Each depression taught me something new and each depression unlocked a furor of emotion afterward. When the numbness was replaced with feeling, any feeling, I met life with renewed vigor. So you see, depression was not bad feelings…it was no feelings. Which brings me to a perplexing question many have asked me: Is it worth really feeling things- the good and the bad? Meaning- is it worth giving up the good feelings to get protection from the bad feelings- thus rendering you numb. My answer to this question came, strangely enough, while playing xbox and getting quite a bit of joy out of being the computer. I was thinking about feelings and I realized what I had missed out on during those dead periods. That even though it hurt to have those bad feelings- at least they were real- there was something inside me. And those moments where you have the good feelings, the joy- they are worth a thousand times more than any feeling of anger or sadness. So my answer is yes, it is worth it to really feel things, and here is why.

If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel the joy inside my heart…when I taught a five year old child to say her first words.
If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel the laugher inside my heart…when my little brother is his adorable self.
If I was numb…I wouldn’t feel so proud…when my other brother shines on the basketball court.
If I was numb…hearing the words, ‘my sister is the greatest,’ would have no effect on me or my mood.
If I was numb…holding Thomas in my arms…would not warm me in the least.
If I was numb…seeing Julia’s smiling face and hearing a sarcastic word…would not touch me at the depths of my soul.
If I was numb…my face would never know a real smile.
If I was numb…my face would never feel a real tear.
If I was numb…the world would never see a real me.

If I was numb…I would never feel this real sadness inside…when I said goodbye to the best thing that ever happened to me, Bobb.
If I was numb…I would never grieve…the losses of my childhood.
If I was numb…depression would come again and again…because the pain and loss will never heal.
If I was numb…I see only this fog and no way out.
If I was numb…I’d have no empathy for others…and wouldn’t make such a great therapist personally ;-)
If I was numb…depression and dissociation would hide me…but at what cost? My life?

But you see…I am not numb.

Because I feel…I feel so much joy and happiness, more and more each day.
Because I feel…one bad day is no the end of my world- I know there are good days to come.
Because I feel…I can reach out to others and realize I am not alone in my feelings.
Because I feel…my heart swells with happiness in the presence of children.
Because I feel…Julia gets excited to work with me…she catches on to my feelings of love and happiness…and because of that- she learns and has overcome her autism.
Because I feel…I don’t settle for mediocrity…and my passion becomes a light for these children.
Because I feel…I taught a child her first word…saying nothing frustrated me and I pushed for more.
Because I feel…I’ve taught my brothers love- true love, unconditional love.
Because I feel...I know love myself- true love, unconditional love.
Because I feel…music touches me at the very depths of my soul.
Because I feel…my face knows a real smile.
Because I feel…my face finally knows a real tear.
Because I feel…the world now sees the real me.

Because I feel…I have seen the darkest dark.
Because I feel…I have seen my light inside flicker out.
Because I feel…Bobb was able to re-light my internal light.
Because I feel…I know how much a heart can be ripped to shreds.
Because I feel…I know what it’s like to be able to put that heart back together.
Because I feel…I felt depression unprotected and knocked at deaths door.
Because I feel…I finally healed from depression and closed deaths door for good.
Because I feel…I am beginning to grieve…and it hurts so much, incapacitating at times.
Because I feel…the grief has begun to heal me…I can move on.
Because I feel…the fog has lifted and now there is a dark…and a light- the light is my reward for going through it all.
Because I feel…depression and dissociation no longer cost me my life.

Because I feel…I have a life.
Because I feel…I have finally begun to heal.

Because I feel...I sacrificed my health for an evening with a special brother (got strep from him heh oops).
Because I feel...it hurts when I realize my short-comings as a friend...
But because I feel...the hurt makes me work to be a better friend...to care and love...to be there...
Because I feel...people mean something to me in this world...I can love and be loved.

Because I feel...I can leave therapy and be well.
Because I feel...saying goodbye to Bobb hurt like hell, but I am able to walk away.
Because I feel...I can love and be loved.
Because I feel...a tear slips down.

Becuase I chose life...I am here to feel today.
Because I chose life...I can experience the joy and the sadness
Because I chose life...I cherish each smile...and each tear
Because I chose life...I have begun to experience a life like no other
Because I chose life...I feel at peace

I was numb for so long…so very long. And you know what it got me? Seven hospitalizations…a lot of scars…few friends and a fake family. And that was the way I lived my life. In this fog. This ugly fog and I would go round and round…never changing anything really…just coasting through life…because I thought the feelings were too much to handle.

And then I met Bobb…who would have none of that. For about a year, she just held my hand while I went through the motions and I continued to not feel and I continued to numb myself in what ever way possible. Until I remembered her question at some point, “are you ready to rock the boat.” And one night I made the decision that it was time. Obviously…numbing myself wasn’t doing a lot of good. I was going no where fast. Numbing myself was costing me my life. And I refused to do that.

And in my last hospital visit, almost a month…I felt…the feelings. I let go. My mother’s cold words…hurt me. They cut me to the bone and I let it. I cried for a day. I miss that cry, it felt so good. And I continued to hurt. I was in the blackest depression of my life…but suddenly things took on new meaning for me. I began really feeling about a year ago…and in that year…there is no denying my life has changed. I am out of therapy…and I have a life- the one I always wanted. And I think about where I was that year- in so much pain…hurting so much- I didn’t know how it could be worth it. But I had tried numbing, I had tried my old ways…and they always ended with the hospital, suicide or cutting. And then I took a chance and began feeling. Now I know why.

That is how I healed. I could finally grieve these losses…instead of having them always haunt me- I could move on…finally. And yes- it hurt so freakin much…but it gave me a gift…the gift of letting go

I have so many bad memories, it’s true. And I held them inside…pretending they didn’t exist or they didn’t hurt. Or that everything was always my fault- I was somehow inherently bad- that protected me from feeling hurt. But who did that hurt? My abusers? No…me. Not only did I survive abuse…but I never reaped the rewards of staying alive- seeing and feeling the good. Because feeling the good always meant one day I’d have to face the bad. And the memories in my head let me know just how bad it hurt. And if I felt the hurt, if I grieved…it meant I would also have to face the truth about everything that happened. And for 20 long years…that is what I chose to do.

A year later…a year of feeling…a year of happiness and tears…I know what I wish I had done sooner. Who knew that hurting could heal you? But it can. And man…the happiness I feel these days…don’t even compare to my darkest days (and they were dark). When I see Julia and we are working and she is learning…sometimes I am so happy I want to cry. Or the day a child said her first words…and I was a part of that. I am so passionate and because of that…I can accomplish so much- I can make a difference in this world. And because I feel…I am free to be me. I don’t have to hide…or pretend everything is fine…because it’s not. Would I ever choose to not feel again? No way…because life is sweet and so much more…and I never want to lose these feelings of happiness again. It set me free. I can heal.

Because I feel...I can live my life...and not just survive it.