VERONI: Ahh! (pushes back from the table and wipes at the corner of her mouth with a napkin) That was tasty.

POUNCE: You only had the salad, smart one! **rolls his eyes** You aren't.... you know.....

DEM: (slaps Pouncival) Veroni's not like that!!! The very idea!!!

VERONI: I think he meant vegitarian.

DEM: Oh. Eh-heh. Whoopsie! My bad---

VERONI: What did you think he meant?

DEM: Nothing... nothing at all.

VERONI: I'm worried about her and her mental health.

CET: Gutter brain?

VERONI: To the extreme. (shrugs and hollers) THEY'RE ALL YOURS MATT!!!

(When we last left off, Joe Gusboyd had made a deal with the devil in Jellicle form, Mr. Mistogate, and turned into Joe Tuggardy, a power hitter sent to play for the Washington Senators...and he turns out to be quite the phenomenal player, impressing team manager Benny Van Deuteren and the other players, as well as Demoria, the reporter. However, as they go to the team owner's office, Demoria overhears that Joe has borrowed Cornon's baseball shoes...and she's onto something....)

DEM: (writing in her notebook) I've got it! Shoeless Joe Tuggardy!

ALONZO: That's what you're going to call him?

DEM: That's what everybody is going to call him. I'll give this club some publicity.

MUNKU: Shoeless Joe, huh? Pretty good!

DEM: I'll help you celebrate, boys.

MUNKU: Me-OW!

DEM: I meant in the play...toms, sheesh!

CORI: What's the gag?

DEM: Let's make Joe famous.

ALONZO: Sure, I'm willing.

POUNCE: OK, how do we make him famous?

(Three background toms whistle a tune and Demoria sings)

DEM: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

TOMS: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

MUNKU: A little hoedown in honor of our new star.

ALL: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

GEORGE: What'd she say his name was?

ALL: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

ALONZO: She's gonna call him SHoeless Joe. Gee, Miss Thorpe, you sure get some wonderful ideas.

JENNY: Naturally! She's a queen, that's why!

DEM: Oh, I got lots of ideas.

(the song starts up again)

Who came along in a puff of smoke?

ALL: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

DEM: Strong as the heart of the mighty oak

ALL: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

Lucky are we to be having him,

DEM: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

ALL: Just when the future was lookin' grim.

DEM: Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

ALL: Came a long long way to be with us today

DEM: With arms of steel like Hercules

JULIE: I hate to be a nitpicker, but we're cats. We don't have arms.

MATT: YOU try to change the words to the song!

TOMS: YEOW!

DEM: Paws as fleet as Mercury's

TOMS: Yeah!

DEM: He'll fight for us, do right for us

ALL: He'll be a beacon of light for us

He's Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, Mo.

JELLY: OK, I'm axing this one right here!

MATT: Why? They didn't goof it up?

JELLY: Yeah, but Tugger's ego is getting bigger by the minute!

(Jennyanydots shoots a thumbtack at the Tugger.)

TUGGER: OW! What did you do that for!

JENNY: To deflate your ego. It was crowding me!

TUGGER: GRRRR! (to the cats onstage) Don't stop the music!

(Well, the cats onstage finish the number, and we go to the next scene. It's outside the ballpark, and three teenaged toms are waiting to see Joe Tuggardy get interviewed. Another player shuffles by and they run off to get his autograph. Jenster and Jellis walk on as they leave, both with autograph books.)

JELLY: Aren't you coming?

JENNY: No, I don't want him. I thought it was Joe Tuggardy.

JELLY: You'll never get Joe Tuggardy, they don't let you near him. Look out, here comes Mr. Belch.

JENNY: Who?

JELLY: Belch. The tom who owns the club.

BUSTOPHER: Excuse me! BELCH?!

MATT: Bustopher, buddy, pal...

BUSTOPHER: DON'T "BUDDY" ME!

MATT: ...er, Bustopher, don't take it so personal! The character's name is Welch and I wanted to get part of your name in there somewhere...and it turned out like that.

BUSTOPHER: OK, I'll buy that. But BELCH?! Well, I never!

TUGGER: (sings) Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr. Misto... (Juliet clamps his mouth shut again)

POUNCE: Come off it, Bustopher. Belch is a good name. After all, it's what you do best!

