Welcome to a special section of poetry entitled Wave Rider. This is more than one poem, but more of a group of poems surrounding the same theme. I first wrote the first Wave Rider poem in the summer of 2004, after a series of emails between myself and a friend of mine, in which she dubbed me The Wave Rider...and that got me thinking. What follows is basically my life...poetically, and with the theme of a young wave rider. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have enjoyed writing it.

WAVE RIDER

Beginnings I

Family I
Two strangers came together
To become a family,
With what they knew love to be.

Each followed their own illusions-
Disturbing the darkness with fights,
Neither one in the right.

There’s thunder in the distance.
An act of passion,
Mixed with some compassion.

Days and nights grow longer,
Their hatred put on hold,
To parenthood they’ve been sold.

- A son-

The storm is held at bay,
They wait with their pain-
It slowly begins to rain.

Little boy tries so hard-
Slowly losing affection,
Sitting alone in rejection.

The seed of pain
Begins to grow.
The little boy whispers no.

Lightning strikes again
To a family already torn apart,
Another beating heart.

-A daughter-

A Young Girl
A young girl stands
Ready to face the dawn,
Not knowing she’ll just be a pawn-

In a wicked game
Meant for pain,
Tied with a ball and chain.

She’s hit into submission,
Condemned into silence,
Stripped of any defense.

She awakens each morning
To a life she did not choose,
Used and abused.

A young girl falls.
The delusion is born-
She softly morns.

-Silence-


The Waves
The waves come alive.
She drifts into the ocean
On the tides of her emotion.

She closes the door
To her thoughts, her heart-
She will not come apart.

The waves begin crashing.
She starts to get wet,
But still does not see the threat.

The waves come crashing still,
She tries to stand on her board:
The ocean roars.

-Silence-

Rider
She emerges a rider-
Riding out the waves.
This storm she will brave.

Hiding in the delusion,
Her past of her imagination,
Lies build her foundation.

-She disappears-

Painful Beginning
Worthless, evil, tell me more lies-
You’ve failed me once again-
Not trying your best, such a burden-
Not trying hard enough, don’t you dare cry-
You’re worthless, don’t you see-
You always fail me-
Why don’t you make me happy?
Don’t you love me?

Falling to the ground,
She softly weeps,
Holds in the hurt-
Her pain makes no sound.


Rage
Another storm
raging.

Thunder crashes
above.

Pain consumes
her body.

Again, again
she hurts.

Love becomes
pain.


Pain

A stinging pain.
She tries not to cry,
She endures the lie.

What did she do,
To be in this danger,
Feeling their anger.

Then comes her brother,
The blanket goes over her head.
Will she awaken dead?

Suffocating under his watch,
She just wants to know why-
She gives in – begins to cry.

A mark across the face.
The delicate pain
Displays her disdain.

The belt again and again,
No one to care.
She says a little prayer.


Pleasure in Pain
Affection from one.
He’s picked her out
As being special,
To take to the darkened room
Until he’s done.

Time to play a game,
Of pleasure and pain.
Innocence lost in that dark,
Pain in a pleasure mask.
It’s all so tame.

She chooses to remain still-
She loses herself
To her far away land-
Safe and sound
Until he’s had his fill.

She did survive-
Kept it locked away,
No one to know
All of her pain,
And how she stayed alive.


Dream
The dream
            is remembered.

Feels so real-
            fear arises.

Six years old-
            innocence taken.

She feels so cold-
            pain is numbed.

Flashes here and there-
            nothing but fragments.

No one to care-
            For those broken pieces.

She feels the fear-
            Searches for a tear.

Away
She flies far away.
She watches from above-
It was not her
On that day.

She feels no pain,
Living only in the
Confines of her mind-
Trying to stay sane.

Her mind and body divide,
Leaving only the essentials-
Her body merely functions;
Inside she has died.

Fear
So empty inside,
She feels the pain
Of the mind/body divide.

Her careful disguise
Begins to crack-
Out seeps the lies.

She looks in the mirror-
A stranger stares back-
She feels the fear.

Battleground

Red
A hand slips off the board-
She plunges down deep.
There, she weeps.

Her eyes wide open,
Red swirls around:
A release she’s found.

To the surface she climbs,
Resting on the sand bar,
She creates another scar.

-Breathe-

Keeping Away The Dark
Keeping away the dark,
Fighting back the nightmares-
To sweet dreams she does not embark.

