MATT: OK, 5, 4, 3, 2...and we're back!

MISTO: Well, we already learned something tonight... Jemima can turn her cuteness on and off at the push of a button. Inside, she's suffering just like the rest of us are. (chuckles in a very phony matter) But anyway, here to present the award for Best Blooper, here are two cats who ooze dignity and now it's their turn to mock the others for their lack of it. Please welcome Bustopher Jones and Jennyanydots!

(Bustopher Jones and Jennyanydots walk on together. The orchestra plays "Bustopher Jones", but Jenny gives the conductor ten dollars and the orchestra plays "The Old Gumbie Cat". Bustopher looks mildly peeved about this.)

BUSTOPHER: Good evening. It was once said that if you can't laugh at yourself, what can't you laugh at? Well, I can't laugh at myself, but I sure was howling when I was looking at these five nominees for the Best Blooper award!

JENNY: Sometimes those who think they have the most dignity end up being the ones who get laughed at the most, Bustopher dear. I've heard some of the fat jokes the kittens make behind your back. And Bustopher, you know I love you, but some of them ARE very funny!

(the cats in the audience start howling with laughter as Bustopher's face turns red.)

BUSTOPHER: Really now, darling! Let's maintain some decorum! (he whips out his monocle...his fifth or sixth since we started doing these parodies...and begins to read the nominees) The nominees are:

JENNY: "Anything Meows", Tugger having a hard time tap dancing.

(The audience cats start to laugh as now it's Tugger who's turning red.)

BUSTOPHER: "Sunset Meow-levard", Skimbleshanks taking an unscheduled bath.

(Skimbleshanks is turning red now, and he's looking very uncomfortable.)

JENNY: "Furball On The Roof", Pouncival takes a header into the orchestra pit.

(Pouncival is seen on camera, mouthing the words "I wish I was dead".)

BUSTOPHER: "Meow, Fair Jellicle", Rumpleteazer's high notes shatter glass...oh dear!

(The other cats laugh at Bustopher, when they remember it was his monocle that kept getting broken.)

JENNY: "Cat Miserables", the Act 1 ending fiasco.

(The cats that had been laughing now all bury their heads in their paws out of embarrassment.)

BUSTOPHER: And the winner is....

JENNY: Sunset Meow-levard, Skimbleshanks falling into a puddle at a leaky theatre!

("Sunset Boulevard" plays as a very humiliated Skimbleshanks trudges on the stage to accept his award. He receives a sympathetic hug from Jenny, and swipes the award away from Bustopher when it is handed to him.)

SKIMBLE: Well, it's nice to see that my accident earns me an award. I hope you all got a GREAT charge out of that one. HARDY HAR HAR. Sheesh! (stomps off, muttering as he goes back to his seat) Good Heavyside, I'll never live this one down!

(Misto walks back onstage.)

MISTO: Don't worry Skimble, you know we still love you. It's not your fault that an insane director decided to do that parody in a leaky theatre. (casts a glare at the tech booth, where Matt and Juliet are still inside) But anyway, back to the fun...for our home audience, anyway. Our next award is for Best Supporting Performance by a Queen in a Musical Parody. Here to present the award are two lead cats who should recognize the talents of their supporting cast, Grizabella and Munkustrap!

("Memory" plays as Grizabella and Munkustrap enter from opposite sides of the stage. Munk kisses Griz's paw and they step up to the podium.)

MUNKU: Thank you. You know, as leads in these parodies, we should take the time to acknowledge our supporting cast.

GRIZ: Yes, for without them, WE wouldn't look as good!

MUNKU: But we digress. The nominees are:

(Since cutting and pasting takes too much time, we'll just tell you what footage is shown.)

GRIZ: From "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show", Rumpleteazer!

(we see footage of Rumpleteazer singing Columbia's part in "The Time Warp". Then we look in the audience, she's clutching Mungojerrie's paw.)

MUNKU: From "The Music Tom", Jennyanydots!

(footage of Jennyanydots as Mrs. Paroo, singing "If You Don't Mind My Saying So". Then we see Jennyanydots in the orchestra, her arm in Bustopher's.)

GRIZ: From H2$, Etcetera!

(footage of Etcetera as Smitty, singing "Coffee Break". She's in the crowd, jouncing around like she had too much caffeine.)

MUNKU: From "Listen To That Cat-time", Cassandra!

