AUGUST RANTS- 2003

8-26
Secrets are an interesting thing. They can literally destroy a life. They can break you down, they can destroy relationships, they can make you feel empty- when you have too many of them. Because then you just become the secret keeper and not a real person. That is how I feel sometimes. That I’m just this little secret keeper…everything goes in, nothing comes out.

I have to say that the thing I wanted to do most today is cry. I just wanted to cry and let it all out. But instead I put on the ‘brave’ face and talked about things I never dreamed I’d be thinking about, much less talking about.
As bad as I wanted to get in touch with my feelings, I just couldn’t even touch them.  And I don’t understand why. I have like one snapshot of each instance (I am alluding to something I had up here earlier and deleted…too painful to keep really talking about)…and that instance feels like yesterday…I close my eyes and there it is. And I don’t have any real understanding of how this all has affected me. It just seems unreal that it would. I mean it wasn’t that bad, as bad as it could have been. But for a girl of 11, to not be fully comprehending what was going on and then to just keep quiet…I guess it takes its toll.

And still, I want to keep it in my denial box…because for some reason I think it can’t hurt me there, but I know it can…has. There are so many things painful to me and I just can’t get in touch with those feelings. I can talk about them- but I do so at an unemotional level. I detach myself…it’s much safer that way. So much to say, so much to tell, so many things to feel, so much denial left…what will I do?

8-25
Okay, first day of classes, back at college. Classes went okay, I hope I can keep up my good feeling about them.
Now about the past week- mom had to go to ER from not being able to stop bleeding…turns out she is okay now, a little scare for a few hours. I have now moved back into dorms- wasn't fun moving in, but I survived and my room is all set pretty much. Except for my back- which is in bad shape again, looks like it's time to see a Chiropractor (again). Not looking forward to that, have to call insurance company and I don't know if I can do that. I swear I have this weird phone phobia, especially when I know the phone call won't be perfect and will have to deal with a bunch of shit. I still need to get a freakin pdoc, which I'm hoping by the end of this week I will get that done. It's become a necessity now that school has started. I am brain dead right now though, so I end my rants here. (I'm getting better about updating wahoo!). Night.

8-23
Okay a few phrases that I will explain tomorrow or the next day- when I'm not so exhausted: Mom- emergency room yesterday; move into dorm; back in bad shape (again)....I think that's about it. Suffice to say, I'm exhausted, so not much to say. I will write on all that tomorrow or so- hope everyone is doing alright. Take care.

8-21
Okay, so I'm a little calmer today. Had a pretty damn good day actually. We'll see how tomorrow goes...hopefully well. In three days I move back into the dorms, I'm a little excited about that- it will be great to be back on campus and into the swing of things. Just want to get a routine down...maybe that will help my recent anxiety, who knows?

Anyway, just wanted to write a little blurb that I am calmer, I sounded bad yesterday...and who knows, the way I've been going, that could change tonight or tomorrow! But I'll hold out for calmness!

8-20
Oh yeah- I forgot- to answer my own f***ing question- it is a freakin illusion. Is this real progress? Have I found my way? I f***ing wish. There's too much and I give up, I freakin give up. Why not just let my mind win? Why not just end it all- at least I'd be out of this misery that I keep returning to. Around and around I go, screwing things up and then working that much harder to fix them and go past it...and what for? To crash again, to live my life this way? I don't think so!

8-20
What a terrible last two weeks. That is all I have to say! Nothing but me filled with much anxiety. It's been crazy, I've been feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Well I last wrote on the 13th, and things got worse. After we were down with those kids with the research project, I got three days rest from that- worked all that time with my sweet kiddo's though. But of course, as everyone has probably read, I really, really dislike this one girl on the team who no one was ever sure if they were on the team or not. Well she is. Despite missing the last week, we voted her to stay on the team, provided she somehow makes up the time. She called me and emailed me an apology and we talked, I sucked up my dislike and am "playing nice." It just sucked not knowing if she was on the team or not...I had asked my prof before the summer to decide if she was on the team or off (I didn't like the ambiguity) and she told me earlier she wishes she had listened to my concern and given her a choice. But man, what a few days.

Even had a huge fight with my parents again! Apparently I need to "lighten up." They said that to me, can you believe that?! All through high school that is all I heard from them- that I need to "lighten up" and not take on so much. I was so so angry. I told them I was mad, and I just wanted to be mad for a couple hours and you know what they said? They said I shouldn't and couldn't be mad. What nerve. I have since then kept our conversations to a minimum...in fact only talked to them once since then and was short on the phone then. I give up on ever telling them anything or telling them when I feel something- that was the last straw.

School is about to start in a few days...I'm excited but upset at the same time. I had hoped that the last two week before school would be relatively smooth and I would go into school not feeling too much stress...but alas that is not to happen.

I'm sick of these last few weeks and wish they'd never happened. I feel like crap, did a few things I wasn't proud of and just in general feel uncomfortable. I'm nervous and anxiety ridden everyday, and I can feel my head playing with. I know it's (it- meaning my head), wrong and creating distortions again, but for the life of me sometimes I can't help it- they exist without my knowing they do. When I become aware of the fact, I try to change...but it's just so hard.

I have had waaaaaaay more suicidal and self injury urges recently. It was so bad for a couple days I was genuinely worried. I have calmed down some from that, but still need work in that area. I am trying to take deep breaths and sort through everything, but coming up with nothing.

