MATT: All right, things are going great. A few more awards, then the Lifetime Achievement Award and Best Musical Parody. This is gonna be GREAT! Think of the ratings!

JULIE: Is that all you ever think about? Some of these acceptance speeches might be very touching!

MATT: Again I say--THINK OF THE RATINGS!

JULIE: I swear, you're going to go Hollywood on us.

MATT: OK, commercial's over, and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...WE'RE BACK!

MISTO: I have just received word that there is a new award to be given. Every once in a while, the directors make a bit of a mistake in casting, so this is for the Most Miscast Part. Here to present this award are two cats who lay low enough so that they're never miscast, two good friends of mine, Tantomile and Coricopat!

(The orchestra plays "Witchcraft" as the twins take the stage.)

TANTOMILE: The good thing about being the oracles of the Jellicle Tribe is that we can tell when demented directors are going to miscast parts.

CORICOPAT: The only trouble is, no one seems to listen to us. Well, this award shows what happens when you don't trust the twins.

TANTI: Yes, this is the "Most Miscast Role" award. And the nominees are:

CORI: Pouncival as Dinah in "Starlight Meows".

(footage of Pounce in a skirt and wig singing "Lotta Locomotion". Pounce is in the audience, holding up a sign saying "SOMEBODY SHOOT ME".)

TANTI: Mungojerrie as Roger in "We Meow Together".

CORI: AND Rumpleteazer as Jan in "We Meow Together".

(cut to footage of Mungo and Rumple singing "Moonin'". In the audience, Mungo and Rumple are looking at each other with those cute kitty looks...)

TANTI: Old Deuteronomy as Uncle Ernie in "Carby".

(footage of Old Deuteronomy singing "Tommy's Holiday Camp". Old D doesn't look as distressed as some of the other cats.)

CORI: And Mistoffolees as Mordred in "Catsalot".

(footage of Misto singing "The Seven Deadly Virtues". Misto is again in the wings, wondering why he was nominated, since he actually enjoyed that part.)

CARB: What's with Pounce? I've never seen him that deep in thought before?

TUMBLEBRUTUS: He's just praying to the Everlasting Cat that it won't be him who wins.

TANTI: And the winner is...

CORI: Pouncival as Dinah in "Starlight Meows".

(The orchestra plays "Lotta Locomotion" as a very agitated Pouncival trudges up to the podium. He takes the award.)

POUNCE: I wish I was dead. Thank you very little. (he runs off, humiliated)

MATT: GRRRR! I hate these short acceptance speeches, that means more dead air time!

JULIE: Well, hopefully Misto will drag it out a bit.

MATT: Not very likely.

(Misto walks back on stage.)

MISTO: Ah, that Pouncival, never at a loss for words. Unless the joke's on him, of course. But anyway, let's go on with the show and to our next award, for Best Musical Number. Here to present the award are two cats who know how to jazz things up, the lovely Bombalurina and one of our previous winners tonight, the Rum Tum Tugger!

("The Rum Tum Tugger" plays as Bombalurina and the Tugger approach the podium.)

BOMB: You know, in all the musical parodies we've been in, we've been dance partners, we've played lovers, and we're a couple in real life!

TUGGER: There's only one thing we're not--married!

BOMB: Ooooh, Tug, is that a proposal?

TUGGER: (long pause) Naaaah. But I digress. Let's get on with this award.

BOMB: But you said...

TUGGER: After the show, babe.

JENNY: HER? Married to HIM?! Oh boy, THAT'LL be a hoot. Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn they're not!

BOMB: The nominees for Best Musical Number are:

TUGGER: From "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show", "The Time Warp".

(cut to footage of "The Time Warp")

BOMB: From "The Scarlet Skimblenel", "Where's The Girl?".

(cut to footage of Munkustrap singing "Where's The Girl?". He's in the audience with a large grin on his face, knowing he can win this time.)

TUGGER: From "H2$", "The Felinehood of Toms".

(cut to "Felinehood" footage.)

BOMB: From "Sunset Meow-levard", "The Perfect Year".

(cut to footage of Griz singing "The Perfect Year" while dancing with Skimble. Griz and Skimble are both in the audience, Skimble relieved that for once the clip doesn't show him getting injured or humiliated.)

