(The Jellicle junkyard is being made up so part of it looks like a baseball field, with Matt and Juliet supervising the set design. Meanwhile, some of the other cats are hanging around the junkyard, doing nothing as usual...)

VICTORIA: Well, here we go again.

TUGGER: It's the return of Mr. Moldy Oldies.

MISTOFFOLEES: Quit griping. He actually gave me a decent part! I get to be the baddie again!

ALONZO: And from what Matt told me, all you had to do was threaten to turn him into a garden slug.

MUNKUSTRAP: Even though he was going to cast you as Mr. Applegate anyway.

MISTO: Whatever. It's refreshing to play someone who'll burn in the warm place for all eternity.

MUNKU: Where have I heard that before?

(Matt and Juliet join the group of cats.)

MATT: Actually, Misto, you'll be playing someone who does more than burn in the warm place, you'll be playing the guy who RUNS the warm place! Mr. Applegate is the Devil in human...or in this case, cat form!

MISTO: Even better! Woo-hoo! (runs off to get into his costume)

MACAVITY: Funny, I always thought I was the devil in cat form.

JULIE: Matt, the rest of the cats are ready. But we had to resort to desperate measures to get Old Deuteronomy into character.

MATT: Like what?

JULIE: We gave him a triple cappucino. He is a nervous old baseball manager in this parody after all.

(Old Deuteronomy comes in, jouncing around like a nervous old man.)

OLD DEUTERONOMY: I NEED MORE CAFFEINE!

MUNKU: Hoo boy! At least this'll keep the cats awake!

MATT: This is going to be really scary...ACTION!

(As the curtain opens, we see a 1950's-style front porch and living room. A middle-aged couple is inside. Joe Gusboyd, the man of the house, is watching a baseball game on TV. His wife, Megabella, is sewing.)

GUS: (yelling at the TV) A strike--you're nuts. He's nuts.

POUNCIVAL: So is our dir--

MATT: (clamps one of his paws on Pouncival's mouth) DON'T SAY IT.

GRIZ: Back home in Hannibal we had heat over 100 lots of times.

JEMIMA: Let me guess, this play was written before gigantic advancements in air conditioning, right?

MATT: (looks at the script) Well, it was written in 1956...wasn't born then, wouldn't know. I'd ask Old Deuteronomy, but... (motions to where Old Deuteronomy is drinking cappucino directly out of the cappucino maker)

JEMI: Forget I mentioned it.

(Joe is not paying attention to his wife...)

GRIZ: BUT HE SHOULD! I AM A STAR! THE GREATEST STAR OF...

MATT: GRIZ! We know! But in this play, you're a suburban middle-aged housewife!

JENNYANYDOTS: Yeah, a product of male-dominated...

MATT: Jenny?! I got enough problems here... (reaches for the Excedrin)

POUNCE: Wow, and here we thought Griz couldn't survive without her pills.

(...but rather than talk to his wife, Joe is paying attention to the game.)

GUS: Slide!

GRIZ: Casper Niles tried to fry an egg on the sidewalk in front of his drugstore one time.

GUS: Good old Lonzey, he got a hit.

GRIZ: In Hannibal they were always saying cool air was on its way from Canada. I certainly don't see any sign of it here, do you? (no reply from Joe) Do you?

GUS: Do I what?

GRIZ: See any sign of cool air...?

GUS: You're blind, Ump. You're blind. See any sign of what, dear?

GRIZ: Never mind. It wasn't important. (She resumes her sewing and begins to sing...)

When we met in 1938, it was November,

When I said that I would be his mate, it was December,

I reasoned he would be the greatest husband that a queen had ever found

That's what I reasoned,

That's what I reasoned,

Then April rolled around.

(Joe leans forward in the chair and sings to the TV set)

GUS: Strike three, ball four, walk a run'll tie the score.

Yer blind, Ump,

Yer blind, Ump,

Ya must be outta yer mind, Ump!

