Changes

How I got to be the way I am...I think about the past and I wonder how in the world did I end up the person that I did?! How have I turned out to be the opposite (of my family), to be the one to seek help, to be the one to change, to be the one whose not afraid to be herself, to be the one to break the cycle of abuse. Why me? How did that happen? Where did my strength come from...where did the courage come from to stay on this Earth all these years? Sometimes it seems like a mystery to me. Where I got the fight in me everyday to go on. I just did it. I guess I always hope that it would be better. I know I survived my childhood, probably on the mere fact that I thought it was normal, AND I had a high intelligence, so I did well in school AND I was good at my mask and so I charmed many a people into liking me and having a large group of friends. And repressing and denial were key defense mechanisms.

In adolescence...phew, really don't know how I survived that but by the grace of God and a special guidance counselor. Again, denial and repressing and staying in a depression, keeping to myself and just living day by day...living with violent thoughts in my head, yet portraying this successful student, both in and outside of school and this perfect child of my parents. So...living in that delusion I guess got me through, until I did wake up and stopped being able to take it...whether it was because that seems to be my first manic and serious depressive episodes and the heavy burden of that mask. But yeah...how did I get to me???

What clicked in my head while at the hospital this time? The first thing that came to mind is what I said to the counselors from about day four on- I can't list the external things to live for- I know those...but I need to find a reason to live for MYSELF...because if I relied on external things forever...if those crumbled around me, then I'd be back to being suicidal, which is essential part of the reason for the last crash. I just needed a reason for me. I said that the first week- but it didn't take hold, my mind dismissed it and I pretended things were going to go okay, but we know how that turned out. So week two and a half or so...it was me- time for me (about damn time for me). And so piece by piece, the more I thought, the more I wrote, the more I talked...I began putting the puzzle together- in a way that was right, that was fitting for me. This puzzle is turning out to be interesting, but I like it.

I don't really know HOW things clicked, just what is starting to click. I'm sure the how is important, but I just haven't figured it out yet- I just think it's a whole combination of things....but I'm just damn happy they did click.

Though I have major doubts...sometimes I just wonder if this is for real, you know? Did this happen, is this for real, it's not going to go away, is it? But the doubts are a whisper and my stronger voice is winning so far, saying I "got it," and it's not going away. Much work needs to be done, but it's possible.

Some of my biggest trouble right now is fighting off the bad thoughts. I still have trouble with that...I was so used to those troubling thoughts, to letting them enter my mind and take hold. And to hit them back with a stick, has been rough. Easier when I stay on meds though lol. It just gets a little uncomfortable and I worry. Can't help it, old habits really do die hard. But...hehe...they are dying. Go me lol.

Ah, well damn, I had some other cool-ass (my new favorite word) comments to make, but I think tiredness and exhaustion are taking over...plus they are on scraps of paper that I can't find. I just know...that I "get it," thought I'm not completely sure what that means...it's something good, because I feel it clicking in my head and the puzzle finally getting done. Well, f*** it...I think the good thoughts are gone...besides this was plenty tonight.