(It is another nice day in the Jellicles' junkyard. Several of the cats are hanging around Old Deuteronomy's tire.)

BOMBALURINA: Matt just HAD to promise Veroni an epic parody of Biblical proportions. Why? WHY?

SKIMBLESHANKS: To my understanding, he's doing this one just to prove that his taste in musicals isn't just "moldy oldies".

MISTOFFOLEES: At least I'm not a techie in this one!

VICTORIA: Yeah, but the bad news is you're the lead, so you're in almost every scene.

MISTO: I'm surprised Matt didn't cast Grizabella as the narrator. After all, Laurie Beechman, Everlasting Cat rest her soul, did play her...

SKIMBLE: Well, Griz is still a bit peeved at him because of how her "Sweaty Todd" character got bumped off, so he had Juliet take her to the Senior Educational.

MISTO: Without Bustopher Jones?

(Matt approaches the cats.)

MATT: Yep, that's right. We need Bustopher to play Potiphar in this parody.

(Demeter approaches the group)

DEMETER: Matt, a word please...it's about Tugger.

MATT: Sure, what is it?

DEM: He's getting a bit too into his character in this one.

MATT: Oh boy. We better start this before someone wants to cut his ego down to size...ACTION!

(The curtain goes up, and there is a beautifully tie-dyed sheet on the stage. A narrator--Demeter--is telling, or rather, singing a story to a group of young kittens. Yes, I know that "You Are What You Feel" song is in here, but this particular libretto I have doesn't have it, so we'll skip it.)

DEM: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT!

(sings, as Macavity and Mungojerrie tear down the sheet to reveal a biblical backdrop...typical desert with occasional plant life, a few stuffed sheep here and there...and an old tom with his twelve sons, who are very much alive)

Way way back many centuries ago, not long after the Bible began

Deutcob lived in the land of Canaan, a fine example of a family man

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, depended on farming to earn their keep

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, spent all of the days in the fields with sheep...

MUNGOJERRIE: OK, this is getting disgusting.

ETCETERA: Gutter Brain!

DEM: (continuing)

Deutcob was the founder of a whole new nation, thanks to the number of children he'd had

He was also known as Israel but most of the time, his sons and his wives used to call him "Dad",

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, men of the soil, of the sheaf and crook

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, a remarkable family in anyone's book

Munkuben was the eldest of the kittens of Israel, with Skimbleon and Alevi the next in line,

Naphtumble and Isaacarb, with Quaxer, and Georgan, Platulun, and Gadmetus took the total to nine,

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, Pouncemin and Coricudah, that leaves only one,

Deutcob, Deutcob and Sons, Jostoff, Deutcob's favorite son!

POUNCIVAL: Dad always liked you best!

MISTO: If you'd read the Bible, he liked you too!

MUNKUSTRAP: Don't tell me, Mistoffolees is copping a "holier than thou" attitude!

MISTO: No, I just like to study up on the parts I play sometimes!

OLD D: May we continue, please?

(sings)

Jostoff's mother, she was quite my favorite wife,

I never really loved another all my life

And Jostoff was my joy because

He reminded me of her

DEM: Through young Jostoff, Deutcob lived his life again

Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then

It made the rest feel second best, and even if they were

Being told 'you're also-rans'

Did not make them Jostoff fans

OTHER BROTHERS: And where we have really missed the boat is

We're great guys but no one seems to notice

DEM: Jostoff's charm and winning smiles

Failed to slay them in the aisles

And their father could not see the danger

He could not imagine any danger

He just saw in Jostoff all his dreams come true

Deutcob wanted to show the world he loved his son

To make it clear that Jostoff was the special one

So Deutcob bought his son a coat

A multi-colored coat wo wear

(As she sings this, Deutcob presents Jostoff with his "twinkling lights" jacket)

DEM: Jostoff's coat was elegant, the cut was fine

The tasteful style was the ultimate in good design

And this is why it caught the eye, a king would stop and stare

MISTO: And when I would try it on

I knew my sheepskin days were gone

Such a dazzling coat of many colors

How I loved my coat of many colors

In a class above the rest

It even went well with my vest

Such a stunning coat of many colors

How I loved my coat of many colors

(every time a color is mentioned, Misto's jacket flashes that color)

It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue

DEM: Jostoff's brothers weren't too pleased with what they saw

They had never liked him all that much before

TUMBLE: Yeah, just because he brought Old D back, he thinks he's all that!

