Krazy Kat: Hoi there kitties, I've got a new script for you to act out and you will like it!!!!!

Pounce: Is that an order?

KK: Yes!!!!!

Munku: (aside) Hmm, five exclamation points. Better have a straitjacket on standby.

Skimble: May as well get it overwith. Who am I?

KK: That's it!!!!!

Skimble: What?

KK: No, he's on second!!!!!

Dread Moderator: Look here, I absolutely refuse to have that particular joke on my page.

KK: Oh, very well!!!!! Here's the cast list!!!!!

Skimble: Professor????? BWAHAHAHA!!!!!

KK: For those not familiar, an explanation!!!!! The Doctor is a mysterious time traveller of a race known as the Time Toms!!!!!

Pounce: Why don't we know his name?

Tumble: Probably because it's something really stupid, like Ethelbert Grunt-Futtock.

Mr. Dictionary: A note to you dirty-minded types: Futtocks are the ribs of a ship's hull, and not... that other thing.

KK:Anyway...what's that????? Oh, thank you!!!!! (pops a couple of lithium pills) However, he feels the need to bring along Companions to Share the Experience, though they all eventually leave him. So, he'll kidnap a Companion here, ditch another in some hellhole there, and generally mucks about with the timeline. His time machine, the TARDIS (Temporal Agony Rendered Devilishly in Individual Servings), is a cheap, unreliable, used model. He has little control where it goes and the chameleon circuit (which makes it appear as something that won't stick out) is stuck in the shape of a police box (a kind of telephone booth). Like all cats... Yes Skimble?

Skimble: Do I really have to wear this scarf?

KK: What's wrong with it?

Skimble: It's ratty, it's ugly, and it's fifteen feet long. I'm liable to trip over it.

KK: But it's a vital character component.

Skimble: Pardon?

KK: The First Doctor had the walking stick and was a grumpy old frump, the Second had the recorder and an acute case of tone deafness, the Third had a really cool car, the Fifth had the celery stalk an excessive knowledge of cricket, the Sixth had color-blindness and was psychotic to boot, the Seventh had the umbrella, and the Fourth (the one you'll play) had the scarf.

Skimble: Oh, all right. But only as long as I don't have to wear the Mike Brady wig as well.

KK: Done. Now where was I? Oh yes. Like all cats, the Time Toms have multiple lives. They, however, have managed to cut themselves a better deal and have thirteen lives. When the Time Tom dies, the body reforms into a different appearance. There will frequently be various personality changes. As has been indicated previously, this adventure features the fourth incarnation of the Doctor. Now his current Companions. First is Sarah Jane Smith, who is a journalist. She first met the Doctor in his third incarnation at a "top secret" meeting of scientists which she got into disguised as her Uncle Farnsworth. But that's another story. Also with them is Lt. Harry Sullivan, a Royal Navy M.D. Actually, he has no medical knowledge and wouldn't know how to treat a scraped knee. He had gotten to his position by obtaining the personal records of the crew and discreetly blackmailing his way up the ranks. If it ever came out that he was really Jimmy the Doughnut Boy, he was finished. But enough reminising. Everyone read their parts?

All: (dejected) Yes.

KK: Then to your places. First a brief word on what happened previous to today's adventure. Temporarily separated from the TARDIS, the Doctor uses a Time Ring to go to when the dreaded Polleks were created by the mad genius Davros.

Tantomile: Wasn't he in the Star Trek episode The Menagerie?

Coporicat: No, though the resemblence is striking.

KK: Anyhoo, he attempts to stop their creation. Reality, however, doesn't like to be screwed with, so it sends several BBC marketing execs. They explain that such an action would mess up the show's continuity as well as its ratings, and there'd be no sales of Pollek action figures, and with Christmas around the corner too. He is told that if he persists, they will have no alternative but to release The Curse of the Fatal Death. After a bit of sulking and a couple packets of Jelly Babies consumed, he concurs and uses the Time Ring to take him and his Companions to the time and place where the TARDIS should reappear. And where is that? It's in an unusually quiet space station.

