MATT: I assume you toms are now over your little problem...

CASS: Which, given Bombalurina's performance, grew into a BIG problem.

POUNCE: Sure. Nothing a cold shower couldn't fix.

TUMBLE: Yeah, cats may hate water, but it took our minds off our, uh, problem.

MATT: Let's just pray to the Everlasting Cat that nothing else happens during this act...

TUMBLE: Fat chance.

(When we last left off, Mistogate, trying to prevent Joe TUggardy to think about the wife he left behind to become a baseball player, hired Bombalola, a drop dead gorgeous witch, to distract him. But Joe is homesick and returns to his wife Megabella's house...of course, due to his transformation she wouldn't recognize him. Long story short.... he knocks on the door after a little dialogue between Megabella and her friends Jenster and Jellis...)

GRIZ: Come in. (she's looking at a grocery list) Oh. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were the deliveries.

TUGGER: No, I came about...that is, someone told me you had a room you might we willing to rent.

GRIZ: Me! Rent a room?

TUGGER: That's what they said--some tom down at the corner. I'm looking for a nice, quiet place.

(Loud rap music is heard)

MATT: POUNCIVAL! He said a NICE, QUIET PLACE!

POUNCE: (standing by his boom box) I know. But since I am the tom that makes smart cracks, it was only natural that I do that.

MATT: Ay yai yai.....would someone neuter this tom so there won't be more like him?!

GRIZ: My goodness. I never even thought of renting a room.

TUGGER: I wouldn't be any trouble--I can promise you that.

CASS: Why do I find that hard to believe?

GRIZ: Well, I'm sure you wouldn't...but you see, Mister...Mister...

TUGGER: Joe Tuggardy.

GRIZ: My husband's name is Joe.

TUGGER: Is that so? That's quite a coincidence.

GRIZ: He's away.

TUGGER: Oh, that's too bad.

GRIZ: Yes.

TUGGER: For long?

GRIZ: Not too long, I hope. He had to go on a trip.

TUGGER: I guess that's why this tom thought you might have an extra room.

(Anyhow, there's more dialogue, and both Joe and Megabella remark about how they miss people they have left behind or have been left behind by...which is odd because Joe left Megabella behind to play ball...but anyway, they sing again..)

TUGGER: A tom doesn't know what he has until he loses it

When a tom has the love of a queen he abuses it

I didn't know what I had when I had my old love

I didn't know what I had 'til I said "Goodbye, old love"

Yes, a tom doesn't know what he has 'til it is no longer around

But the happy thought is,

Whatever it is he's lost, may some day once again be found!

GRIZ: I know what you mean Joe,

Only too well

For I am lonely just like you.

Lonely for my Joe, my sweet Joe

How really sweet I never knew

I really never knew...

A queen doesn't know what she has until she loses it

When a queen has the love of a tom she abuses it

I didn't know what I had when I had my old love,

TUGGER: I didn't know what I had 'til I said "Goodbye, old love"

(sings to Megabella, but she looks off, oblivious to him...)

Yes, a tom doesn't know what he has 'til it is no longer around

TUGGER AND GRIZ: (both singing loudly, each trying to drown the other out)

But the happy though is,

Whatever it is s/he's lost, may some day once again be found!

CASS: Easy on the ears!

JULIE: Come now, Griz, you're beyond starting a shouting contest with that egotistical furball with a stud belt.

(Jenster and Jellis enter, and recognize Joe. But before Joe can answer any of his fans' questions, Mistogate knocks on the door and enters.)

GRIZ: Yes, good morning.

MISTO: I'm from City Hall.

OTHER CATS: NO HE'S NOT!

GRIZ: Where?

MISTO: City Hall. Just serving official notice in the neighborhood.

GRIZ: What kind of notice?

POUNCE: Hopefully a "no more lame parodies" notice.

MISTO: (after shooting Pouncival a dirty look) New zoning law. No one is permitted to take roomers in this neighborhood.

GRIZ: But they do...cats do.

MISTO: Effective as of today.

TUGGER: What's this?

GRIZ: Why--this tom.

TUGGER: It's all right, Megabella...I mean, Mrs. Gusboyd. I know this tom. Just let me talk to him. (fends off Jenster and Jellis and talks to Mistogate) Really, Mr. Mistogate, you're carrying things too far.

MISTO: Joe, she's here. I have told her all about you. She's interested, know what I mean? A real sexy baby!

TUGGER: If you keep hounding me this way, I'm not going to be able to play worth a darn.