POUNCE: Gus is serenading his television set?! This role isn't too much of a stretch for him, now is it?

ETCETERA: I think old age does that to you.

JELLYLORUM: Respect your elders! Kittens these days, sheesh!

GRIZ: Six months out of every year

I might as well be made of stone

Six months out of every year when I'm with him,

I'm alone.

(she hears the word "alone" and something clicks)

Meeeeemory, all aloooooone in the moooooonliiiiiiight...

MATT: GRIZ?! That's the wrong song, no?

GRIZ: Sorry. Old habits are tough to break.

SKIMBLESHANKS: Well, at least we got that gag out of the way early in the parody...

JULIE: WILL YOU WISE TOMS LET HER FINISH HER SONG?!

GRIZ: (resumes singing the right song)

Six months out of every year

He doesn't take me anywhere

Six months out of every year, when I play cards,

Solitaire.

The other six months out of every year

We are hardly ever seen apart

But then the Washington Senators take over my place in his heart

Six months out of every year

I might as well be wearing crepe

Life is just an awful bore from which I find no escape

Six months out of every year.

(A group of toms from the neighborhood--whatever backstage cats we lured out with tuna fish--walks on stage, wearing the same outfit Joe is wearing. They go downstage and sing)

TOMS: Strike three, ball four, walk a run'll tie the score

Fly ball, double play, Yankees win again today.

Those da...

MATT: PG RATING, GUYS!

TOMS: Those darn Yankees,

Why can't we beat 'em?

He's out, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out, he's safe, he's out!

(A group of queens wearing aprons similar to Megabella's come out as the toms keep singing)

Yer blind, Ump

Yer blind, Ump, you must be out of yer mind, Ump!

(So anyway, the stage is divided and the queens and toms sing against each other, then we get back to the action...)

POUNCE: Or lack thereof.

MATT: POUNCIVAL...grrrr...(reaches for the Excedrin again)

POUNCE: I always feel like something's right with my world whenever that happens.

(...Joe's favorite team, the Washington Senators...you forget, this was written in the 1950's, before the Senators moved to Texas and became the Texas Rangers...)

CATS: GET ON WITH IT!

MATT: OK, OK!

(...the Senators have lost again.)

GUS: Darn Yankees.

GRIZ: What, dear?

GUS: I'd like to lick those darn Yankees just once!

GRIZ: But how can you if they're the champions?

GUS: If we had just one long ball hitter, just one...

GRIZ: Honestly, Joe, you're going to get yourself a stroke if you keep this up, or at least ulcers.

(Joe takes a swing at an imaginary ball...and inadvertantly knocks over a lamp, which barely misses connecting with Macavity)

MAC: WATCH IT!!!! My life insurance is through the roof as it is! "Torture victim" isn't exactly part of my job description!

GUS: (after taking the swing) Wham!

GRIZ: Oh Joe, now my friends Jenster and Jellis, they like baseball but they don't suffer so. Well, I'm going to bed. I've got the bridge club tomorrow. Good night. (she kisses him)

GUS: Yeah, sure...I mean, good night. Good night, old girl. (he goes onto the porch and takes another swing at an imaginary ball) Wham! One long ball hitter, that's just what we need. I'd sell my soul for one long ball hitter.

(Eerie music plays, and there is a loud POOF as a tom in a red suit appears on the porch. His name is Mistogate, and he is the devil in cat form.)

MAC: But I thought I was...

MATT: I meant for this play, Macavity.

MAC: (shrugs) Oh well. At least I have this one off.

ETCETERA: Mistogate? Wasn't that the name of the scandal when Mistoffolees and Demeter...

MUNKU: Don't remind me.

GUS: (who has now noticed Mistogate) Hey, where did you come from?

MISTO: (a la Bela Lugosi) Good evening.

MATT: GRRR! MISTO! Mr. Applegate sure as heck didn't talk like that!

