THE WIT
& WISDOM OF RASTA THE WONDERDOG.
I'm the top dog in the household and this is where I strut my stuff. By the way...the picture above is of my hero The Footrot Flats Dog drawn by Murray Ball
ON LIFE
The way I see it, you're only here to chew so many bones and dig so many holes, so I figure that you should do both as much as possible before the great dog in the sky calls. A few good rolls in delicious rotting matter don't go astray either.
ON BONE-ISM
Bone-ism is the way of the dog. It is a discipline only learned by few, but aped by many. It was passed on to me by my mother many full moons ago (fathers don't pass it on, because they never stay around) anyway I digress...where was I, that's right Bone-ism, well I can't tell you because it's a secret us dogs keep to ourselves, but I can tell you that it revolves around the worship of the bone (I hear that some female humans have a version of their own, but that's another story).
ON HUMANS
Weird mob and quite stupid I think, they throw a stick and yell something like "fetch". I know it's a stick so why call it a fetch? Any why should I run around the garden and bring it back? Why throw it in the first place? If I could work this lot out I'd be the King of Dogs!
And boy do they like water with yucky tasting stuff in it, the minute I acquire that wondrous odour of rotting matter they hold me down and I have to suffer the indignity of that wet stuff all over me. Mind you, it's fun getting them to run around the garden yelling and waving their arms by rolling in the sandpit and vegie patch while my coats still wet, ha ha ha, idiots!
They are good for some things though, my mistress shows some glimmer of intellect not expected in their breed, I've trained her to scratch my belly if I assume the position. I think that I'll have to teach her not to hit the spot that makes my back leg twitch though, it's not quite the done thing for a dog of my stature to endure, I do have a position to maintain you know.
I haven't been able to establish communication with them yet on the matter of food,(but that's not expected of an inferior breed is it?) My mistress seems to think that I want food with pictures of dog on it, I can't seem to get through to her that I want what she feeds her pups. Oh well, this page will be even better when she gets a real picture of me up there instead of that footrot flats dog!
Hopefully Rasta the Wonderdog will get access to the keyboard another day and I'll update it.
THE WIT & WISDOM OF RASTA THE WONDERDOG PART 2
ON MY ROLE IN THE HOUSEHOLD
I had to remind these humans of my standing in the household again the other night, I PROTECT THE PREMISES! Stupid humans don't seem to appreciate all the effort I put into barking. I think I sound quite majestic barking at shadows like that, but I'd be happier if those cats weren't sneering at me through the gate, humph!
The other day my mistress cornered a mouse in the kitchen, trouble is she kept getting in my way. Here I was bravely nipping at the thing and she kept trying to brain me with a fire poker. Mind you when I finally did bite the mouse it tasted quite icky and I'm not sure I like things in my mouth wriggling so much, that's when I decided to make her feel better and let her kill the mouse herself. A dog's got to let them know whose boss occasionally you know.
ON THE CORRECT ORDER OF THINGS...
Since I'm the top dog here I reserve the right to barge through doorways first. These pups of my mistress can't quite grasp the fact! They just shove me out of the way when I take my rightful place in the doorways, I can see I've got quite a job on my hands training them, the mistress has me worked out and the master...well he packs quite a wallop, so I've decided to let him in first when he's home.
ON FURNISHINGS...
Humans have the most comfortable kennels I swear.. those things they sit on to watch the moving pictures are heaven. They even have smaller square soft things to get really comfortable on, I must admit though, they're a bit of a problem when I turn three times to get comfy, they keep falling off! And the stuff they put on the floor, strangest grass I've ever seen! For some reason my mistress gets really upset when I vomit on it, I really don't know what the problem is...perhaps it's because the birds can't get in to clean it up?!? I'm rather incensed, she actually threw me outside when I vomited last time, the cheek of her!
I suppose next she'll be banning me from using this keyboard!
Mistress's note: I very nearly did, he's getting too arrogant!
THE WIT & WISDOM OF RASTA THE WONDERDOG - PART 3
In order to understand these humans more I've taken a virtual leap of faith....just call me REVEREND RASTA THE WONDERDOG! Yes I've become a minister of the "Universal Life Church" and I have my certificate to prove it. After all, I've been wearing a dog collar for years now anyway.
