My Journal

JUNE 2006

6-26-06
Four months have passed since my last entry at this website. A lot has happened in that time. I could take the time and maybe bring up everything that happened, but I choose to now focus on the future.

It is true that I tried to take my own life in early March. Obviously that didn't work. I tried awfully hard that night, but I came out alive after a brief coma and breathing machine and then hospital stay. Strangely enough, that attempt was a reflection of my exhaustion rather than meds being off. Meds have not changed one bit.

It was about my exhaustion of carrying death around with me as a fail safe mechanism or self injury- just carrying around self-destruction. In the big picture, I was still choosing death over life. I made my choice that night. Luckily, I survived that choice to make another one.

Even after living, I continued a downward spiral. Who would've thought that I could still fall even after a suicide attempt? You can. Because I still refused to choose my health over everything else. I refused to slow down. I was a stubborn ass about death.

Two months after being a stubborn ass, I hit rock bottom. I wasn't graduated from college, I was poorer than anything, I was about to lose my apartment, my license, my car- everything. I didn't get yet that I needed to be responsible FIRST and not second. I was really good at cleaning up my messes...but I didn't get that I needed to stop making them in the first place. All good things in time, right? Then I rose. I did clean up my messes.

Except one. That death business. I was still being wishy-washy. But the thing about death and those that care about you is that you can't be wishy washy. They don't want to see you die...or even think about death. I had an apartment, a car, four wonderful animals, a job that I loved in a town that I call home. Seems like there is a beginning to life there. I still couldn't see it.

Until a certain woman, had a few short words, to give me the biggest kick in my ass that I have ever gotten.

That's when I learned that making the biggest decision of my young life would come in an unlikely way. That's when I learned that I would be making that decision. I chose life one Tuesday afternoon. Right smack in the middle of a therapy session with a child. He was raising all kinds of hell. Eventually he settled down and he started learning some new language. And I sat there and thought, in the middle of giving him a token for saying the correct sentence, I can't die, I have too much to live for.

And that was it. Decision made.

I have some writing below that explain that decision more thoroughly, but I thought it would be nice to have an introduction, since it has been a long time. I am going after life now- looking forward to making new friends and exploring this life that I shunned for so long. I hope that maybe some of what I've written below can help you on your journey. For sure, there will be a shift in the focus of this site, as I grow in my new life. But, I look at it as a fun opportunity- to explore life and all it has to offer.

And who knew that life could bring me so many smiles? Oh yeah, the woman that kicked me into this life :-)

6-26
Today I begin my life. I’m twenty three years old and finally beginning my life. I lived years before today, but that was in a twisted reality that I first survived in and later created for myself. All of those years were with death beside me. I was with fear and hatred and anger. I did my own self destruction to save the world from providing its own destruction to me. If I struck first, then it didn’t leave any room for the world to do it.

Ten years ago bipolar first manifested itself in my fragile thirteen year old self. Ten years ago I began the process of forgetting all of the years that preceded thirteen. I worked hard to forget any and all abuse. I didn’t exist before 1996. I then lent myself to my mothers world of perfection. My years then ebbed and flowed with my free ranging moods. I created a new world for myself that would both protect me from any knowledge of a life before thirteen and shielded myself from the true knowledge of the madness flowing through my brain. In this twisted reality, I lived.

Six years ago, I had a break in reality. Full blown mania overtook me and then left me to die with depression. I began survival once more. I no longer trusted anything in the real world. There were all these hospitals, medications, doctors and therapists. I didn’t recognize my family and my family didn’t recognize me. Everyone wanted to know my secrets and when I told the truth, no one wanted to hear it. I didn’t even know the secrets I held.

Four years ago I stopped forgetting and started remembering. I didn’t have a break from reality, I had a dose of reality. Little by little I remembered what happened before thirteen. With remembering I took hatred, fear and anger with me. With remembering I kept death by my side, always a fail safe mechanism. If this new reality was one I could not tolerate, death would save me. I drew my battle lines with the world and began to fight. I declared war on every facet of my life. I lost many battles, but was still alive.

Sixteen weeks ago, I didn’t know if I would be alive. All those years fighting and I was exhausted. I played Russian Roulette with my pills. Fate won. I won. I received my taste of death. I found support and caring. I watched my life crumble still. I still couldn’t let go of the reality I formed in my mind. I still wanted to cause my own destruction. I still refused to give up control.

Six days ago I let go. I gave up death. I gave up fear. I gave up hate. I gave up my exceptions. Hope tore through me. I felt a painful hole envelope my heart and soul. Death had always been there to fill up that hole. Now I found the strength to just let go. Life found itself suddenly running through me. No more destruction. No more death. No more fear of the real life. I extinguished the twisted reality I once clung too. I made one choice. I would live no matter what.

Today, I held up my past and bid farewell. Now it remains in my memory for recall, not for pain. Today I begin my life- with hope, love and a life force. I do instead of tell. I do for myself instead of others. I laughed today out of my own sheer enjoyment. I live a quiet existence now, freely exploring life as it is, not as I invent.