MISTO: Sorry. I'm just used to playing vampires and all in "Electra: The Pollicle Slayer" and "Misto".

GUS: Who are you?

MISTO: (in his normal voice) A tom who is happy beyond belief to be playing a baddie for a change.

MATT: MISTO!

MISTO: Oh, all right! (back into character) A tom who agrees with you.

GUS: Agrees?

MISTO: One long ball hitter--that's what the team needs.

GUS: You are right about that. You live around here?

MISTO: My name is Mistogate, and I think we have something in common, a love of the national game.

GUS: You bet. Care to sit down?

(They both sit, and Mistogate crosses his hind legs, revealing a pair of red socks. More symbolism here, kitties!)

MISTO: Thanks. You don't like to see the Senators in seventh place.

GUS: Well, they may pull together yet.

MISTO: I'm here to make you a proposition. Not only would you like to see Washington win a pennant, but your secret yearning all your life has been to be a baseball player yourself.

GUS: I wasn't so bad in high school.

MISTO: Not so bad?! They were scouting you for Kansas City. You've still got your spike shoes and your glove...they're up in your bedroom.

TUMBLEBRUTUS: Oh boy. I'm having flashbacks to the Old-Timers' Game on TV last year.

POUNCE: Oh yeah. Not a pretty sight.

(Meanwhile, on stage...)

GUS: Who told you?

MISTO: Would you like to be the greatest baseball player in all history?

GUS: Big joke.

POUNCE: No, this is a big joke. This travelling salestom's car runs out of gas near an old farmhouse and...

JELLY: POUNCIVAL! Where did you hear that joke?

POUNCE: Remember that night when all the toms were all high on catnip? That's where I heard that joke.

OLD D: COKE?! Where's the Coke? I NEED MORE CAFFEINE!!! (continues shaking and twitching like a nervous old man)

JELLY: Matt, could you spare some of that Excedrin?

(Back on stage, Mistogate is still working his proposal on Joe)

MISTO: No joke! You can be a great ball player.

GUS: I can't even bend over and touch my claws.

MISTO: Try it. Just for laughs.

(Joe bends over, and Mistogate waves his paw, and Joe can suddenly touch his claws.)

GUS: What do you know?!

MISTO: With my help, a lot of things come easy. (he waves his paw again, we see a flash of fire and he's smoking a lighted cigarette) Do you smoke?

GUS: Hey, how'd you pull that off?

MISTO: I'm handy with fire.

VICKY: Oh boy. Not only is he a baddie, but a pyro to boot!

JEMI: Uh, Vicky, if you had been paying attention, Mistoffolees plays the Devil in this one. Fire kind of comes with the territory when you're the Devil.

(Back on stage...)

GUS: Who are you?

MISTO: I am quite a famous character, Mr. Gusboyd. I have historical significance too. In fact, I'm responsible for most of the history you can name.

TUGGER: (sings) And we all say "Oh, well I never, was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Misto..." *Juliet clamps her paw on his mouth*

GUS: (still in character) Listen, I don't know what the gag is.

POUNCE: Words so often spoken by Etcetera whenever I open my mouth.

CET: HEY! Are you calling me an airhead?!

(Two middle-aged queens enter, friends of Megabella's, Jenster and Jellis. They don't act their age, they gab all the time...typical of queens...)

QUEENS: HEY!!!

(...and they ignore Mistogate like he isn't there. There's some cute dialogue where they think Joe's finally flipped his lid, and then they take off when Joe tells them that Megabella's gone to bed already...)

GUS: (to Mistogate) They couldn't see you!

MISTO: No, they couldn't. An amusing little stunt, it was all the rage in the Middle Ages.

GUS: I think the heat's got me. You mean you really are?

MISTO: Can't believe it, eh?

GUS: But that's crazy. It can't be.

MISTO: The world is full of crazy things. Crazier every day.

CATS: LIKE OUR DIRECTOR!