The only time I have felt really relaxed is when my research team hit the beach between doing evaluations. I sat there and just stared at the water...don't know how long I'd been sitting there until my prof came up behind me. She said she'd never seen me sit so still! Trust me sitting still is quite an accomplishment for me, I never do it! I told her that my head was making up for the lack of fidgeting...it was going way faster and deep thoughts. I love the ocean...it'd been a while since I had been and it really calmed me to be there. I think if I had to pick something that really calmed me, it'd be something on the water...I should spend more time there, it's so serene.

Alright that's it, I need to get back to work- just needed to majorly rant. Take care all.

8-13
Okay, it has been such a bad week. I have been really just uptight...overstimulated is how I would put it. I have finally been doing the research project I have been working on all summer, and it is going smoothly, though stressful at times, especially with all the team members here. It's been a hard adjustment for me, since I have been the only one working on it all summer with no help and suddenly everything needs to be divided by four people, makes me feel left out- though I'm sure it's just an exaggerated feeling, since at one time it was all me. But I still feel that way, people are snapping when they get stressed, and I hate that etc. That get's me to snapping, and I'm also not one to concentrate with a lot of chaos around me, and that is how it has been feeling. So I'm left feeling very much on edge and I have nothing to calm me down. I am definitely going to call a pdoc soon, later this week if I can (well I can, I just need to remember and make the time).

8-10
Ugh

8-8
Secrets
A lonely little girl,
So many secrets still left in the head-
Out loud, some can never be said
In case her world would come unfurled. 

Some secrets are too big to keep,
Some things are left better unsaid,
They’re better off left for dead-
They’re just buried too deep.

Memories forced to be forgotten,
There’s a price to pay to let it out.
No matter how much I want to shout-
I just don’t want to remember again. 

Not sure what’s a dream, what’s real,
I do not trust what’s there in my mind;
I’ve been better off just being blind,
It’s so much easier just to conceal. 

All throughout I’ve remained silent,
Not a word spoken to anyone-
What’s done is done,
There’s nothing left to vent.

So silent stays this secret,
Never uttered, never told,
Always keeping me just a little cold-
Better off just to forget!

8-6
Okay, I am in a ranting mood I think. Hehe, that is what happens when I have too much time on my hands! Lately I’ve had a couple cancellations due to sickness and vacations, so every day I’ve had a few hours more than I normally have (though don’t worry, in true Erin form, I met with a prof during those free hours to firm up some research project stuff!). As if I don’t have enough to do this summer, I’m about to kick it into about third gear as a research project for school starts in a week. I am excited, yet not at the same time. I’m excited because I really want to give these assessments to kids, but at the same time I’m tired of thinking and stressing about it! I’ve done almost all of the work for this project this summer and I just want to be done with some of it…well I guess I can’t wait until the other members of the team get in! Take some of the load off of me. And of course there is this one girl I can’t stand. There are very, very few people in this world that I can’t even stand to talk to, let alone work with, and she is definitely one of them. She’s insulted me, she’s practically abused one of the kids I work with and she’s manipulative—all things I hate of course.

But, I must suck it up, hopefully she won’t be around too much, but it still sucks :-/ Gives me just that extra little bit of stress. Hopefully she won’t cause too much of a problem and if she does, I have enough on her to tell her to stick it up her you-know-what.

School starts in a few short weeks and I’m getting a little nervous. I always like it when school starts, but this year is going to be tough. I won’t have as many psych classes to keep me sane lol. I just worry about concentration and all that jazz…it’s always out the window, even now with this research project…I think I have added stress with it, because I have definitely been organized, but not the point where I should be…Ugh, I get organized for a few days and then it just all goes down hill…and when I don’t have a specific deadline to do things, I can’t seem to stay focused enough to complete the task until it finally does come down to getting a deadline…then I have no problem. Annoys the hell out of me. Oh well.

Other things worry me too- have ya’ll noticed- I’m a worrier! I know I am turning some corners in therapy as far as getting better mentally, but I am still….scared? Doubtful? Unsure? Confused? Not sure on the thought/emotion. In the past I have been healthy…for a while, but then I’d crash. Or I thought I was perfectly okay, but it turned out I wasn’t. So what if, lurking beneath this exterior, is a demon waiting to come out again? What if I’m just pretending and haven’t realized it yet? There are so many “what- if’s.” I’ve been down a recovery road before and of course it wasn’t real, but a nice illusion I made for myself. Some good denial going on…so what if that is what I’m doing now? Just denying things, trying to make it all better, so I can function again, so I can live a semi-normal life…but then have it all start to crash and f*** everything up again?

As ya’ll can see, I am in a skeptical mood. Guess stress is getting to me, but I’ve been thinking about that lately and just haven’t written about it.
I am definitely doing better that is for sure. Having my real dad in my life has helped some with that, doing a little better in school (and getting hooked up with disability services), and of course having a kick-ass therapist has all helped immensely. I’ve even gotten better about dealing with my mom. It also appears I may have a life that doesn’t revolve around work this semester as well. Weekends off for the most part, wahoo! Nights to study, another good point. My job is going well, a little stress, but that is the nature of the job. I like the research I’m doing, with bad team member and all and I am a rep for my psych department. All good things going for me.

But of course, I just can’t shake this little voice in the back of my head, telling me to wake-up and smell the coffee- something’s not right and you know it. So then I wonder what is not right etc. and all roads lead downhill. Here's my new poem, attempting to explain how I feel:

Questions
Running from the shadow of doubt,
Trying to break free from this darkness.
I want to scream and shout-
Is this real progress? 

The light shines my way,
This time around I see what looks real,
But does my heart betray?
What does my mind conceal? 