TUGGER: And from "The Music Tom", "Shipoopi".

(cut to Shipoopi footage. Misto is in the wings, hoping it isn't him that wins.)

MISTO: It's bad enough that I have to sing the medley and host this dumb show, they want me to give an acceptance speech too???

BOMB: And the winner is...

(Tugger and Bomb both swivel their hips while they open the envelope, driving the audience into a frenzy)

BOMB AND TUGGER: "The Felinehood of Toms"!

(Misto approaches the podium as the orchestra plays "The Brotherhood of Man".)

MISTO: For once, I was in a musical number that I enjoyed doing in a parody. Uh...I can't think of anything else to say and I want to drive the director of the show nuts by making a very short speech...so thanks!

(He goes back to the podium reserved for the host.)

Well, it was inevitable I'd win SOMETHING tonight. I guess with only 37 cats, the host had to win something. Anyway, let's go to our next award, Best Performance by a Background Cat. And here to present it are two cats who have redefined the words "background cat"...Bill Bailey and Exotica!

(Exotica and Bill walk onstage as the orchestra plays "Every Movie's A Circus" from "Sunset Boulevard".)

BILL: Well, here we are, presenting an award. Although you probably don't recognize us because we've been background cats for our whole parody careers.

EXOTICA: I know! What is up with that? I have TALENT!

BILL: Please. Too many awards shows are being used as soapboxes these days. Let's just present the award.

EXOTICA: The nominees for "Best Performance by a Background Cat" are...

BILL: Pouncival in...well, you name it!

(cut to a video montage of Pouncival's best smart cracks)

EXOTICA: Tantomile in "Cat Miserables".

(cut to footage of Tantomile complaining about being berated as a techie, and of her spinning the out-of-control turntable at the end of Act 1)

BILL: Plato in "Catsalot".

(cut to footage of Plato being shish-ka-bobbed in the Catsalot joust scene)

EXOTICA: Victoria in "H2$".

(cut to footage of Vicky stretching out for "The Felinehood of Toms" while her friends get jealous.)

BILL: Quaxo in "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show".

(cut to Quaxo relating a story about his cousin Toonces.)

JULIE: Now why did you create this award, Matt?

MATT: Hey, background cats are cats too.

EXOTICA: And the winner is...Pouncival!

(Pouncival runs on stage in a bit more of an enthusiastic manner this time. He takes the award from Bill and Exotica.)

POUNCE: HA! Now THIS is more like it. It's always good to know that sometimes being a wisetom pays off. Here's to more insults to all of you in the future. THANK YOU! (he runs off quickly, as Quaxo has thrown a shoe at him.)

QUAXO: Smart-mouth.

(Misto approaches the podium again.)

MISTO: Now it's time for us to pay tribute to the people whose insanity keeps us from living a normal lifestyle...the directors.

MATT: HEY! I resemble that remark!

MISTO: I know you do. Here to present our "Best Director" award are Jellylorum and the Great Rumpus Cat!

(Jellylorum and the Rumpus Cat walk on stage as the orchestra plays "The Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles".)

JELLYLORUM: I've always had a wonderful relationship with these wonderful directors, and I am proud to present an award to one of them tonight.

RUMPUS: Yeah, because you kiss up to them and keep the kittens in line.

JELLY: I'll ignore that remark. The nominees are:

RUMPUS: Delilah, for "Phantom Cats".

JELLY: RubyFire, for "Starlight Meows" and "Whistle Down The Wind".

RUMPUS: Evaerlong, for "The Queen of Oz".

JELLY: Mattathias, for too many parodies to count.

RUMPUS: And Veronikitty, yet again for too many parodies to count.

JELLY: And the winner is...

RUMPUS: IT'S A TIE! Mattathias and Veronikitty!

(Matt and Juliet run out of the tech booth, and Veronikitty runs out from her place backstage where she was doing "On the Red Carpet" interviews. They all reach the podium at the same time and crash into one another, as all the cats are howling. They quickly recover though.)

MATT: There are so many of you I would like to thank...my parents, for instilling the love of musical theatre and exposing me to the show that introduced me to each of these wonderful cats, to Veronikitty, for letting me contribute so much to her web page, and to Juliet, who has been just wonderful since "Sunset Meow-levard"...as a stage manager, choreographer, and the only one who can handle Grizabella during her mood swings. As long as there are great musicals, I'll keep on directing, and next parody season will be better than this one!