Fighting the images that cloud her head,
She keeps her eyes open tonight,
Tonight, she does not wish to be dead.

Her hand covers her heart;
Praying for just one peaceful night,
Praying for just one night she does not fall apart.

The night has become her inner hell.
The demons come to beckon her
To take her from this sleepless cell.

She closes her eyes,
And sees her scarlet trimmed nights:
Her only silent cry.

So she gives into this night,
Again, she closes her eyes:
Ready for this fight.

Alive
She knows just what to do-
The cold steel in hand
Pain at her command.

There is nothing left to fear-
A sigh of relief.
She falls into grief.

Her inner pain finally real-
Again, she comes alive,
Knowing that she can survive.

Never to Forget
Done once and hooked-
It took just one look,
One taste of pain.

The unkindest cut
Made across her life,
Silencing the strife.

The bloodiest wrist
Is the only outward sign-
To realize that she is not fine.

The first scar, never too far,
Where blade and flesh met:
Never to forget.

Need
Her pain runs deep,
The control she can no longer keep.
She takes control over her skin,
To only feel real again.
Been running for so long,
So tired of being strong-
She closes her eyes:
Bids silent goodbyes.

-Relief-

The alluring finality of the blade-
From her consciousness it never fades.
The hushed whisper,
Continues to haunt her-
Proving that pain does rule,
And she cannot escape its pull.

-Surrender-

Lost in the Mind

Alone and frightened in the dark,
Lost in her mind,
Cutting the ties that bind-
Emptiness creeps into her heart.

Her life remains defined by pain,
With clear tears
And silent fears,
It rains.

Empty voices reign free,
Silent whispers for relief, all in vain;
The world does not see her pain-
Though displayed for all the world to see.

Her life’s reached the edge,
Lost in the mind,
Cutting the ties that bind:
Back or forward off the ledge?

The Edge

the dark
There’s a rumble in the sky,
Her foundation shakes.
Testing one…two…three.
Death stands waiting,
She’s ready for goodbye.

Pushed to the edge,
She can take no more-
Her life is worth no more,
One more push- off the ledge.

-the dark-

Ocean
A wave crashes full force.
There is no more relief-
She drifts into disbelief.

Her eyes grow cold,
Lifeless and gaunt,
Her past has come to haunt.

Drowning in a sea of darkness,
She’s consumed by the ocean,
Losing all emotion.

-Silence-

War
A war rages on through the night,
The body becoming the battlefield.
Red forever stains this night,
Her soul determined to fight.

The dawn nears,
She begins to fade-
Seeking final release,
There falls, a single tear.

The Light
Death gives way to a tear-
A woman sits beside her,
She is real.

A heart to heart,
She offers her hand
To take her from the dark.

-The Light-

Silence
Silence hangs in the air,
Something is not right.
All fingers point…to her.
She hurts…but who cares?

Why
Reined in and locked up tight,
Showing no more than a smile,
She nods with an alright,
Alone, with blood on the tile.

She begins to run
When they ask her the questions about pain.
She just wants it all to be done,
Relieve these images from her brain.

The questions come again and again,
She searches for the answers so far away.
She tries to remember when-
Silence- nothing to say.

A smile, a laugh, her charm.
She slips on by
Doing herself more harm,
Not even asking why.

Trembling Waters
Trembling waters below her-
She holds on tight.
Her life’s been a blur-
She hangs on for the fight.

Again
Back again for more
One more notch on the skin,
This one made public
To all of their horror.

The healers not fooled again,
They hang onto every word,
Determined to save this girl,
Make her remember when.

Not giving into her guile,
One healer reaches past her defense-
She asks how she reached her,
’Your eyes never matched your smile.’

The smile slips away,
She tries to be real-
Face the dark within
To wake up to brighter days.

Depression suddenly transforms,
A light flickers nearby.
She softly sighs
Thinking things are back to the norm.

FINE
Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional-
She is fine.
Don’t even notice I am lying-
She is in denial.

The fog of numbness settles in,
She runs to hide once more.
Under the cover of darkness,
Pain finds its way home.

DENIAL
Highs forgotten find their way home,
A glorious bliss enlightens,
Sending thoughts racing once more-
Leaving pain to freely roam.

Appearing normal to all,
She continues super human feats.
Rumblings underneath make no sound,
Pain makes no call.

Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, emotional-
She is fine.
Don’t even notice I am lying-
She is in denial.

Broken Cutter

 She’s just tired of staying strong,
 She’s getting worn down here-
 Her life ruled by fear.
 
 She sits and ponders,
 Why there is so much strain,
 And why numbness overcame pain.
 
 She’s cut again,
 Thrown everything away-
 Just for some thoughts gone astray.
 
 So there she lays,
 Nothing to utter
 For she is a broken cutter.

Red
A red tidal wave rushes in
Overtaking her, she slips off the board.
Drifting through consciousness,
How long has it been?

Fighting to gain some ground,
She feels a surge, the surface breaks.
The ocean settles down,
As the red swirls around.

Depression
Her long forgotten sleep,
Her nightmares return-
Time for concern.

Appetite lost in everything;
Fun a forgotten notion-
Numbing all these emotions.

Pain weighing her down;
Darkness now looms-
Returning to her living tomb.

Her heart does not lie,
There is no question:
She’s back with her depression.

These Lies
Heart not made of stone,
Soul locked inside the dark.
Here she stands alone
On this journey, ready to embark.

Back or forward, which way does she go?
Who to believe in this tangled web of lies?
What debt does she owe?
When does she get to cry?

She can’t stand this war raging in her mind,
She can’t stand these bright red tears.
She wishes to be blind
To all of these terrible fears.

The hurt racing through her veins-
She’s an explosion waiting to happen,
Forever, she cannot bear these chains.
Why must she fall again?

She just wants it all to end,
She’s tired of waiting for tomorrow.
There’s no more time to mend,
Time to close this show.

The night has come to haunt her once more,
The light slowly begins to die.
She’s finally losing this war,
Because nothing beats these lies.


Searching
Searching for serene peace,
Wanting, searching, losing-
She just wants a release.

Adrift and lost at sea-
A deep ocean of troubled times,
The shore she can no longer see.

Images of anger and sadness
Flash through her mind,
Pushing her toward this madness.

Brave she will remain,
Up until her last breath,
She hides her pain.

The End
Losing all emotion,
Adrift in the ocean,
She has no more to give,
No will to live.

-Falling-

Her story is done,
The end has begun.
Time for no more pain,
From this life she abstains.

-Falling-

Darkness falls over her eyes
-Whispers a goodbye-
No more can she bend-
This is the end.

-Fallen-

Beginnings II

Again
Eyes slowly open,
The sun is streaming down a light,
No shore in sight.

She feels the board underneath.
Who saved her from death?
Who gave her a breath?

The water remains calm.
A presence she can feel,
Not sure if it’s real.

Lost in the ocean,
She follows an unseen guide,
Searching for the tide.

-Again-

One
She walks through a door.
A woman stands,
Offers her hand.

And with one word,
She feels the ground-
Though not lost or found.

She comes from her far away land-
Listens to her words,
Of the likes, she has never heard.

She speaks of feelings
And how the girl was not to blame,
Nor was it her shame.

She sees her caring eyes,
And settles in with relief,
Learning all about grief.

She watches the woman’s tears fall,
Realizing now what she’s lost-
What her past has cost.

It took just one woman
To set her free,
To teach her how sweet life can be.

Awakenings
A long forgotten past
Awakens.

Her rage rumbles
In the distance.

Pain locked away
Awakens.

Her illusions
Begin to fade.

Answers once lost
Awaken.

The truth,
A second chance.

Waves II
The ocean begins its rumble,
Waves crash to and fro
-Hidden a soft undertow-

The rider surfs out the tide,
Steady on her feet-
There is no retreat.

The water flows over and over.
Arms searching for the board,
Her cries ignored.

She slips down once more,
Down to the oceans deep.
She closes her eyes for a sleep.

The ocean ruled with fear
Its roar, is all she hears.

-Silence-

Truth
There sits a house from her past,
Off white, facing the courtyard.
The tales of her childhood flash by.
Here she is not on guard,
Denies that more than meets the eye.

There’s the couch her daddy lay on,
The kitchen her mother stayed in,
Her room, toys strewn about.
Recognizing her life, she grins,
There’s even the wall with the trout.

Voices rise with the tide,
She watches a girl creep to the hall way.
Hate fills the air,
Their love gone astray.
What are these affairs?

Suddenly suffocating, gasping for breath,
It’s a game, just a game.
The girls screams go unheard,
She gets the blame.
Her brother is preferred.