As usual I digress....yes well, humans are a strange species, I've noted that they spend hours watching the moving picture box with little men running on grass chasing balls....and it's called a religion! Can you believe it?! So I figure that in order to get their undivided attention, like the box, then I should become a minister! Funny thing is that it's not quite working. I am truly puzzled!
On discrimination
It has come to this dog's attention that we dogs as a species are being discriminated against. Just the other day my mistress took me for a walk to the place where the nice smells come from, so being the protector of the family I strode right on in.....well you never heard of a bigger ruckus and embarrassment on my part when I was actually ordered out of the establishment and tied up outside! Hummph! My mistress said "no dogs allowed"...it seems that I'm not allowed in many places, the place where the kids go everyday, the place that when men come out they walk funny and sing silly songs and bark at the ground...and even the front garden. Am I a prisoner to be led by the neck by a rope, attached to a collar I can never remove? If you prick me do I not bleed?
Mistress's Note: At this point I had to forcibly pull Rasta from the keyboard, he was quite HOT under the collar and foaming at the mouth. When he calms down I'll let him make more contributions to my HP.
on nourishment.
We dogs as a species, being a higher intelligence and all that, need a special diet. The one thing I can't get through to my mistress (and this still troubles me greatly) is that she's got to stop feeding me dogs! I am not a cannibal! These tins she opens, it's obvious that they're filled with....oh horror upon horrors....CANINES! The pictures on the front, can't she see them?!!! All dogs! The poor pups in the pictures don't seem to realise that they're destined for the can, they're actually smiling. One thing for sure, I'm going to hide when she brings out that picture taking machine, no way am I being turned into tinned fodder!
Meat! I yell at her MEAT! I've seen real cans of meat, they've got pictures of cats on them. Occasionally she gets the hint, when she's preparing the humans meals and cutting up dead cows and sheep she throws me the odd tidbit, but somehow I've got to get through to her, hmmm.....maybe a midnight raid on those woolly four legged things out in the paddocks might give her the hint.
These human pups are a mystery....they're even harder to train than the grown humans. NO respect I tell you....when I'm having a wonderful well earned rest by the fire, they jump on me, when I'm having another well earned rest on the soft human seats, they sit on me, when I'm hiding under the eating platform, they kick me! Mind you, I've trained them to pass bits of human food down to me, all I have to do is give them the signal (dribble and drool...most unbecoming, but it seems to get through to them) and they give me all sorts of delicious things to sample, after all, I do reserve the right to sample all the food in the house.
Sometimes I help out the mistress and babysit the monsters so she can have her turn at the keyboard, I assume the position and allow them to groom me, most kind of me I must say, however I do draw the line at being dressed in human clothing. I do not find the wearing of human apparel at all appealing or humorous for that matter (must have a word with the mistress about that one!)
Must also have a word with the mistress about those round coloured objects that the human pups play with, I'm sure they're a weapon of destruction. I first saw one when they had a pup party here, there were dozens of the things loose in the house. The mistress realised the danger and tied them up in bunches around the room, but without heeding my warning she undid them and passed them out to the visiting pups as they left....doesn't she realise how dangerous these things are?!!! I saw three of them explode! Just about blew my ears out! And she doesn't seem to notice, not even when I sat right on her feet the whole time! I followed her as close as I could, but she still didn't understand about the danger these things pose. Oh dear, they're playing with some more now, I think I'll finish this up today and retire to a safe position under this desk.
Mistress's note: It's difficult for Rasta to type when he's shaking so much!
A note to all you other pooches out there, there is food aplenty to be found in the human homes....if you know where to look of course...and I, RASTA the Wonderdog am here to enlighten you!
Firstly don't bother sniffing round the object that holds your food, go straight to the source....under the table! Here I have found the most marvellous of flavours, just right for the discerning dog. A word of warning however, don't let the grown up humans know that you are there, creep under before the food is served and lie very, very quietly. To put the food plan into action wait until you hear the human pups whining (ungrateful I reckon) and then gently nudge the pups legs....food will magically appear below the table from their hands!
Another good source of food is in the kennel where the moving pictures are...the pups often cart food in there, sniff around a bit at the back of the soft things they sit on and usually there's a few yummy odorous bits and pieces there too.
Lastly, if you can escape your confines, even for five minutes, there's always a garden nearby with cat food left lying around too, I know because I've been raiding the one down the road for quite a while now.
