(Matt and Juliet are in the tech booth at the Jellicle Junkyard. Matt is a nervous wreck.)

MATT: OK, is everything ready? This is my first award show, and I want it to go off without any problems.

JULIE: Yep. Everything's ready.

MATT: Is Mistoffolees ready to go on?

JULIE: He's ready to go.

MATT: Then...let's do this!

(A loud drum roll is heard, and an announcer--OK, it's Asparagus Jr. talking into a garbage can--says...)

ASPARAGUS: Good evening everyone, and welcome to the First Annual Tommy Awards, symbolizing the best in musical parody! And now, heeeeeere's your host, the magical, the marvelous, the magnificent, the mystical Mr. Mistoffolees!!!!!

(The orchestra plays a very cheesy version of "Mr. Mistoffolees" as Misto himself takes the stage. The other cats--the audience--are just sitting there instead of applauding. But we still hear applause, as Juliet has cranked the "crowd applause" sound effect tape up to full volume.)

MISTOFFOLEES: Thank you, thank you! It's great to be here! Just sit back and relax as we watch some of the best of the musical parodies we've done recently. Well, actually, it'll be hard to relax, because all our foul-ups are now forever documented, which will give us bad flashbacks for the rest of our lives, and...

MATT: (pulling his fur out) JUST READ THE SCRIPT, MISTO!

MISTO: ANYWAY. We're here to remember those memorable moments with the Tommy Awards, named after the human who first brought us to the world, T.S. Eliot. Now that I've said that, let's get this whole thing over with. So I bet you're wondering, "Where's my big medley? Where's my opening number where they take all the Best Parody nominations and put them into one big hodgepodge medley? Well, since our director is a huge Billy Crystal fan, you'll get something that goes a little like....

(sings)

Iiiiiiit's a wonderful night for Tommy,

Tommy, Tommy, who will win?

(speaks) Queens and gentletoms, the nominees for Best Musical Parody are...

(to the tune of "Sunset Boulevard")

We met Juliet, Griz is back at last

Skimble's meow was a sonic blast

When he took an unscheduled bath.

Now, I can't call Griz a mental case

Although she's sort of "Lost In Space"

Well, that's the aftermath.

Sunset Meow-levard, Sunset Meow-levard,

Grizabella's ego is ablaze.

Sunset Meow-levard, Sunset Meow-levard

SOMEONE SEND THE TUGGER TO AA!

(to the tune of "The Brotherhood of Man")

We did this show at V's high school

Although she broke in which was not too cool

Our big number was real neat

Bustopher craved tasty treats

It's all in H2$!

(to the tune of "Ascot Gavotte")

Rumpleteazer's English was divine

When she broke some glass, I lost my mind

Munk and Old D acted very moldy

In the fic called "Meow, Fair Jellicle".

(to the tune of "I Get A Kick Out Of You")

When we did "Anything Meows",

Tugger took a chance and showed he couldn't dance

Griz suddenly felt young again...

She hadn't felt like that since...WHO KNOWS WHEN?

(to the tune of "Oklahoma")

Oklahomeow, where the songs are just as old as dirt

We all dressed our best, for the wild wild west

Don't let Mac's blood get all on your shirt!

Oklahomeow, Munkustrap was quite the buckaroo

Jellylorum was sweet, Tug was light on his feet

And I liked Mac's double knockout too!

(to the tune of "Mr. Mistoffolees")

And we all said "Oh, well I never, why did you ever think they were clever to have us star in these five nominees..."

Queens and gentletoms, I give you the five Best Musical Parody Nominees!

(applause)

(The cats are sitting in the audience wearing their formal gowns or tuxedoes...except for Quaxo and Bustopher, whose coats are naturally like that.)

TUGGER: I am insulted! He'll get his!

SKIMBLESHANKS: You're telling me!

GRIZABELLA: I don't know why you two are griping. I thought it was kind of cute.

TUGGER: YOU would!

MISTO: OK, now before Matt has me choreographing anything AS WELL AS singing and hosting this stupid show, let's get to the first category. Our first category is "Best Parody of a Musical That Deserved It". Here to present the award are two cats who are always good for a zinger, Pouncival and Victoria!