MISTO: Do you think I like it? Wasting my time, not to mention the money spent on costumes.

TUGGER: Mr. Mistogate, can't you understand how I feel?

MISTO: No.

TUGGER: I was married when I was only twenty...(under his breath) in human years. (back in full voice) No matter what went wrong with my life or my business there was always someone I could trust and a place to come to where I'd feel protected--this home--and I can't get over it all at once.

OTHER CATS: Awwwwww.

MISTO: Joe, you're not trying.

TUGGER: And if you want to know, I've rented a room here.

MISTO: But I told you...(he gets mad and kicks a chair, grabbing his hind paw) Oh, my hoof!

(he disappears)

TUGGER: (goes back to the queens) He's gone.

GRIZ: What did he say?

TUGGER: Oh, he's just a practical joker.

POUNCE: Hey, leave me out of this!

GRIZ: Oh, I'm not much of a judge of character. That's what my husband always said.

JENNY: We're going to fix your room up with a lot of Joe's old baseball pictures, Mr. Hardy.

GRIZ: My husband's a great fan, you know.

JENNY: Oh, a fanatic. Every night in front of the television set you would see that big fat slob sitting there.

GUS: ME, a big fat slob?! I feel as if I have been miscast!

MATT: Uh, Gus, we attached one of those harnesses that make you look heavyset to you for all your scenes.

CET: No point in telling him, Matt, his memory is fading fast.

LEC: ETCETERA...you shouldn't have said the M-word!!!

CET: Why?

GRIZ: (sings) Meeeeeemory, all aloooooone in the moooonliiiiight...

LEC: THAT'S why.

(So anyway, we go to the next scene in the team clubhouse. The players are celebrating another big win when Belch and Van Deuteren enter.)

BUSTOPHER: A lot of Joe's fan clubs want to do things that night. I asked Joe if he wanted this party. He said no, he only wanted to be in the Hall of Fame.

OLD D: He was kidding.

BUSTOPHER: I don't think so.

OLD D: A party for Joe is a good idea, but about a month from now.

BUSTOPHER: Sometimes I think Joe is fourteen years old and sometimes I think he's fifty.

(They leave. Mistogate enters, and he can't help but like their last remark. Demoria then enters.)

DEM: Well, I hear we finally got on television.

MISTO: Does that surprise you?

DEM: I was wondering if you could tell me why he has been refusing to appear up to now.

MISTO: Certainly, I would be glad to. He's like I am. He's shy. Our manner is vague and aloof, you would think there was nobody shyer...

MATT: WRONG SHOW! WRONG SONG!

DEM: Mr. Mistogate, I'd like to ask you just one more question. When Joe was back in Hannibal, did he have the same name?

MISTO: Yes, Tuggardy. You spell it with a T. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

MAC: You know, Misto, you do that laugh awfully well. Ever considered the rewarding career of being a henchcat?

DEM: What's so funny?

MISTO: Something came to mind. It isn't important.

DEM: He played a nice game tonight.

MISTO: His batting average went up four more points. Now it's .524, not bad for a raw rookie.

DEM: Yes, very raw! (leaves)

MISTO: Lovely queen. I know she'll make some nice young tom very unhappy.

DEM: HEY!

MUNKU: That's MY queen you're talking about, Misto!

MISTO: Sheesh, Munkustrap, you're worse than the Tugger!

TUGGER: WHAT?!

MISTO: Eep. (disappears to get ready for the next scene)

(The next scene takes place in the same locker room. The Senators have won another and the players are whooping up. Eventually they clear out to go get queens as Mistogate enters again.)

MISTO: Well, Joe, we showed those Yankees, didn't we?

TUGGER: If we could just take the doubleheader tomorrow, wouldn't that be great?

(More dialogue here, which I'd rather skip, but anyway, Mistogate mentions the knockout queen he was sitting with. Joe says he has a date back home, but Mistogate says he doesn't mind, he just wants Joe to meet her...so out comes Bombalola...and the toms backstage are instantly smitten.)

JENNY: Come now! Put your tongues back in your mouths!

MISTO: Joe, I want you to meet my friend, Bombalola.

(Wolf whistles come from the back.)

MATT: GUYS! Hold it together!

TUGGER: How do you do?

MISTO: This is Joe Tuggardy.

BOMB: (now speaking in a Spanish accent) I have seen him from a distance.

MISTO: And admired him.

BOMB: You should not tell what I admire.

POUNCE: OWWWW! Yo quiero Bombalurina!!!!

TUMBLE: Ay caramba!