DEM: And now this coat had got their goat

They felt life was unfair

And when Jostoff graced the scene

His brothers turned a shade of green

His astounding clothing took the biscuit...

BUSTOPHER: Biscuits? Where?

DEM: (continues) Quite the smoothest person in the district

MISTO: I look handsome, I look smart, I am a walking work of art

Such a dazzling coat of many colors

Such a dazzling coat of many colors

(the lights flash the color mentioned again)

It was red and yellow and green and brown and scarlet and black and ochre and peach and ruby and olive and violet and fawn and lilac and gold and chocolate and mauve and azure and lemon and russet and gray and purple and white and pink and orange and blue!

LEC: Oh wow, the colors, the colors!

VICKY: Pipe down! Matt will think you're in a "Hair" mood!

DEM: (sings)

Jostoff's coat annoyed his brothers

But what really made them mad

Were the things that Jostoff told them of the dreams he'd often had

MISTO: I dreamed that in the fields one day at corn-collecting time

Your eleven sheaves of corn all turned and bowed to mine

My sheaf was quite a sight to see, a golden sheaf and tall

Yours were green and second-rate and really rather small

DEM: This was not the kind of thing the brothers liked to hear

It seemed to them that Jostoff and his dreams should disappear

MISTO: I dreamed I saw eleven stars, the sun and moon and sky

Bowing down before my star, it made me wonder why

Could it be that I was born for higher things than you

A post in someone's government, a ministry or two?

JEMIMA: Doesn't that all happen?

MATT: Shh, you'll give the plot away.

(The Rum Tum Tugger appears)

TUGGER: You better not, it would deprive his royal Tugger-ness of a song!

TANTOMILE: Are you HAPPY, Matt? You just HAD to make him the Pharaoh...

BROTHERS: The dreams of our dear brother are the decade's biggest yawn

His talk of stars and golden sheaves is just a load of corn

Not only is he tactless but he's also rather dim

For there's eleven of us and there's only one of him

The dreams of course will not come true

That is we think they won't come true

That is we hope they won't come true

What if he's right all along?

The dreams are more than crystal clear, the writing on the wall

Meant someday that Jostoff someday soon would rise above us all

The accuracy of these dreams, we brothers do not know

But one thing we are sure about, the dreamer has to go!

MISTO: You'd better not bump me off. I mean ratings, pal!

DEM: Next day, far from home, the brothers planned the repulsive crime

BROTHERS: Let us grab him now, do him in while we've got the time

DEM: This they did and made the most of it

Tore his coat and flung him in a pit...

MISTO: This is the pits.

ALL: Ooohhh, lousy pun.

BROTHERS: Let us leave him here, all alone, he's bound to die

DEM: Then, some Ishmaelites, a hairy crew, came riding by...

(Macavity, Mungojerrie, and Rumpleteazer all enter on rocking horses, dressed in typical desert-dweller garb.)

MACAVITY: I just hope ot the Everlasting Cat nothing bad happens to me this time.

(Any-hoo, Jostoff's brothers sell him to the Ishmaelites, kill a goat, and dip the coat in its blood. They then relay the news to their father in one of my favorite songs from this show)

MATT: ...so you guys BETTER NOT goof it up!

(It's a cowboy-type song.)