Tomorrow I will wake up. And again and again and again. Until this world, not my own hand, decides when the waking up will end. There is no promise, no swearing, no defending the change. It just is. I just live.

6-21
This week my choice to live or die passed without much notice. Reminds me of the lyrics, “And when I chose to live/There was no joy, it's just a line I crossed/It wasn't worth the pain my death would cost/So I was not lost or found." I have a very long and very strong history of going through things, then declaring that I am doing so much better and I “get” it now. Now I feel like the boy who cried wolf. Ten years ago I began my first descent into depression and suicide. For the next ten years I would be tied to this. At various points through those years I would say that death was off the table…but I was lying to myself and to others. I always thought in the back of my head that well, death is off the table, but if this or that happens then there is no way I would want to stay alive. What a cop out. When death is off the table, there are no exceptions.

In these ten years, I’ve discovered that with death around, I could never get better. With death still here, there was no room for anything else. No room for new coping mechanisms, no room for having a life and no room to want life. With death around I could never choose life.

For the last ten years I thought life would just come to me. I look back in my four years with Kiandra and see that I was more of a passive patient than active one. I was waiting for life to come to me. I thought by just thinking about getting better and half-assing it that one day I would just stumble onto this thing called life. Through the years I’d get angry because I thought life was supposed to be easy, was supposed to be second nature. I thought life owed me something for what I went through.

Today I realized I was wrong. I’ve made a lot of plan of actions in my time, warning signs and lists. Then I would passively take notes and eventually something would come along and distract me from my goals. Sure sometimes it couldn’t be helped if I chose to go off and on my meds or I didn’t have the right ones or when I would reveal painful things from my past. But in the end, I did remain passive. Sure, I often looked like I was taking control…but with death always nearby for a fail-safe mechanism, I couldn’t really take control over my life. I was still waiting for something. I could never understand why things would happen to me or I would think that things would be unfair. I refused to take responsibility. I maintained an existence that only allowed for survival from one day to the next.

I will live with no exception. Death is not a choice for me and it will never be again. With death out of the way, I have a hole to fill. This week I chose to fill it with life. I will not wait for life any longer. I want life, I want to feel life, and I want to be a whole person. I will be active. This means that I don’t have to break the traffic laws just because I see other people doing it. I am in control of myself and I won’t let there be a reason for the cops to pull me over. I sit here humbly knowing how far I let things get out of control and I have no one to blame but myself. Always a death wish.

I have basic daily living down and now it is time for me to fill the rest of my life. I need a hobby that is not my job and that involves other people. Dr. Crutch told me to use my strengths. I hope to start up with river advocacy again in the future and most definitely coaching kids in sports. I miss art too. Sometimes it is nice not to have to express myself in words. I can make friends with people not associated with mental health. It’s all about a made up mind. I made my mind up.

I have built a framework to my life. It’s a little unstable right now, but I know over time I can correct that., I have a place to live, a car to drive, four wonderful pets and a job that I love. I’m still alive, my medication completely treats my disorders and I’m working on making better decisions in therapy. All in all…this feels like a good beginning.

That’s where I am- at the beginning. It took me a hell of a long time to fight my way out of a life solely of mental illness- a full twenty two years. Now I have a beginning in front of me and while my beginning years ago was full of pain and hatred, this one is full of promise and peace. There’s no more time to sit around and wait for a life to happen. Only time to make something of my life, this time with tools to help me through the good and the bad.

I’m twenty three years old. Not entirely too old and a nice time for a beginning. I really do have the rest of my life to take hold of and live it well. For the first time in my life, I really like this hole that I feel tonight. It’s about time I make room for the life I’m ready to live.

Part of my therapy involved uncovering the secrets of my past. Then to talk about those secrets and how they affected my life today. Next it was time to un-distort my thinking. And take responsibility for my decisions and their consequences. I chose to stay in therapy and do all of that. Yet, each day I carried the option of suicide and self destruction with me. Afraid that if I let go of those things I would be left with nothing but loneliness and my job. Yet keeping that option hurt me and those around me. That was not responsible. Instead of being afraid of the gap losing death would leave, I should have welcomed it and the things to come.

In the end, it really came down to one choice. That choice has been made and I stand at the beginning of my life. I can’t wait for ten years from now. I will look back at this day as the day that changed the rest of my life.

Choosing life does not automatically mean I’ll be happy. It doesn’t mean that everything is fine now. Choosing life does not automatically make me awesome at daily living or all of the other things that encompass a well person. It just means that I’m going to stay on this planet and live my life no matter what may come my way. It doesn’t say how I will live my life or what I will do to have a full life, those are decisions I am still going to make. Choosing life just means that I will finally be making those decisions instead of relying on death and opting to not make such decisions.

I’ve chosen life and so, I will now begin to make the decisions required to live a good life and to live a full life, both facing pain and sadness and feeling peace and happiness.