GUS: Gosh, what are you doing here?

MISTO: Great events bring forth great toms, Joe. They arise from nowhere, they take command. That's history.

GUS: What are you talking about?

MISTO: I have chosen you, the most dedicated partisan of the noble Washington Senators, to be the hero who leads them out of the wilderness to the championship.

GUS: The Senators are in seventh place.

MISTO: Your powerful bludgeon and sparkling play will inspire the team to greatness. We'll call you Tuggardy, Joe Tuggardy. You will be twenty-two years old (under his breath) in human years, that is. (in full voice) They'll put a new wing on that baseball museum at Cooperstown, dedicated to you--the Tuggardy shrine!

GUS: Well...well, what do you want me to do?

MISTO: Just leave everything to me.

(Anyway, there's more dialogue here, and Mistogate convinces Joe Gusboyd to leave his job and wife behind--he's telling her he's going on a long trip--so he can change into Joe Tuggardy and get the Senators to become champions. He writes a note to his wife and sings...)

GUS: Goodbye, old girl,

My old girl,

When you awaken I'll be gone,

Can't tell you where I go,

It isn't fair, I know,

But trust in me and carry on.

(The backstage cats are sobbing, except for Pouncival)

POUNCE: You guys are all softies!

JELLY: *sniff* OH SHUT UP POUNCIVAL! Besides, I remember a certain kitty crying during "Furball On The Roof".

POUNCE: Touche!

(As Joe is singing, Mistogate waves his paw at Joe Gusboyd.)

MISTO: All right, cab's waiting.

(Gusboyd rises...and is transformed into Joe Tuggardy. Misto managed this by transporting Gus backstage and Tugger onstage. His clothes are too big for him...and can't believe the change.)

MUNKU: OK, I'm pulling the plug on this one now. Matt, I HAVE to be Joe Hardy in this one!!! COME NOW! I'm an award-winner, for the Everlasting Cat's sake! And my agent PROMISED me that I'd get all the male lead roles from now on!

TUGGER: Munkustrap, you just HAVE to spoil my moment, don't you? Let's face it, buddy, I'm younger, slicker, and MUCH better looking? Can I get some backup?!

FEMALE KITTENS: EEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

MUNKU: BUT I'M A STAR!!! I DESERVE THIS PART...

GRIZ: And you guys worry about me being a diva.

JULIE: I KNOW! Sheesh!

MATT: OK, OK, don't make me get the Great Rumpus Cat out here!

RUMPUS CAT: Uh, Matt, I'm already here. I've got a part later on, remember?

MATT: OK, make that "don't make me get the Great Rumpus Cat to deliver his own inimitable brand of justice". That better?

RUMPUS: Much.

MUNKU: Fine, fine... (walks off grumbling about not being cast as Joe Hardy, as Mistogate and Joe Tuggardy run offstage to get ready for the next scene.)

(The next scene takes place in a corridor under the stands of the Senators' stadium. Two toms in baseball uniforms-- Tumblehenry and Strapovic--are talking.)

MUNKU: ME, a BACKGROUND CAT?! This is an injustice!!!

GRIZ: Get over it.

MATT: GET ON WITH THE SCENE!

MUNKU: OK! Sheesh!

(he and Tumblebrutus get in character)

TUMBLE: Do you have to sell insurance in the summer too?

MUNKU: I don't have to but when I see a tom like you that's not covered, I get worried.

TUMBLE: I've been uncovered a long time. I don't worry.

MUNKU: Everybody should have an insurance program.

MAC: I knew you'd see it my way, Munkustrap, after all the abuse I've taken in these parodies!

(Lonzey, a large, slow-witted tom enters, with a crossword puzzle)

ALONZO: Excuse me?! Slow-witted???

MATT: Chill out, Alonzo, it's only acting.

POUNCE: Although being slow-witted is no stretch for you, Alonzo.

