Ingredients:
| 1 or 2 unlimited Bank Accounts |
| A truck load of money |
| One powerful PC with all the doohickies |
| One money hungry ISP |
| Many diskettes and extra hard drive space |
| An understanding partner/family |
Method:
Liberally grease a large PC with a truck load of money and add the chopped packet of bytes. Cook lightly and then add the ISP, several diskettes and a few well chosen swear words.
If the mixture looks a bit frozen, turn off the power to the PC and prepare to throw the lot out the window and start again.
If all is going well and the bytes are simmering along at about 28.8 kbps, download into the mixture a bug free browser and zip program. These should cook for approximately 15-20 minutes.
After clicking on the browsers to free up the lumps you are ready to enter the final stage of the cooking process. It is at this point that you must watch your own braincells as the mixture becomes volatile and inhalation may cause you to lapse into a coma-like condition which can last for several hours at a time on a daily basis. This is especially so if you have added a chat program or two, or a xxx site for extra spice!
At this point you should also speak to your family, as it may be the last time they get a coherent thought from you for the rest of the year. (Such is the danger of this brew!)
Finally, prepare a side order of numerous cups of coffee, packets of chips (crisps), and blocks of chocolate. Serve hot at any time of the day!
CAN BE PREPARED 20 YEARS AHEAD
| 1 HARDSKINNED HUBBY | |
| 1 COMFORTABLE SOFA | |
FILLING: |
|
| 1 TV REMOTE CONTROL | 6 PACK OF BEER |
| 1 PACKET CHIPS (CRISPS) | 1 FAMILY SIZE PIZZA |
| 1 LARGE SERVE NACHOS | 1 MELTED CHEESE SANDWHICH |
| 15 YEARS PATIENCE | A LIFETIME OF LOVING CARE |
| 1 OUNCE OF RESIGNATION | |
Cram one thick-skinned hubby into a well worn greased and comfortable sofa and leave to set (probably will take length of one sport show), remove from family room and bring to kitchen to finish filling.
Mix TV remote control,chip packet, pizza, hotdog, nachos and cheese sandwhich on a large tray. Add six pack of beer slowly (to avoid excess gas) bind with a lot of patience, loving care and resignation. Be careful to place hubby and filling carefully back in front of the TV so as not to disturb the view of the screen and leave to solidify indefinitely.
Head back to your computer and HAVE A MARVELLOUS TIME CHATTING WITH YOUR ONLINE FRIENDS UNMOLESTED!!!!!
| One large sheet |
| One video player |
| One 'Toy Story' video |
| Half a supermarket of perishable goods |
| One deaf ear |
| One 'Rastahoover' |
On a previously clean surface, lay one sheet to stretch from one corner of the room to the other.
On this place two small children (more if required), spread with the perishable goods.
Finally, insert the video, close the door and simmer for one movie length, occasionally turning a deaf ear when the cooking becomes too vocal.
At the end of the session employ the *Rastahoover to clean the crumbs off the sheet.
*Rastahoover - denotes Rasta the Wonderdog in garbage mode!
| 1 very lazy dog | 1 fireplace mat |
| 1 packet of chocolate biscuits | 1 warm fireplace |
| 1 small side table | 1 cup coffee/tea |
| A bloody good book |
Method:
Place one comfy soft fireplace mat on the floor to warm in front of the nearest heater on a cool day. Next drag an easy chair close to the rug, make yourself a cup of coffee. While the coffee is brewing, find yourself a great book that you have been wanting to read for months and place this on a small table next to the chair. Finally sneak into the pantry and very, very quietly open a packet of chocolate biscuits without crackling the paper.
If you are successful at not alerting the dog/children/husband/wife of your whereabouts, creep towards the chair with your booty and prepare to sit down. By this time the dog should be in place (of his own accord) hogging all the heat from the fire and looking up at you expectantly with a gleam in his eyes and dribble forming in the corner of his mouth.
Now..this next step must be done very smoothly and quickly so as not to alert the dog of your intention. In one movement drop the biscuit on the table, grab the end of the rug and roll the dog up in it and drag the offending mongrel out of the room. Before he can unravel himself slam the door, sit in the chair with a big satisfied smile on your face and ENJOY!
Ingredients:
| 1 Net enhanced pc | 1 chopped MIRC (Powwow or ICQ will do) |
| Yet another brain portion | 1 microphone (keyboard will suffice) |
| 1 set of headphones | 1 acronym dictionary |
| A good sense of humour |
Method:
In a medium sized pc melt a lump of
MIRC,(Powwow or a sprinkle of ICQ will do). Add to this a portion of your brain
and cook until golden brown.
In a separate container mix up equal parts of time, money and drive space and
add this to the cooked brain mixture. To add texture to the chowder, you should
now add the microphone, headphones and acronym dictionary. Cook for about 20
mins, or until you have cricked your neck attaching the peripherals.
To add spice to the mixture, throw in a good sprinkling of online friends,
lovers and various weirdos and give the whole thing a good stir.
To test if the chowder is cooked, look deeply into the pc and if you see a split
screen, lots of unrelated alphanumerics, beeps or robotic speech, you have
genuine chat chowder.
Serve daily with a side order of munchies and cups of coffee.