These humans have strange methods of communication....most of it is incomprehensible yaps and whines, mind you I'm picking up a few words now...like "down" which means jump up and put your dirty paws on their fronts, and there's "sit" which means stand steady on all four paws and look at them with your head on a cute angle, and lastly there's "out" which I know means I have to go outdoors, but this one doesn't have to be obeyed immediately, it sorta means to lie on the floor like a dead weight and pretend that you're asleep. One yap that is starting to worry me is "diet". Last time I head my mistress say this she stopped feeding me tidbits and chocolates and stuff and I had to raid the cats food more often...trouble is she said it again the other day and now they're only sticking dry yucky things in my bowl and even the pups aren't giving either. I'm worried! Funny thing is too...my mistress has been putting that rope thing on me and dragging me up and down the streets everynight this week, maybe she's too fat and needs my protection.
I have the most important task in the household in the Winter months....I must seek out the warmest parts of the human kennel to alert the humans. I am most indignant when they seem to think that once I have found them that they are entitled to a share of the warmth!! Just the other day I had the front of the fire pegged and my mistress actually had the gall to shove me out of the way, mind you I didn't like the look of the pile of wood she was dropping next to where my head was....I still don't know what all the fuss was about, her foot will feel better soon.
(Mistress's note: Yes, he's on a diet, he's looking more like a coffee-table than a dog!)
My job as protector in the home is getting harder and harder these days....boy what a dog has to do to earn his biscuits these days! For instance, once or twice a week my mistress lugs this evil red round animal out of the cupboard, ties it's lead to the wall, and then pushes its belly button. I keep barking at her to tell her that it doesn't like it, I mean it's pretty obvious, it growls constantly and not only that.....it sucks up everything in sight!! Greedy thing snaffles all my crumbs off the carpet too. I've figured out that biting it's head while my mistress wrestles with it does nothing to stop it, so I run ahead and eat everything I can before it gets there. I'm not sure, but I have the impression that my mistress actually enjoys the physical activity....maybe it's one of those strange human sexual rituals or something.
She has another strange ritual she performs with the shed animal too. This one is even more evil. . Part of this ritual involves pulling its' tail several times, if it doesn't growl back at her, she gets quite hot under the collar and tries to growl at it! Sometimes the ritual looks like fun so I join in, and then she growls at me too! I'm starting to get jealous of this animal so I've decided to follow her when she takes it for a walk. Funny thing is that she never leaves the yard, just goes up and down and round and round the grass area. Strange beasties these humans, you never know what they're going to do next.
I take my role of greeter of guests very seriously.....(take note of this younger pups), a house dog must ALWAYS be the first to the door and gate to greet the guests to the house! It is most improper for the humans or their pups to get there first, so the minute you hear footsteps, car tyres or such like, jump up and race out. Don't worry too much if a human is in the way, they should know better, just push through as best you can. Once I even had the chance to escort guests by myself when my master and mistress went out, funny thing is that these guests used the window around the back of the house to enter. They were most unappreciative too, after using me to hold their torch for them, they didn't even let me in!!!
Since I have spent the last 8 years caring for my human family I have developed some interesting strategies for escaping my confines. Not wanting to waste this talent I have decided to launch my new career as "Rasta, the Houdini Wonderdog!!"
My earliest trick was to slip any collar the humans put around my neck. Next I progressed to undoing the collars...that stumped the humans for a while. But my newest and best trick is to open the garden gate. It's amazing really, the human pups can't do it, but all I have to do is......no I won't tell you, that would be giving away trade secrets now wouldn't it?! Suffice to say, that it works and I can come and go as I please. My next trick will be how to recognise the human that steals dogs and takes them away in the white car.
(Mistress's note: When I catch him doing it I'm gonna ground him for sure!)
This is a tricky one and involves a lot of barking and puffing up of the fur. The easy way out however, is to wait until the humans close all exits and then when another rival trots past leading it's owner, you can be as ferocious as you like without having to prove it. I once perfected this routine by visiting the house next door, barking at a rival, then making a mad dash through their open front door, out the back, over their fence, into my yard whereby I commenced the most convincing part of the act through the fence. I'm sure my humans and the neighbour humans were impressed because they all shook their heads with pride!!
Your body, my dear fellow canines, is your temple, and your coat is your pride and joy. If you want to catch the eye of that elusive bitch down the road, you have to look after it.
