(camera shot of a table set with a model of the Tommy Statuette and a tray of small appetisers such as olives and small crackers with Cheese Whiz)
VERONI: Hello all you readers out there! And welcome to the 2000 Tommy Awards here in the classic Junkyard Pavillion. Our purpose here before the show is to give you a behind the scenes look at the nominated cats and parodies. We will give you every possible little detail you could ever want (or may not want, but we're gonna shove in down your throat in the relentless pursuit of ratings) about this event.
Our first guest this evening is the young and classically talented Jemima, who is up for an award herself tonight...
JEMI: (enters and settles down on the chair across from Veroni at the table) Hello and thank you for having me! (looks eagerly at the food, but tries to wait patiently for her interview to be over with).
VERONI: Well, Jemima... may I call you Jemima?
JEMI: (looks at V like she's lost her mind) Drop the act V! You know me! Over the past months we have come to know each other so well... I give away the plot, you yell, I giggle, we have another ruined parody! You know the drill!
VERONI: Uhm... yes. Now would you like to tell me anything about the creation of "Jemmie" which our readers may find fascinating before the show begins this evening?
JEMI: You mean aside from the fact that if we hadn't given in when you demanded that we do this thing that you said you would cut someone's ribcage out and wear it as a hat?
(Veroni giggles uncomfortably and reaches for a finger sandwich on the tray. She shoves the small appetizer in Jemi's mouth and shoves her out the door)
VERONI: Well, I'm sure she had places to go and people to see... so we'll just move on to the first of our very special performances of musical production numbers from the nominated parodies this evening. We are going to start out with that sentimental favorite from Sunset Meow-levard.... a snippet of "With One Look" performed by Grizabella.
Griz: (walks out in her Norma Desmond costume and plays to the camera)
With one look
they'll forgive the past.
They'll rejoice, I've returned at last, to my people in the dark...
Still out there in the dark!
Silent music starts to play
With one look
You know all you'll need to know.
With one look
I'll ignite a blaze
I'll return to my glory days!
They'll say "Norma's back at last!"
This time I am staying...
I'm staying for good...
I'll be back where I was born to be...
With one look...
I'LL....BE.....MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
VERONI: (claps and returns to reading off the cue cards) And now we're going to bring in the ever delightful Munkustrap to introduce the next snippet from a musical we can look foreward to... "Oklahomeow!"
MUNKU: (walks in in his costume from said parody) Howdy!
VERONI: Munku, having lived through the experience of an "Oklahoma" parody, what can you say about the behind the scenes fun you had?
MUNKU: Fun? What fun?
VERONI: Uh-huh. (throws a sheet full of questions over her shoulder) Never mind that then. Just sing! (shrugs and sits back)
ALL: (sing) Oooooooo-klahoma
Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain,
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet
When the wind comes right behind the rain!
Ooooooo-klahoma,
Every night my honey lamb and I
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk
Makin' lazy circles in the sky!
We know we belong to the land,
And the land we belong to is grand,
And when we say
Ee-yow! A-yip-i-o-ee-ay!
We're only sayin' "You're doin' fine, Oklahoma!
Oklahoma, OK!"
VERONI: Thanks, guys! Next up, we talk to the star from Matt's "Meow, Fair Jellicle"--- Rumpleteazer!
RUMPLE: Aaaaaow! What fun ta be 'ere!
VERONI: Do YOU want to tell our viewers anything fun about backstage?
RUMPLE: OH! Well there was this one time when we caught Matt and Juliet---
VERONI: Never mind! (aside) Why do I bother? Someone tell me why!
KEL: (sitting in the techie booth, turns on her Buffy CD to "Teenage FBI", starts to sing)
Someone tell me why I do the things
That I don't wanna do!
When you're around me-e-e-e
I'm somebody else!
VERONI: KELONZI! CAN IT!
(the Cats file on to sing from "My Fair Lady")
ALL: For Oi'm gettin' married in the morning!
Ding dong, the bells are gonna choime!
GUS: Feather an' tar me,
Call ou' the Army
But get me to the church...
ALL: Get me to the church...
GUS: FOR THE EVERLASTIN' CAT'S SAKE, GET ME TO THE CHURCH ON TOIME!
VERONI: (applauds and smiles at Gus) That was great! Incidentally folks, the cat playing the role of Mr. Doolittle was our own Gus who will be recieving a lifetime achievement award later this evening.