MISTO: Joe, this is Senorita Bombalolita Rodriguez Hernando. (under his breath) Whew, that's a mouthful! (back in character) You may have seen her picture in the papers. She was Miss West Indies of 1957.

TUGGER: (trying in vain to stay in character but it's hard...) Well, it's certainly a pleasure to meet you.

BOMB: Thank you.

MISTO: Joe, keep Bombalola company for a second. I got to get a hot dog. (he takes off)

POUNCE: And you see the symbolism in his wanting to get a hot dog.

JELLY: POUNCIVAL! Watch your mouth!

CET: Yeah! Gutter Brain!

(So Bombalola tries to seduce Joe Tuggardy, but he refuses...)

TUGGER: This is so unlike me, it's not even funny.

(Anyhoo, she really lays it on thick, although Joe resists. So she sings one of the most DROP DEAD SEXY songs EVER in the history of musical theatre to get her point across...)

BOMB: Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets

And little tom, little Lola wants you

Make up your mind to have no regrets

Recline yourself, resign yourself, you're through.

I always get what I aim for

And your heart and soul is what I came for.

TUMBLE: I think we're having that little problem again...

PLATO: No kidding!

BOMB: (continues) Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets,

Take off your coat, don't you know you can't win?

You're no exception to the rule, I'm irresistible you fool, give in, give in, give in!

(she strips off her skirt, revealing a pair of tight pants, then a pair of tights.....and Joe Tuggardy still rejects her advances... however all the other toms in the area except for Gus, Bustopher, Old Deuteronomy and Misto are having quite the hard time keeping their hormones in check. MIstogate re-enters.)

MISTO: What a flop. Just a routine case, eh?

BOMB: (dropping the accent) I was wrong. He is different.

MISTO: Alibi Ike.

BOMB: I never ran up against one like that before.

MISTO: Oh, bosh and double bosh. Get yourself a new line. Your methods are old-fashioned. Whatever Lola wants.

BOMB: All right, Chief. You just give me time, just give me...

(There's no time for more seduction...instead MIstogate is going to whip up a scandal while Joe and the team go out west. Meanwhile there have been parties set up to appreciate Joe Tuggardy. During one of these parties Bombalola shows up... and Demoria is also there, and finds that no one in Hannibal has heard of Joe... so she suspects he's Shifty Mungoy, a player who took a bribe a while back. However, this noise is all killed real quick as Bombalola re-emerges with George...one of the few toms Tugger trusts with his queen...and they do a dance...)

BOMB AND GEORGE: Ugh!

Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?

Who's got the pain when they go "Ugh"?

Who's got the pain when they do the mambo?

I dunno who--do you?

POUNCE: I've got the pain...but it's not from doing the mambo!

BOMB AND GEORGE: Who needs a pill when they do the mambo?

Who needs a pill when they go "Ugh"?

Who needs a pill when they do the mambo...

JULIE: That reminds me...Griz? Time for your pills...

BOMB AND GEORGE: I dunno who--do you?

Soomeone must be sick with the heat

Or steppin' on everyone's feet

But if everyone's feeling OK

Why don't they just say Ole

When the music carries them away! "Ugh"!

(So this sexy mambo dance goes on like this...but then Belch interrupts the festivities...)

BUSTOPHER: Joe.

OLD D: What's the matter?

BUSTOPHER: Joe, a very terrible thing has happened. In a few minutes, there will be an extra on the streets accusing you of being a tom who took a bribe down with the Mexican League. (the crowd murmurs) QUIET! I want Joe to tell us it's not so.

TUGGER: Took a bribe?

BUSTOPHER: Yes, Joe.

TUGGER: I wouldn't do such a thing.

BUSTOPHER: The Commissioner has called a hearing for tomorrow morning.

TUGGER: But who would say such a thing about me?

BUSTOPHER: If you can clear yourself, you can play, otherwise not.

TUGGER: They gotta let me play. They gotta! Listen, everybody. You've got to believe me. I'm not any crook. I'd die for the team. And I will, and we'll win...We've GOT to win!

*END OF ACT ONE*

TUGGER: THANK THE EVERLASTING CAT! Matt....were you just trying to see how far I could hold myself, giving Bombalurina all those sexy songs? I gotta go! *runs off to the cat box to relieve his...er, tension*

OTHER TOMS: US, TOO! WAIT UP, TUGGER! (they go after him)

VERONI: (walks in just in time to be shoved out of the way by the "distraught" toms) Uh-huh...... Grossness.