BUSTOPHER: Why you impudent little kitten! I ought to kick you in the tail!

POUNCE: Try it and I call my lawyer.

TUGGER: I know a good one!

MATT: MAY WE CONTINUE WITH THE SCENE PLEASE???

(So Belch comes out, followed by a group of newspaper reporters, led by a tom named Skimblynch...)

SKIMBLE: Our readers are really burning to get some more dope on him.

MAC: I can help you with that... (breaks out the catnip)

SKIMBLE: NOT THAT KIND OF DOPE!

BUSTOPHER: Of course they are, and we want to cooperate in every way. That's why I asked you here. But you know sometimes I don't understand you toms.

(Jenster then approaches Belch and asks for an autograph, claiming it's for her sick niece. Belch signs and keeps walking..)

BUSTOPHER: After all these lean years we bring you a truly great ballplayer. A tom for you all to be proud of and right away this Demoria Thorpe starts sniping at him.

DEM: WHAT?! I didn't shoot him!

MATT: NOT THAT KIND OF SNIPING... (reaches for the Excedrin, then the vodka)

SKIMBLE: You know Demoria, Mr. Belch, the eager type, she's just curious.

BUSTOPHER: It doesn't help.

JULIE: Neither does our director trying to get wasted off his gourd...

TUGGER: If I didn't have to go to that twelve-step program after "Sunset Meow-levard", I'd be joining him.

SKIMBLE: As a matter of fact, I'm curious myself. How about those shoes? How come he couldn't get into his own shoes?

BUSTOPHER: A pair of spiked shoes, they all look alike. He just picked up the wrong shoes, that's all. What's the mystery there? Good grief, this tom has gone from pinch hitter to idol of the nation in one month. He's making the whole team come to life... (he exits with the press following him) And then you fellows want to make trouble...

JENNY: (still bent on getting Joe's autograph)...and I'll get Joe Tuggardy's too!

(Someone comes, but it turns out to be Mistogate wearing a press card in his hat...and we go to the next scene.)

(It's in Belch's office. Joe enters, followed by Van Deuteren, and he's not too happy.)

OLD D: Now Joe, you mustn't be temperamental.

TUGGER: I'm not! Only the questions that Demoria Thorpe queen asks are none of her business.

(Mistogate enters the office)

OLD D: A good press means a lot to the front office, Joe. Come on, boy. Play ball with them a little, will you?

TUGGER: They're all a bunch of crooks. YOu tell them one thing and they write down whatever comes into their heads.

MATT: (clamps his paw on Pouncival's mouth) DON'T SAY IT, POUNCE.

OLD D: (to Mistogate) Look, you talk to him. I'll go in and say he's off his feed.

POUNCE: ...Like our director.

MATT: POUNCIVAL!!!!

MISTO: Joe, you're getting to be a regular prima donna.

MUNKU: The Tugger, a prima donna? Nooooooo.

GRIZ: Ah, he's just a rookie!

TUGGER: Why do they have to keep after me? (breaks character) This part is soooo unlike me! (back into character) Why can't I just play baseball instead of sitting around answering a lot of questions? Making up things about my past.

MISTO: It's all right. If you get in a jam you can always turn to me.

TUGGER: I don't want to get in a jam!

MISTO: Also, it seems as though you sometimes forget who made you what you are today.

TUGGER: I'm batting .480!

MISTO: As a baseball palyer you are a triumph. As a tom who goes through with a bargain you leave something to be desired. I followed you last night.

TUGGER: Oh.

MISTO: And I followed you the night before.

TUGGER: Oh...Don't you just know where I am without all that effort?

MISTO: No, Joe, I have to do most things the hard way. (breaks character) THIS part is so unlike ME! (back into character) The only thing that's absolutely effortless is the cigarette trick...

CET: And bringing Old D back...

VICKY: And doing this... (lifts her leg parallel to her body)

CET: I told you, Vicky, quit doing that!

MISTO: (after performing the cigarette trick for the bazillionth time this parody) And now I'm trying to kick the habit.

TUGGER: Well, is there any objection to my walking around where I used to live?