This voice inside keeps asking-
What am I denying?
What am I still masking?
What is there hiding?

Is there a right or wrong?
Am I finally going to be okay?
Is this the day I finally belong?
Have I found my way?

So many answers I seek,
Will I ever satisfy my mind.
I feel so weak
And about to unwind.

I just need to stay sane
Grab my faith, my beliefs
Let go of this pain
And finally feel relief!

 There are three Linkin Park songs that describe how I feel, combine ‘em, and you know what’s going on in my head!

 
"Papercut"

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today…
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed / but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
points out all the mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

"Crawling"

[chorus:]
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem

[bridge:]
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure

discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...

"By Myself"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
chorus:
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside

8-4
Alrighty, another rant time. Tomorrow (well I guess today now) I have therapy…went two weeks without flipping- wahoo!! Go me lol. I’m kinda in a funny mood. Part of me is like F*** everything, that I’m tired of just everything. And then part of me is with my sense of duty, to family, to job etc. And part of me wants to go wild, to go f***ing nuts. I am having a battle with pills right now. First, I have been sick the past three weeks with various things, stomach, headache, cold, so I finally went to the doctors when the headaches got to be too much. Doc was worried I took too much Advil (which I have been b/c of headaches), so she thinks my body is dependent on them, so no more Advil for me ever. She put me on a muscle relaxant and big ass headache stuff and I have to keep a headache journal to try and figure out where these headaches are coming from. So of course, this had me thinking about pills.

To date, I have overdosed on Advil, two/three times; Wellbutrin twice; Caffeine pills two/three times. Oh and Ambien once. And I have the urge to find out what these new pills will do to my body. How sick is that? I mean I’ve never even come close to overdosing to the point of dying, but just enough to give my body a reaction. Guess pills are like alcohol to me, since I don’t drink. Don’t’ know what it is, but I get so damn impulsive around pills. I guess that is just another way I self injure myself. I know it’s a choice when I down more pills than wanted, but I just can’t describe what I feel…think, when I do it. Grrr. Just another thing I tend to screw up. I guess too, maybe some part of it is that I don’t like my body very much and I’m not respecting it enough to take care of it.

Grrr, I am such a contradiction to myself, I don’t understand it. Right now, I feel like two opposite people. There is the one that wants to be bad- takes the pills, feels f***ed up, wants to drink alcohol, and just fed up with everything. The other one is telling myself to calm down, just go to work, do school, have friends, and just take it easy- have a life. And the two are just going back and forth, its getting ridiculous and I’m fed up. I need to pick a way to be and leave it at that. There ya go- that is the source of my f***ing headaches. A war going on inside can wreak havoc!

Alright I’m done rambling about my shit, not that anyone cares. I guess its time for bed and trying not to take too many pills, damn it. Alright I’m out.

AUGUST RANTS- 2003

8-26
Secrets are an interesting thing. They can literally destroy a life. They can break you down, they can destroy relationships, they can make you feel empty- when you have too many of them. Because then you just become the secret keeper and not a real person. That is how I feel sometimes. That I’m just this little secret keeper…everything goes in, nothing comes out.

I have to say that the thing I wanted to do most today is cry. I just wanted to cry and let it all out. But instead I put on the ‘brave’ face and talked about things I never dreamed I’d be thinking about, much less talking about.
As bad as I wanted to get in touch with my feelings, I just couldn’t even touch them.  And I don’t understand why. I have like one snapshot of each instance (I am alluding to something I had up here earlier and deleted…too painful to keep really talking about)…and that instance feels like yesterday…I close my eyes and there it is. And I don’t have any real understanding of how this all has affected me. It just seems unreal that it would. I mean it wasn’t that bad, as bad as it could have been. But for a girl of 11, to not be fully comprehending what was going on and then to just keep quiet…I guess it takes its toll.

And still, I want to keep it in my denial box…because for some reason I think it can’t hurt me there, but I know it can…has. There are so many things painful to me and I just can’t get in touch with those feelings. I can talk about them- but I do so at an unemotional level. I detach myself…it’s much safer that way. So much to say, so much to tell, so many things to feel, so much denial left…what will I do?

8-25
Okay, first day of classes, back at college. Classes went okay, I hope I can keep up my good feeling about them.
Now about the past week- mom had to go to ER from not being able to stop bleeding…turns out she is okay now, a little scare for a few hours. I have now moved back into dorms- wasn't fun moving in, but I survived and my room is all set pretty much. Except for my back- which is in bad shape again, looks like it's time to see a Chiropractor (again). Not looking forward to that, have to call insurance company and I don't know if I can do that. I swear I have this weird phone phobia, especially when I know the phone call won't be perfect and will have to deal with a bunch of shit. I still need to get a freakin pdoc, which I'm hoping by the end of this week I will get that done. It's become a necessity now that school has started. I am brain dead right now though, so I end my rants here. (I'm getting better about updating wahoo!). Night.

8-23
Okay a few phrases that I will explain tomorrow or the next day- when I'm not so exhausted: Mom- emergency room yesterday; move into dorm; back in bad shape (again)....I think that's about it. Suffice to say, I'm exhausted, so not much to say. I will write on all that tomorrow or so- hope everyone is doing alright. Take care.

8-21
Okay, so I'm a little calmer today. Had a pretty damn good day actually. We'll see how tomorrow goes...hopefully well. In three days I move back into the dorms, I'm a little excited about that- it will be great to be back on campus and into the swing of things. Just want to get a routine down...maybe that will help my recent anxiety, who knows?