(Pouncival and Victoria walk on the stage together, to the orchestra playing "The Invitation To The Jellicle Ball".)

POUNCE: Thanks, it's always great to be here.

VICKY: Except when Matt or Veroni or any of the other writers make us do parodies.

POUNCE: You're telling me! After all the embarrassing roles I've had to do, it's about time they had me express myself by presenting this award!

VICKY: And the nominees are...

POUNCE: "We Meow Together"!

{Bomb:
There are worse things I could do,

Than go with a boy or two!

Even though the neighborhood

Thinks I'm trashy and no good.....

Tugger: Not bad singing, honey.

Demi: Well, if Rosie O'Donnell could sing it, it shouldn't be too hard for *her*!

Tugger: Oooh, vicious! You insulted them both in one swipe!

Demi: I..... I.....}

VICKY: "Cat Miserables"!

{All:

Do you hear the Felines sing?

Singing the song of angry toms?

It is the music of a breed who will not be slaves again!

When the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums,

There is a life about to start....

WHE-E-N TOMORROW CO-O-O-MES!}

POUNCE: "Jemmie"!

{Jemmie:

The sun'll come out tomorrow

Bet yer bottom dollar that tomorrow

There'll be sun

Just thinkin' about tomorrow

Clears away the cob webs and the sorrow

'Till there's none--

Munku: Why is it that everytime I hear this song I picture a little child protege` type-person with a demonic stage mom close behind?

Jemi: MAY I FINISH MY SONG, SMART ALECK??

Jemi:

When I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely

I just stick out my chin and grin and sa-AA-yyyy.... OOOOOHHHHH!!!!

The sun'll come out tomorrow!

So ya gotta hang on 'till tomorrow

Come what may!!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

I LOVE ya! Tomorrow!

You're only a DAA-AA-AAY A--- WA-A-A-A-YYYYYY!!!!

Skimble: Easy on the ears, Jem!}

VICKY: "The Cats' Pajamas Game".

{MISTO: (sings) I figured it out, I figured it out

With a pencil and a pad I figured it out

Seven and a half cents doesn't buy a heck of a lot

Seven and a half cents doesn't mean a thing

But give it to me every hour

Forty hours every week,

That's enough for me to be livin' like a king.}

POUNCE: "Whistle Down The Wind".

{Old Deuteronomy: And then Jesus will return he will walk among us. And those who fail to see him will burn in a fiery hell. Those who see him will bask in the glory and they were no longer be sick nor weak nor hungry ever again! No more pain; no more sorrow!

*Launch into overture where everyone tries to dress in broken overalls and highwaters. *

(Setting: Louisiana backwater town, Sunday, 3 days before Christmas-)

Munkustrap: But we don't celebrate Christmas.

(Setting: Louisiana backwater town, Sunday, Church service is ending, 3 days before the Jellicle Ball)

Munku: Better.}

VICKY: And the Tommy goes to...

(Pounce slices the envelope open with his claws)

POUNCE: "Jemmie"!

("Tomorrow" plays as Jemima walks up to the podium to accept the award. She takes it, kisses Pounce and hugs Victoria, and speaks.)

MATT: OK, be prepared for major cuteness and major ratings here!

JEMIMA: Thank you. You know, there's something I've wanted to get off my chest for a long time, and now's the time to say it. THIS WORLD IS BULLS***. You shouldn't model yourselves after what collars we wear, how we dress, and so on...

JELLYLORUM: (from her seat) YOUNG LADY!

(Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer go backstage and grab a long hook. Jemima is yanked offstage.)

JEM: EEP!

JELLY: That's the LAST time I let you listen to Fiona Apple! (thwacks Jemima with her tail) Now you go back to being the sweet kitten you used to be.

(Jemima climbs back on stage)

JEM: Sorry folks. What I meant was Golly gee, I can't believe I got this award! I'm going to dedicate this to all the starving cats in the world! I love you! *PURRRRRR*

ALL: Awwwwww.

JELLY: Much better.

(Jemima walks offstage with her award and we cut to a commercial)