay Two and then turned away.
END OF PART FOUR