Remember, ALWAYS find the smelliest pile of rotting animal that you can. This is where you get the best doggy perfumes. Lay down and roll as long as you can, making sure you cover every part of your coat in that delicious odourous muck. The trickiest part of this beauty routine is avoiding the humans. Beware! If they find it on you they get extremely jealous and try to clean it off so they can smell the most instead of you.
The etiquette of grooming is as follows:
If you're real smart you'll harrass the mistress long enough and she'll get the hint and get the spikey thing down and give you the most wonderful massage.
Remember canines HAVE FUR PRIDE!
A few of the rules of grooming also apply to this subject (see 2 and 3 above). If you've got that itch scratch it well, one hint though....if you have to drag your backside along the ground to complete the job, don't do it in front of the humans. They'll shove yukky round things down your throat!
Mistress's Note: Rasta is not letting on that he is too fat now to jump 4ft fences, let alone lick his own bum!
On human hygiene
As usual the humans continue to amaze me....I've watched them for ten years now and I still can't figure out how they clean themselves.
If you look closely they have some serious design faults. For instance, their tongues are too small and most of the time not nearly furry enough to tackle the grungy daggy bits that end up you-know-where. They can't even reach their noses to lick off that green stuff and they miss out on all those wondrous flavours that your coat can pick up on any given day in the yard. I've seen the younger ones cleaning themselves after eating so I've come to the conclusion that they lose the ability to lick as they get older (or are they practising in private?)
Mind you they do have a disgusting habit.....they fill up the big pond in the wet room....AND THEY SIT IN IT!!! My mistress even stands in a tiny kennel and lets the water run all over her! Actually I like it when she stops the water because if I'm quick enough I can run in there and lick up the fresh stuff (saves going outside). Which leads me to the next topic....
On body wastes
It has taken me many years, but I have finally developed the ultimate staying power.... the power to expand my kidneys to amazing proportions. This power is worth developing if you are an indoor dog. When the weather is wet, very hot or you are just plain comfortable on that soft bed there's no need to move yourself to go outside.
The opposite power is one many dogs have mastered...the Art of Many Urinations. Practice for this art begins as a pup. When your master takes you for a walk, cock a leg at every available tree, post or bin. It may take a while, but you'll be amazed at how quick you'll be letting loose a good stream even at the end of the walk...it's all about pacing yourself. My best record is fifteen.
Something still worries me about the grown humans...they take food in, but I haven't seen them squat yet?!!! Amazing creatures. I've tried teaching them how, every day I make sure I leave a couple of good size droppings on the garden, just to let them know the proper routine should they ever need it, but they are too dumb to work it out, my mistress just makes funny faces each morning as she cleans it up. How can I possibly get through to these humans?
Sometimes I dream of the heady rush of the wind in my jowls, my fur flying in the wind, as I lean dangerously, perilously, forward from the back of a ute. I can hear myself bark..."I'm the King of the World!!"
But unfortunately, the reality is me inside the humans vehicle, head down, (and oh so embarrassing..) bringing up every meal I ever ate. Which begs the question.. why do the humans insist on dragging me into the car once a year?
This is another human word I know and one every dog should listen for. If you can figure it out quick enough, you'll have enough time to hide under the human pups bed, or down in the garden where they'll never find you.
They do unspeakable things to dogs (and other animals) in that place. Here's a hint for all you pups out there...you'll know where you are when you go there, the first thing you smell IS THE FEAR!!!! And whatever you do..DON'T STAND UP! The minute you do they'll stick a hard thing up the old 'hyber-pass', such an indignity shouldn't happen to our proud race. The next thing that happens isn't so bad, they'll shorten those annoying claws. But I think they could control the insects a little better, I always get stung on the flank before I get out of there (maybe I should roll in a little fresh cow manure before I go in to deter the little buggers).
You know I really do love my humans, but there are times when they really stretch the limit...for instance some time ago they took me to this place with other dogs AND THEY LEFT ME THERE! Yeah, well, they did come and get me some time later, but how could they do this to me?
The conditions were terrible...no warm fire to lie in front of, no sleeping platform to laze around on in day when the humans weren't watching, no scraps of food under a table and no soft couch to laze on the rest of the time. There was just (cringe) cages all in a row. As I was led past a large Rotty, I swear I heard him pucker up and blow me a kiss with an ugly leer! Luckily I was in a cell next to a couple of chatty canines and we swapped tales of life in general while we did our time in hell.