Standing in the kitchen,
Mother rules with the fear-
The spoon stings, brings pain.
The girl holds a tear,
Bravery she feigns.

She sees a pool with shouts of laughter.
Silence brings her near-
There the girl loses her innocence.
Life is replaced with fear,
Staying on the defense.

She and the girl lock eyes.
The truth becomes clear:
This was the life she lived.
This was her life, her fear,
Her little girl to forgive.

Pain
Alone in the dark,
The ocean swallowed her whole,
Darkened her soul.

The truth was too much.
Blood swirls all around,
Pain has been found.

The Reflection

She looks in the mirror
Just wondering what she’s supposed to see.
She looks in the mirror
Just wondering if that’s really her.

What’s this reflection staring back at her?
Whose this girl with the sad eyes
To go with the drawn mouth?
Whose this reflection that never cries?

Blood runs down her fist-
The mirror is shattered
Lying at her feet in a million pieces,
The blood no longer mattered.

Trying to fix this broken life
Has become her lonely fight-
To end the dark days and all the pain,
To make what was wrong, right.

Take all these scars and shove it!
Take the abuse, take the shame
Take it away from her tonight-
She doesn’t want things to be the same.

Her life is being put back together,
As her reflection is shattered in pieces-
She just hopes for the sun to come up each day
And to finally wake up at peace.

Sanity
She distances herself from family,
Running to find herself,
And how sweet life can be.

The mask must fall,
To find herself-
Breakdown her wall.

Using this second chance
She searches for the one truth-
A delicate dance.

She takes on her deep pain,
Ready to know how to feel-
To be sane.

Someday
Someday is the day that will come,
When the struggle finally ends,
Feelings overcome the numb-
Her life's on the mend.

Someday was this faraway place
From which her dreams were made.
The day she would one day face
And watch the darkness fade.

Someday is the day she lives for,
To feel the lights sweet embrace,
To know forever more.
Someday is this place.

She stands embracing this day
Knowing the trials and tears
Helped her to find the healing way-
Someday guided me through the fears.

Someday she is alive
To see the light of day,
To live, not just survive,
To know she’s found her way.

Letting Go
She’s finally letting go,
Realizing who she is inside-
A beautiful woman wishing to be free
From the sorrow and the woe.

Finally feeling whole,
She feels the happiness and joy
With the sorrow and sadness,
And warmth radiates from her soul.

Holding on to fear
Was hurting greater than letting go-
She took the risk,
Down fell a tear.

From the ghost walking alone
To a woman finding her way,
She takes a helping hand
And uses the knowledge she’s always known.

Awakens
The moon shines a light,
Leisurely adrift at sea-
Learning how to be free.
All is quiet on this night.

Lapping waves become her soundtrack
To the echoes of her old life,
Once filled with so much strife
And the blackest black.

She awakens with the sunrise,
Letting the warmth consume-
Leaving her living tomb,
So much more the wise.

Land
She feels the tingling of sand,
Already knowing why
She slowly opens her eyes-
There is land.

Wave Rider

The young wave rider stares
At the ocean so serene-
She knows things aren't as they seem.

The waves crash against the shore.
She carefully lays down her board-
Remembering how the ocean roared.

Waves once came again and again.
She gasped for air,
But the ocean did not care-

Pounding her down again and again.
Her muscles asked for relief,
And she clung to one belief

-That hope would prevail-

Her lungs ready to explode,
Her hand grasps the board once more-
Her sights on the shore.

She rides out the next wave,
Crash! She falls.
And drifts against a sea wall.

Her strength diminishes.
She questions this night-
Why continue this fight?

Another wave,
She slips down in the deep,
Finding her forever sleep.

-A spark-

The water begins to move around her.
She won't give in-
To her muscles chagrin.

Weary and hurting,
She climbs to the only light
Shining on this decisive night.

Memories blare in her head.
Her reply:
More water rushing by.

Heart bursting, muscles in anguish,
She's almost there-
She says a prayer.

-Breathe-

Back on the shore
There's a soft sigh
And a silent goodbye.

She stands under the soft moonlight,
Still in pain, still tired-
But thoroughly inspired.

She was up on her board,
She took those last waves-
Sent them to their grave.

The board on the sand-
The sunrise on the bay-
She silently walks away.

-There will be no more waves tonight-