(The protagonists teleport into a space station control room)

Doctor: Well, we're here! Did you enjoy the trip?

(Sarah and Harry are too busy puking their guts out)

Doctor: Glad to see you're enjoying yourselves. Let's hop back into the TARDIS and be on our way.

Sarah: But the TARDIS isn't here.

Doctor: Err... Well that's because it hasn't arrived yet.

Harry: We can see that. Why hasn't it arrived yet?

Doctor: (glancing at technobabble generator) Well, the Temporal Anti-Phase Neutron Wossit on the TARDIS has been set to a tachyon output of .4742.

Harry: Huh?????

Doctor: And with the posiquantum plasma generator going at 200 kiloranis per minute, this means that the TARDIS won't arrive for a bit so let's tour the station.

(He opens a door. Corpse falls out with a squishy thud. Harry checks for lifesigns.)

Harry: He's dead, Jim.

Doctor: I'm not Jim. He left in The War Games.

Sarah: You're sure he's dead and not passed out? (Passes thru open door into hallway) It smells like a frat party out there.

Harry: Are you dead?

Corpse: Yeah.

KK: Idiot! Dead people aren't suppose to talk.

Corpse: Oops! Sorry.

KK: Anyway, as they walked down the corridor, they found the place littered with the bodies of the dead crew. Sez you: "Surely there's at least one survivor, as there always is." Sez I: "Course there is." They are the station commander Stevenson and his underlings Lester and Warner. It's not easy for three guys to run a station meant for a crew of fifty. They've been particularly slack in their ATC duties, not having caused two starships to crash into each other for a while. The only thing they've gotten right is to not allow starships to dock, though not due to ATC duties. The reason is they believe the crew was killed by a plague and Central Control has ordered them not to spread their joy, so to speak. As per the rules of General Fiction, there is one other survivor. That is the Obnoxious Civilian, in the person of a planetary surveyor known as Professor Kellman. While alone in the Radio Room, Warner picks up a mysterious call apparently originating from the asteroid the station orbits.

Radio: Hello? I'm calling space station SM34. Can anyone hear me?

Warner: This is space station SM34. Over.

Radio: Breaker, breaker. Any smokies out tonight? Can anyone hear me?

Warner: Get your finger off the send button, you idiot! (Scene changes to a cave. Two guys with rifles come up behind some operating a radio.)

Operator: Can anyone hear me? Can anyone... (looks behind) Err... (Operator is shot dead with paint pellets. We abruptly switch back to the station.)

Warner: Will you please respond, else I shall be forced to place you in Hold Limbo.

(Kellman enters)

Warner: Professor, is this asteroid inhabited?

Kellman: On Nepeta? Of course not. Why do you ask?

Warner: I just received a call from that direction.

Kellman: What you heard was Frank Edward's "Stranger Than Science", which got here due to swamp gas leaking out of a weather balloon that was hit by a flock of geese.

Warner: I think my idea is more likely, and I'll log it as such.

Kellman: (muttering to self) We'll see about that. (he leaves)

KK: But let us go back to the Doctor and his Companions, who have just run into an obstacle.

Doctor: Hmph. Bloody door's locked. And whatever killed these people may be lurking on the other side.

Harry: You mean some sort of B movie monster?

Doctor: I certainly hope not. We don't want to degrade the plot anymore than necessary. I should be able to open it with...

FANFARE

Doctor: The Sonic Screwdriver and we'll be on our way.

Sarah: But what if there is a B movie monster there?

Doctor: Then I'll jab it in the Voonerables with...

FANFARE

Doctor: The Sonic Screwdriver and it won't be a problem.