Anyway, just wanted to write a little blurb that I am calmer, I sounded bad yesterday...and who knows, the way I've been going, that could change tonight or tomorrow! But I'll hold out for calmness!

8-20
Oh yeah- I forgot- to answer my own f***ing question- it is a freakin illusion. Is this real progress? Have I found my way? I f***ing wish. There's too much and I give up, I freakin give up. Why not just let my mind win? Why not just end it all- at least I'd be out of this misery that I keep returning to. Around and around I go, screwing things up and then working that much harder to fix them and go past it...and what for? To crash again, to live my life this way? I don't think so!

8-20
What a terrible last two weeks. That is all I have to say! Nothing but me filled with much anxiety. It's been crazy, I've been feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Well I last wrote on the 13th, and things got worse. After we were down with those kids with the research project, I got three days rest from that- worked all that time with my sweet kiddo's though. But of course, as everyone has probably read, I really, really dislike this one girl on the team who no one was ever sure if they were on the team or not. Well she is. Despite missing the last week, we voted her to stay on the team, provided she somehow makes up the time. She called me and emailed me an apology and we talked, I sucked up my dislike and am "playing nice." It just sucked not knowing if she was on the team or not...I had asked my prof before the summer to decide if she was on the team or off (I didn't like the ambiguity) and she told me earlier she wishes she had listened to my concern and given her a choice. But man, what a few days.

Even had a huge fight with my parents again! Apparently I need to "lighten up." They said that to me, can you believe that?! All through high school that is all I heard from them- that I need to "lighten up" and not take on so much. I was so so angry. I told them I was mad, and I just wanted to be mad for a couple hours and you know what they said? They said I shouldn't and couldn't be mad. What nerve. I have since then kept our conversations to a minimum...in fact only talked to them once since then and was short on the phone then. I give up on ever telling them anything or telling them when I feel something- that was the last straw.

School is about to start in a few days...I'm excited but upset at the same time. I had hoped that the last two week before school would be relatively smooth and I would go into school not feeling too much stress...but alas that is not to happen.

I'm sick of these last few weeks and wish they'd never happened. I feel like crap, did a few things I wasn't proud of and just in general feel uncomfortable. I'm nervous and anxiety ridden everyday, and I can feel my head playing with. I know it's (it- meaning my head), wrong and creating distortions again, but for the life of me sometimes I can't help it- they exist without my knowing they do. When I become aware of the fact, I try to change...but it's just so hard.

I have had waaaaaaay more suicidal and self injury urges recently. It was so bad for a couple days I was genuinely worried. I have calmed down some from that, but still need work in that area. I am trying to take deep breaths and sort through everything, but coming up with nothing.

The only time I have felt really relaxed is when my research team hit the beach between doing evaluations. I sat there and just stared at the water...don't know how long I'd been sitting there until my prof came up behind me. She said she'd never seen me sit so still! Trust me sitting still is quite an accomplishment for me, I never do it! I told her that my head was making up for the lack of fidgeting...it was going way faster and deep thoughts. I love the ocean...it'd been a while since I had been and it really calmed me to be there. I think if I had to pick something that really calmed me, it'd be something on the water...I should spend more time there, it's so serene.

Alright that's it, I need to get back to work- just needed to majorly rant. Take care all.

8-13
Okay, it has been such a bad week. I have been really just uptight...overstimulated is how I would put it. I have finally been doing the research project I have been working on all summer, and it is going smoothly, though stressful at times, especially with all the team members here. It's been a hard adjustment for me, since I have been the only one working on it all summer with no help and suddenly everything needs to be divided by four people, makes me feel left out- though I'm sure it's just an exaggerated feeling, since at one time it was all me. But I still feel that way, people are snapping when they get stressed, and I hate that etc. That get's me to snapping, and I'm also not one to concentrate with a lot of chaos around me, and that is how it has been feeling. So I'm left feeling very much on edge and I have nothing to calm me down. I am definitely going to call a pdoc soon, later this week if I can (well I can, I just need to remember and make the time).

8-10
Ugh

8-8
Secrets
A lonely little girl,
So many secrets still left in the head-
Out loud, some can never be said
In case her world would come unfurled. 

Some secrets are too big to keep,
Some things are left better unsaid,
They’re better off left for dead-
They’re just buried too deep.

Memories forced to be forgotten,
There’s a price to pay to let it out.
No matter how much I want to shout-
I just don’t want to remember again. 

Not sure what’s a dream, what’s real,
I do not trust what’s there in my mind;
I’ve been better off just being blind,
It’s so much easier just to conceal. 

All throughout I’ve remained silent,
Not a word spoken to anyone-
What’s done is done,
There’s nothing left to vent.

So silent stays this secret,
Never uttered, never told,
Always keeping me just a little cold-
Better off just to forget!

8-6
Okay, I am in a ranting mood I think. Hehe, that is what happens when I have too much time on my hands! Lately I’ve had a couple cancellations due to sickness and vacations, so every day I’ve had a few hours more than I normally have (though don’t worry, in true Erin form, I met with a prof during those free hours to firm up some research project stuff!). As if I don’t have enough to do this summer, I’m about to kick it into about third gear as a research project for school starts in a week. I am excited, yet not at the same time. I’m excited because I really want to give these assessments to kids, but at the same time I’m tired of thinking and stressing about it! I’ve done almost all of the work for this project this summer and I just want to be done with some of it…well I guess I can’t wait until the other members of the team get in! Take some of the load off of me. And of course there is this one girl I can’t stand. There are very, very few people in this world that I can’t even stand to talk to, let alone work with, and she is definitely one of them. She’s insulted me, she’s practically abused one of the kids I work with and she’s manipulative—all things I hate of course.