(more applause as Jelly helps him off)
VERONI: (helps Gus sit down) Well, Gus! It's a pleasure to have you here with us.
GUS: You're welcome Verally.
VERONI: Veroni.
GUS: I am thrilled to be getting the award for lifetime achievement and would like to thank each of my relatives...
JELLY: A list which comes close to rivaling Old Deuteronomy's I assure you.
GUS: My Aunt Bertha... my Uncle John.... cousins Lila, Annie, Mike, Anthony, Shawn, Phil.... Great Second Cousin Rick....
VERONI: Oh well what a shame that it's time for you to give us your next performace from another 'Best Parody' nominee! (motions for Jelly to take him off into the wings).
GUS: (as he leaves) My mother's uncle's best friend's intended, Martin..... (is pulled into the wings as the song "Friendship" from Anything Goes strikes up)
All: The world has gone mad today
And good's bad today
And black's white today
And day's night today
When most toms today
That queens prize today
Are just silly gigalos
And though I'm not a great romancer
I know that I'm bound to answer
When you propose
Anything Meows!
ANYTHING MEOWS!
VERONI: (applauds and sighs as she sees who's next on the interview list) Next up is Grizabella the Glamour Cat to introduce the last of tonight's nominees!
GRIZ: Thank you my people!
VERONI: Uh..! (grabs Griz by the arm and looks around for Juliet and the pills) Nice to... have you here Grizabella.
GRIZ: There is nothing nice about it! My people desire my presence and I appear! I AM A STAR!
VERONI: (under her breath) Oh boy, here we go again.. (raises her voice) Would you like to introduce the last live performance of this evening?
GRIZ: But of course! From "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying", we present the grand show-stopping finale, "The Felinehood of Toms".
(scampers backstage to put on her costume)
Misto: (sings) Now you may join the Elks, my friend
And I may join the Shriners.
And other cats may carry cards
As members of the diners
Still others wear a golden key
Or small Greek-letter pin.
But I have learned there's one great club
That all of us are in!
There is a Felinehood of Toms!
A benevolent Felinehood of Toms!
A noble tie that binds
All feline hearts and minds
Into one Felinehood of Toms!
Misto: (continues) Your life-long membership is free!
Keep a-givin' each Jellicle all you can!
Oh aren't you proud to be in that fraternity
The great big Felinehood of Toms!
Old D: (jumps onto the desk) NO KIDDIN'!
(starts singing)
Is there really a Felinehood
Others: Yes, you're a feline!
Old D: Of toms?
Others: You are a feline!
Old D: On the level, a Felinehood of Toms?
All: Oh yes, Oh yes!
A noble tie that binds all feline hearts and minds
Old D: Into one Felinehood of Toms!
All: Oh yes, your lifelong membership is free!
Keep a-givin' each Feline all you can
Oh aren't you proud to be in that fraternity?
The great big Felinehood of Toms!
Griz: (starts singing)
Oh, that noble feelin'
Feel's like bells are pealin'
Down with double dealin';
Oh, Jellicles!
You, you got me! Me, I got YOU-OO-OO!
(Starts scat singing and clapping like she was in the middle of a baptist church)
Toms: (clapping far off the beat)
Griz: NO! Like this! (claps in beat and shuffles around the stage)
(all the queens in the cast jump on stage)
Griz: OOOOOOHHH!!!! YOUR LIFELONG MEMBERSHIP IS FREE!
KEEP A-GIVIN' EACH FELINE ALL YOU CAN!
OH AREN'T YOU PROUD TO BE
Toms: You, you've got me!
Me I've got you!
Griz: IN THAT GREAT COMPANY!
All: That great big Feline---
Griz: Shee-doop-shoo-oo-oo-WHEE!
All: Feline!
Old D: Shoo-bee-do-do-wanna!
All: Feline!
Griz: Shoo-do-do-do-WHOA-WHOA!
All: JELLICLE!
Misto: Whee-bo-bo-dbo-yo-yo-yo!
(more scatting and dancing. Misto waves his paw and sparklers begin glowing from over the stage)
All: FELINEHOOD OF TOMS! YEAH!
VERONI: (pokes her head through the crowd) SEE YOU AT THE AWARDS!!! BYE!!!
(credits start to roll as the cats keep singing and dancing up a storm. Everything slowly fades to black and we wait for the main event to begin while a few commercials are on...)