CATS: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

VERONI: Whee! Thanks all! I know that you are all very happy for me and everything, and to show your appreciation for our hard work... Why not come see the High School musical I am in this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday- March 24, 25 and 26 in the auditorium...

JELLY: Ah, yes. Where would we be without the shameless self cross-promotion?

POUNCE: (from the back of the auditorium) FAR FROM HERE!

VERONI: I have to go strangle a certain young tom, but thanks again!

(Misto walks back on stage)

MISTO: Ah, those wacky directors. I just hope and pray to the Everlasting Cat that they don't torture us TOO much in days to come.

MATT: We're bringing the arts to the people online, that isn't torture!

MISTO: Uh...never mind. We're winding down here, so let's go to our next category, Best Female Performance. Here to present this award are the junkyard's own Dynamic Duo, Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer!

VICKY: THOSE TWO?! Well, good thing I have a Cockney translation guide!

ALONZO: No kidding!

(The orchestra plays "Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer" as our dynamic duo cartwheels their way onstage.)

MUNGO: Aaaooowww, we're s'posed to be presentin' an award tonoight, Rumple!

RUMPLE: Aaaaaooowww, it's so bloomin' luvly to do it! These foive femailes are jes' the e-PIT-o-me of grait actin'.

MATT: CUT THE CHATTER AND GET TO THE NOMINEES! No one can understand you with those Cockney accents!

MUNGO: Aaaooowww. OK, the nominees are...

RUMPLE: Jellylorum, for "Oklahomeow!".

MUNGO: Me gal pal Rumpleteazer, for "Meow, Fair Jellicle"!

RUMPLE: Well whaddaya knaow!

Grizabella, for "Sunset Meow-levard".

MUNGO: Demeter, for "The Music Tom".

RUMPLE: An' Electra for "H2$"!

MUNGO AND RUMPLE: An' tha winner is...

RUMPLE: (giggles)

MUNGO: Shhh! (opens envelope)

MUNGO AND RUMPLE: GRIZABELLA FOR "SUNSET MEOW-LEVARD"!

(An elated Griz is in tears as she and Juliet approach the podium, the orchestra playing "With One Look". The rest of the cats give her a standing ovation.)

GRIZ: Thank you...I can't go on with the scene, I'm too happy. May I say a few words, Mr. DeMille? I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be back in the studio making a picture. I promise I'll never desert you again. This is my life. It always will be. There is nothing else. Just us and the cameras and all the wonderful people out there in the dark. And now, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up.

JULIE: OH NO, she forgot to take her pills!

GRIZ: This time I'm staying

I'm staying for good

I'll be back where I was born to be...

With one look...

I'LL...BE...MEEEEEEEE!!!

(Juliet looks at Griz like she had three heads or something, and gives her her pills. They both walk off.)

(Misto comes back out.)

MISTO: Well...that was...interesting. But anyway, since I REALLY have to go to the cat box soon, let's present the Best Male Performance award. And here to do it are two standout cats, Alonzo and Demeter!

(Alonzo and Demeter practically sprint on stage, preventing the orchestra from playing anything.)

ALONZO: You know, the great thing about being a tomcat is that you get a lot of great roles handed your way, and if you do 'em right, you get the queens in the end. Isn't that right, Demeter?

DEMETER: Oh yeah. *sarcastic* These guys really make me swoon. *reads the nominee list* Well, one of them does....

ALONZO: Yep, I'm proud of my fellow toms who are nominated tonight, their performances exemplify what tomhood should be...*reads the list* except for this one...sheesh!

DEM: Before you get too full of yourself, let's read the list. The nominees are:

ALONZO: Macavity, for "The Rocky Tugger Picture Show".

(cut to footage of Macavity singing "I'm Going Home")

DEM: The Rum Tum Tugger for "The Music Tom".

(cut to footage of the Tugger singing "Ya Got Trouble")

ALONZO: Skimbleshanks, for "Jellicle & Hyde".

(cut to footage of Skimble singing "This Is The Moment")

DEM: Ooooh, Munkustrap, for "Sweaty Todd: The Demon Groomer Of Fleet Street".