MISTO: Yes. You know how I feel about home and wives.

TUGGER: That's why I didn't tell you I was going back. I love baseball, Mr. Mistogate, but I'm homesick.

MISTO: I'm planning some diversion for you. I have sent for a very attractive queen from Chicago.

MATT: Tugger, PLEASE stay in character here...

TUGGER: (trying very hard not to break character and to keep his tomhood in check) I don't like cats from Chicago. I sold a house to a couple from Chicago once who...

MISTO: Oh, nuts with that, Joe, I'm offering you a chance to know one of the most fascinating queens ever known in the history of the world...

TUGGER: (practically forcing the words to come out of his mouth) No thank you!

MISTO: Well, don't go back to Magnolia Street. Do you understand? I FORBID IT!

TUGGER: You don't own me yet. Not until after midnight on the 24th.

MISTO: And then?

TUGGER: Is it so terrible just to want to go home?

MISTO: It's gauche...like this parody.

MATT: MISTO!!!

MISTO: Sorry. (back into character) You're too big for that kind of sentimental nonsense. Now you just think things over. (he bounds out)

TUGGER: I am thinking things over! I'm thinking about a lot of things!

JENNY: It's good to see the Tugger thinking.

TUGGER: HEY! Will you just let me sing this dumb song?

(sings)

A tom doesn't know what he has until he loses it

When a tom has the love of a queen he abuses it

I didn't know what I had when I had my old love,

I didn't know what I had 'till I said "Goodbye, old love!"

Yes, a tom doesn't know what he has 'till it is no longer around

But the happy thought is,

Whatever it is he's lost, may some day once again be found!

(So anyway, Joe goes back and talks to Demoria, and he and Belch promise to have the pennant won by the 24th of September... and we go to the next scene. Bombalola, a gorgeous red-furred queen, is sitting on a bench filing her nails. This is Mistogate's "distraction" for Joe.)

MISTO: Bombalola!

BOMBALURINA: Hiya, Chief!

MISTO: Welcome to the nation's capital.

POUNCE: Although given what I've read in the paper recently, DC doesn't need those two, it's already shot to the warm place.

BOMB: Thank you, Chief.

MISTO: Have a good trip?

BOMB: Perfect. The plane crashed in Cleveland.

MISTO: Good, good. Now how about that job in Chicago?

BOMB: Cleared the whole thing up before I left. I got the old tom to embezzle $100,000 and lost it for him at the race track. Then his wife left him and he took to drink. I told him I was through and he jumped out of the window. Twenty-second story... (breaks character) Sheesh, this chick is EVIL!

MISTO: I know! Isn't it GREAT?!

BOMB: Mistoffolees, I think you're getting too into character in this one!

MISTO: Oh yeah! (back into character) That's high enough. That's fine.

BOMB: Want me to try the Empire State on the next one?

TUGGER: BOMBALURINA! Don't tell him that's your nickname for my...

(Okee, let's not blow the PG rating here! Basically, she's going to wreck Joe's life so he doesn't think about going home to his wife...)

MISTO: There isn't a homewrecker on my staff better than you, Bombalola. But this fellow's stubborn.

BOMB: Oh, c'mon, Chief, you know I've got what it takes. Don't make me brag... (she begins to sing)

I took the zing out of the king of Siam...

MAC: Oh yeah. Remember "Rocky Tugger"?

BOMB: (continues) I took the starch out of the sails

Of the Prince of Wales

It's no great art, gettin' the heart of a tom

On a silver platter

A little brains, a little talent

With an emphasis on the latter!

I made mince-meat out of a sweet young farmer!

I knocked the fight out of a knight

When I pierced his armor...

JENNY: From what I hear, that ain't the only thing she's pierced!

BOMB: (hisses and continues) And I'll bet, I can upset every tom

In a Yale regatta!

A little brains, a little talent,

With emphasis on the latta!

You gotta know just what to say and how to say it

You gotta know what game to play and how to play it...

TUMBLE: Matt, I beg of you, cut this number down now.

MATT: Why? The men reading this seem to like it.

TUMBLE: Er, that's the problem. All the toms in here have a bit of a problem...(whispers something in Matt's ear)

MATT: Oh...OHHHHH!