But, I must suck it up, hopefully she won’t be around too much, but it still sucks :-/ Gives me just that extra little bit of stress. Hopefully she won’t cause too much of a problem and if she does, I have enough on her to tell her to stick it up her you-know-what.

School starts in a few short weeks and I’m getting a little nervous. I always like it when school starts, but this year is going to be tough. I won’t have as many psych classes to keep me sane lol. I just worry about concentration and all that jazz…it’s always out the window, even now with this research project…I think I have added stress with it, because I have definitely been organized, but not the point where I should be…Ugh, I get organized for a few days and then it just all goes down hill…and when I don’t have a specific deadline to do things, I can’t seem to stay focused enough to complete the task until it finally does come down to getting a deadline…then I have no problem. Annoys the hell out of me. Oh well.

Other things worry me too- have ya’ll noticed- I’m a worrier! I know I am turning some corners in therapy as far as getting better mentally, but I am still….scared? Doubtful? Unsure? Confused? Not sure on the thought/emotion. In the past I have been healthy…for a while, but then I’d crash. Or I thought I was perfectly okay, but it turned out I wasn’t. So what if, lurking beneath this exterior, is a demon waiting to come out again? What if I’m just pretending and haven’t realized it yet? There are so many “what- if’s.” I’ve been down a recovery road before and of course it wasn’t real, but a nice illusion I made for myself. Some good denial going on…so what if that is what I’m doing now? Just denying things, trying to make it all better, so I can function again, so I can live a semi-normal life…but then have it all start to crash and f*** everything up again?

As ya’ll can see, I am in a skeptical mood. Guess stress is getting to me, but I’ve been thinking about that lately and just haven’t written about it.
I am definitely doing better that is for sure. Having my real dad in my life has helped some with that, doing a little better in school (and getting hooked up with disability services), and of course having a kick-ass therapist has all helped immensely. I’ve even gotten better about dealing with my mom. It also appears I may have a life that doesn’t revolve around work this semester as well. Weekends off for the most part, wahoo! Nights to study, another good point. My job is going well, a little stress, but that is the nature of the job. I like the research I’m doing, with bad team member and all and I am a rep for my psych department. All good things going for me.

But of course, I just can’t shake this little voice in the back of my head, telling me to wake-up and smell the coffee- something’s not right and you know it. So then I wonder what is not right etc. and all roads lead downhill. Here's my new poem, attempting to explain how I feel:

Questions
Running from the shadow of doubt,
Trying to break free from this darkness.
I want to scream and shout-
Is this real progress? 

The light shines my way,
This time around I see what looks real,
But does my heart betray?
What does my mind conceal? 

This voice inside keeps asking-
What am I denying?
What am I still masking?
What is there hiding?

Is there a right or wrong?
Am I finally going to be okay?
Is this the day I finally belong?
Have I found my way?

So many answers I seek,
Will I ever satisfy my mind.
I feel so weak
And about to unwind.

I just need to stay sane
Grab my faith, my beliefs
Let go of this pain
And finally feel relief!

 There are three Linkin Park songs that describe how I feel, combine ‘em, and you know what’s going on in my head!

 
"Papercut"

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today…
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed / but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
points out all the mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

"Crawling"

[chorus:]
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem

[bridge:]
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure

discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...

"By Myself"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
chorus:
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside

8-4
Alrighty, another rant time. Tomorrow (well I guess today now) I have therapy…went two weeks without flipping- wahoo!! Go me lol. I’m kinda in a funny mood. Part of me is like F*** everything, that I’m tired of just everything. And then part of me is with my sense of duty, to family, to job etc. And part of me wants to go wild, to go f***ing nuts. I am having a battle with pills right now. First, I have been sick the past three weeks with various things, stomach, headache, cold, so I finally went to the doctors when the headaches got to be too much. Doc was worried I took too much Advil (which I have been b/c of headaches), so she thinks my body is dependent on them, so no more Advil for me ever. She put me on a muscle relaxant and big ass headache stuff and I have to keep a headache journal to try and figure out where these headaches are coming from. So of course, this had me thinking about pills.

To date, I have overdosed on Advil, two/three times; Wellbutrin twice; Caffeine pills two/three times. Oh and Ambien once. And I have the urge to find out what these new pills will do to my body. How sick is that? I mean I’ve never even come close to overdosing to the point of dying, but just enough to give my body a reaction. Guess pills are like alcohol to me, since I don’t drink. Don’t’ know what it is, but I get so damn impulsive around pills. I guess that is just another way I self injure myself. I know it’s a choice when I down more pills than wanted, but I just can’t describe what I feel…think, when I do it. Grrr. Just another thing I tend to screw up. I guess too, maybe some part of it is that I don’t like my body very much and I’m not respecting it enough to take care of it.

Grrr, I am such a contradiction to myself, I don’t understand it. Right now, I feel like two opposite people. There is the one that wants to be bad- takes the pills, feels f***ed up, wants to drink alcohol, and just fed up with everything. The other one is telling myself to calm down, just go to work, do school, have friends, and just take it easy- have a life. And the two are just going back and forth, its getting ridiculous and I’m fed up. I need to pick a way to be and leave it at that. There ya go- that is the source of my f***ing headaches. A war going on inside can wreak havoc!