KK: Well, he managed to open the door and there was no B movie monster behind it. However, the Doctor failed to disarm the silent alarm. So Stevenson and Lester each grab an SMG loaded with Nerf bullets and go investigate. Sez you: "What about that guy in the cave? What was that about?" Sez I: "Keep your pants on. I was going to get to that next." Nepeta is, of course, inhabited, but they have avoided attracting attention to themselves for fear of being attacked by the Cyber-Pekes (more on that later). There is one Nepetan, by the name of Vorus, who, along with his lackey Magrick, plans to lure the remnants of the Cyber-Pekes into a trap so that Nepeta can come out in the open and trade in the stuff they're named after. Such a plan, of course, requires that no one blab, which is why that fellow was shot. But let's get back to the station, where a sleep-deprived Warner is about to get an unpleasant surprise.

(A mettalic frog sneaks up behind Warner.)

Frog: bud...bud...

Qarner: (groggy) Hungh? (turns around)

(Frog leaps onto Warner's mouth.)

Warner: Mmmph!!!!! (Pulls frog off and flings it against the wall. It does not turn into a hansome prince. Warner collapses. Things look grim.)

Plato: Hang on a minute. You mean to say that I've just been kissed to death by a frog?

KK: This appears to be the case.

Plato: What an undignified way to go!

KK: Anyway, let's join Stevenson and Lester who have arrived on the scene of the crime.

Stevenson: Well, someone has busted in, and it looks like he did it with...

FANFARE

Lester: What?????

Stevenson: I said...

FANFARE

Stevenson: KEEP THE BAND QUIET AND I'LL TELL HIM!!!!! With a Sonic Screwdriver. NOW PLAY!!!!!

FANFARE

KK: But let us leave these two and go to the Radio Room where we see Kellman ripping out the radio log tape.

Demeter: TAPE????? A space station in the supposedly far future records its radio logs on TAPE?????

KK: This one was first produced in the seventies when tape was the most advanced imaginable, and it's easier to sabotage. While he's having his fun, let's check up on the Doctor.

(They enter a control room.)

Sarah: Isn't this where we started?

Doctor: No, this is the forward control room.

Harry: Well, the TARDIS isn't here either.

Doctor: Well, it probably ran into a delay while picking up some lemon-soaked paper napkins.

(Stevenson and Lester enter.)

Stevenson: Alright, tell us who you are and what you're doing here. Then we'll beat you up a bit.

Lester: Although not too much as we're opposed to unnecessary violence.

Doctor: I'm the Doctor.

Stevenson: Doctor who?

Doctor: Close enough. These are Sarah Jane Smith and Harry Sullivan.

Stevenson: If you're trying to start an Abbott and Costello skit...

(Kellman enters.)

Kellman: Oh Comma-a-a-a-ander! Look what I found. (They enter the Radio Room and see Warner heaving his last. Stevenson aims his SMG.)

Doctor: What are you going to shoot him for?

Stevenson: It's the only way to stop the plague.

Doctor: How does that stop it from spreading?

Stevenson: Dunno. Just something we were taught in basic training.

Doctor: That's a variation of coup de gras, you moron! My friend here claims to be an M.D., so let's see if he can do something.

(Warner is carried out. All leave except the Doctor and Stevenson.)

KK: You've probably figured out by this point that Kellman is a nogoodnik.

Sez you: "Course we did. Bloody obvious, i'n't it?" Well, let's follow him to his cabin where he's setting up a surveillance device that's disguised as a scrubbrush.

(Turns on device. The Doctor and Stevenson appear on screen.)

Doctor: Do you keep frogs here?

Stevenson: No. Why do you ask?

Doctor: There are frogprints all over the station. Hum hmm. You're still using TAPE to record radio logs?

Stevenson: Budget cuts, don't you know.

Doctor: Also makes for easier sabotage, as you can see. Hum hmm. Who's the Obnoxious Civilian?

Stevenson: Professor Kellman, a planetary surveyor.

Doctor: Surveying what?

Stevenson: The asteroid we're orbiting.

Doctor: What's it called?

Stevenson: He calls it Nepeta.

Doctor: Nepeta...hmm...Eureka!

Stevenson: I'm afraid we don't have any fresh towels.

Doctor: No, I mean Nepeta, also known as the Planet of Catnip. This means only one thing. Cyber-Pekes. Come on. (He leaves the room.)