(footage of Cassandra singing "Your Daddy's Son" as Cass is in the crowd being flanked by a veritable army of Siamese cats.)

GRIZ: From "The Cats' Pajamas Game", Bombalurina!

(footage of Bombalurina with Tugger and Alonzo singing "Steam Heat", prior to the big cat-fight. Bomb is in the crowd, practically glued to the side of the Tugger.)

MUNKU: And the winner is...

(Griz uses one of her claws to open the envelope.)

GRIZ: Cassandra, for "Listen To That Cat-Time!"

("Your Daddy's Son" plays as Cassandra slinks up to the podium to get her award.)

CASS: Thank you sooooo much! It truly is an honor to win this award, and we supporting cats bust our tails in hopes that we get lead parts someday, DESPITE what certain cats think. (glares at Munkustrap and Grizabella) But anyway, I'd like to thank all 87 of my relatives who showed up to support me tonight...(the orchestra starts up) HEY! I wasn't going to name all of them! Sheesh! (slinks off)

(Misto walks back onstage)

MISTO: I just heard from Juliet in the tech booth, she said that despite her feelings of ill will towards the Tugger, she'd never cut him off like our orchestra just did to Cassandra! (light laughter) But anyway, on with the show. Where there's a Best Female Supporting award, a Best Male Supporting award is sure to follow. Here to present the award are Carbucketty and Etcetera!

(The orchestra doesn't know what to play for them, so they play "Coffee Break" from "H2$")

CARBUCKETTY: It's really great to be here presenting this award for Best Male Supporting Actor in a Musical Parody.

ETCETERA: (giggles) I know! Especially since all our nominees have one thing in common...they're sooooooo dreamy! EEEEEEE!

CARB: (mildly annoyed) Anyway, the nominees are:

CET: Macavity, for "Carby"!

(footage of Macavity singing "Cousin Kevin". Mac is in the audience with a relieved look on his face, because nothing thus far has happened to him.)

CARB: Gus, for "Little Junkyard of Horrors"!

(footage of Gus singing "Mushnik and Son". Gus is then seen in the audience with a determined look on his face. Jellylorum is clutching his paw.)

CET: Mistoffolees, for "The Cats' Pajama Game"!

(footage of Misto singing "Her Is" with Bombalurina. Misto is in the wings mouthing the words "'Bout time!".)

CARB: The Rum Tum Tugger, for "Catsalot"!

(footage of Tugger singing "C'est Moi". The kittens are squealing over the mere mention of Tugger's name, and he's got a big smirk on his face.)

CET: Munkustrap, for "The Scarlet Skimblenel".

(footage of Munkustrap singing "Where's The Girl". The kittens are squealing over this one too, since that was a VERY sexy song. Munkustrap is also wearing a huge smirk on his face, as if to say "I've got this one licked.")

CARB: And the winner is...

(Munkustrap and Gus both stand up, each thinking he's got this one in the bag...)

CET: EEEEEEE! IT'S THE RUM TUM TUGGER!!!!!!!

(The Tugger bounds up to the podium to the tune of "C'est Moi", as Munkustrap and Gus both look VERY disappointed. Carbucketty shakes his paw, and Etcetera literally throws herself on the Tugger. Carbucketty has to pry her off of him.)

TUGGER: Owwwww, yeah baby! (female kittens squeal from the audience) Thank you so much for giving me this award! I'd especially like to thank all my wonderful fans, you queens are all beautiful! (female kittens squeal again. Suddenly, Gus strolls on the stage.)

GUS: THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! A TRAVESTY! I can act much better than this sham of a performer! Not only can I act...can you do this, Tugger? (gets down and starts doing pushups on one of his front legs, a la Jack Palance. Jellylorum and the Rumpus Cat see this, grab Gus and lead him off the stage and back to his seat.)

GUS: (as he's leaving the stage) JUST REMEMBER, YOU WERE A BACKGROUND CAT IN MY PLAY!

TUGGER: (slightly alienated by the whole thing) Anyway, I'd also like to thank Veroni, my wonderful director for letting me play Lancelot, and finally, I'd like to thank the Everlasting Cat, and finally,the most important one of all...ME! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! (he bounds offstage and goes back to his seat)

TUGGER (to the three nominees, as Misto is about to take the podium again): No hard feelings, eh guys?

MUNKU: GRRRRRR!