Alright I’m done rambling about my shit, not that anyone cares. I guess its time for bed and trying not to take too many pills, damn it. Alright I’m out.

AUGUST RANTS- 2003

8-26
Secrets are an interesting thing. They can literally destroy a life. They can break you down, they can destroy relationships, they can make you feel empty- when you have too many of them. Because then you just become the secret keeper and not a real person. That is how I feel sometimes. That I’m just this little secret keeper…everything goes in, nothing comes out.

I have to say that the thing I wanted to do most today is cry. I just wanted to cry and let it all out. But instead I put on the ‘brave’ face and talked about things I never dreamed I’d be thinking about, much less talking about.
As bad as I wanted to get in touch with my feelings, I just couldn’t even touch them.  And I don’t understand why. I have like one snapshot of each instance (I am alluding to something I had up here earlier and deleted…too painful to keep really talking about)…and that instance feels like yesterday…I close my eyes and there it is. And I don’t have any real understanding of how this all has affected me. It just seems unreal that it would. I mean it wasn’t that bad, as bad as it could have been. But for a girl of 11, to not be fully comprehending what was going on and then to just keep quiet…I guess it takes its toll.

And still, I want to keep it in my denial box…because for some reason I think it can’t hurt me there, but I know it can…has. There are so many things painful to me and I just can’t get in touch with those feelings. I can talk about them- but I do so at an unemotional level. I detach myself…it’s much safer that way. So much to say, so much to tell, so many things to feel, so much denial left…what will I do?

8-25
Okay, first day of classes, back at college. Classes went okay, I hope I can keep up my good feeling about them.
Now about the past week- mom had to go to ER from not being able to stop bleeding…turns out she is okay now, a little scare for a few hours. I have now moved back into dorms- wasn't fun moving in, but I survived and my room is all set pretty much. Except for my back- which is in bad shape again, looks like it's time to see a Chiropractor (again). Not looking forward to that, have to call insurance company and I don't know if I can do that. I swear I have this weird phone phobia, especially when I know the phone call won't be perfect and will have to deal with a bunch of shit. I still need to get a freakin pdoc, which I'm hoping by the end of this week I will get that done. It's become a necessity now that school has started. I am brain dead right now though, so I end my rants here. (I'm getting better about updating wahoo!). Night.

8-23
Okay a few phrases that I will explain tomorrow or the next day- when I'm not so exhausted: Mom- emergency room yesterday; move into dorm; back in bad shape (again)....I think that's about it. Suffice to say, I'm exhausted, so not much to say. I will write on all that tomorrow or so- hope everyone is doing alright. Take care.

8-21
Okay, so I'm a little calmer today. Had a pretty damn good day actually. We'll see how tomorrow goes...hopefully well. In three days I move back into the dorms, I'm a little excited about that- it will be great to be back on campus and into the swing of things. Just want to get a routine down...maybe that will help my recent anxiety, who knows?

Anyway, just wanted to write a little blurb that I am calmer, I sounded bad yesterday...and who knows, the way I've been going, that could change tonight or tomorrow! But I'll hold out for calmness!

8-20
Oh yeah- I forgot- to answer my own f***ing question- it is a freakin illusion. Is this real progress? Have I found my way? I f***ing wish. There's too much and I give up, I freakin give up. Why not just let my mind win? Why not just end it all- at least I'd be out of this misery that I keep returning to. Around and around I go, screwing things up and then working that much harder to fix them and go past it...and what for? To crash again, to live my life this way? I don't think so!

8-20
What a terrible last two weeks. That is all I have to say! Nothing but me filled with much anxiety. It's been crazy, I've been feeling like I want to crawl out of my skin. Well I last wrote on the 13th, and things got worse. After we were down with those kids with the research project, I got three days rest from that- worked all that time with my sweet kiddo's though. But of course, as everyone has probably read, I really, really dislike this one girl on the team who no one was ever sure if they were on the team or not. Well she is. Despite missing the last week, we voted her to stay on the team, provided she somehow makes up the time. She called me and emailed me an apology and we talked, I sucked up my dislike and am "playing nice." It just sucked not knowing if she was on the team or not...I had asked my prof before the summer to decide if she was on the team or off (I didn't like the ambiguity) and she told me earlier she wishes she had listened to my concern and given her a choice. But man, what a few days.

Even had a huge fight with my parents again! Apparently I need to "lighten up." They said that to me, can you believe that?! All through high school that is all I heard from them- that I need to "lighten up" and not take on so much. I was so so angry. I told them I was mad, and I just wanted to be mad for a couple hours and you know what they said? They said I shouldn't and couldn't be mad. What nerve. I have since then kept our conversations to a minimum...in fact only talked to them once since then and was short on the phone then. I give up on ever telling them anything or telling them when I feel something- that was the last straw.

School is about to start in a few days...I'm excited but upset at the same time. I had hoped that the last two week before school would be relatively smooth and I would go into school not feeling too much stress...but alas that is not to happen.

I'm sick of these last few weeks and wish they'd never happened. I feel like crap, did a few things I wasn't proud of and just in general feel uncomfortable. I'm nervous and anxiety ridden everyday, and I can feel my head playing with. I know it's (it- meaning my head), wrong and creating distortions again, but for the life of me sometimes I can't help it- they exist without my knowing they do. When I become aware of the fact, I try to change...but it's just so hard.

I have had waaaaaaay more suicidal and self injury urges recently. It was so bad for a couple days I was genuinely worried. I have calmed down some from that, but still need work in that area. I am trying to take deep breaths and sort through everything, but coming up with nothing.