(cut to footage of Munkustrap singing "Pretty Women" with Old Deuteronomy)

ALONZO: And...hey, me, Alonzo, for "Starlight Meows"! Woo-hoo! I didn't even know I was nominated!

(Cut to Alonzo singing "Rolling Stock")

DEM: And the winner is...

MUNKU: I CAN'T LOSE this time!

ALONZO: Munkustrap, get up here, buddy!

(The orchestra plays the prologue to "Sweeney Todd" as Munkustrap jumps nearly six feet in the air, runs up to the stage, grabs Alonzo in a big hug, plants a fat one right on Demeter's lips, and takes his award.)

MUNKU: THANK YOU SO MUCH! You know, there are so many cats to thank. First off, I would love to thank Old Deuteronomy, Alonzo, the love of my life, Demeter, Matt, my director, for giving me such great parts, and to my agent, for making sure that he gives me such great parts! And LOOK TUGGER, I GOT ONE TOO! WOO-HOO!!!!

MATT: Wow, that's the most animated I've seen Munkustrap in a long time!

JULIE: It's amazing what having a good agent and winning an award can do to you.

(Misto gets back on stage.)

MISTO: Please welcome the leader of the Jellicle Tribe, Old Deuteronomy.

(The orchestra plays "Old Deuteronomy" as the elderly cat walks on stage to a standing ovation.)

MATT: I just hope they stay awake for this!

OLD D: Thank you one and all. I am here tonight to present the highest award of this show, the Lifetime Achievement Award. It goes to a cat who has gone above and beyond the call of duty in the Jellicle tribe. And since this is an award honoring us as thespians, this year, the award couldn't be given to anyone else but one cat: Gus, the Theatre Cat. Roll the tape, please.

(The orchestra plays a slower version of "Gus: The Theatre Cat" as Old Deuteronomy narrates and the video screen opens. It starts by showing an image of Gus as a kitten.)

OLD D: Gus was born in the Jellicle Junkyard, but he aspired to go further, and did he ever. When he was only two years old (in cat years), he headed out to London's theatre district, where he would take up residence at the theatre doors (video footage of a young Gus outside a theatre) and he caught the great monologues of the wonderful actors who had "trod the boards". (video footage of young Gus with another tomcat) The resident Theatre Cat, Cesar, had noticed a great potential in young Gus and trained him to be a great actor. Soon, Gus would be performing in numerous roles in London's West End (video footage of Gus in various roles) such as Dick Whittington's cat, Firefrorefiddle, the Fiend of the Fell, and numerous others.

(cut to video of Grizabella)

GRIZ: I remember the first time I saw Gus. I had travelled to London, as it's my second home, and I was hoping to be a theatre cat like him. Gus came up to me after a performance and said "You have talent. Don't let it go away." I was foolish and I let it go away for a long time. But I came back to the tribe, because Gus's words stayed in my head, and it was a privilege and an honor to share a scene with him in "Sunset Meow-levard" and "Anything Meows". He still has the moxie now that he had then.

He could recite Shakespeare from beginning to end, although as radio and television came into view, Gus was all but forgotten.

(cut to video of Bustopher Jones)

BUSTOPHER: Oh, I remember when Gus couldn't land a job. He stayed at my apartment. But he was determined, and he stayed in there...so he returned to the Jellicle junkyard of his birth, and that opened up a whole new window of opportunities for him.

However, he was not forgotten by his Jellicle tribe. After several years in obscurity (video footage of Gus as Growltiger), he returned to the tribe and along with his daughter, Jellylorum, made his comeback at the Jellicle Ball by performing "Growltiger's Last Stand", one of his well-known roles. Although much older and suffering from palsy, he proved that he still could perform as well as he did in his youth.

(cut to a video of the Tugger)

TUGGER: Man alive, I remember when Gus returned to the tribe. Jellylorum and Munkustrap were all excited, and I was too, because I had only heard about the legendary Gus, the Theatre Cat. When he came, he was full of stories and words of wisdom. And to play a background cat in "Growltiger's Last Stand" was just as big of an honor as being in a lead role of a Gus production.