The food as you can expect wasn't up to my standards either, but I guess when you're doin' time, ya gotta do it tough.
I certainly learnt a thing or two and made some lifelong buddies, but when my time was up and the humans came to collect me, I was ready to be the best dog on the block to avoid this punishment again.
I don't know why I got that tattoo though... the fur's grown over it already!
On Human Celebrations
My humans are behaving strangely again...they seem to do this about the same time each year. The first inkling I get of it is when they rustle around in dusty places and bring forth a big green fake tree that I'm not allowed to wee on. Next they put all these bright things on it and yell at me if I go near it, and worst of all they put these blinking lights all over it and I can't get any decent shuteye when the stupid things are on.
But it doesn't stop there....this is followed by weeks of silliness on their part. They go out an awful lot and leave me home alone with the blinking lights and when they come back they've been enjoying themselves and haven't taken me!
At least I know when it's all over....that's the morning the kids get up before the sun and run amok in my sleeping area (how dare they). They rip all this paper up and make lots of big noises (oh what a dog has to bear). But I can't complain about all of it, the best part is the meal that day....the food is wonderful and there's heaps of it leftover for canines. The humans are so tired and full that I can sneak just about anything and not get caught...sure beats escaping to steal the next doors' cat food anyday!
On old age
Yes, the sage of dogs is growing old. My muzzle is now nearly all grey and I can't seem to get going so good these days. Life is tough when it takes three tries to make it up onto the mistress's sleeping platform. Aaah...but I can still remember the puppy days in my mind and now and again I get a little frisky and play with the kids, but most of the time I prefer to sleep. At least that's what I used to do until this bird business.
On Birds
I'm starting to wonder about my mistress's sanity. For a while now she's been putting seeds in a container in the tree for the birds. I was quite thankful too, because it bought in some really bright ones and I had such fun stalking them and scaring the living daylights out of them when she wasn't looking. Really, you ought to hear the language of those parrots, it's disgusting. I take my job seriously in protecting the ears of my owners....but what's worrying me is that now she's talking to one of the bright red and green ones and I don't think she realises what it's saying back to her. She thinks it's being cute, but I know the language and for every cute thing she says, it's using four letter bird words. I try my best to scare it away, but she's taken to closing the door on me when this bird arrives. Humans can be so dumb, they don't realise what these feathery things are really saying to them and I can't be held responsible!
THE WIT & WISDOM OF RASTA THE WONDERDOG... PART 11On Respect:
You know, dogs of our age have a hard time keeping our humans reminded that we of the Autumn years need and deserve special attention. For instance, when I need to go outside to attend to the art of many urinations, whether it be in the middle of the night or day, my owners should jump to attention. I just don't know where I've gone wrong with my training of them, because the other night I had to walk up and down the hallway at least a dozen times to wake someone. I even threw in a few heavy sighs. What's the matter with these humans, can't they see in the dark?!
On the art of being invisible:
When you get to my age you learn a great many things to do with the Way of the Bone. One of them is the ability to bend space and light to make yourself invisible.
Now listen up you young pups this is important...when the humans pick up metal things that jangle, its the signal that they are planning to go out, and you know what that usually means...that's right, outside for us. Now that's fine if you like a run, but if you don't you'll have to learn the art of invisibility.
First, when you hear those metal noises, whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE, don't even twitch an eyelid. One move and the humans will see you again. Remain in the invisible mode until you are sure they have locked the door and then you can relax again. This will work 80% of the time, I still haven't figured out why sometimes the humans can see through the cloak of invisibility, but it must have something to do with the temperature outside.
On earning your wages:
If your not working cattle or sheep you'll need this advice. Us domestic canines must always remind the humans how necessary we are. (It makes the humans appreciate us more).
First step is to get together with all your neighbourhood buddies and hatch THE plan. It goes like this...have them slip the leash occasionally and visit your yard (always when the humans can see). Wait until the humans say "Sick em....." and then run out and bark like mad at your mate. He/she has to make it look authentic by running as fast as possible, though there is no need to tuck the tail between the legs.
Another plan is to get your mates to run to the gates and bark like mad when your human takes you for a walk, then you can strain at the leash a little and bark just to look good.
One word of caution though, if a strange human is lifting human stuff out of windows, don't hold the torch for him. My humans still haven't forgiven me for that one