The only time I have felt really relaxed is when my research team hit the beach between doing evaluations. I sat there and just stared at the water...don't know how long I'd been sitting there until my prof came up behind me. She said she'd never seen me sit so still! Trust me sitting still is quite an accomplishment for me, I never do it! I told her that my head was making up for the lack of fidgeting...it was going way faster and deep thoughts. I love the ocean...it'd been a while since I had been and it really calmed me to be there. I think if I had to pick something that really calmed me, it'd be something on the water...I should spend more time there, it's so serene.

Alright that's it, I need to get back to work- just needed to majorly rant. Take care all.

8-13
Okay, it has been such a bad week. I have been really just uptight...overstimulated is how I would put it. I have finally been doing the research project I have been working on all summer, and it is going smoothly, though stressful at times, especially with all the team members here. It's been a hard adjustment for me, since I have been the only one working on it all summer with no help and suddenly everything needs to be divided by four people, makes me feel left out- though I'm sure it's just an exaggerated feeling, since at one time it was all me. But I still feel that way, people are snapping when they get stressed, and I hate that etc. That get's me to snapping, and I'm also not one to concentrate with a lot of chaos around me, and that is how it has been feeling. So I'm left feeling very much on edge and I have nothing to calm me down. I am definitely going to call a pdoc soon, later this week if I can (well I can, I just need to remember and make the time).

8-10
Ugh

8-8
Secrets
A lonely little girl,
So many secrets still left in the head-
Out loud, some can never be said
In case her world would come unfurled. 

Some secrets are too big to keep,
Some things are left better unsaid,
They’re better off left for dead-
They’re just buried too deep.

Memories forced to be forgotten,
There’s a price to pay to let it out.
No matter how much I want to shout-
I just don’t want to remember again. 

Not sure what’s a dream, what’s real,
I do not trust what’s there in my mind;
I’ve been better off just being blind,
It’s so much easier just to conceal. 

All throughout I’ve remained silent,
Not a word spoken to anyone-
What’s done is done,
There’s nothing left to vent.

So silent stays this secret,
Never uttered, never told,
Always keeping me just a little cold-
Better off just to forget!

8-6
Okay, I am in a ranting mood I think. Hehe, that is what happens when I have too much time on my hands! Lately I’ve had a couple cancellations due to sickness and vacations, so every day I’ve had a few hours more than I normally have (though don’t worry, in true Erin form, I met with a prof during those free hours to firm up some research project stuff!). As if I don’t have enough to do this summer, I’m about to kick it into about third gear as a research project for school starts in a week. I am excited, yet not at the same time. I’m excited because I really want to give these assessments to kids, but at the same time I’m tired of thinking and stressing about it! I’ve done almost all of the work for this project this summer and I just want to be done with some of it…well I guess I can’t wait until the other members of the team get in! Take some of the load off of me. And of course there is this one girl I can’t stand. There are very, very few people in this world that I can’t even stand to talk to, let alone work with, and she is definitely one of them. She’s insulted me, she’s practically abused one of the kids I work with and she’s manipulative—all things I hate of course.

But, I must suck it up, hopefully she won’t be around too much, but it still sucks :-/ Gives me just that extra little bit of stress. Hopefully she won’t cause too much of a problem and if she does, I have enough on her to tell her to stick it up her you-know-what.

School starts in a few short weeks and I’m getting a little nervous. I always like it when school starts, but this year is going to be tough. I won’t have as many psych classes to keep me sane lol. I just worry about concentration and all that jazz…it’s always out the window, even now with this research project…I think I have added stress with it, because I have definitely been organized, but not the point where I should be…Ugh, I get organized for a few days and then it just all goes down hill…and when I don’t have a specific deadline to do things, I can’t seem to stay focused enough to complete the task until it finally does come down to getting a deadline…then I have no problem. Annoys the hell out of me. Oh well.

Other things worry me too- have ya’ll noticed- I’m a worrier! I know I am turning some corners in therapy as far as getting better mentally, but I am still….scared? Doubtful? Unsure? Confused? Not sure on the thought/emotion. In the past I have been healthy…for a while, but then I’d crash. Or I thought I was perfectly okay, but it turned out I wasn’t. So what if, lurking beneath this exterior, is a demon waiting to come out again? What if I’m just pretending and haven’t realized it yet? There are so many “what- if’s.” I’ve been down a recovery road before and of course it wasn’t real, but a nice illusion I made for myself. Some good denial going on…so what if that is what I’m doing now? Just denying things, trying to make it all better, so I can function again, so I can live a semi-normal life…but then have it all start to crash and f*** everything up again?

As ya’ll can see, I am in a skeptical mood. Guess stress is getting to me, but I’ve been thinking about that lately and just haven’t written about it.
I am definitely doing better that is for sure. Having my real dad in my life has helped some with that, doing a little better in school (and getting hooked up with disability services), and of course having a kick-ass therapist has all helped immensely. I’ve even gotten better about dealing with my mom. It also appears I may have a life that doesn’t revolve around work this semester as well. Weekends off for the most part, wahoo! Nights to study, another good point. My job is going well, a little stress, but that is the nature of the job. I like the research I’m doing, with bad team member and all and I am a rep for my psych department. All good things going for me.

But of course, I just can’t shake this little voice in the back of my head, telling me to wake-up and smell the coffee- something’s not right and you know it. So then I wonder what is not right etc. and all roads lead downhill. Here's my new poem, attempting to explain how I feel:

Questions
Running from the shadow of doubt,
Trying to break free from this darkness.
I want to scream and shout-
Is this real progress? 