When younger directors came to the junkyard, they were quick to cast Gus in numerous roles (cut to footage of Gus as Grandfather in "Cat-time", Mushnik in "Little Junkyard of Horrors", Dr. Scott in "Rocky Tugger", Cecil B. DeMille in "Sunset Meow-levard", Alfred P. Doolittle in "Meow, Fair Jellicle", and so on). He is now as prolific in his old age as he was in his youth. (cut to a still portrait of Gus) For this, we give him the Lifetime Achievement Award.

Queens and gentletoms, Gus, the Theatre Cat!

(The orchestra softly plays the aria from "Growltiger's Last Stand" as Jellylorum, Asparagus Jr., and Munkustrap guide Gus up to the podium to receive his award, where Old D and Misto are waiting for him. The cats give Gus a standing ovation, even the Tugger. Gus makes it to the podium where Old Deuteronomy gives him a hug.)

GUS: Thank you, thank you one and all. You know, a cat has nine lives. I'm on number 8 3/4. But they've all been wonderful. I consider myself privileged. Privileged to be a part of such a noble profession as the theatre. Despite all of your quirks, I'm still honored to work with such a wonderful group of cats, and I mean it when I say I love each and every one of you. Words are just so...(begins to break down crying) so futile when one is presented with an award like this. But if it weren't for my lovely daughter Jellylorum, my son Asparagus Jr., and my friends...(breaks down some more) I would not be where I am today. I...I also would like to thank the new group of directors, for not forgetting a cat who had previously been forgotten. And...and so I leave you tonight with something I always say..."These modern productions are all very well, but there's nothing to equal, from what I hear tell...that moment of mystery, when I made history..." (begins to sob out of joy) Thank you again, I love you all! (raises his award over his head, as Old D, Jellylorum, Asparagus Jr., Munkustrap, and Mistoffolees all hug him. Everyone leaves the stage but Misto.)

JULIE: *sniff* That was so touching!

MATT: *sniff* Yeah....you said it. (joins the other cats in the standing ovation as Gus leaves)

MISTO: Wow. Gus, from the rest of the cats, WE would like to thank YOU for everything you've done for us. How about it! (the cats all applaud wildly for Gus again, and he waves from his seat)

Now we're down to the last award of the evening. Best Musical Parody. This is it folks, and to present it, here are Electra and...(a loud crash is heard)

Well, you know who that is.

(Electra and Macavity walk on stage while the orchestra plays "Macavity".)

LEC: Well, this is it. The big one. The major trophy next to the Lifetime Achievement Award.

MAC: And I thank the Everlasting Cat they let me present it.

LEC: It's the least they could do after all the abuse you've taken in these parodies.

MAC: Don't remind me. The nominees are:

LEC: "Oklahomeow!"

(cut to footage of Munkustrap singing "Oh What A Beautiful Mornin'")

MAC: "Anything Meows"!

(cut to footage of the cats singing "Anything Goes")

LEC: "Meow, Fair Jellicle!"

(cut to footage of Old Deuteronomy and Munkustrap singing "You Did It")

MAC: "H2$"!

(cut to footage of "The Felinehood Of Toms")

LEC: And "Sunset Meow-levard"!

(cut to footage of the New Year's Eve scene)

MAC: And the winner is...

(his henchcats come up and give him the envelope and the award)

LEC: "SUNSET MEOW-LEVARD"!

(Matt, Juliet, Grizabella, and Skimbleshanks all walk up to the podium.)

MATT: Thanks to everyone who reads all our parodies, and who helped make "Sunset" a success. We enjoyed performing it as much as you enjoyed reading it!

SKIMBLE: Then they really hated it.

MATT: Where have I heard that before?

JULIE: I would like to thank Matt for giving me the opportunity to work with the lovely Grizabella, and for speeding up the process of writing this parody!

GRIZ: And I would like to thank my best friend and rock, the lovely Juliet, and to Matt for introducing us, and let's hope and pray to the Everlasting Cat that we'll be in more parodies and that we'll all be up here again next year!

SKIMBLE: Speak for yourself!

(the cats applaud, as Misto approaches the winners)

MISTO: Well, that's our show for this year! NOW LET'S PARTY!

(Misto waves his paw and a giant sound system blaring "Celebrate" by Kool & The Gang appears. All the cats get out of their seats and dance until dawn.)