BROTHERS: Father, we've something to tell you

A story of our time

A tragic but inspiring tale

Of manhood in its prime

You know you had a dozen sons, well now that's not quite true

There's one more angel in heaven

There's one more star in the sky

Jostoff, we'll never forget you

It's tough but we're gonna get by

There's one less place at our table

There's one more tear in our eye

But Jostoff, the things that you stood for

Like love and peace never die

ALONZO: Jostoff died as he wished to

He answered duty's call

He single handedly fought the beast

That would have killed us all

His blood stained coat is tribute

To his final sacrifice

His body may be past its peak but his soul's in paradise

When we think of his last great battle

A lump comes to the throat

It takes a man who knows not fear

To wrestle with a lion--er, goat

BROTHERS: Carve his name with pride and courage

Let no tear be shed

If he had not laid down his life

We all would now be dead

(fake crying)

(Deutcob is shocked and saddened, and he walks off. The tempo quickens on this last chorus)

There's one more angel in heaven

There's one more star in the sky

Jostoff we'll never forget you

It's tough but we're gonna get by

There's one less place at our table

There's one more tear in our eye

But Jostoff, the things that you stood for,

Like love and peace, like truth and light, like democracy, never die!

(THe cats do a small cowboy dance, and Pouncemin adds to it by firing off his "Oklahomeow" six-shooter, which he managed to save somehow.)

MATT: I thought Pouncival had gotten rid of that thing...

(So anyway, Jostoff was taken to Egypt and sold as a slave by a prominent man named Bustiphar...)

BUSTOPHER: (sings)

Bustiphar had very few cares, he was one of Egypt's millionaires

Having made a fortune buying shares in pyramids

Bustiphar had made a huge pile, owned a large percentage of the Nile

Meant that he could really live in style and he did...

(Jostoff is working like a slave at the mansion, because...well, he is a slave!)

BUSTOPHER: (continues)

Jostoff was an unimportant slave who found he liked his master

Consequently worked much harder, even with devotion

Bustiphar could see that Jostoff was a cut above the average

Made him leader of the household, maximum promotion

(Mrs. Bustiphar's voloptuous wife--Bombalurina--approaches and tries to seduce Jostoff. Fortunately, Tugger's on such an ego trip that for once he doesn't care.)

BUSTOPHER: Bustiphar was cool and so fine

But his queen would never toe the line

It's all there in Chapter 39 of Genesis

She was beautiful but evil

Saw a lot of toms against his will

BOMB: HEY! I'm not THAT big of a flirt!

BUSTOPHER: Bustiphar however thought she still was his...

Jostoff's looks and handsome figure had attracted her attention

Every morning, she would beckon

BOMB: Come and lie with me love

BUSTOPHER: Jostoff wanted to resist her till one day she proved too eager, Jostoff cried in vain....

MISTO: Please stop, I don't believe in free love!

BUSTOPHER: Bustiphar was counting shekels in his den below the bedroom

When he heard a mighty rumpus clattering above him

RUMPUS CAT: You called?

MATT: Not you, you steroid-bloated furball!

BUSTOPHER: Suddenly he knew his riches couldn't buy him what he wanted

Gold could never make him happy if she didn't love him

DEM: Letting out a mighty roar

Bustiphar burst through the door

BUSTOPHER: Jostoff, I'll see you rot in jail

The things you have done are beyond the pale!

CHORUS QUEENS: Poor, poor Jostoff, locked up in a cell

Things aren't going well, hey, locked up in a cell

(We cut to an Egyptian jail. Jostoff is in a cell, and he sings...)

MISTO: Close every door to me, hide all the world from me

Bar all my windows and shut out the light

Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me...

POUNCE: I don't hate you, but I will laugh at you!

MUNKUSTRAP: Come now. I'm just glad I'm not the lead in this one!

VERONI: I do really hate to break up this oh so touching and emotional moment of parody, but the pizza has arrived.

MISTO: Whee! Pizza! (gets up, but finds he's still chained down-- and in a cage to boot) Uh, guys? A little help maybe?

CATS: (sing teasingly) Close every door to him

Keep all the pizza from him--

MISTO: THIS IS MORE THAN CRUEL!!!!! HEEEEEEEEEELP!