Stevenson: (following) Have you by any chance been inhaling liquid paper fumes?

KK: After hearing this, Kellman turns off his surveillance device and pulls out a radio. You can probably guess who he's contacting.

Tumble: Cleetus Maggard.

KK: Ye...NO!!!!! The Cyber-Pekes! Sheesh. Anyway, let's check on on how Warner is doing.

(Switch to crew quarters. Doctor and Stevenson enter.)

Doctor: So, how's our little patient?

Harry: Er, I'm afraid he died on us.

Doctor: And you call yourself a doctor.

(Pulls bellows from pocket and sticks it in Warner's mouth. Pumps a few times and removes it. Pushes down on his chest.)

Warner: Troooooo luuuuuuv.

Doctor: (sniffing exhalation) Aha, just as I thought. His death was caused by being force-fed American beer.

Sarah: What a horrible way to go.

Doctor: Had I thought of it sooner, we could have sent him through the teleporter to filter out the beer molecules.

Lester: That sounds kind of screwy.

Doctor: Well, it always works on Star Trek. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to follow a hunch. (He leaves)

Harry: Is that a kind of bird?

KK: Well, the Doctor of course has figured out that Kellman is a nogoodnik. So he goes off to search his cabin, waiting for him to leave first. The door's locked, but that's no obstacle for someone with...

FANFARE

KK: The Sonic Screwdriver. Among the several issues of Playtom he finds the surveillance device, the radio, and a packet of unrefined catnip. Before he can go on, Kellman returns so he must nip under the bed.

Skimble: Hang on, there's got to be a better place to hide than under the bed.

KK: 'Fraid not. The only other place is a rather cramped closet. Pull in your scarf, it's sticking out.

Kellman: (nuttering to self) Someone's been messing around with my stuff. I'll show him.

KK: And so he cranks up the floor's static electricity content...

Pounce: (holding out plunger) EXTERMINATE!!!!!

KK: Ehm... While I appreciate your enthusiasm and your getting into Doctor Who, there is such a thing as overkill. Where was I? Oh yes, and he also has gases vented in from the station's sewage system and locks the door. Hopping from counter to counter, the Doctor gets close enough to unlock the door with...

FANFARE

KK: The Sonic Screwdriver. But the sewage gas seems to be mucking up its workings.

Doctor: (banging it against counter) Cheap Taiwanese rubbish! Cough!

KK: As for the others, Harry, Stevenson, and Lester are carting Warner off to the cafeteria's recycling unit, while Sarah stays behind in crew quarters flipping through some old pulps. She does not, of course, notice the metallic frog sneaking up behind her.

Frog: bud...bud...

(Sarah turns arounds. Frog leaps onto her.)

Sarah: Ack!!!!!

KK: At about the same time, the Doctor manages to unlock the door.

Doctor: (hearing scream) I'll save you, Nell! Oops, wrong show. Sorry, won't happen again.

KK: Anyway, the Doctor arrives and pulls the frog off Sarah, killing it by flinging catnip on it (more on that later). But the frog's horrible work has been done.

(The others run in)

Harry: Did we miss something?

Doctor: Sarah's been injected with American beer. To the teleporter!

(Switch to teleporter room, about a minute later.)

Doctor: Right, Harry, you'd better go with her. I'll set the co-ordinates for Nepeta.

Harry: I thought asteroids didn't have atmospheres.

Doctor: No time to worry about such trivialities. Off you go.

(He presses a few buttons. Nothing happens. Opens a panel and looks inside.)

Stevenson: Is something wrong?

Doctor: Some nogoodnik has pinched the wossitium drive.

Stevenson: But who?

(Doctor glares at him)

Stevenson: Oh, right. Stupid question. Come on, Lester, we've got some sissy planetary surveyor butt to kick.

KK:This, of course, has all been observed by Kellman, who proceeds to get out his own SMG. Will the Doctor be able to fix the teleporter before Sarah suffers death by watery alcoholic beverage? What mischief does Kellman have planned? And what exactly does this all have to do with the Cyber-Pekes? Find out next time.