ALONZO: Why you little... (Pouncival gets out of his way before he can get hit)

TUMBLE: Next yeat, maybe. How's the crossword coming, Lonzey?

ALONZO: Very difficult.

(As they're trying to solve the crossword, Cornon and another player enter, and there's more discussion among all the players until Benny Van Deuteren, the manager of the team...who is a bit on the edgy side...enters with the laid-back rookie, Pouncy.)

POUNCE: Uh, where's Old D?

ELECTRA: Try over by the cappucino maker. He's pouring it back as fast as poor Tantomile can refill and serve it.

MATT: OLD D, YOU'RE ON!

OLD D: Sorry. I just forgot how great cappucino really is! AHHHH! (continues twitching) MORE! MORE!

(So Van Deuteren is going over some signs with Pouncy.)

OLD D: Look...Pouncy, what sign is this? (makes an elaborate set of hand signals)

POUNCE: A sign that you need to kick your day-old cappucino habit.

MATT: POUNCIVAL!!! SAY IT RIGHT, PLEASE?!

POUNCE: Oh, all right! Hit and run, sure.

OLD D: Right. Now you're still at bat.

(Pouncy takes a batting stance and Van Deuteren signals)

POUNCE: I take.

OLD D: OK. Now the count's two and one.

(signals)

POUNCE: I don't do nothin'.

OLD D: How can you not do nothing?

CET: Words spoken so often by Veroni.

OLD D: (contines, still in character) If I wipe the take signal, watch what follows. (he signals, Pouncy has a blank look on his face) You go for it.

POUNCE: Oh, sure.

OLD D: Why couldn't you remember that last night, you could have cost us a big inning?

POUNCE: It's not that I'm dumb, Benny.

OLD D: Nobody said anything about your being dumb, exactly.

CET: Well...

MATT: PLEASE? More chit-chat, play becomes even longer.

CET: Eep.

POUNCE: It's just that when we play the Yankees I kind of tense up. I kind of lose my head. I figure what the heck is the use.

OLD D: Will you listen to this guy?!

ALONZO: Benny, there is something different about 'em.

OLD D: What do you mean?

POUNCE: Well, we don't make them same goofers when we're playing Kansas City.

TUGGER: (recognizing the familiar words) Everything's up to date in Kansas City,

They've gone about as far as they can go...

MATT: WRONG SONG! WRONG SHOW! WRONG WRONG WRONG! AIIIEEEEE!!!!!

JULIE: Jeez, between you and Old D, Matt...maybe we should just get rid of the cappucino maker.

OLD D: Now listen, all of you, that's what I'm talking about. Toms, I know you're not yellow. Lonzey, you bang into fences until you drive me crazy, and Pouncy, you played three games with a broken paw. But your mental state is all off in left field...

CET: Much like our director's sanity.

OLD D: (continues)...Now listen to me: Baseball is only one half skill, the other half is something else. Something bigger.

(sings)

You've gotta have heart

All you really need is heart

When the odds are sayin' you'll never win

That's when the grin should start.

You've gotta have hope

Mustn't sit around and mope

Nothin's half as bad as it may appear.

Wait'll next year and hope

When your luck is battin' zero

Get your chin up off the floor

Mister you can be a hero

You can open any door, there's nothin' to it, but to do it.

You've gotta have heart

Miles and miles and miles of heart

Oh it's fine to be a genius of course

But keep that old horse

Before the cart

First you've gotta have heart!

POUNCE: A great slugger we haven't got

ALONZO: A great pitcher we haven't got

CORICOPAT: A great ball club we haven't got

ALL THREE: What've we got?

ALL: We've got heart

All you really need is heart

When the odds are sayin' you'll never win,

That's when the grin should start.

OLD D: Now you're getting the idea!

(And I'm sure all you readers are too, so we'll just skip the rest of this "be all you can be" mantra...and get on with the scene. Demoria, a reporter, enters the locker room.)