The light shines my way,
This time around I see what looks real,
But does my heart betray?
What does my mind conceal? 

This voice inside keeps asking-
What am I denying?
What am I still masking?
What is there hiding?

Is there a right or wrong?
Am I finally going to be okay?
Is this the day I finally belong?
Have I found my way?

So many answers I seek,
Will I ever satisfy my mind.
I feel so weak
And about to unwind.

I just need to stay sane
Grab my faith, my beliefs
Let go of this pain
And finally feel relief!

 There are three Linkin Park songs that describe how I feel, combine ‘em, and you know what’s going on in my head!

 
"Papercut"

Why does it feel like night today?
Something in here’s not right today…
Why am I so uptight today?
Paranoia’s all I got left
I don’t know what stressed me first
Or how the pressure was fed / but
I know just what it feels like
To have a voice in the back of my head
It’s like a face that I hold inside
A face that awakes when I close my eyes
A face watches every time I lie
A face that laughs every time I fall
(And watches everything)
So I know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is hearing me / right beneath my skin
It’s like I’m / paranoid lookin’ over my back
It’s like a / whirlwind inside of my head
It’s like I / can’t stop what I’m hearing within
It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin
I know I’ve got a face in me
points out all the mistakes to me
You’ve got a face on the inside too and
Your paranoia’s probably worse
I don’t know what set me off first but I know what I can’t stand
Everybody acts like the fact of the matter is
I can’t add up to what you can but
Everybody has a face that they hold inside
A face that awakes when they close their eyes
A face watches every time they lie
A face that laughs every time they fall
(And watches everything)
So you know that when it’s time to sink or swim
That the face inside is watching you too / right inside your skin
The sun goes down
I feel the light betray me

"Crawling"

[chorus:]
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how i fall
confusing what is real

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming/confusing
this lack of self-control i fear is never ending
controlling/i can't seem

[bridge:]
to find myself again
my walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and i'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)
i've felt this way before
so insecure

discomfort,endlessly has pulled itself upon me
distracting/reacting
against my will i stand beside my own reflection
it's haunting how i can't seem...

"By Myself"

What do I do to ignore them behind me?
Do I follow my instincts blindly?
Do I hide my pride / from these bad dreams
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?
Do I / sit here and try to stand it?
Or do I / try to catch them red – handed?
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,
Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?
Because I can’t hold on / when I’m stretched so thin
I make the right moves but I’m lost within
I put on my daily façade but then
I just end up getting hurt again
By myself [myself]
I ask why, but in my mind
I find I can’t rely on myself
chorus:
I can’t hold on
To what I want when I’m stretched so thin
It’s all too much to take in
I can’t hold on
To anything watching everything spin
With thoughts of failure sinking in
If I
Turn my back I’m defenseless
And to go blindly seems senseless
If I hide my pride and let it all go on / then they’ll
Take from me ‘till everything is gone
If I let them go I’ll be outdone
But if I try to catch them I’ll be outrun
If I’m killed by the questions like a cancer
Then I’ll be buried in the silence of the answer
[by myself]
How do you think / I’ve lost so much
I’m so afraid / I’m out of touch
How do you expect / I will know what to do
When all I know / Is what you tell me to
Don’t you know
I can’t tell you how to make it go
No matter what I do, how hard I try
I can’t seem to convince myself why
I’m stuck on the outside

8-4
Alrighty, another rant time. Tomorrow (well I guess today now) I have therapy…went two weeks without flipping- wahoo!! Go me lol. I’m kinda in a funny mood. Part of me is like F*** everything, that I’m tired of just everything. And then part of me is with my sense of duty, to family, to job etc. And part of me wants to go wild, to go f***ing nuts. I am having a battle with pills right now. First, I have been sick the past three weeks with various things, stomach, headache, cold, so I finally went to the doctors when the headaches got to be too much. Doc was worried I took too much Advil (which I have been b/c of headaches), so she thinks my body is dependent on them, so no more Advil for me ever. She put me on a muscle relaxant and big ass headache stuff and I have to keep a headache journal to try and figure out where these headaches are coming from. So of course, this had me thinking about pills.

To date, I have overdosed on Advil, two/three times; Wellbutrin twice; Caffeine pills two/three times. Oh and Ambien once. And I have the urge to find out what these new pills will do to my body. How sick is that? I mean I’ve never even come close to overdosing to the point of dying, but just enough to give my body a reaction. Guess pills are like alcohol to me, since I don’t drink. Don’t’ know what it is, but I get so damn impulsive around pills. I guess that is just another way I self injure myself. I know it’s a choice when I down more pills than wanted, but I just can’t describe what I feel…think, when I do it. Grrr. Just another thing I tend to screw up. I guess too, maybe some part of it is that I don’t like my body very much and I’m not respecting it enough to take care of it.

Grrr, I am such a contradiction to myself, I don’t understand it. Right now, I feel like two opposite people. There is the one that wants to be bad- takes the pills, feels f***ed up, wants to drink alcohol, and just fed up with everything. The other one is telling myself to calm down, just go to work, do school, have friends, and just take it easy- have a life. And the two are just going back and forth, its getting ridiculous and I’m fed up. I need to pick a way to be and leave it at that. There ya go- that is the source of my f***ing headaches. A war going on inside can wreak havoc!

Alright I’m done rambling about my shit, not that anyone cares. I guess its time for bed and trying not to take too many pills, damn it. Alright I’m out.