DEMETER: Well, I've often wondered what this team did to keep up its morale.

OLD D: We didn't invite the press this morning, Demoria.

DEM: Benny, you're very foolish to have this prejudice against me just because I'm a queen. My paper gives you as much space as the others do.

OLD D: I only wondered why you were here so early.

DEM: I came down to see the naked toms.

QUEENS: EEEEE! NAKED TOMS!

SKIMBLE: Uh, all cats are naked...except when we're doing parodies and have to wear dumb costumes.

(Back onstage...)

OLD D: Could be.

DEM: My boss is very anxious to find out what some of your players think of the Yankees.

OLD D: I'll tell you something right now, my players don't play dead for the Yankees or any other club.

(Mistogate enters as Van Deuteren finishes this speech, along with the newly-transformed Joe Tuggardy.)

MISTO: Are you Mr. Van Deuteren, the Washington manager?

OLD D: (ignoring Mistogate) Why make something out of the Yankees? They're a swell bunch of toms and...

DEM: Oh yes, they're very polite and then they beat your brains out.

MAC: Sounds like you, Matt! You're cool with the other cats, but always seem to make me a perennial victim.

MATT: Whine, whine, whine.

OLD D: They're just another team as far as we're concerned.

MISTO: I read somewhere that they're talking about handicapping the Yankees...making them carry extra weight like with horses.

OLD D: Yeah? So what the heck's on your mind, Mac?

MAC: Huh? Me? I've got this one off!

MISTO: Read the script, furball. He was talking to me!

(gets back into character)

Mistogate is my name. (waves his paw and produces a card) My card, sir.

OLD D: I'm busy, see my secretary.

MISTO: Mr. Van Deuteren, I'm a longtime fan of the Washington Senators.

OLD D: Listen, Mac, I told you, I'm busy.

MAC: Hey, I'm not doing anything.

MATT: NOT YOU, MACAVITY!

MISTO: (trying not to get distracted) And for some time now, I've been beating the bushes for talent. This is my protege, young Joe Tuggardy. Joe's quite a tom with a bat in his hands and I'd like you to give him a trial.

OLD D: Where have you been playing, son?

TUGGER: Oh, here and there.

OLD D: Where's here and there?

TUGGER: If you just let me hit a few, Mr. Van Deuteren...

MISTO: What have you got to lose?

OLD D: Lonzey!

MISTO: He can hit the ball a country mile.

ALONZO: You call me, Benny?

OLD D: I want you to take this tom down to the locker room.

TUGGER: Gee, thanks, Mr. Van Deuteren, and I certainly hope...

(Van Deuteren cuts him off)

OLD D: Tell Vicster to throw him a few.

VICTOR: ME?!

MATT: Don't worry, Victor, your character doesn't even see stage time.

VICTOR: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT! (scampers off)

ALONZO: Sure thing. Come on, Mac.

MAC: I thought I had this parody off!

TUGGER: HE WAS TALKING TO ME...sheesh, that poor cat's taken one too many heavy objects to the head!

(Lonzey and Joe leave, with Mistogate behind them.)

OLD D: Hey, wait a minute. Where do YOU think YOU'RE going?

MISTO: My protege may need my advice.

OLD D: Vicster will give him all the advice he needs. If you want to look, go out in the stands. The field is for ball players. You don't mind, do you?

MISTO: Love it, Mac, just love it. (breaks character) No, not you, Macavity! (back into character, to Demoria) Are you coming, my attractive friend?

DEM: Well, I'll look, but nothing will happen.

MISTO: Want to bet?

(they leave for the stands)

VERONI: LUNCH TIME!!!!

CATS: Whee!!! (rush off)

MUNKU: So what kind of gormet goodies await us this time?

VERONI: Well, in keeping with the Baseball theme.... hot dogs and cracker jack.

MUNKU: Well... I was kinda hoping for actual food?

VERONI: No such luck....